Houston's Restaurant

Went to dinner with Ernie and mom at Houston's tonight. It's a beautiful restaurant with absolutely fantastic food and service. It was weird/gross to see mom hold hands with, kiss on the cheek, and make googley eyes at Ernie (things I never saw her do with my dad -well, I saw her hold hands with my dad once, in Maine). And Ernie calls her "mom" sometimes, which is so weird to hear. My own dad rarely called her mom, almost always referred to her as "Jane." And my mom has at least 9 dresses hanging in his closet that he bought for her. After dinner tonight, we went back to Ernie's house (we had driven over to Ernie's and then he took us in his car to Houston's) and mom gave me the keys to her car to drive Mary and myself home. Ernie will drop her off later tonight.

(-_-) ...annoyed, slightly disturbed face

Old Pics

So mom and dad have pretty much switched roles. Mom is off doing her own thing, canceling on Mary and me, forgetting that it is my birthday, going off before we wake up (8am) to Ernie's and then coming home for an hour and going off to a party again with Ernie. It's ridiculous. Mom and I were supposed to go shopping at 1 today when she got home from lunch with Ernie, but she called around 12:45 to say she would be staying at Ernie's until 3pm and would it be alright if we shopped at 3:30pm. Ugh. And she keeps leaving work early because she has parties to go to with Ernie or because Ernie has asked her out to dinner, making her boss annoyed. Leaving early counts as calling in sick with her work. Today she was first in line to be called off, so she called in and asked them to call her off because she didn't want to work. It seems like she is being incredibly irresponsible and will lose her job. She talks about jobs like she can just go and get one at a moment's notice, but she can't! The economy isn't like that and even nurses are out of luck right now.

My dad had Mary and me over for my birthday dinner last night. He made chicken Caesar salad and even bought an icecream cake for me. It was really sweet of him. Dad and I are going to go to a cycling class at the gym together tomorrow night.

Anywho, here are some old pics Mary found while looking for something to put in a picture collage for Dad's Christmas present:

Types of Love

What makes one happier, the poorer/average man with whom you fight all the time but are deeply and passionately in love with, or the successful/well-off man who you love and get along with but do not have a steamy passion for?
Which marriage will last longer? Which will be more satisfying?

It's a classic question, from Casablanca to The Notebook.

Perfect Wedding

Rehearsal Dinner: Buffet at mom's house, dress up the patio/pool.
Wedding Ceremony: Knowles Chapel
Reception: Casa Feliz or Farmer's Market.
Catering: Panera (buffet), orArthur's
Time: Brunch or 3pm.
Wedding Night: Disney hotel, really nice suite.

Rehearsal Dinner: Winter Park Farmer's Market
Wedding Ceremony: Knowles Chapel
Reception: Orlando Museum of Art (with Museum access for guests)
Catering: Arthurs for reception, but something more casual and fun for rehearsal

Rehearsal Dinner: Bella Notte
Wedding Ceremony: Gazebo at Talon Winery
Reception: Barn at Talon Winery
Catering: not sure (winery's own?)

Rehearsal Dinner: Same place mom and dad had theirs on Park Ave (the secret garden area)
Wedding ceremony: Somewhere on the lake around Rollins
Reception: Tables set up all around the Rollins pool
Lights: lots of lanterns, white Christmas lights around fence of pool and in trees
Food: sit down dinner (maybe dessert buffet or gelato or bar)
On raised area of deck: wedding party, dance floor, band
Time: dusk


Evening Garden Patio Wedding:
Ceremony: Leu Gardens Lake front
Reception: Garden with a large patio area or garden cottage (idea gardens, home demonstration area)
Time: Just before dusk, so that it is light when guests arrive to reception, but the reception will end after sunset under the stars
Music: Jazz band (with vocals?)
Dance area is a must
Food: Hors d' Oeuvres; open bar set up somewhere in the garden; gelato stand (kind of like the open bar, but serving REAL gelato) (think MUSE in Lake Mary)
Lighting: Lanterns with candles set up around the garden pathways, white Christmas lights might want to be used too
Atmosphere: relaxed, milling about, light dancing, and good foods, cocktail-ish
Length: fairly short, an hour or maybe two to keep boredom away
Seating: lots of benches and chairs around, tables in garden demonstration room (all 3 french doors open to outside

If possible and/or near a lake, fireworks after dark =)

Ceremony site idea: Park Avenue, Winter Park rose garden. The archway on New England.
Put a white sheet up behind the archway to block the view of Tuni's side wall
Short ceremony, standing guests
Reception at the Farmer's Market

Rehearsal: "Back yard BBQ" feel, maybe at a park/lake OR at the o-town art museum

Ceremony: Knowles Chapel, of course

Reception: The upstairs cafeteria/grille at Rollins (lots of ceiling/wall drapery and lighting) or the pool at Rollins or that art building' patio

If entire wedding at old family house (ceremony and reception):
Use the Evening Garden Patio idea (gelato, open bar, jazz band, Hors d' Oeuvres)
Ceremony: back side of the big wrap around porch
Music: jazz band as music
Reception: Open up down stairs of house for guests and allow milling about in garden
Food: hors d' oeuvres on a buffet in the house, perhaps the open bar and gelato in the garden or inside (depending on how distracting they would be from the ceremony)
Length: only 2 hours or so, since the band will be playing almost constantly and ppl get bored
Idea: does the house have a piano?
Seating: perhaps no tables at all, just sitting areas, benches
Time: dusk-ish would be a great time.
Rehearsal dinner: maybe rehearsal the morning of (breakfast rehearsal "dinner"), in order to only disrupt current residences' lives for only one complete day instead of two. Get panera to cater the breakfast and eat it at the house, if allowed.

No bridesmaids, just my sister as the maid of honor.
60-75 people. Maybe a DJ. Obviously, a photographer is needed.
Godiva chocolates as favors. Not sure about colors.
Chocolate cake, white icing. Flowers (pink, orange, red peonies or tulips; a few calla lilies) as centerpieces in big vases. White table cloths.
Flowers on every aisle in chapel or on each aisle seat, if money.
DJ for music at reception.
Hire a violinist or pianist for wedding ceremony.
If up-do for hair, a big white camelia in hair
If hair is down, perhaps lots of tiny white rose-like flowers (or something that looks like a mini camelia) tucked in
I like the colors bright pink, orange, and yellow and how they pop
I like the idea of putting 3 big flowers in a simple old canning jar of water
Flowers I like: Calla Lilies, Peonies, Gardenias, Ranunculus, Chrysanthemums
Fun: dance instructors for entertainment and to teach guests, since there will be a band

Rehearsal: Fun backyard BBQ
Wedding: 10:30am at Knowles Chapel (20 minute ceremony) or down by the lake at Leu Gardens
Reception: 11am brunch at Leu Gardens in the Camelia Room overlooking the lake
While pictures are being taken on Park Ave, guests are entertained with simple dance lessons. Jazz-ish band with bass, sax, singer, etc.
11:40am bride and groom arrive, meal served.
12pm toasts, first dance, guests can dance.
12:40 guests can leave, dance or wander around gardens as they wish.
1:30pm start clean up.
Colors: Navy blue (dresses) and pink (flowers).
Maid of Honor: sister. Bridesmaids, if any: Lauren, Lydia. Optional: Sarah, Bekah, Katie.

