To Georgia

I leave tomorrow for 4 days in the Georgia mountains with my dad, my aunt+uncle+babycousins, and my sister. I hope it goes well. It good potential to be seriously awkward, as do most of my family's gatherings, which is why they are so rare.
I am sure, if I get internet in GA, I will be bored enough to update on every minute detail of my life that has happened since my last post.

P.S.
I kissed a boy and didn't think of my ex at all during it or for a while after wards =).

Thoughts of Last Sunday

These are some letters of reflection I wrote during Break Up Group (ED Recovery group) last week.

The first one is about the lie that I have believed even though I know in my head it's not true, but the way I live reflects me belief in it.

The second one is about boundaries in relationship and keeping my identity, keeping a defining line between what is me and what is the other person.

Better to Not Have Loved

Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and I am here to tell you that it simply isn't true. I would have rather stayed ignorant of the deep ecstasy that being in loves brings if I had known that, after losing it, I would realize that the man whom I loved never really loved me.

Maybe that isn't what Tennyson is talking about though. Maybe he is talking about real love, when both people actually are capable of loving each other and do/did love each other, but have to part. Maybe he is not talking about when one person falls in love and wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who only loves them as an intimate friend (with a physical dimension to the relationship, of course).

Either way, I really must say that I think it is better to be ignorant of what you are really missing, than to have to lose it. I suppose love is worth the risk it comes with (that you might lose it) -but if one knew it would end in heart ache before ever experiencing it (falling love/entering the relationship), one should avoid it.

I am 17 days away from being single for 11 months.

This past Saturday, my good friend and my ex's close friend/roommate (he is the same person) told me he is interested in me romantically. I asked my ex about it. My ex texted his reply, "just take it easy on him; he isn't like me -you're REALLY horny. I always thought you two would be good together even while we were dating."

Wow, he really didn't love me. I mean, I knew it before, but this just adds another nail to the coffin. How can you think, "you know, my best friend and my girlfriend should get together," and really love someone?

I saw him, standing with his back to me and talking to friends, in the gym today. I went into the locker room as quietly as I could, then proceeded to cry during me shower and I don't know exactly why, other than it still hurts me to think about him, even though I know he's an a**hole.

I feel silly though, cus I am hurt by and mad at him, but also mad at/hurt by his new gf.

like, I don't know which I want more, for her to break his heart so that he can feel heart ache for once, or for him to break her heart because he'll realize that she's never gonna be as good as me. I also kinda want her to get her heart broken so she can see what a jacka** he is and what a mistake she could have saved herself if she had come and asked me about him.

Is that bad? Shouldn't I just not care? All the things I kinda want to happen revolve around me and revenge. Argh.



At times, I worry that someone might think that my ex must be a really great guy, since I am having such a hard time getting completely over him and leaving him behind. Don't be fooled. I loved him deeply, but it was not returned and he is not a great guy. I led myself to believe the illusion that my mind created of him.

Letter from a Friend

I got on facebook tonight and saw that I had a message from a girl with whom I talked with and hung out with in high school. She was a friend, but not in my super-close circle of friends, so that made this message mean all the more. While reading, I got tears in my eyes. I am so grateful that the Lord can use me in my brokenness and mistakes and when I am not aware. I have messed up so much in my faith and how I live our the Gospel. He is so good. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have a role in Your Kingdom. I find more reasons to praise You daily.
---------


Hi,
I know it's been a while since you and I have talked, and even then it's been a while since we've been close. I just wanted to tell you something I was thinking about the other day.
I went to a dinner at my cousins church called Holiday For Her. Basically we sat at nicely decorated host tables and ate dinner while speakers talked to us about the church and about the real meaning of the Christmas holiday. One of the speakers was explaining the struggles she went through with believing years ago, but how she remembered some one from her childhood who always believed so strongly they inspired her. I started looking back on people in my life and Amy, you are that person for me.
There are many people who are strong in their beliefs and actions but I feel that you are the most inspirational in my life. I don't want to sound too weird, but you just shine and I wanted to say thank you for being so honest, and so You. I may not have always understood it when I was younger, but I do now.
Sorry, I know this was pretty long-winded but it has been on my mind a few days, and I felt I should tell you, so Thank You.

Eggs=Best Boyfriends

ok, so I was thinking about boyfriends while I was making my breakfast this morning (a turkey, avocado, and cheese omelet) and decided that, if I had to choose a food for my perfect man to be like, I would choose an egg.

Why an egg, you ask?
Well, eggs have a lot of really great things about them...
1.) They have hard and protective outsides, but they are actually soft and pliable on the inside (not to mention yummy
2.) Eggs are good in a variety of different dishes from different cultures, so they adapt well to different situations
3.) They have a fast burning protein and a slow burning protein within them (yoke and the white), making them great for whether you want a fast and upbeat time or you are more in the mood for taking it slow and making it last a while

Christmas List '09

Spinning/Cycling shoes
Kitchen Aid Professional
4 Place Settings (bowl, cup, plate), sharp knife
Car Stereo Deck (auxiliary input, CD player; sony or pioneer)

West Virginia

Thanksgiving went well. I traveled to West Virginia with my friend Abigail to celebrate with her grandparents, aunt and uncle, and younger cousin. Her grandparents own a Bed and Breakfast and it's pretty fun. I went for a run yesterday around there area (5 or 6 miles) and it's beautiful.

I am sitting in the living room next to the a crackling fire. Her Grandpa just opened up the window and it's snowing outside! I can see a hillside with lots of reddish, skeletal trees in the background. I guess I will not be going for a run today. One thing I would like for Christmas is a set of warm gloves and hat to go running in.
Abigail is still asleep and I have spent most of the morning reading my Bible and surfing the internet. We will return to school either tomorrow morning or later tonight.

The holidays are a horrible time to be single. I am so desperate/lonely that I even find Abigail's 15 year old cousin attractive enough that I would not mind a hug or even a slight cuddle. In my defense, he is 6'5 and a very muscular swimmer and is also on the cross country team, so he could pass for 17... That's better than 15, considering I am almost 20, haha. Agh, I will be 20 in less than a month. No more being a teenager =(.

Abigail talked to her boyfriend (they are very serious and are talking about marriage and when/how it fits into their education and career plans). I went to bed 'cus there was nothing for me at it was 11pm. I cried myself to sleep while my mind wandered from Abigail and her boyfriend, to wishing I had someone, to once again, inevitably returning to my ex and wondering went wrong and why.

One thing that has kept me smiling is listening to the audiobook of Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Why Can't I Let It Not Affect Me?

So of all the dates my ex could have chosen, he chose November 15 to start dating someone new. November 15 was the day he started dating me.

I feel overwhelmingly sad... and am mad at myself for feeling that. His new girlfriend is the one who is getting involved with a guy who, really, is incapable of keeping up a deep conversation and of falling in love and loving even when it isn't convenient. She should be the one who is sad, not me.

I think I am more mad that he has someone and I don't and that makes me feel like I am not as good... I know it's not true, but I still feel it. I know I need to separate "his stuff" from "my stuff" and not let his affect me.

Stop Making Googley Eyes in Public

I often feel a surge of anger when I see dating couples who are about my age and have an urge to throw rocks at them.
But other times, I just start crying and I try to blink away my tears as I walk past them.

I don't really know what I am feeling, whether it's hurt or jealousy or what. I want what they have but I don't even have someone that I can legitimately want it with. I never even saw other couples when I was in love, now I see them everywhere.

Does that I feel such strong emotions towards dating couples mean that I am not over my ex?

As I was walking back to the my apartment, I was thinking about how I was about to go make dinner alone, then eat at the table alone, and I would probably eat alone if I went to the caf anyway because I don't really have a group to eat with whom I am comfortable around, nor do I know where anyone sits in the caf anymore. I end up eating alone most of the time I go to the caf now because I don't see anyone I know.
The only person I saw at lunch today was Leah, but she sitting with my ex and his new "interest" (he wants to date her and she wants to date him, but they don't want to make it official right now).

Andy told me yesterday that it's been too long and that I should just get over him. He thinks I need to talk to his girlfriend and make new friends to help me. I don't have any old friends here (not close ones) to compare with new ones, I told him.
I have Abigail, who I met this August really. She's the only girl I feel really comfortable and confident hanging out with, but I still find myself holding my breath until she says "yes, I can come." There's Leiza and Heather and Christie, but they are busy with school and almost always say no when it comes to hanging out.
Keturah is an RA and taking 18 hours and works, so whenever I ask her to do something, she is too busy; I never ask Hannah because I don't know if I could keep up a conversation with her. I can ask Irene sometimes, but I am not sure if I really click with her and I don't want to force something.