How about the Global Gallery of Stirling Sotheby's on top of the Plaza Building for a reception?
http://www.globalgalleryusa.com/page-world-marketing-center-|-events-13.html

If the reception is at Leu, I want ceiling drapery with either crystals or white Christmas lights (depending on time of day). I also might want one wall covered in sheer fabric (rippled so that it looks like a cloud).

I also want chair covers with a color ribbon tied in the back.

The whole thing, from start of ceremony to me and him leaving the reception, should take no longer than 3 hours at most. 20-30 for ceremony, 30 for pictures, 45 for introductions and toasts and first dances, 30 for dancing and general milling about, 15 for garter/bouquet, 15 for getting ready to leave and leaving. That would be 2 hours and 45 minutes. Yay.

A lace dress and a whole 1940's noir aura about the bride (make up, hair, accessories) would be cool.

Walking out of the ceremony or of the reception to What a Wonderful World by Louis Armstrong would be nice.

I think I would be mortified, but also love it, if my husband yelled, "We're gonna have sex!" as we leave the reception.

Morning Wedding:

5:00am- wake up, go for a 5:15am run with soon-to-be hubby

6:00am- shower

6:30am-meet for breakfast with bridal party people

7am-hair dresser and make up and get dressed and ready! Pray!

8:15am- pictures with respective bridal parties

9am- coffee and one-bite donuts available for guests as they come into the ceremony area

9:30am- ceremony (15-20 minutes)

10am- guests go directly to reception (that is on the same site as wedding) and begin to eat brunch, wedding party takes pictures for 30 minutes or so, guests can also dance if they would like, have dance instructors on the floor as entertainment?

10:40am- bridal party walks in, speeches begin, eat if they want

11am- 1st dance, officially open up floor to guests

11:30am- garter, bouquet, more dancing

12pm- begin clean up

If the ceremony is outdoors and during the sunrise, I like the idea of angling the guests' seats in a V, with the center being the bridge and groom, as to not put anyone having to look directly in the sun. Also, putting Ray Ban wayfarers (probably knock offs, for economy's sake) on everyone's seats b/c of the sun would just be cute!

And, if the reception is outside near a lake, I could tell everyone to bring a swimsuit for an after-party at noon or something. Or, rip of my wedding dress, have a swimsuit underneath, and run/jump into the water with my hubby as a signal to the guests, "go home! I want to be alone!"

Inked

I made an appointment to get a tattoo. It will say, in Hebrew, "Yahweh's Beloved." Well, when translated literally, it will be Beloved of Yahweh, but still. I got it checked out/corrected with a Hebrew professor at school so I know that it is correct. Shelly and I have been talking about getting tattoos together for sometime now (two years?); she is flying up to Lexington next week and is gonna drive back to Florida with me for Christmas break, so we are gonna get them the night she flies in.

Drinking.

Somehow the topic of drinking came up tonight during dinner in the cafeteria and I made the comment to Alex, "but you won't be doing that, you won't be getting drunk ever." Well, his reply surprised me. I thought we agreed that drunkenness was not acceptable -I was wrong. He said that he would not be getting drunk to the point of vomiting or not remembering anything, but that he would still drink with a select group of people to the point of drunkenness on rare/certain occasions.

Ummmm, NO.

Random Love Songs

The Way You Look Tonight
When I Fall In Love
I Can’t Help Falling In Love With You
Have I Told You Lately?
When a Man Loves a Woman
Everything I Do (I Do It For You)
I Just Called to Say I Love You
Nothing Compares 2 U
Unforgettable
Iris
More Than a Feeling
You Are So Beautiful
Some Enchanted Evening
Someone to Watch Over Me
Do You Believe in Magic
Ain’t No Mountain High Enough
Crazy Little Thing Called Love
Wonderful Tonight
Hanging By A Moment
You and Me
Truly, Madly, Deeply
I Knew I Loved You Before I Met You
Come Away With Me
I Wish You Love (Nat King Cole)

Country Love Songs

So I was looking up playlists of country love songs and was pretty dissapointed to find that not one of the 10+ at which I looked included my favorite, Good Morning Beautiful by Tim McGraw.

So, here is my own list:

Good Morning Beautiful, Tim McGraw
It's Your Love, Faith Hill and Tim McGraw
We Danced, Brad Paisley
When You Say Nothing At All, Keith Whitley
You Had Me From Hello, Kenny Chesney
You Won't Ever Be Lonely, Andy Griggs
Remember When, Alan Jackson
Amazed, Lonestar
Breathe, Faith Hill
How Do I Live, Trisha Yearwood
How Forever Feels, Kenny Chesney
I Do (Cherish You), Mark Wills
I'd Love To Lay You Down, Conway Twitty
If Tomorrow Never Comes, Garth Brooks
Love, Me, Collin Raye
Must Be Doin' Something' Right, Billy Currington
This Kiss, Faith Hill
Two Sparrows in a Hurricane, Tanya Tucker
Unanswered Prayers, Garth Brooks
The World, Brad Paisley
Somebody Like You, Keith Urban
When I Said I Do, Clint Black
No One Else On Earth, Wynonna Ryder
Come a Little Closer, Dierks Bentley
I Melt, Rascal Flatts
Your Everything, Keith Urban
Just to Hear You Say That You Love Me, Faith Hill
You Save Me, Kenny Chesney
Carrying Your Love WIth Me, George Strait
Raining On Sunday, Keith Urban
I Don't Want To Miss A Thing, Lonestar
Ain't Nothing 'Bout You, Brooks & Dunn
She's My King of Rain, Tim McGraw
Just to See You Smile, Tim McGraw
I Lost It, Kenney Chesney

Lots of Stuff in a Small Time

No more Study of History class, yay! I just printed out the edited, proofread, completed final edition of my 25 page term paper on the history of women's role and status in the Middle East from year 600 to present. I will turn it in tomorrow or later tonight.

Over the break, I finished my Sex-Education videos that I am planning on using during my group presentation on the validity of teaching sex-education in public schools. The first video is just clips of people around campus explaining their opinion on sex-education in schools and whether they were taught by their parents, in school, or neither. The second video is of my group's skit depicting three comical ways that sex-education should not be taught. I signed up for youtube today and put both of them on the website. I will also try to upload my interviews with three women with eating disorders later tonight.

Thanksgiving break was not as bad as it could have been. Alex and I hung out, ate pizza, and watched a movie Tuesday night. He was really sweet and volunteered to go out in the freezing cold at night to fetch my toiletries bag -which I had forgotten- from the car. Wednesday I flew into Orlando and went shopping for a swimsuit with Mom and Mary.

After I found a swimsuit (a green, speedo one peice), mom took me to meet her boyfriend, Ernie. Mary half-jokingly calls Ernie "mom's sugar daddy" -even to my mom's face. He is a retired dentist about my paternal grandpa's age; he was dad's dentist from the time dad was a boy... weird. Mom has always talked about Ernie, brought him pie when he was her dentist, and laughed at the e-mails he would send her. Ernie's wife died in June, mom got divorced in October; none of these things were sudden though -mom emotionally divorced dad years ago and Ernie's wife was sick for four years.

He is nice, but it's really hard for Mary; mom spends a lot of time going to dinner with Ernie and not getting home until 9pm or a little later. Mom talks to Ernie on the phone every night, from what I can tell and what Mary says. Dad is also taking it hard (it's weird to have your ex-wife date your dentist who is your dad's age), but is in private counseling and going to a divorce-care group at Northland. He insists he will find another woman and marry again, eventually; he has said that since the beginning of this ordeal. Mom had always said she planned on not dating, on focusing on me and Mary, on making her own life; it is weird that she has gotten so blinded by Ernie so quickly.

Mary says she doesn't mind Ernie as a person, it's just him as mom's boyfriend that she doesn't like. He always gives her (or anyone else) food whenever she comes over and even takes her out for food when he [occasionally] picks her up from school. Mom asked me over break if she thought it was ok for her and Ernie to go away for a few days together -I obviously, without needing to think about, said no. It is not acceptable for her to go away, over night, with Ernie to another state, even if it is at one of his friend's houses. No, the fact that he is unable to get an erection does not make it alright.

The next day, I brought up that going away together will send a bad message to Mary and she replied that she is going to go and have fun. She completely brushed aside everything I said. All I can hope is that she and Ernie are not together long enough to make the trip. It doesn't matter much though, Mary knows mom wants to go on the trip with him -mom even invited Mary and I to fly up and meet her in Maine for a week after her week up in Maine with Ernie. It sends such a bad message to Mary, to me, to Dad -it looks horrible on her part. She is 55, dating a man who is exactly 20 years her senior; she just got divorced and is dating a man whose wife just died. She even complained that Ernie didn't like her going out to eat with Jack (another old rich man...he paid for her half of my tuition this year). Gah.


Oh, back to Thanksgiving break... Grandma and Dad came over for Thanksgiving lunch at Mom's house. Grandma's nurse came too, since she was on private-care for Grandma that day anyway. I'm pretty sure the nurse would not have come if she knew she was eating at the same table as a divorced c0uple. People get really weirded out when they find out my parents still talk and go to events together (thanksgiving meal, Mary's recital, to visit me at school).

I spent Thursday night at Dad's townhouse and watched Ace of Cakes on Food Network while drinking hot chocolate and occasionally talking about Dad's family/personal history and discussing mom's behavior and how it affects me, Mary, and him. We went out to lunch the next day at TooJay's and from there I went to meet mom to look at bikes. I want a bicycle to start training for a triathalon and maybe take a few biking trips across the state. I got my size (17") and he recommended a Trek 7.2 or 7.3 FX womens, but it came with a $480 price tag. I got online and found on craigslist a 17.5" Trek 7.1 FX mens with a $300 price tag in lexington and am going to look at/buy it Wednesday. The price for the bike on the Trek website is $599.

I don't know if we will find Alex a bike -they are just so expensive and he doesn't have the money and probably not the time to ride either. I was hoping we could take a bike trip from South Florida to St. Augustine sometime though, it would be so sweet. On Saturday night, Alex and I and his mom went to the Southgate House in Cinci to see his uncle's band play. It was a pretty sweet venue and I would like to go again -maybe when I'm 21 so that I don't have to pay the extra money for not being able to drink. Saturday afternoon, before Southgate, Alex and I put up the Christmas tree together and then took a 2 hour nap together on the sofa -it was one of the nicest days I've had this entire semester.

Did I tell you that I got a membership to L.A. Fitness for when I am down in Florida? Yup, I can now swim, run, bike, lift weights, or even go to a pilates class or a cycling class all in Florida without having to sneak into the Baldwin Park facility anymore. Wednesday night, when I thought I might not get to work out, I kinda began to cry, punch things, and scream and was pretty much willing to pay any cost in order to work out. I called mom and she called dad, who promptly met me and his gym to get me a temporary membership that would last through the Thanksgiving holiday (I joined at the end of the holiday so that I could work out over winter break). I got to swim everyday I was in Florida, which means I only missed one day of working out -that was still hard, but I did manage.

I am sick, I know. I tried to get help this summer for my obsession with working out, but I don't know if I want to get help. I like working out, it is a stress reliever. I can deal, if I really have to, with not exercising... I lasted 2 days in a row over Fall break and I did one day over Thanksgiving break. I even went a week in Europe over spring break last year (though I didn't eat much and was walking everywhere). When I had to stop exercising this summer because I hurt my knee, I started restricting my calories to 1,000 a day and skipping meals (it was easy to do, working 12 hours a day myself, my sister gone at camp, my dad living on his own, and my mom working 12 hour days too).

Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Heading home tomorrow.

Wake up, swim, lift weights, shower, finish packing last minute items, eat lunch, then Hit the Road!

Alex and I will drive home to his mom's and spend the night there, I'm sure we will do something fun, since it is his mom's birthday. The next morning, Alex will go to practice and I will go to the airport to fly to Florida. Mom will pick me up around 10am at OIA and I will proceed to spend the rest of the day with my lovely sister. We are going to go to the Enzian (one of my favorite places) and see Happy Go Lucky. Thursday is lunch with mom, dad, and Mary and then time with both sets of grandparents. Friday I will be interviewing people for my eating disorder presentation and hanging out with Mary some more. It will be back to Alex's on Saturday. Alex hinted the other day -more like, kinda let it slip- that he has been planning something for us on Saturday. Saturday night, we will most likely be going to the Southgate House in Cincinatti to see a show. Sunday, back to school, Thanksgiving break over.

Good Weekend

Had a wonderful weekend:
Olive Garden Friday night with Alex, then watched Bella at the Icthus grounds. Saturday I swam, wrote my paper on Eating Disorders, and proofread/edited all of my papers due in the next month, then watched Man in the Iron Mask by myself while making a blanket. Sunday, Alex picked me up for church, we did a bit of school work, and after dinner we went to see the new James Bond movie with Jacob and Marsden.

It was good:)

A Ticket Home

Oh my word, yesterday my mom called and said that my sister really needed to see me over thanksgiving break, but I had been planning on going to Alex's for the holiday because it would be cheaper. I was so excited to spend a week with Alex and not have any school work. Alex and I were gonna go to the aquarium, the art museum, make chocolate covered popcorn, and watch lots of movies, in addition to enjoying thanksgiving with his family.

I told my mom it was a lot of money and that it was stressful for me to try and figure out how to get a cheap flight without missing classes. I said I would pray about it (and I did, briefly), since flights are not cheap two weeks before thanksgiving.

Well, I was swimming this morning and knew that I had to buy the ticket, no matter the costs. I had to let my sister know that I love her and that she is more important to me than Alex. She feels that mom values Ernie more than her and she feels unloved by Dad, I am not going to let her down too.

Well, after swimming I bought the ticket when I got back to my room. It was petty pricey and I had no clue how i was gonna pay for it (I put it on my card). Mom said she would pay for it, but her hours have been cut back from 36 a week to 24 a week lately and I don't think she can really afford a plane ticket home at the holidays at so late notice.

When I got out of class today, I got a notice from financial aid to come immediately and sign some papers.

I went over and they had a refund check for me that was exactly one dollar less than the amount I paid for the ticket earlier today.

God is good.

Fall and Winter

I don't know if it's being on the pill or if it's just me. I don't get butterflies when I see him anymore. I don't find conversation pouring forth as easily as it used to. I don't find conversation easy to keep up with anyone though. I don't feel like I smile much in general. My brain/thought process feels dead. I am considering breaking up with him. I love him, but I don't know. I don't want to stay in a dead end relationship with a guy that doesn't make my heart beat faster when I see him (my heart used to do that). I don't know. Maybe it's normal for that not to continue. Maybe this is just a rut. Maybe this is just me reacting to my dad's sexual struggle, my parents' divorce, and my dad's boyfriend and my mom's boyfriend and starting the pill a month ago.

Raising Helen

Watching Raising Helen makes me want a metal bat. I always thought I would get one as a joke for a birthday from my mom (she keeps one under her bed).