So that leaves me with Abigail, who is a senior and I just met.

Luke Warm vs Radical

So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. -Revelation 3:16

I have been feeling pretty confused lately about my spiritual fervor. I feel that I am living a luke warm life, not a radically sold out life for Christ. If I truly believed God's promises and trusted him wholeheartedly, it seems like I would not worry or freak out, I would not become upset at foolish things like low grades or financial woes. Also, if I truly found my entire identity in Christ, instead of looking for it in my physical image and in men and in how others perceive me, maybe I would not feel so desperate for a husband or be struggling with this eating/exercise disorder. I feel like my lack of true, unfettered belief in Christ is holding me back.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that God exists and made the world and everything in it, that He is sovereign, that the Bible is the Truth, and that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and Man and came to redeem me by sacrificing himself on the cross in order to pay my debt that I owe because of my sin. However, I feel like if I truly believed with every fiber of my being, I would be more different.

Lately, the idea that Christians are defined by what they do not do, more than by what they do, has been at the forefront of my mind. I do not want people to describe me as "The girl who doesn't party, doesn't drink, and doesn't have sex." I want to be known as a girl who is selfless, compassionate, ready to love anyone at anytime. I want to be known for being Jesus; not being swayed by power and money, but living my life to spread the Good News and to love His children. I don't know what being known by what I do, rather than what I do not do really looks like. I mean, I can volunteer every night of the week if I want to, but I don't know if that is really what "being known by what I do" is all about.

If I do it by force, because I know should, rather than out of a sincere desire to love others, it won't mean anything. Lord, I want more of Your love to pour into me and out of me so that I might love others as You love them, that You would show Your love for them through me. I do not want my sins to become a distraction to others and reason to discredit You. What I don't do is important (I mean, I don't feel like making out with a guy is exactly a good way to represent Jesus), but what I do is even more important.

Jesus, overcome my unbelief and teach me how to live as You lived on this Earth, through whatever situations and circumstances to which You call me. I am trying to lay down my crown at Your feet; give my desire for marriage and a family, for a respectable and successful career to You, to do with as You will. I want to be content if Your will does not include my aforementioned dreams. I want Your will to become my will. Whether Your will includes such dreams or not, I want to be content in doing Your will, not mine.

Father, if I give up physically intimacy and fun, flirty/dirty texts and conversations with guys, I am scared I will feel more lonely than I ever have before. I know in my head that You will fill me and I will be more content after having given up such lustful activities, but it is still scary to let go of them. I wish my heart knew what my head knows.

Brief Time On Earth

If I knew I only had a few days to live, I would not do any of my homework and I would just have fun with my friends 24/7. I hate it when people tell me to "live as if today is your last day" because then I would be completely unprepared for my future. I mean, I can't just go and be irresponsible every day and always choose family and friends over work. I know, there is a balance, but I just think sometimes that saying is a little silly.

Crush Crush Crush

I think I have a crush. And not a creepy stalker crush like the ones on Joel or Nick, haha. He's not a Christian though, so it's super irritating. I know I shouldn't like him; I mean, I can't be in an intimate relationship with someone if my life's foundation is something completely different from theirs. How I spend my money (tithing and charity) and my time (volunteering, studying the Bible, going to church, praying) are just two differences that count for a lot.

I chose where to go to college based on where I felt the Holy Spirit was leading me and that is also how I chose my summer job in 2009. The other day, I anonymously CPO-ed a girl a large sum of money because I felt that Jesus was calling me to do so. I just can't see someone, who doesn't share my faith, being cool with that kind of stuff if I marry them. I also think it is very important to have a spiritual leader in my husband/boyfriend, for both of us to continually point the other to Christ. If I have children, it is vital for them to see their father and mother in a Godly relationship and find spiritual role models in BOTH parents.

So for now, I will be praying for this guy to open his heart to the Truth, to seek out the Truth. He is becoming aware that there is something missing in his life, I hope he discovers that it is his Maker that is missing.

Consumption or Love

As consumers in a commercial driven culture we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. “Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair.” But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It’s a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? “I can’t live without you” – “I would die if you ever left me” – These are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption.
-Jon Foreman, lead singer of Switchfoot

The truth will set you free but it’s only slightly less scary than hell and a whole lot harder to get there. -Jon Foreman

"Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.”
Soren Kierkegaard

“The capitalist culture of consumption… does not provide meaningful sustenance for large numbers of people.”
Cornel West

these are the scars deep in your heart /this is the place you were born /this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you’ve been torn /and it is always yours /I am always yours
-Always, On Switchfoot's New Album

I've been thinking lately about capitalism and how it changes culture. It is founded on the premise of selfishness, that someone would want to work hard because he could get more of the pie. Why work if there is no gain? Yes, people volunteer and some work in non-profits, but the general mindset of capitalism is selfish. Many even have trouble separating capitalism and market economies from democracy and cannot imagine a democratic America without capitalism.

Faith in Jesus is essentially, "God First, Others Second, and I'm Third." Jesus' way of thinking is pretty near contrary to the selfish premise that capitalism is based on. And most people would agree, theoretically, that consumerism is empty and devoid of meaning. If we know, in our heads, that it is empty, why do we try so hard to find our meaning in consumerism? Most do not do it purposely, consciously, but I think almost everyone in Americas has gone out shopping when they wanted to feel better or has gone to the local ice cream shop after a bad day.

It seems like, in such a consumption-driven culture, people would be begging for meaning. Well, I think they are. Why are they not finding it in Jesus? I think American Christians, myself included, need to rethink where we are searching for and finding our identities and meaning. We need to consider our unbelief; if we really believed Jesus' promises, would we get stressed and worry? If we actually had faith in His goodness and believed His promises, we would be radicals and never fret over the economy. I want to REALLY believe. Right now, I know that I am wallowing in unbelief just from the amount of times a day I freak out.

In such an empty way of living (capitalism's consumerism), Christians should be rejoicing that so many are searching.

Major melt down today in the hotel in Nashville. I was so stressed. Annoyed at the girls I had come with and distracted by homework, I couldn't get myself to relax and have fun. I was on the verge of crying all morning and finally broke down around 3pm. I cried to my mom about stress, how I was annoyed, how I just wanted to go home and do homework.

Then, Ben and Bekah called and said they were coming into nashville and wanted to go out and take me with them. Everything changed. I felt so much better. The tension left me and I didn't feel like I needed to do school work. I am gonna go out to dinner with them and Ben's brother now, yay. I feel much better, though my make up is crazy due to all the water works.

Email to the Student Body VP

Hey Micah,
I am beginning to get super-stressed about the FSC. I had 2 members, but not even one of them has shown up for the past 2 meetings because their classes ran over or they slept through it or they forgot. One of those members just quit. I am more stressed because I had hoped to meet up with my sister in Nashville the week before Thanksgiving break (the 21st) and drive home to Florida with them, skipping Mon and Tues classes, but I need to be here on the 22nd to set up for the turkey carving on the 22nd because I don't have anyone I can count on to take over for setting up tables for carvers, decorating tables and organizing carvers, and tear down.
So I just kinda thought I would throw all that out there... I think that was more for my stress-relief than your update...
-Amy

Stress:
Mom and Mary looking into moving to Nashville
Summer job/internship applications
Not exercising on Saturday this week
Trying to get 10 hours of community service
Amachi mentoring program being on one day and off the next
Being the CEO of my Non-Profit Group in Soc Class
Weekly 5 page Charalambakis papers
CRAZY AMOUNTS OF READING THAT I NEVER FINISH!
Nannying 15 hours a week and still feeling pressed for money

Broken Up. Or so we thought.

I am afraid that I won't heal and mature and move past my issues and will end up being as emotionally crippled and unable to have a good marriage as my parents.

My mom called me on Friday night to tell me she broke up with Ernie. I was so happy. I mean, she shouldn't be with someone who is as old as my grandpa and has kids that are her age. Also, he told her that they either be physically involved, or he didn't want to be involved at all with her (that was back in last school year). So she finally broke it off Friday.... then I get a call Sunday night and she mentions that Ernie called her and asked her on a date for Thursday night. Ugh.

She said that he apologized and is content now with casual dating where he picks her up at the door, they go out to dinner, and he drops her off at the door, and nothing more than that. Apparently they are in a relationship, but it isn't serious. I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say.