Santa!

I went to the mall Friday night with about seven girls from my hall. We went to see Santa, haha. It was so fun. We got our picture taken and everything. Yay for First Glide silliness.

Saturday I wrote a paper, read text books, and watched The Break Up with Alex in the lobby of my dorm. That movie seriously reminded me so much of the mis-communications that Alex and I have.


Oh, and, even if Elgin bought me a crock pot for Christmas, I would not feel anymore content or closer to being happy. If I had my own apartment that was beautifully furnished and my own fully stocked kitchen, I have to face the fact that I would not be any closer to feeling satisfied. I am just as discontent and unfulfilled here, in a dorm, in a 10X14 double room with small windows and even smaller closerts, as I will be anywhere else. God is what makes the difference. He is the one who brings joy and release and contentment.

A Lot of Sex

I would like to read these books sometimes. One is by a conservative christian couple about having sex every night for an entire year and the other is by a fairly liberal, secular couple, both couples are mid-life.

Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Doug Brown
and
365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe.

Life and Love and Why

When I saw a couple this summer who had tattooed their wedding "rings" on their fingers, my first thought was, "that's stupid, what if you want/need to take your ring off when you divorce?"

Was that a horrible thought? Did I doom specifically their marriage in my mind, or was I thinking in more general terms and talking of all marriages? I guess that thought reveals my secret feelings about marriage. I say with my mouth that marriage is forever and I want to believe it, but my heart betrays me.

Is being in love something that happens in the beginning of a marriage and then, a few years later, you are simply living with someone you love, but are not in love with? Maybe you are not only not in love with them any longer, but also do not even love them anymore. What happens? Is it possible to "fall back in love"? Is there a difference between romantic love and being in love?

Why does everyone keep hinting at Alex and I and whether we were "meant to be?". Well, Ethan asking us that question the other night at dinner about when were planning on getting married (I impulsively blurted out "never" and alex said "maybe sometime, idk") and then Dorothy said "Maybe you were brought to Asbury to find Alex" today after I told her about how it was a total God thing that brought me to Asbury.

Mentor

I am considering mentoring a youth. My church is partnering with a ministry that mentors kids who have a parent in jail. I have been looking for opportunities to work with kids or mentor someone, but all of the previous opportunities just never quite got my attention.

My back hurts

Just so all you single people know, it is possible to have a boyfriend and still feel lonely. A significan other is not a cure for loneliness.



I am on the verge of tears almost every day recently. I am blaming it on the fact that I am now three weeks into starting the pill. No matter the cause, the emotions of hopelessness, anger, and frustration that I am feeling right now are still real. School seems overwhelming. I feel like I should break up with Alex because I just can't see the point in marriage to anyone at this moment. Who in their right minds would saddle themselves with another sinful, faulted human being for the rest of their life?

Lately

Every once in a while, it hits me again that my parents are divorced. I just realize it in a new way every once in a while.

When Thrasher and Sarah were talking about their plans of getting married in summer of 2010, and Sara and Andrew's possible plans for 2009, they asked Alex and I when were planning on marrying. I blurted out, "never" and alex said "maybe sometime, idk." We both think the couples mentioned above are crazy and foolish. They don't have lives apart from each other; that's a dangerous situation.

I have been so tired lately. I wish I could sleep all day. The stress of school is really getting to me (and my relationship with Alex). The fact that I am only three weeks into the pill does not help either. Lately, I don't feel fully happy or content no matter who I am with. Today Alex took me to Panera though =). Alex hates Panera, but he knows I really like it. It was hard for me to feel grateful about his taking me to Panera for some reason; I felt bad that I wasn't more thankful.

Philosophy of Edu.

Today I started my Philosophy of Education for my Intro to Ed class. I was having trouble figuring out just what I believe the curriculum aspect of my philosophy should be (why I think what I teach is valuable). I came up with the paragraph below.

Social studies is a vital key to understanding humanity and the “how” and “why” of past events. When the decisions and events of the past are more clearly understood, it is easier to comprehend why the world, a country, or a community is in its current state. Armed with knowledge of how the conditions of today have come into existence, the path for the future and the ramifications of future choices becomes much less ambiguous. History and other fields of social studies, as well as decisions in life, tend to be relatively subjective and so developing problem solving skills and the tools needed to make informed decisions should be taught in such classes. To make wise decisions, students should have good character and ethics. Of course, fine character may not be taught at home, so studying “great men and women” and important turns of events of today and yesterday are needed in order to produce moral and ethical students. Focusing on controversial events and topics and developing students’ own opinions requires integrating knowledge from multiple disciplines to ensure an informed view. Higher level thinking is encouraged when students are engaged in combining various disciplines and using problem solving skills to form their own opinions.

Dear Dad

Today in adolescent learner we talked about homosexuality. We talked about how 28% of gay men have had over 1,000 partners and I thought about how mom said you were one of those 28%. We talked about how there are countless people who say that they have been able to turn from homosexuality, or "cure" themselves with the help of psychologists. Why doesn't God like homosexuality? What is so wrong about it that it offends God and goes against His nature? If some psychologists claim a 65% success rate of helping people get out of homosexuality, what's going on with the other 35%? Does the other 35% not want to be heterosexual badly enough? Are they not trying hard enough? Are they struggling with being gay for a different reason than the people who are able to turn away from it? More specifically, why have you been struggling with it so long? Why hasn't God helped you? You have gone to so many conferences and psychologists, read so many books, been to so many support groups, why do other people claim success when you keep struggling?

Mom has told me that your father did a horrible job of showing his love for you, in addition to never telling you that he loved you until you were over 50. Mom has also told me that you were sexually abused by your own grandfather when you were young. I know that you were an alcoholic and a frat boy in college, but never had sex because you weren't attracted to women. Instead, you went steady with good, christian girls who were happy to be dating a guy who didn't want to have sex with them. From what I have overheard, been told, and observed, grandma and grandpa had a very platonic relationship. Grandpa would give up anything for grandma, but didn't seem to be passionate about her. He did all the right things, but there never seemed to be any love behind them, just perfunctory obedience to what a husband should do. I felt like you were the same. No desire, no burning love or desire, no passion, just really good and honorable actions. Nothing bad, but nothing wonderful. Just there. No holding hands, no helping with the dishes; you did read to me at night for a little while, and that is one of the things that I cherish about growing up -especially the times you let me read, even if it irritated you because I read so slowly.

I read recently that girls whose fathers were more physically affectionate have higher self esteem. My friend Sara Menshouse was describing how she misses her dad so much and loves that she can go home over fall break and just watch a movie and cuddle up with him. I have been feeling so desperate for male approval and can't help but wonder how our relationship has effected that. When mom told me, I felt as if someone had killed the father for which I had always hoped. I had always felt like there had been the smallest chance that I would not only be told that I was loved, but really be loved; that day I felt like that chance was smashed to millions of pieces. I had no other words to describe how I felt except, "I feel like he died."

My freshman year of college, I began to realize that I did not feel worthy of love, or loveable for that matter. I felt conflicted that Alex would want to date me when I had not even baked a cake for him or given him a ride anywhere in my car. How I feel about myself is not your fault, but I do feel that our family's dynamics were a big part in it. My view of what a marriage should be is so skewed. I know in my that spouses should have fairly independent worlds, but should still be an inseparable part of each other's worlds; in reality, I am finding hard to get a balance between not being a part at all of Alex's life and him being everything in my life. I also have a hard time with just what to expect out of marraige and how a guy should treat me. I don't want to be alright with a guy not helping me out with dishes. I don't want to be alright with a guy putting his friends above me; I want to be the most important thing, but then at the same time I do not want to be the only thing. Because of the relationship between you and mom, I do not have any idea how this balance should be between men and women.

It makes me sad that, up until a few months ago, I just assumed that not kissing, holding each other, holding hands, or having sex was just a normal part of marriage after kids. As I have talked with people at Asbury, I have learned that couples with kids at all ages are still attracted to each other.

I feel like your spending of money on cars and technology is selfish. You always bought cars for yourself, but never for mom. The most recent car she got was not even the one she really wanted. And the computers you buy the family are never very good. The computer you bought mom and mary was a laptop with almost no hard drive or memory, when they specifically asked for a desk top with lots of space on it. Why you didn't buy Mary and mom what they wanted -it was no more expensive than what you bought- is beyond me. I can only assume that you thought your opinion was better and that, because you wanted a laptop, mom and Mary would want a lap top (even though they told you they wanted a desk top).

I sometimes feel like I am looking for a father, not a boyfriend/husband, that I am expecting a boyfriend to be a father and not a boyfriend. He can't fill that role for me, but I still look to other men to take the on that role.

I wish you would have spent more time with us. Instead of sitting on your computer most nights, you could have gotten to know me. I don't really think it was the lack of time we spent together (because, frankly, I was busy), but more the lack of deep interest in me that I perceived from you. Could you tell me my favorite book, if asked you? Did you know that I think stuffed animals are a waste of space? How about that I go through food obsessions every once in a while (peanut butter, rice, smoothies, etc)? Did you know that one of my top goals is in life is to see the Northern Lights? Thank you for coming to my voice recitals, school plays, soccer games talent shows, and all the other crazy things I participated in.

I am afraid I have lost faith in marriage. I don't know if this hopelessness or temporary or permanent. It just seems so crazy to burden oneself with another sinful, messed up person for the rest of one's life. People constantly change, especially in the teen years and twenties. If I am going to change, and another person is going to change, or one of us is not being honest about who we really are (like you were with mom, who apparently was blind and never picked up on anything), what's the point of making a commitment to someone if they will be a different person a few years later?

Thank you for coming home every night and providing money for our family.

Between Sisters

My sister replied to my message (the message that I posted earlier/yesterday) and I have decided to post her reply and my response.

Sister:
I haven't actually been in daddy's new place yet, just seen the outside. I'm crazy busy lately. It's like a townhouse/condo like he had. How did talking with dad go? I've been alright. A little busy, definitely stressed.
Last weekend I got to go to homecoming though, which was amazing :] And this weekend we have a Set Up crew overnighter. Oh, and today we have off school! Woo! Except i'm spending the day at the doctors and doing a project for AP. Dawns has been going well, I didn't go to group last night since I wanted to go hang out with some people for our day off. I still havent had just one on one session with Dawn but I think I am going to start some. Last week I ended up crying in group again when we were talking about family, which was a little weird, but also nice. Dad hasn't said anything about it really since the first time he tried talking. But I haven't really talked to him much either? Aha, mom is definitely driving me crazy. She is out every night with this Ernie guy and always on the phone with him, talking about him etc. Last night I blew up at her about it because I was out with friends and she was supposed to pick me up and the place was closing. Neither her nor dad would pick up their phones so I had to ask to go home with Nicole because she was the only person there I knew. Then Nicole was going home wit this girl I didnt know who's mom yelled at her for having another person in the car and I felt horrible. Then Nicole didn't go to her own house but to another girls house I didnt know whose mom also got mad at her. So after that whole ordeal I basically let mom have it. Especially since Saturday she came home after I was asleep so I told her I didn't like that on Sunday, then that night she comes home after I'm asleep again. But yeah, the whole Ernie thing is kind of annoying. Especially since he's really old, so it's like she's basically a golddigger, and she is still going to dinner with Jack too. Then she won't let me tell dad she's out with Ernie so I have to make up excuses for her. Ok-now my rant is over, lol. What's going on in my mind? Hmm. Well, I'm sort of stressed about school and grades. I'm not hating school, but I'm not loving it. The work isn't bad, but the people I hang out with are just like "I hang out with you because I know you, you're ok, and there is no one else." And because of stress and a soy allergy I think, I've been kind of sick lately. There's some Jordan/Megan/Nicole drama going on, which I am just trying to basically ignore as much as possible. There's not too much else. I miss you like crazy. It would be sooo much better if you were here :/ So we could make fun of mom and her old guys together, aha :P



I think it's cool that you guys are doing the kissing fast. Then you can be sure that you really like each other, even when you can't be physical. So how are you and Alex doing? How is school/practicum/therapy/s

wimming/etc going?


I Love You,
Mary ♥

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Me:

Hallo dahling,
It is getting a little chilly up herein Kentucky and I am pulling out my light jackets so that I do not freeze. I am kind of dreading the winter -I remember days when I was walking to class and wanted to cry because all I wanted to do was be inside and out of the cold. However, my new red coat will make the frigid conditions a little more bearable.

Practicum is fun. I am going to try and bake brownies for Mr/ Zeitz's class, but I can't find a pan:(. I wish I just had a fully stocked kitchen at my disposal, but I do not cook enough to be able to have that in my dorm room (all those pans, utensils, and ingredients would take up so much space in my tiny room!). I only have 3 days left at East Jessamine High and then I start my last half of practicum in Fayette county, but I am not sure what school it will be at yet.

I went to the orthopedic surgeon yesterday in Danville to hear him tell me that there is nothing wrong with my knee except that it is healing exceptionally slowly. He said it could be until December or January that I am well enough to begin running:(. In the meanwhile, I am swimming a mile every morning, lifting weights, and stretching. I keep having dream about biking though... I either find a beautiful bike on the road, someone gives me a beautiful bike, or I somehow get enough money to buy myself a nice road bike. I want a bike. However, if I get a nice bike, I have to figure out where exactly I can ride around here and I need the helmet, the little tight outfit, the shoes that clip in, and all that other good stuff that goes along with starting a new hobby. Eventually, I want to get into training for a triathlon. I have the swimming down, I will be able to get back into running easily (hopefully), and biking does not seem all that intimidating.

I can't believe mom is being so irresponsible and leaving you alone so much! Well, the leaving you alone I can see, I mean, you are old enough to be independent. But leaving you alone to stay out multiple nights a week with an old guy? -Ew.
You know what makes me mad? When mom and dad introduced this whole idea to us last year in October, they said they would only separate for a year and then they would discuss what to do from there. Well, it's been a year exactly this week and they have definitely not kept their word -well, mom has not kept her word, dad would have like to have stayed just separated. Instead of separation only, mom has gone ahead and gotten the entire divorce official and is already dating a guy!

It's funny that dad was the one so adamant that he was going to find someone else, and mom was the one saying she didn't want to find someone and she just wanted to focus on us. It's funny 'cus dad is the one who hasn't even been looking for another woman (as far as I know) and mom is the one who is already dating. I wish mom would get over not wanting to tell dad about Ernie. She knows dad will be mad/hurt, but I think she also knows that it is kind of wrong or w/e and so is not telling dad for both of those reasons.