I called her today and told her that I felt that Ernie was not a righteuous man or a man after God's heart and she agreed. I told her that she should only date men who are righteous and are Godly and she disagreed. She feels that, since things aren't serious with Ernie, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is. Argh, she shouldn't date someone if she is not serious, especially at age 56 with 2 kids.

Oh, and, not serious? Ernie picked Mary up from school today and gave her some food for my mom and her to eat for dinner tonight.

Just Say No

I left my spinning class halfway through tonight and went to get a shake instead. I had already run 4 miles and lifted weights and at about 20 minutes into the spinning class, I thought to myself, "I shouldn't be here after doing all that exercise earlier, but if I go the whole hour, I will let myself eat that milkshake that I want." That was a scary though. What if it gets to be, "if you go one more hour, you can eat dinner"?. I don't want to get like that. So I stopped at the half hour mark of the class and went an got that shake anyway.

After I left the gym, I went grocery shopping. I wanted to buy cereal and went over to look at all the Kashi stuff. Then I realized I don't even like Kashi cereal. I just tell myself I like it because it feels healthy. I didn't buy it =). It was hard not to buy it. I now have Cinnamon Chex on top of the fridge instead.


Sometimes I feel like I am the only person who wants to choose the healthy/fitness thing, but knows it is better in the long run not to. I mean, I had to force myself to leave my class at the gym and go get a milkshake...

Journaling

I journaled this at Break Up Group today. I feel like I should mention that my grandparents' backyard was a steep, hillside in a forest. There were 99 steps down to the very center of the tiny valley. You would never have found the steps if you had not known they were there; they were covered in moss and too steep for my grandmother to make it down. At the bottom of the steps, you were totally cut off from the world. Looking up, you would not even know there was human life for miles around, except for the small bench just to the left of the stairs. The bench was built as a place to sit and enjoy the area where the small stream pooled up. The stream was the center point of the valley. The water just barely trickled through the stream and was probably only 2 or 3 inches deep and 3 or 4 feet wide, if that. Fallen trees lined the sides, as well as seasons of dead of foliage. I loved to sit and watch the water, while other times I would walk down the stream to until the branches became to thick for me to go any further. It was safe and quiet. I don't remember going down with other people often.

I wish I could go out to the trails at school by the barn and play in the stream naked. I could go at night when no one was around, but I wouldn't feel safe, I would want a man to come with me. I wish I was married so I could have a man come with me and feel secure and right about being naked around him.

Small Talk

do you ever wish that people would stop asking "how are you?" so that you could stop lying?

More Than Scars

Is it ironic that the top scar on my right hand came from swim practice (I scraped my hand against the wall during backstroke), and the lower scar is from when I baked cookies and burnt myself?

Exercise and food have left their marks, inside and out.

Unequally Yoked

Why is it that the two guys that I connect with, like pretty much soul-mate level, are not Christians? I mean, Adam and Steve, I can go without talking to them for a year or more and when I see them, it's like we've never been a part. They understand what I am saying and can complete my sentences. The conversation is never awkward, the silences are comfortable.

Lex w/ Steve

Steve came up this weekend for the UF/UK game. I picked him up at his hotel at 11:30pm and we went to the non-alcoholic bar (smoothies, coffee, fancy sodas, fancy waters, energy drinks, juice) in Lex. Then we went to Triangle Park and chilled, talked some more, and Steve took pictures.

These are some of the pics.

Lay Down My Crown

wanting to get married

laying down desire for marriage to God to with as He wills

You are making me more beautiful in this time

Addictions Destroy

I have had a lot to think about the past few days during Fall Revival and wanted to share it with someone, so here it goes:

I talked to my ex and had an actual conversation with him for the firs time in a long time. Well, it was on facebook and text, but it still was an actual conversation instead of a fight or something awkward. We asked how the other was doing and a little a bit about our summers. Then I asked him how often he looked at porn when we were dating -he said "occasionally." We got into a conversation about porn and he came out and said, "it's so hard for me not to.. Im addicted to masturbation," but when I asked him if he wanted out, he said he knew he probably should, but he didn't want to and that he would get out when he meets someone new that he wants to be in a serious relationship with.

How foolish. It's addiction, you can't quite just whenever you want, when you find someone. It's a freaking addiction. It's controlling him. Besides, how can he meet someone to be in a healthy, serious relationship with if he is not making an effort to be healthy himself? Addictions are selfish and leave no room to care for anyone else. They are consuming. No one can serve two masters. Right?

It hurts to know that I fell for someone who, just like my dad, has a sexual addiction. But at least it explains why he was so emotionally unavailable, so isolated and depressed. It explains why he could not care for me and treat me well. He is incapable of doing so until he can work through his addiction, recognize how destructive it is, how controlling it is. Just as I should not be in a relationship or look for one until I am in a stable place of recovery with my exercise addiction (which I don't like to admit). I need to work through and heal the wounds that have gotten me to the place I am at, so does he.


P.S.
I should mention that I stayed out late (11:30pm is late for me, haha) with Alex's roommate/one of my best friends and talked for 2 hours Wednesday night (nothing romantic there, just friendship).

It came up in conversation that the "M" word had been discussed in the girls-only talk for Fall Revival and that almost every girl in the room had done it and feels confused about it or has struggled with it and/or porn. Honestly, it was so good to see other girls admitting they had done it. The woman who was the speaker for the girls-only talk said later that she had never seen such a collective sigh of relief on an entire audience's face when someone mentioned female masturbation.

Anyway, I knew that he (my friend/Alex's roommate) had struggled with porn and so we talked about it for a bit. He told met that last year he had used Alex's external hard drive and found folders and folders of porn. I knew Alex had struggled in HS with it, but Alex told me various times that he was fine and not struggling and that it was hard to get porn on campus anyway because of internet blocks. He lied.

Cash From Jesus

So I have been feeling for the past 6 months or so that I should give this girl on campus (young, newlywed, music major) $50 anonymously. I didn't do it last semester. I finally gave in today, haha. I just read her facebook status and it said
"I got an envelope with cash in it today, that said to Abby, from Jesus. that's all it said. It's definitely cool with me that Jesus misspelled my name. And I thank Him so much for His goodness, it means so much to me...i really feel cared for and cared about"

Ooops, her name is Abbie, haha.

Never Let Me Go

I've tried so hard my dear to show
That you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
Is just some evil scheme
-Norah Jones

Is this how God feels?

These lyrics make me think of marriage. The other night a speaker at GC said that we need to trust God to fulfill our needs, trust him that He will love us, trust Him that He will not leave us. If we do not trust, we will leave Him and look for another. The same is for our marriages -if we do not believe our husband will provide, love, and stay with us, we will end up wandering and find another whom we think is more trustworthy and so commit adultery. I involuntarily sneered at the idea of trusting a man to never leave me. I hope that my future husband does not have to have the same sentiments as these lyrics.

Stress, Cry, Stress

I have been on the verge of tears all day, and my eyes have welled up at the slightest mention of marriage, adultery, dads, or homosexuality for the past week.

Normal?

Do normal people feel acutely lonely at some point almost every day? Do normal people feel stressed and worried to the point of crying if they actually do ever talk about it? Do normal people talk about it? Do they feel comfortable calling someone to talk to about it? Do they feel like they are just complaining and that the other person doesn't have time for it? Do they feel like they have more than one good friend who they can trust that they will not annoy and trust with their secrets and worries and foolish feelings?

Letter to Self

Ever Make It Right

Soon we'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is, I'm heartbroken. I feel as if part of me has died, and my mother has died all over again, and no one can ever make it right.
Kathleen in You've Got Mail

Lame Jerk

I was hoping he would be the guy I could call and talk to when I got upset, that I could confide in about dad and our family, about exercise, I was hoping i finally found someone who would care about all of it, not just some of it, and be able to be there and to actually comfort me and not feel awkward. Someone who I could be emotional with and have them be emotional back. I guess not.

Joel came over tonight for a date, I made him pot roast and homemade chocolate cake. He was over for 3 and a half hours. The last 5 minutes he decided to tell me, "I'm not going to string you along, this would be better if we just be friends."

Tease

Agh,
Joel (a guy I went on a date with last week) sent me a message on facebook. At the end of the message he said, "I have something to tell you, but I'm not going to type it on here. That's stupid. I'll tell you in person on Friday."

we had been talking about finding balance, since I had kinda freaked out that he hadn't contacted me in 3 days...

My immediate thought to his "I have something to tell you" was, "dangit, he's GAY"

-------------

I don't usually feel like this with guys, flustered, I mean. Most guys I feel like i have at least something that is better than them -looks, knowledge, cultured, wit, something.