How is church going (summit and northland)? IS dad seeing anyone or thinking about it? Do you think he'll be hurt when he finds out about mom? I wish you could come live with me. It might be a boring social life, since you would not really get off campus or out of Wilmore except when I go to church on Sundays, but it would be fun. I know that I was so much more stressed being around mom at home this summer than I am when I am at school with 5 or 6 papers breathing down my neck. Tell me all about your day, your thoughts, or whatever you want to bake/cook tonight (I want a crock pot so that I can make Apple Chicken Stew).

sentence

I was writing a 2 page essay on child soldiering for class and, while proofreading my work, decided I really liked this sentence:
The desperation for control by rebels and government, the devaluing of human rights and the despondency of poverty make a dangerous combination that easily results in child soldiering.

Hugs.

hey girl,
I just got back on campus (left at 7:45 this morning) and am soooo tired! I should be trying to do some school work in the half hour that I have before practicum (observing in the high school), but I can't bring myself to start something just for 30 minutes.

I wish you could have been with me today as I was driving to the doctor's office. I took all these lil country roads and it was beautiful! The trees were red and orange, the rolling hills had sunlight spilling onto them from breaks in the clouds. I got a teeny bit lost and had to stop in this cute diner for directions -I wish I could have stayed for some of the pancakes they were making.
Looking into the valley and seeing the beautiful Kentucky landscape reminded me just how beauty can be awe-inspiring, but terrifying (like God).

I talked to dad for the first time last night since he found out that we know. We talked about grandma, the economy, and his new place. Have you been over to his new house? Is it a house or a condo? We could have a sleepover there this winter break; girly 80's movies, paint our nails, eat popcorn -or better yet, make chocolate covered popcorn!- the whole shabang.

How are you girl? What's been happening with Dawn and that group of girls on Monday nights? Dad getting any better about just letting it lie low for a while? Is mom driving you crazy or has she given you a little reprieve from her woes? What is with this Ernie Fryer and her? She says they are dating. That is so weird. He's freaking old. And he makes her breakfast? She said she even bought an evening gown for when he takes her out somewhere. -In otherwords, what's going on in that beautiful head of yours?

I love you,
Your Big Sis.


P.S.
Alex and I started a fast from kissing this weekend. It will end November 15, our one year. Not sure if you really wanted to know that, but I needed to tell someone and feel awkward telling anyone else. Alex and I both started thinking about it independently, which I think is pretty cool. When I brought it up 2 weeks ago, he said that he had been thinking the same thing for a few weeks but felt silly about suggesting it because not many couples would want to do something like that and he didn't want to make me feel like he was not attracted to me.

Um...

My mom is dating her old dentist.

Talk it Out

I just talked to Alex about how I was feeling and how I was freaking out all because I was scared of marriage. I realized I need to just enjoy the moment, enjoy having him in my life at this time and just let things be. I don't need to plan out everything right now. I can just live and be happy in the present every once in a while.

Relationships

It's not a silly little moment,
It's not the storm before the calm.
This is the deep and dying breath of
This love that we've been working on.

Can't seem to hold you like I want to
So I can feel you in my arms.
Nobody's gonna come and save you,
We pulled too many false alarms.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

I was the one you always dreamed of,
You were the one I tried to draw.
How dare you say it's nothing to me?
Baby, you're the only light I ever saw.

I'll make the most of all the sadness,
You'll be a bitch because you can.
You try to hit me just to hurt me
So you leave me feeling dirty
Because you can't understand.

We're going down,
And you can see it too.
We're going down,
And you know that we're doomed.
My dear,
We're slow dancing in a burning room.

Go cry about it - why don't you?

My dear, we're slow dancing in a burning room,
Burning room.

Don't you think we oughta know by now?
Don't you think we shoulda learned somehow?

"Slow Dancing in a Burning Room", John Mayer

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I think Alex and I will need to part ways in the future, but I'm not ready yet. I need to build up an alternative world (as opposed to my world being him) before I let go of him. Or, we could just be going through a rough time. It just seems like every time we hang out, we end up making each other angry or hurt or ticked off.

I love Alex, but I don't think I could marry him. Maybe I have just become dependent on his presence. I seem to want to be with him so much more than he wants to be with me. He said he was really glad I was not trying to hang out with every day this week, but I hated every moment of not being able to see him for 2 and 3 days straight. He said he would have broken up with me if I was that obsessed. Is that a bad thing to want? To want to see him at least once every day, even if just for 10 minutes in the Student Center?

Sometimes his dis-like of the city, his criticism of the way I spend my money, his refusal to live south of Indiana, and his boring diet of only foods that are found at Longhorn, Outback, or Applebee seriously ticks me off. He refuses to even try soup! He won't go to Panera at all, just digs his heels in the ground.

At the same time, he is really sweet. He picks me up in his car for church, he ate all the food I made at his mom's house, he bakes with me, he was willing (though not happy) to go downtown with me, he bought me Godiva chocolate, he bought me Juno, he tells me I'm beautiful, he doesn't mind me being silly or stupid, he helped me swim properly.


I'm finding myself annoyed with everyone lately. I may be a little depressed from all the emotional upheavals of this summer. I don't want to hang out with anyone, I don't want to go to meals -I just want to be in my room, eat alone, and focus on school work. I feel like I have no friends.

Passion

what I don't understand is how they can be so convicted and passionate about something that is not real.
If they are so moved by a deity that is not, could we also be equally assured and emotional about a deity that is not?
I just don't understand how Muslims can appear equally as commited to Allah as we are to Jesus, but only one is true.

I guess I am thinking about it a lot because I am reading so much about the middle east and Islam.

The only explanation i come up with is the "Religion is an opiate for the masses" kind of thing and that isn't very comforting to my beliefs.

There has to be some explanation of how both groups can feel equally convicted. I mean, maybe Satan can evoke such feelings to and masquerade as other gods, but then, what if Satan has deluded the Christians and it is really another religion that is true?
We can say "they are the ones that have been decieved", but they say the same thing about us! It's kinda scary
Faith... blah. why can't we have proof?

Matching Pumas

I decided to skip artist series Friday night. It was such a hard decision -Alex actually wanted to go! But my desire to be involved with The Vineyard and join this all girls, young adult Bible study won out. I didn't know anyone who would be there. When all the girls showed up, I recognized one from my sociology class last semester, but had never seen the other 2 Asbury girls and 2 EKU girls. I started to cry halfway through our discussion because I began to think about my dad. My mom told him Saturday that I knew about his struggle (when I cried friday night, saturday was still to come, obviously). They prayed for me right in the middle of the study. Afterwards, I told them what was going on during prayer requests. It was a little embarassing to cry during the first meeting of the study, but I am glad I went.

After the study and after Alex got out of Artist Series, we drove to Icthus and I cried/sobbed/yelled in his arms about my dad. My whole body shook with gasps and my cheeks were streaked with tears. I needed it though. I am so thankful Alex was there. I need God more than I need Alex, obviously, but sometimes it is just easier to cry in Alex's physical arms.

Oh, and funny thing happened today: Alex and I both wanted shoes and so we drove to Shoe Carnival to pick some out. He knew that he wanted Pumas, I knew that I wanted stylish black sneakers so I could be comfortable and still formal enough for practicum. He went to Mens and I went to Womens -we came back with exact same pair of Pumas. According to Leiza, our pastor at church, Kevin, also has the same exact pair, haha. We both liked them and bought them, even if we will look funny when we wear them together. They were the same price, same style -only difference was the sizes. Below: picture of our shoes.

First Few Weeks Back.

Last night, Alex and I went out to PF Changs in celebration of the new school year. When we got out of dinner, it was raining pretty hard, so he volunteered to go get the car and pick me up -despite my suggestion that we could wait it out. While waiting, I heard a couple behind me talking. The girl was asking the guy to go get the car and the guy was saying, "no way, it's too wet. why don't we just wait it out? You can go get it if you want." I felt so proud of my man. When Alex picked me up, I told him about those couples and he said, "Did you tell them that your husband went to get the car?" -ohmyword, he got so red! He had meant to say "boyfriend," haha. I love it when he slips like that. I do it too sometimes. It's mortifying, but cute all at the same time.

The school year has started off pretty well. I cried a few nights, but I really believe that it was caused by a lot of the stress of moving back in and trying to settle back down into normal life again. Also, it didn't help that the first week I hardly got to see Alex because he was so busy with TAG. I felt like he was hanging out with his friends more than he was with me and got really insecure. I called him about it and we both started crying, of course, and so we met each other behind the science building and had a good talk about what we needed, what we wanted, where boundaries would be this year, and life in general. By boundaries, I am not talking just physical; I mean social boundaries mostly. For instance, how much time will we spend with others vs spending time with each other and if we will say "I love you" in public (we are not). Of course, the ever-present source of tension between us is the fact that I love to plan, schedule, and organize, and he hates to do anything of the sort, he loves spontaneity.

My classes aren't too bad... ha.

• Study of History- read two novels about studying/writing/reviewing history, write a 25 page paper on any topic in history of your choice
• Adolescent Leaner- Reflection Paper, Research Paper, "hot topic in adolescence" paper and presentation
• Intro to Ed- endless amount of random, 2 page papers and various projects every week or so
• International Social Issues- read a novel and write a summary, two page papers and online discussions weekly.
• Hist. of Subsaharan Africa- read 3 novels
• Practicum- observe/help/participate in a high school classroom from 12:30-3:30 every Tuesday and Thursday.
  

Pleasing.

I think that's party of why I tried to do so well in school, for my mom to be happy. I knew she would be perfectly fine if I made a few C's, she wouldn't get mad or yell, she might ask if I needed a tutor, but that would be all. But I think I felt that I would make her happier if I made good grades.
Last year, in college, I discovered that I couldn't make all A's in school and still have a lot of fun, though I could still do quite well. I think I partially turned to running, being healthy, and having a beautiful body because I couldn't be perfect with my grades. She calls me beautiful if I come out in a nice bathing suit or slightly sexy outfit, so it fit the mold pretty well to make her smile. I don't know... this is all speculation, I am just trying to figure out what is going on in the world around me and what is happening inside my mind and thoughts.

Co-dependent+Addict

Dawn and I have discussed recently that I do not like to be assertive, like when I am with kids at the day camp. Instead of telling them authoritatively to do something, I would say, "would you please put away your legos?" or "Tim, why don't you stop throwing sticks?"

Mary and I went together to Dawn today and discussed my mom telling Mary that Mary wasn't fat and then pointing to my stomach and saying that I even have "a little chunk." She asked why we don't ask her to stop, or why we don't tell her we are too overwhelmed to hear about what she thinks about the divorce. I have said that I feel like I don't have the words or that I will say it rudely or be mean about it, I am afraid I will say it the wrong way. Dawn asked what would happen if I did say it the wrong way and I said I was afraid she would cry, that I would sound rude, that I would upset my mom. I told her that my mom often apologizes for being "a bad mom," for not disciplining us, or something or other. Then she tries to make herself feel better by saying how she let us be independent, sent us to camp, let us travel, made sure we did well in school.

Dawn said that it sounded like my mom needed other people to give her her value, that she was "co-dependent." She said that her self worth/image is most likely very fragile and dependent on other people. I cannot feel guilty for making my mother cry/upset because I tell her that I cannot hear her talk about the divorce or her past or my dad's past or her thoughts on her marriage or parenting. I cried when Dawn told me this. I felt like I was in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon, "it's not your fault" over and over again.

Dawn says that eating disorders, sexual addictions, and same sex attraction usually spring from the same well, the well being emotional wounds. She said that my dad fits very well into the sexual addict in his struggle with same sex attraction. She said that it is very common for codependents and addicts to marry each other. They work well together.

My mom likes to focus on others instead of focusing on herself. She likes to take care of others instead of taking care of herself. She usually finds one or two people a year that she kind of takes under her wing and helps. She even calls them her "projects." My dad said she thought she could fix him and that she kind of thought of him as one of her "projects." Dawn says that that is probably why she stayed so long, because it felt like there was a pay off. She was helping him, she was getting something out of staying.

Other people like to talk about how noble their parents were because they went eight years without buying new clothes for themselves, only buying new clothes for their children. I feel like you could attribute that nobleness to my mom, or you could look at it and say that we weren't hard pressed for money with my dad's Channel 6 job and that she just doesn't ever do anything for herself and will do everything for someone else.

I suppose I will have to tell her to stop talking about certain things with me or in front of me, to stop confiding in me and to find friends or a counselor to talk things through with.

I think Mary felt pretty comfortable with Dawn, atleast comfortable enough to start crying while we talked about things. I hope Mary goes back to Dawn even when I am at school. I will continue meeting with Dawn while at school, but over the phone and every other week.

Timing of Rents + Boys

did you know that we went to see 3:10 to Yuma October 10 and became official November 15? I guess a lil over a month of seeing each other practically every day (and being acquaintances before October 10) is more than enough time to make a decision, haha. I was just trying to figure out when we started hanging out and when my parents told me they were separating. I found out they were separating October 4. However, I was still in denial until about halfway through second semester that the separation affected me at all.

Lovable.

I was angry at first at my dad for cheating my mom out of a real romance, for not telling her until they were married for about 6 or 7 years and his boyfriend broke up with him and he was completely distraught.

Now I am finding myself getting angry at my mom because she is talking about possibly getting back with my dad, but not because she is in love with him or anything. Just because it is easier. Easier than being alone. Easier financially. Easier because she thinks it will take away her guilt for asking for a divorce.

I think that the truth is she doesn't think there will be anyone out there that will love her/love her better. She doesn't know if she deserves something better or will ever be able to find anything better. She doesn't think that a love, a selfless love, a joyful love, a love that is focused on her and God and without adultery exists. She doesn't think she is desirable, lovable.

I wonder if I inferred some of her feelings of being unlovable and transferred them to myself and men and God (refer back to various posts when Alex and I first started dating, first semester).

Message to a Boy

Dearest Alex,
I am getting nervous about the upcoming semester. There has been so much going on this summer that I don't know how I will be when I get back into the grind of school. I think it will either be really good for me or it will just compound things even more and make it all come tumbling down.

Gah, being without you for 3 months has been really difficult. I am not talking physically -I mean, yes, of course being so far away from your touch was hard, but it was just hard not being able to smile at you every day or watch the way you walk as we leave the cafeteria (you usually leave with Elgin or someone and I stop by the admin building and simply enjoy watching the way your hips move in such a masculine swagger.

I want to be close to you emotionally, with my heart. I feel like I lost so much of that this summer. With our hormones, we lost nothing physically =P, but I feel like we have so much to catch up on. Just catching up on lost quality time spent together. Evenings in the SC, seeing each other between classes at CPO. Do you know what i mean?