Joel seems more like an equal on all levels and it makes me nervous and flustered.

Joel is attractive, smart, cultured, clever, musical. He is crazy similar to me. My friend Andy thinks it's weird. Andy feels like we are dating ourselves, if that makes sense. It makes me uncomfortable that he can legitimately challenge me on all levels, pretty much. Usually I have something I can store confidence in and not get nervous, feel like I have some sort of power.

Vineyard Lex

Ok, so I love my church. This an email to my pastor that I wrote this morning.

Hello Kevin,
I wanted to let you know that I have appreciated your sermons the past two weeks and was saddened when I heard you say that you walked out the past two weeks feeling like a dog. The past two weeks have confirmed what I heard this summer while working at a camp for inner city kids (Kids Across America). While working at the camp, I found that my addiction to exercise (aka exercise bulimia) was keeping me from serving Christ. I couldn't love this kids that God had placed at the camp when I was constantly worrying about whether I was eating too much or exercising too little and feeling gross. I was getting up at 5am every morning (2 hours before wake up time) in order to work out and my body was not able to keep up with the camp schedule on such a small amount of sleep. I was convicted that I was putting my exercise and fears before God; I would rather skip time with God than skip my work out without blinking. I mean, I almost missed my grandmother's funeral because I "had" to work out. I knew that I was being a "grapefruit" Christian -with exercise taking up half of my grapefruit-, but I was too scared to let go of exercise.

Your recent sermons have given me the courage to put into action what my eyes were opened to this summer. I have recently quit swim team (I cried for 2 days, but I know being on the team only retards my recovery). I also only worked out 5 times this week, something I haven't done in a little over 2 years. I am trying to tell my fears "no" and to remember that serving the kingdom is much more important than my irrational fears of gaining weight. Thank you speaking the truth and encouraging me to walk away from the sin/slavery that Jesus has already set me free from. I know that this will not be an easy thing to leave behind, but I am already experiencing freedom from it in ways that I didn't think were possible a few months ago.
Thanks,
Amy

Chapel Seat

Oh, and I put in a request to change my chapel seat so that I will, hopefully, not be anywhere near Alex.

Too Busy to Listen

Everyone is too busy. Maybe that's just an excuse I tell myself. I'm sure people would listen if I asked them. Do I really want them to?

I really want to sit on a couch and talk to someone. I suppose I would be complaining, I am not sure. Then again, I can hear Dawn saying that complaining and talking about grief are two different things. However, it feels to me like if I say something once it is grieving, but if I say it again it is complaining. I feel so much hurt right now, but I don't know if I feel comfortable with anyone or trust anyone enough to care about what I feel to say it in front of them.

My mom had trouble letting go of my father even after she found out he had cheated on her and continued to do so and that he didn't truly love her in a sacrificial way. I am obviously having trouble letting go of Alex, even though I don't want him back necessarily and I am completely aware he is a selfish donkey.

I miss having someone that I felt I had a right to complain/ponder/grieve to and spend time with. Why do I not feel like I have a right to those things with other people? Why do I feel like those things are "rights" that come with relationships? Are friends and boyfriends necessarily required to do those things when I ask/need them and they don't have any prior obligations? I suppose they aren't required because they should probably want to do them, whether it is required or not. I guess the answer would be that I probably still undervalue myself, ugh.

I felt like I had a right, a prerogative, to make Alex listen to me because he was committed to me, no one else had ever promised/committed to me anything. Even though I felt I had that right, he felt like I was demanding too much when I asked that of him. So the one time I felt comfortable, the other person just slapped me in the face and pretty much told me (in effect) that no one wants to/should listen and be with me when I want/need them.

A Donkey

Well, it finally drove me to my wits end. Alex not talking to me and not making in effort to contact me for 3 months finally got to me. So I took Jacob's advice and text him the simple message, "hey. Want to go for a walk or something and catch up with each other?". He replied with, "Is it gonna lead to you wanting to date again?" -I was so mad that he would so insolent as to say that! I was in the Aldersgate laundry room at the time and began to yell and scream curse words about him. He also decided to text me about how he came up with the idea that I was looking for a dad -not a boyfriend- in him, but I gave him that idea over the phone this summer the last time we talked! He did not come up with it! I told him that I didn't talk to him for 3 months and he said "that is only because you are still trying to get over me..." Then he accused me of lying to him this summer because in early June I told him that I thought I was over him -I didn't mean to lie, I really thought I was 98% over him and that, in a few days, it would be 100%. I asked him to stop texting me all these things and to talk to me face to face, but he said "while texting I can multitask. I never give anything my full attention..."

Whiel texting him all of this, I left the laundry room and went for a crazy "drive" down the KY roads screaming profanities and how much I hated certain people, then I finally calmed down when I had to put more gas in my car and went to see Jacob at the Student Center. When I got back to my room, I talked to Alex a little on facebook. He decided that he had a right to tell me that I should do him a favor and double or triple my standards that I had for him and "never veer away" from those standards. I can't believe he had enough guts to say that, as if I don't know what an a** he was/is to me, as if I want to date him or someone like him again. Besides, 2x or 3x better than him is not good enough at all, the standard needs to be at least 10x better.

I cried myself to sleep.

Date Night/Thoughts

My first date of the year was last night. It will probably be my only date of the year, haha. It was pretty fun though. His name is Josh, he's a PK, Asian, in the marine reserves, and a science major in his senior year. We went to see Up at the discount theater (at my request) and then a book store to hang out in.

I cried a little in Up when the little boy's dad didn't show up to the badge pinning ceremony, but then all the sudden the older guy was there to take the father's place. I want that. Not that my dad just isn't there at all, but that was the thought that went through my head at that scene, "I want that." A grandpa who will buy both his grand daughters stuffed animals instead of being so cheap that he only buys them one to share. A dad who gets his daughter good quality and what she would like, not what he thinks is a bargain and he wants.

During the movie, Josh kept looking over when I laughed and kept fidgeting, so I thought that was a good sign. When we went to the bookstore though, he got kind of awkward and I felt like his body language was trying to inch him towards the exit door. However, when we got in the car to go back to campus, he asked me if there was anywhere else I wanted to go. I didn't reach over and give him a hug goodnight when he dropped me off at my dorm, I probably should have (there were no spaces available for him to park and walk me).

------------------------

Lately, I have been feeling kinda of frustrated at Ed. I just can't believe sometimes that I have fallen prey to such a cliche thing. I mean, Eds are for weak people, those who don't understand nutrition and what they are doing, people who have no confidence or self-esteem, dumb people who can't see what they are doing is obviously damaging and does no good. That's how I feel a lot. Ashamed that it would happen to me.

I have been keeping track on paper and following Alice's diet for me. It's really not fun to follow sometimes, but I know that I feel better when I do.

Apartment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S09If5sBV5w

Follow the link for a tour of my on-campus apartment at Asbury!

Being back has been kinda nice. I have only gone to the cafeteria once in an entire week. I have been going to the Luce to swim, considering joining a local gym, and reading a lot. All of my classes are HUGE reading classes. 4 out of the 6 of my classes require 4 books/novels in addition to outside articles. My other two classes require 2 or 3 books. I will be spending lots of time alone in quiet places, I suppose.

Since being on campus, it has been so hard to not think about Alex and to not contact him. He sits one seat away from me in chapel. My friend Josh sits between us, thank goodness. He has done nothing more than to wave and say "hi" once. I don't want to talk to him, but at the same time I do. I can tell I am not over him, though he is clearly over me. I wish he wasn't, but I know it's better for me that he is. I hate this. It's been 8 months, why can't I just move on? I haven't gone a single day in almost 2 years without thinking about him.

Contact Mishap

so my contact was really bothering me all day yesterday, it was blurry

I couldn't figure out why

when I took it out in the evening (the third time I had taken it out wondering what was wrong because it was brand new), I looked closely and there were TWO contacts! I had had TWO contacts in my eye, on top of each other, all day.

Unwanted Reply

This is kind of the reply that I was afraid of and why I didn't really want to ask in the first place:

Amy,
I think you need to really pray about this!
We need everyone to either be on the team or not, and really can't gear it down too much.
I too have been worried that this is not what you need, considering your eating disorder. And I am not at peace with this. I worry it will be too intense for you, and you are a perfectionist and starting swimming competitively in college is never success oriented. Most of these people have been on teams since they were 7 years old.

What other healthy options do you have for fall that you could be involved in? Intramurals? Lifeguarding? (and keeping up with the mandatory swims per week)

Let me know what you are thinking. Of course we want you on our support team (timing at meets, etc.)
Blessings,
Dorothy

Down from 6 to 5

Letter to Dorothy, the swim coach:

Hello,
I have been talking to my nutritionist lately and she has suggested that I take my exercise down to 5 days a week instead of 6. How would that fit in with swim team? I am not sure I can handle only 5 days as it is, and it is only a suggestion from her.
-Amy

P.S.
I have been debating whether to even bring the subject up with you for weeks now because it makes me really nervous. I really want to be a part of swim team, but I am scared to compete and to commit to something so intense and I want it to be something good for me, not something that promotes an unhealthy relationship with exercise.

------------

I almost cried while writing the above email. I got that nervous and that upset. I don't know what she will say. I don't know if she will suggest that I just not swim with the team. I want to be a part of the team, but I feel like my issues are getting in the way and will keep me from being part of it.

Pink

This is the pink chair that will be in my room this year at school. I found it for $50 on Craigslist and had it slipcovered in this awesome pink seude.

Mother's Lament

I never know how to put into words how I feel about the divorce. I don't know if I know how I feel about it enough to describe it even in mediums that are not words. I don't know whether to be happy, hopeful, angry, hurt, sad, or anything. I mean, no one was completely in the right, no one was completely in the wrong. My dad cheated much more than any normal person would tolerate and was very much emotionally unavailable and pretty much had no interest in my mom physically and no desire to make her feel loved, beautiful, or cherished. My mom would rarely be direct in telling my dad what she wanted and what she didn't want because she wants to please others and help them better themselves so much. She probably stayed so long because she thought she could help my dad become straight or make him love her.

I don't know if my mom is any happier now that she is single. She doesn't have to feel constantly rejected and incompetent at being an attractive, interesting wife. But she still seems a bit depressed and is very stressed about work and money and whether she should be dating Ernie or not. It seems her unhappiness has just shifted focus sometimes. She talks often about how she is sad about the divorce. She feels bad about dad being alone. She feels like my struggle with addiction and Mary's panic attacks are the effects of the divorce and she filed for the divorce, so she feels that my issues and Mary's issues her fault.

Tonight she even said that she does not want Mary and I to have the "legacy of divorce" -it's a little late for that, it's pretty much unavoidable to not have your own marriage in a low more danger if your parents were divorced. She often laments that she would not have divorced my father if she had known it would be this hard on Mary and me, that she didn't expect it to be this devastating on the family. The family was literally torn apart, of course it is going to be devastating. It took a lot to not cry in front of my mom. I didn't want her to know how much it hurt me when I actually let myself think about it. I didn't want her to feel even worse because my crying would confirm that everything she said is pretty true or partially true.

Even though my dad and I don't have much of an emotional bond, he doesn't bring up stuff like that, stuff that makes me cry. He avoids things like that. He talks about books and work and exercise instead. I don't know. I guess it's better to have my mom who really has a connection with me.

The Soon School Year

I am sitting in my room listening to my Relax playlist (largely an assortment of Ray LaMontagne, Norah Jones, and Iron and Wine) and enjoying my new Altec Lansing Moondance alarm clock. It has great sound for being so small. I really want to get new speakers for my car, but I don't think I should spend the money. Instead, I think I will take the $250 and put it in a savings account.

I have been teaching swim lessons since being home. It's a nice, easy way to make money. However, I have been spending all of that money on things like alarm clocks, chairs for my dorm room, and books. Mary bought me a slouchy beret tonight and I am looking forward to wearing it. I had a purpose in starting this post and now I cannot remember what that purpose was.

I go back to school in a week and my mom doesn't want me to make the trip alone. She is getting close to taking off of work to drive up with me and then fly back down. She's crazy. I have made the trip before by myself. I am nervous about going back to school though. Seeing Alex again, living in an apartment where I can be isolated, practicing with swim team 6 days a week for 2 hours and weight lifting, being single, not having something to do, feeling trapped by obligations like support group and class prayer and Bible studies and papers and reading assignments. Mostly facing school as a single girl who knows she will never get back with her ex and having to see him around campus and possibly fall in love with someone else. Everytime I think I am over him, I am pulled back down -not as far down, but still down.

When I feel physically lonely now, I don't long for him specifically. It's more of a general wanting of physical affection now, not as acute. It still doesn't make it alright that I gave in and called my frat-boy friend earlier this week and made out with him at 3am. I felt so ashamed the next day. I fall in sin. I know Jesus loves me and forgets the times I fall, forgives me of them and loves me because he took the punishment for all the stupid things I have done and will do. I do not deserve his love and mercy.

Lies

Deceit according to Errol Morris- "the intent to have someone think something that is different from what you believe."

I think I will use that as my definition of lying.

RoomMate Again

I got screwed on my housing arrangements. My roomie and suitemates left me to move to an apartment. Now I get a transfer student in a traditional dorm room. I am angry.

And now a brief word from Edward in Pretty Woman (Richard Gere):
I was very angry with him. It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: "I was very angry him." I do it very well, don't I? I'll say it again: I was very angry with him. "Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very angry with my father."

Bigger Than My Body

My friend Ben IMed me this tonight:

"Some people have souls, or personalities, or whatever, that are larger than their bodies.

They just naturally seem vivacious, and unstoppable.

And you're definitely one of those people.

What I just realized is that you are probably the MOST like that of all the people I know."

Back to School

I am dreading going back, but at the same time I want to go back.

I am afraid of seeing Alex because I know he doesn't care about me and wants nothing to do with me.

I wanna go back to school and immerse myself in swimming and school work and eating.

Not have to think about people and hurt.

Perfect Cookie Quest

Ideas to add to cookie recipe when experimenting:

Cream of Tartar
Peanut butter
Nutella
Cinnamon
Apple Spice
Almond or Banana extract
Cream Cheese

kamp debriefing

Ok, so God definitely stretched me at Kamp.

I have never gotten to the point before where I made it through a day and was like, "How on earth did that happen? I should have died, but instead I somehow found enough energy to jump and sing instead of laying down and just passing out on the floor at Krunk Kastle and I also somehow feel something akin to compassion for these girls, even though I want to bop their heads off." I was at my end and all I can say is that Jesus carried me -my broken, tired, and worn out body and mind, he carried me.

The first few days of that last session were the worst days for me of the entire time at kamp. I just wanted to give in and go home. I wanted to just exercise all day and not think about anyone else. I wanted to eat only the foods I feel safe with and I just wanted to stop feeling gross. I was having trouble remembering that my girls (kampers) were not my enemies, and in fact were they ones that I should be treating in the exact opposite way I was treating them. I was acting like everything they did or might possibly so was with the intention of getting me in trouble with leadership. I was lecturing them and being pretty military-like about everything. It was a struggle (one that I was losing during those days) to stay emotionally alive and connected; I was shutting down and wouldn't let anyone reach me and certainly refused to reach out to any kampers.

Extremism- At camp some people would say they didn't listen to any secular music or that they aren't kissing till marriage or that they don't wear anything that is above their knees or possibly shows cleavage. When people made such statements I found myself thinking, "that is just so extreme," but then came the thought, "Isn't that what Christ calls us to be? Extreme for Him?" Revelations says that He will spit lukewarm followers out, so I should be striving to be on fire, to be extreme. I don't want to use "I need to be relevant to the lost and so I need to know what's going on in the world" as an excuse to sin.

4 days of no work out- I did have a breakthrough the last 4 days of camp. I went 4 days without working out and did not roll up into the fetal position or completely freak out. I didn't think that was possible. I am so shocked at God's power. I could have worked out, but I didn't. I decided spending time with people was more important.

Kami was the locker coordinator at kamp and I had a tremendous amount of respect for her from the day I met her. She was often strict and tended to come across harsh, but I could tell it was only because she cares and she knows how serious safety is and how fragile a community and its trust can be. A lot of the most memorable positive words I recieved came from Kami. She told me that, when she first met me, she didn't think I would make it alive to the end of camp. She that the kampers would destroy me, but she said I proved her very wrong and that she is not often wrong. She also told me that she feels like I was one of the few people who is the same person at camp and at home (or wherever I go). I was also told that I have a quiet love and that that is not necessarily a bad thing, I am just not a loud love and that the world needs both. I always had mislabeled as "boring" what I can now call my quiet love and contentedness. I am not boring, I am just not naturally loud and demanding of attention.

Claire was on leadership and was a great example of servant leadership to me. The first night I got to camp, I started crying and hyperventilating because I couldn't find anyone to swim with me at 6am (we weren't allowed to swim alone). She volunteered to wake up at 5:45am and watch me swim, she didn't even know me. Also, throughout the term, I would see Claire back in the kitchens helping the komos refill food platters and sweeping the floor. She was always willing to go the extra mile for anyone, whether the world saw them as deserving or not.

Oh, and at camp, I met a girl from Maitland! Of all things, I met a girl at a camp in Missouri who lives in my neighborhood and both our dads work at Campus' head quarters. Crazy. The lovely lady's name is Karis.

Lacey was one of my co counselors while I was in G4 (girls locker 4, "duece duece"). Watching her interact with the campers, I was in awe of the wisdom and discernment that God had entrusted her with. She spoke calmly even when she was steaming and about to blow. She listened to them and let them know they were the most important person in the world to her when they spoke. She let God use her, despite whatever emotions she may have felt, and let him lead her in our cabin devos. The way she would ask questions (what the question was, when she would ask it, and her tone) was full of knowledge and compassion that came from Jesus.

Oh, and one of my 24's I had to take along because everyone had signed their names onto days that didn't have that many spots and so when I signed up, all days were crazy full and I had no choice but to take CrossTalk day alone (no one from guys side, the office, or the kitchen was off that night either). So I was bummed, but it was ok because one of the nurses had a houseboat I could stay at for $10 a night. While on my 24, I went out to dinner a lone at a very nice seafood restaraunt called The Pier in Kimberling City, MO.
I was a little underdressed in my shorts, flip flops, and t-shirt, since the place had white table cloths and two forks at the setting and such. Anyway, while waiting to be seated, this family of 3 came in and we made small talk. When I was seated at my table alone, the aforementioned family came by and invited me to sit with them for dinner. I gladly accepted, hoping I did not just agree to the most awkward dinner of my life.
Well, it turns out that they are awesome Christians; Travis is on the board of his church and Elizabeth is a lay counselor at her church. We talked about Christian camps (KAA and Risen Ranch), about how to make salvation exciting for students, and about what's going on the world politically. They also suggested a Bible study called Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson, which I just emailed my church about doing this upcoming school year. It was such a God thing that we all met and they were such an encouragement to me. They invited me to stay at their house if I work at KAA next summer.

Kamp.

I Have 11 more days at Kamp. Today is my first 24 hours off since June 19. I have had 2 seven hour spans of time off previous to today. Kamp is really strict. No coffee, no food outside of the training tables, only really long shorts. If you leave a light or fan on, your lose your free period (you only get 3 a week at the most). If you leave a Safety Sam Sign up, you will get 2 hours off your 24 or $25 out of your check. I can only work out for 40 minutes at the pool before the kids wake up and before the guy starts cleaning it. I have to get up at 5:30am and get out of the pool before 6:30am, so that I can wake the kids at 6:45am for morning showers. When I finally get a free period, I am so tired from going to bed at midnight that I cannot find the energy to lift weights. I feel emotionally shut down and really need Christ to give me His love and compassion for these girls. Last session, I had a girl lie and tell me she was pregnant and had been gang raped. There was a girl who had been in rehab for drugs at only 13 years old. I will tell you more later, on my next 24 or when I get home.

A Laugh

Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his “soulmate.” And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it’s a fiscal conservative, am I right?

But Governor Mark Sanford didn’t really enjoy this year’s Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina.

^From the New York Times' Laugh Lines Blog

Prayer Concerns

Here is a message from Facebook that I sent Mrs. T:

Hello,
I hope your cruise is awesome and that you have a great time with your friends. When we went to lunch a couple weeks ago, you asked if I would like you to pray for me, and so here are a few things I would love for you to focus on specifically (and anything else that you know I will need!):

I am nervous about camp's schedule and not running my day how I want and also about not being able to cook what food I want, so I am truly going to need to let go, stop trying myself, and rely on God's strength and wisdom that the world will not end if I do not feel in control.

Also, men. I am far from over Alex. I think about him every day and still have to turn the radio off if a song comes on that reminds me of him (and there are many songs that do). It feels like I will never get over him sometimes, it has been 5 months. At the same time, I do not want to get to camp and immediately start scoping out the male counselors; I want to be able to focus on the campers. I do not want to get distracted from God or the people that He has strategically crossed my path with.

And of course, I am concerned about breaking down or becoming uncontrollably angry or hysterical in a way that would hurt someone. That goes along with the control thing, though, I suppose.

And, finally, I will not see my sister until the 28th of July (she left last Friday, so it will be about a month and a half total of being apart). Although we are not as close as some sisters, it is hard for me to know that I cannot call her if I need to and she cannot reach me if she wants. She seems terribly unhappy and gets panic attacks a lot, despite the medication and counseling.


Thank you so much for your concern and your time,
Amy

Yay Hair Appointments

I got another hair appointment at a different salon this time. =)

Hair Update

I still hate my hair and want to cry. I took a shower and washed it, hoping it would look better, but it doesn't.

Hair Update

I still hate my hair and want to cry. I took a shower and washed it, hoping it would look better, but it doesn't.

I feel like roaring

Ugh, I hate my hair. I should have never gone to my mom's hair dresser. Mistake Mistake Mistake. It's way too short. I look almost butch. It has a tint of old lady to it. I just hope it grows out quickly. Now I have to go to camp looking like a 60 year old. And I miss Alex and haven't contacted him for 17 days. And I am eating dinner with my dad on Thursday, which is sure to be awkard, and my counselor said not to get my dad a present for Father's day if I do not want to and am only doing it because I "should" or "ought" to.

Pumped Up

If I am in an emotional mood or something, I can often think of my dad and get angry enough to find the emotion and motivation needed to sprint at practice.

What gets Amy angry enough to beat the competition? -Thinking about her dad. Wow...

My sister sent out letters for her missions trip to Jamaica, asking for financial support. She received enough money to go on the trip, but you know what? My dad didn't give her a penny for her trip. He never said a word about it. When my mom told me that last night as we were driving to get frozen yogurt, I almost started crying.

12 Days and Counting

It's been 12 days since I have had any contact with Alex. I have not text or called him and he has not text or called me. It's kinda pathetic that I am counting. He probably has no idea he hasn't talked to me in so long and probably doesn't care. I wish I didn't care. I have to stop myself from contacting him.

Kissing Girls

Sometimes, with my closest girlfriends, I have to stop myself from kissing them on the lips when I greet them or tell them goodbye. I love them a lot and I want them to know and I am such a physical person. I love to touch. I would hold hands with my female friends too, if it were socially acceptable. I mean, I definitely want a man sexually and romantically, not a woman, but I still find myself wishing it was normal to kiss the same gender on the lips.

Fears

So I got into a discussion about a woman's fear of rape... am I the only young female who feels like some of her daily decisions are determined by her vulnerability in that capacity? That it is a daily consideration/fear, even if not always at the forefront of my mind?

Since I broke up with Alex, all of my nightmares have been about rape. I am usually having a good time wherever the dream's setting is, and then all the sudden the tables turn on me. I have either done something I was not aware was taboo or the group I am with has suddenly realized that I am too different from them to be welcome. It is usually a group of men who threatens me and they are always of a minority race. Occasionally, it is only one man threatening me, in which case a chase scene usually ensues.

My mom said that she had a year in high school where she had nightmares with the recurring theme of rape. She was date raped though -I am not sure when, what year, if it was before or after these nightmares.

Yay Milk.

Why am I more hungry at the end of my breakfast than I was at the beginning?

I had a glass of milk, an entire orange, 2 pieces of whole wheat bread, and 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, plus 1/2 a slice of lemon bread. I started my meal at neutral (not hungry, not full), and now I would like to eat like an entire sandwich, but I kinda feel full now. Bah hum bug. I think I will go lift weights at the gym. By the time I get done, it will be time to eat lunch anyway.

I recently discovered just how satisfying milk is. I love drinking it. For a while, I didn't drink any liquids that had calories, so milk was out. Water was the only thing I drank.

-----

Also, I find myself believing less and less that my dad loves me and knows what love really is.
I find myself believing less and less that Alex ever really loved me like I loved him.
And you know what? Both of them believe they love/d me.

Maturity

For the first time yesterday, I had someone say something that went against what I have heard since I was in elementary school. I have always been told I was mature. Mrs. T and I went to lunch yesterday and talked about what had been going on in my life lately. She told me that I was dealing with things I did "not have the maturity to handle." If I remember correctly, she implied I was not old enough to have the maturity, but I am not sure. No one has ever told me that before. Everyone tells me I am mature for my years, "an old soul." I don't know how to react.

The Same Thing

Since Tuesday night, I had been looking forward to Sunday evening when I would get to see this particular guy at college group. I was so excited that I wore a dress, heels, and a full face of make up (eye shadow included). To be honest, he was the only reason I went to college group and might be the only reason I am going back to the Bible study on Tuesday night. It was pretty boring, sitting through an entire 2 hour ordeal at college group and listening to everyone trying to debate theology. Most of the kids took the stance that theology doesn't matter and so we shouldn't argue about it though. I think, for most people, that is just a cop out. It allows them to be lazy, not have to dig deeper and actually do the work of getting to know God, discovering who He is. Maybe they are scared, not lazy.

The one good thing that came out of college group was that I was able to have a good conversation with Mrs. Travers and tell her a brief overview of my life for the past two years; I had wanted to do that last week, but the opportunity didn't present itself. I really like Mrs. Travers and would love to form a deep relationship with her.

While sitting in college group, I decided I would go rent Meet Joe Black when the group was over. I called Matt and invited him to come watch it with me at my house. Of course, I cried during it. I just don't understand how such a wonderful man (Bill Parish) can love one daughter so completely to the point that she is the sun in her universe and only just plain love the other. Of course, it is the other daughter, the one with the plain love, that works so hard to make her father happy. It hurt to watch. I cried a little through out the movie. Matt asked about Alex and I told him about my conversation Saturday night with Alex. I was close to breaking out in sobs when I told Matt about what Alex and I had said the previous night.

Alex had text me at midnight and we started talking about what I had been thinking of earlier: how I don't know if I am crying for my relationship with my dad or with Alex and how in many ways they are the same relationship and so I am crying for the same thing when I cry for either. He told me he agreed that he sometimes felt I was expecting him to fill a father-role in my life instead of a companion or partner role. He also said that he is ashamed that was such a horrible boyfriend and is an a** for treating me so and hurting me again similarly to the way my father hurt me. He said he is interested in dating a girl, but doesn't think he has changed since breaking up with me and does not want to date another girl if he is just going to hurt her like he did me.

-Well, I have to go now, I have an appointment with the nutritionist Dawn recommended, then I am lifting weights, home for lunch and a nap, then swim practice.

Dads, Husbands

Sometimes when I hurt, I don't know if I am hurting because of Alex or because of my dad.

Sometimes when I cry, I don't know if I am crying because of Alex or because of my dad.

I feel like I did not receive the love I deserved.

Honestly, I don't know if my dad has ever been in love or knows what that is like. I know he loves me, but I don't know if I believe that he loves me in the way most people think of a father-daughter love.

Sometimes I wonder if I am looking for a man in my life to be my husband or to be my dad.


Oh, and my mom just called me to tell me she is going to spend the night at Ernie's tonight (wtf? they almost broke up earlier this week and now this... he had told her either they slept together or he was not going to commit himself). That set me to sobbing, since I had already been in a pretty melancholy mood thinking about my dad and Alex.

Excited.

I met a guy tonight at Bible Study and he is gorgeous and has a house and a real job and he is a Christian!!!

And I wish it was Sunday night so that I could talk to him again at church!

This is the first time this has happened! I have been interested in a guy since breaking up, but not Excited!

He talked to me for 10 minutes after Bible Study. Also, during the group discussion, when I wanted to say something but got cut off, he spoke up for me and said "hey, I think Amy has something to add."

Build It Again

How can I hate and love someone so much at the same time?

I cried about him just listening to "I've Got Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks today.

It was horrible being around Senny and Steve the entire day. They constantly reminded me of him.

I can't go back to him. He doesn't want me anyway. If I did, I know he wouldn't change and that I would not be valued or treasured the way I should be and that he would not be willing to have a relationship on the level that I want. I don't know if I can let anyone in that far again. I went with Senny to some UCF thing to play soccer with like 12 kids and then to college group at Northland tonight, and all I could think about was how I can't trust anyone that way again. I thought about how it takes so much time to build that kind of intimacy and how hard it is to build and how I don't know if I can do it again.

That Truck Has Balls

I saw a truck today that made me laugh, though I felt kinda bad that I laughed at it.

It was a huge truck, the kind with the metal balls hanging off the hitch.

The back window had in huge letters "NO LUBE? RAM IT!"

First Dance

I went to a wedding tonight. Well, I skipped the wedding ceremony and just went for the reception -I was gonna go to swim practice, but then it got lightning-ed out.
When the bride and groom took the floor for their first dance to You Belong to Me, I had to look away. It hurt to see them so happy and love, to think that just 5 months ago I thought I would be dancing like that to Good Morning Beautiful or Come Away With Me soon.

Moon Light

Have you ever read Eating in The Light of The Moon? My counselor recommended it to me. I might take an hour or two and read it at Barnes and Noble tomorrow.

Oh, and just so ya know, I called the nutritionist today and left a voicemail for her to make an appointment.

Man, I didn't realize that summer would be this lonely. I am trying to hang out with people, but it just makes it feel worse sometimes, the loneliness. I wish there was someone to talk to down here that wasn't getting paid to listen =P. I had to stop reading Twilight because it made me miss Alex too much.

Florida Life

Hunger is something that is not easily recognized for me anymore. When I want to eat food, I am unsure if it is because my body actually needs nutrients, or if I just want to eat because I am bored and the munchies have attacked me. I have a difficult time knowing what exactly a normal amount of food is and how much I should eat before I am overeating. Of course, I am afraid of becoming a skeleton and so do not want eat too little. Gaining weight is also a very scary thing to me and is not really an option I want to live with.

Dawn wants me to go to a nutritionist. She says that I may be feeling fatigued because I am either not getting enough calories or am not getting the right calories. There is a nutritionist that used to work at Remuda that Dawn recommended, but mom wants me to go see someone at Florida Hospital because it would be cheaper through insurance. The Florida Hospital lady probably has little, if any, experience with ed's. Mom wants me to go to Dawn, but Mary keeps telling me how mom tells Mary she cannot go very often because it is so expensive. I feel bad that mom wants me to go to Dawn, but is getting irritated at Mary because "counselors love to talk and will talk as long as you pay them." Mom is always complaining about money, but she can never make up her mind whether or not she can spend the money for counseling -some days counseling is a necessity, other days it is a luxury that we cannot afford. She gave in eventually to my request that I visit the nutritionist Dawn recommended. Now I feel kinda guilty because the Dawn's nutritionist is more expensive than Florida Hospital's.

I wanted to tell Alex all of this, but I can't keep letting myself return to him.

Mom is going away for a week in June with Ernie to Tennessee. They are going to visit mom's friend, Donna, and stay in bed and breakfasts. Mom implied this morning that she worries abouto Ernie's drinking. She mentioned Mary didn't like Ernie and that Dad told Mary that Ernie gets home and drinks all evening until he falls asleep. Mom then told me that Ernie was no longer drinking scotch when they went out, but wine instead. She also said that he doesn't drink too much, but in a way that made me think she was a little uneasy with how much Ernie drank.

In other news, I found a swim team to practice with this summer. It is the 14 and under group (yes, I am that slow, but I have only been practicing since April) at Oviedo's Blue Dolfins. Joe is the coach and in just two practices, I feel confident that he really wants to see me improve and will help me a lot. I have been so sore this week though!

My hammock is up in my room and I have begun reading the Twilight series every night as it sways -it sways only because I rock it with my foot against my bed.

Warren Buffet Quote

“To be a successful investor, you don’t need to understand higher math or law. It’s simple, but not easy. You do have to have an emotional stability that will take you through almost anything. If you have 150 IQ, sell 30 points to someone else. You need to be smart, but not a genius. What’s most important is inner peace; you have to be able to think for yourself. It’s not a complicated game.”

Local Lexington Eats

I went to a Cuban restaurant the other day with Heather, a girl on my hall. The place was pretty good -I got fried plantains, so I was happy. It's called Old San Juan.

Today I will be going to the Coffee Pub with Jacob. I'll let you know how it goes. It's a breakfast place.

On another note, the last two days (Monday and Tuesday) have been the easiest days since breaking up with Alex. My desires to be near, to talk, to text him have been so muted. My parents' prayers are really helping.

Feels Like It Just Lingers

Amy to Andy:

hey

your ex knows my feelings so well

she and I were like, "woah, we're emotional twins"

we talked about how we love and hate you at the same time

how we want to get over you, but we're scared that isn't possible and you will move on and we won't

*you being you and Alex, not just you

we talked about you both promised us we would be friends, but then you go off and decide we're better off not talking to you much and hardly seeing you, and it hurts because we want to be friends with you and build that and ya'll go on and decide against what you promised us upon breaking up

and how we cry ourselves to sleep every night and every time we see you, we try so hard not to be near you, but every part of our being is screaming to near you

I feel like that dumb girl in the movie that everyone is yelling at like "why can't you just move on?!"

but it's not as simple as it seems to be in the movies...

I am dreading the summer because I will not see him for 3 months, but I know in my head (not in my heart) that it will probably be better, but I am so scared of not being around him

Needy

I am so pathetic sometimes.

I talked to Alex Sunday night and Monday morning. We talked about how we both were not doing well at getting over each other, how we both wanted to get over this but at the same time couldn't help but hope to get back together eventually. We talked about how we would like to get back together after college if we could change in the next 2 years. I was so happy Monday afternoon, and then Tuesday came and I felt so stupid for letting myself hope. Hoping and talking to him caused me to backslide, for me to actually admit I still liked him. It made all those feeling (that I had been suppressing and denying) come to the surface. It hurt. Like hell.

I talked to Dorothy. I didn't want to waste 2 years hoping, but I didn't want to try and go on dates with other guys and find it futile. It felt futile sometimes to talk to other guys. He is still my first thought in the morning. Dorothy said to just try and see who else is out there and not try to be near Alex all the time or to text Alex all the time. If we should be together, we will get back together; if we are not, we will move on, even if one moves on before the other. She said that she and her husband broke up for over a year before getting back together and then getting married. She said her son and daughter-in-law did the same, but for 8 months. Being needy is repulsive.

I've been trying not to text him all day and it is so hard! I have deleted his number from my phone, but I have it memorized and it feels like it's killing me not to text him, not to find out where he is sitting at dinner and talk to him, not to ask him how his day was, not sit next to him in class. I did well today with my actions, but my desire to have some sort of contact with him had me going crazy all day and still do.

Then at dinner he text me asking me what I was doing Saturday night and if I wanted to see a movie. I had to tell him no. I have to prove to him and myself that I do not need him. I shouldn't need him, I should choose him, I should want to be with him, not need to be with him. I hope this summer away from him helps me. This is crazy hard right now.

NO!

I effing hate dorms. I just found out that I didn't get into the apartments for next year. I have to live in the effing dorms another YEAR. I can't do that. I want a real room and a real kitchen and a freaking living room. Eff.

Halfway Through College

Ever feel so lonely that it makes you sick and want to vomit?

Making Friends

I like being on the swim team. Sarah is my only friend right now, my only 2am friend, my only friend who I can be honest and open with, and my only friend who isn't a guy. It has been so long since anyone has asked me to do something, an activity, with them and I did not have to be an integral part of the planning for it to happen. I don't believe I have been a on a pre-planned by someone else, off campus outing since the beginning of freshman year, seriously. Pretty pathetic, aye?

Yesterday, at swim practice, Kara invited me to go to Keeneland with some swim team girls on Sunday afternoon. Abigail invited me to eat dinner with her tonight and then asked my cell number so that she could call me "if anything gets together on Saturday." I'm so happy that I have things to do, and girl friends to be with. =)

Swim Team

Joined the swim team last Monday.

Why did I join?

I don't know.

People think it is because I wanted to be with Alex.

I'm not sure.

Maybe to quench my need to exercise.

Maybe to learn to swim better.

Maybe to fill my life with something because Alex left a big hole in it.

I might not know for a while.

I'll try to remember to let you know when I find out why I did it.

Sister Weekend

It was fun with Mary here, though we didn't talk much. I wish we had talked and laughed more. I feel like sisters should be better at doing that kind of stuff. I hope she knows I love her, even if I do work out a lot.

I got contacts this weekend. I'm much better at putting them in and taking them out now. I tried contacts in 8th grade and it was a horrible experience; I cried and everything.

Work Out/Party Playlist

Closer, Ne-Yo
Poker Face, Lady Gaga
Miss Indepent, Ne-Yo
Umbrella, Rihanna
Disturbia, Rihanna
Don't Stop the Music, Rihanna
Circus, Britney Spears
Womanizer, Britney Spears
If You Seek Amy, Britney Spears
Untouched, The Veronicas
Boom Boom Pow, Black Eyed Peas

Stronger, Kanye West

Hey Ya, Outkast

Sexy Chick

From the Windows to the Walls

Yeah, Usher

Rude Boy, Rihanna

The Veronicas

Black Eyed Peas

Shiny Toy Guns

Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

How?

I went to Starbucks this evening with Justin.
Honestly, how did I end up dating someone so selfish? My guy friends back home and here answer all my texts immediately, would come if I needed them even if they had something going on, say really sweet things without me having to prompt them, and actually want to hang out with me even on weeknights. And they want to talk to me. And they compliment more than just my body. And they are willing to try new restaurants or go new places.

Honestly, how is it that I still have to stop myself from talking about him all the time (and am often unsuccessful)? He is pretty much over me. Justin told me tonight I either need to do everything in my power to distract and separate myself from him, or I need to get back together from him. I asked him tonight if he still thought about me, he said "no, no really."

New Stuff

So yeah, I feel like I could be considered a little bit promiscuous right now, but oh well. Last Friday night, I stayed out until 2am with Ben in his car just cuddling, then Saturday night I stayed out all night, till 8:30am, watching thunderstorms at the bridge with Andy and sleeping in his car. Then this past Friday I went out for Krispy Kreme with this guy on my brother hall 'cus he was bored (I had only talked to him once before) and we talked about how he was going to break with his girlfriend who is on my hall.

Then last night I went out with that same guy from my brother hall, Justin, and we talked and went to Sonic for icecream and made out a bit. He had just broken up with his now ex-gf when we went to Sonic. In the middle of making out at the fair grounds, we got caught by a cop and told to go back to campus (kind of embarassing, kind of funny and exciting). Then we talked for a long time in my car once we got back to campus (till 3:30am). Justin has two moms who separated when he was 10, and one of them got married to a man (who he lived with till he was sent to boarding school at 14) and his other mom is currently living with her partner and two kids. His mom and dad are now getting a divorce and have both disowned him.

I feel like I found someone who can identify with me about how weird life is and how rough it can be with parents and such.

Stop This Train -John Mayer

No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?

So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun

Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"

"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"

Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing

Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train

Warm Blanket

I think I will curl up in a blanket with a good book tonight and try to keep the loneliness away.

Hurt Either Way

Me and Mary

So when I got my Lifeguard certification, I tried to find someone to go out to dinner with me to celebrate. The only person who offered to go with me was Alex, who had just gotten back to campus from a great week at swimming nationals. When we got back in the car after dinner, I asked him for a piece of his candy (a cowtail) and he lifted it up for me to eat and then put it in his mouth so that I kissed him, well, we kissed each other. It was pretty much over right there, we agreed to drive to the Ichthus grounds, where we had a really intense make out session, probably the most intense we'd ever had. It sent me gasping for air when he would just caress my legs with his fingers. That was March 8.

March 14 was the first day of Spring break. It was fun. I went to the beach with Mary on Sunday and Monday. I went to Dawn's with Mary and learned that my sister has trust issues and that is how she copes with what has happened in our family and that she doesn't even trust me enough to talk to me about what is going on. And of course, she doesn't feel like I understand because I am not living through it daily like she is.

Tuesday night I went to visit Paul. He held me while we watched a movie, but all I wanted to do was to squirm out of his arms and move to the other side of the couch. His touch was irritating.
Another night, Sam came over and we watched a movie. He held me, which was fine and didn't bother me, but then he kissed me and it just felt off. It wasn't enjoyable, it didn't make me smile, it didn't feel good. I just wished it was Alex. His lips felt right, his arms felt comfortable.

At my grandmother's funeral on Saturday, I began to cry. I didn't cry because of my grandmother -I didn't really know her-, I cried because I started to think about how I had always imagined that Alex would be sitting next to me at her funeral and, of course, he was not sitting with me. In fact, Alex was visiting April at her school the very moment I was at my grandmother's funeral.

Alex keeps saying he is not going to officially date April as a girlfriend because it will hurt me and he cares about me too much to lose me as a friend because he hurt me. Bah hum bug. He should get over it, I am not his girlfriend anymore, he can date who he wants, I'll hurt either way.