Maybe I feel this way just because of the "War" that I have been through this summer. Maybe you don't feel a loss over anything at all. I just wanted you to know. I so badly just want to steal those few minutes together. It's the small things around campus that I want; eating in the cafeteria and hanging out till an hour after it closes, meeting in the caf lobby before getting in the car for church, sitting on the benches on the green after dark, studying/sitting in the library together.

Love,
Amy



P.S.
When I get married, I want to make love with the light on, not off. I just watched a scene in In Her Shoes where the couple starts making out and the girl turns the light off, but the guy turns it on again, then the girl turns it off for a second time, but the guy turns in on, demanding that he be able to see her because he believes that she is beautiful and he wants her to know that.

Mom and Dad

I don't know what I hate more, that my mom keeps talking about my dad or that she said last night that she seriously might get back with him.

My mom constantly talks about my dad, how she feels sorry for him being alone, how she wonders if she did the right thing to file for divorce after 30 years of marriage, how he is going to counseling again and doesn't want to be gay. She asks if buying too many cars in a year and buying computers like they were candy is a reason to end a marriage.

She spent all day in bed with him yesterday and then says (like she has before) that he is a really nice guy and keeps citing the fact that it is so much easier to live financially with dad than without him.

Dad's ok.

Dad got in a motorcycle accident yesterday. It was raining and he was on highway 50, his bike started to spin and threw him off. He went spinning through the air, but luckily he was wearing all his really good gear and miraculously didn't get any road burn, only a few cuts. He had internal bleeding in his brain last night and so stayed in the hospital, but he should be able to come home today. He can't stand on his own for longer than a few seconds and the doctor said he will be terribly sore and have a head ache for about two weeks.

When he had his accident, there was a doctor right behind him in a car who saw the whole thing and called for dad to be airlifted to the hospital. The doctor said that dad was unconscious until he got to the hospital and was still really unresponsive when he woke up.

He will stay a couple days with us at my mom's when he gets out.

Rickety Coaster

This summer has pretty much been the hardest summer I've ever been through, possibly the most roller coaster season of my life.

I learned yesterday that my father was sexually abused by his grandfather.

I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even workout, let alone run, because now my knee is even worse and I am going to begin physical therapy the last week of August. It's been 3 days without any cardio and its killing me. Dawn thinks that it will be good, that I was using working out as an outlet and a way to push away issues with which I am now ready to deal.

Five Days in Indiana

August 1st. Woke up, worked out, got a manicure and a pedicure with Mary, went to lunch, went home and packed, watched Four Weddings and a Funeral (disappointing, thought it would be better). FINALLY left for Indiana.
The entire plane ride I was like an antsy three year old, or someone on drugs. I couldn't stay still, I was so fidgety -especially after the plane landed. When I finally saw him at baggage claim, I dropped my huge rolling suitcase in the middle of the exit doors and held on to his torso for what would have been eternity if he had not made me pick up my bag so that people would stop tripping over it.

The car ride home wasn't too bad, only two hours. I sat on his lap the entire time and whispered occasionally in his ear, but for the most part, I think we were both too overwhelmed with each other's presence to say or do anything.

Saturday. Possibly the best day of my life so far. Woke up, lay in bed for a little, played with the kittens outside, walked around the yard, laughed at the kittens some more, talked just sitting in the front yard. We eventually had lunch, took showers and got ready to go out to eat at O-Charleys. Ohmygoodness, the rolls were so good at O-Charleys. After dinner, we went home and watched a movie while eating icecream.

Sunday was Ikea Day. We looked around with Sam (alex's twin), Sam's boyfriend, Tyler (alex's bro), and Ms Rita. That took up pretty much the entire day. Oh, and Alex and I made a strawberry pie and french toast together.

Monday was Alex's 20th birthday. We went kayaking 8 miles down river:), went out to dinner with Alex's family and Sam's friends, then went home and watched a comedian on DVD with his family.

Tuesday we went to the mall to find Alex a suit (and failed, haha) and hung out around the house, blew bubbles together with the bubble sword thing I had bought him during the school year. We ate the rosemary chicken and mashed potatoes that we had made together while watching some older action movie with Alex's mom, aunt, brother, and cousin.

Wednesday came too fast and we spent the day lounging about the house until it was time to leave for the airport.

The End.

Sabbath

I had to work on Sunday this past week and was pretty bummed about it, but I am so glad I did now. I feel like I saw God on Sunday. There was a woman who came in my store and was complaining that her father had come to visit and with him brought all these to-do lists, like returning his sunglasses to my store. I asked her where he was visiting from and she said he was from Boca and volunteered the information that he and her mother had divorced less than a year ago. I told her I had the same thing and that it was hard being an adult and having it happen. We quietly talked about it and how we both were seeing counselors and how it seemed much more complicated to figure out when you are an adult vs being a kid because we are the ones who decide when to see who and on what holidays to see them. She was married and said that it put a lot of strain on her relationship with her husband. It was just so good to meet someone going through something similar to me. God was definitely in that.

Graveyard Shift

Sam is a security guard at Northland and at SeaWorld. He was on the midnight to 7am shift last night at church and invited me to come by and chill with him for a bit. At first I said no, because I have to be at camp by 8:30am, but then I thought about it and realized I could count on my hands the number of times I had hung out with people this summer -four of the ten times were working out with Paul. So I made some cinnamon rolls and brought them to Sam at midnight. I was in my PJs, but I knew that Sam wouldn't care.

Before I got there, there had been a "disturbance," so Sam called the cops. By the time the cop got there, we were both standing in the parking lot at midnight, me in my PJs and holding a Tupperware of cinnamon rolls. Oh well, haha. I'm sure it looked funny.

Anywho, after Sam scared away the water moccasin, he took me up on the catwalk in the auditorium and we explored up there for a while, then went out onto the roof of the sanctuary. It was really neat being up so high and being able to see the lights of Orlando to one side and the lights of Sanford to the other. We also took the really big truck out and tore up the grass in the field across the street (totally not supposed to drive the truck). It was so fun. I've never been off-roading or anything and didn't expect him to drive crazily, so I was caught off guard and had not put my seat belt on (I thought we were just going around the parking lot for a check). Sam just put his arm around me while he drove so that I didn't fly across the cab of the truck.

It was good night -even if I only got 4 hours of sleep and then had to go to camp. After camp today, I go to see Dawn (first time since two weeks ago and finding out about my dad, since she had to cancel last week) and then go to Carmen to get my hair highlighted, then home real quick to change for Sunglass Hut and then work from 4 until 9. Eh, only 3 more days. Gah, I am so close to Alex and feel like I am still a century away.

Home

I thought to myself this morning at work, "I just want to go home" and realized that I didn't mean home as in my house in Florida or even Asbury college, I just meant Alex's arms.

I feel like if I could just see Alex, things would make more sense, I wouldn't feel so isolated and tired, life would be a little bit better. I know his presence won't make anything better -heck, it could make things more complicated. But I just want to believe that being near him will be like a kiss and a band aid for a scrape like when I was little.

Kitchen table

I want a table similar to either of these. I like the bright colors better. I want it to be happy. The round shape is nice, but impractical for big numbers. I knew a family who had a round table for 8 though. It was big, but there was actually enough room in the middle for food for once; they had a huge lazy susan in the center.

Song for a Voicemail

Patty Loveless - You're All I Think About These Days

I try to think about elvis
Memphis
Oprah in the afternoon
I try to think about palm trees
Fig leaves
The creature from the black lagoon
I try to think about high heels
And good deals
Anything to get me through
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days

I try to contemplate the cosmos
What goes
Round and round the sky at night
I try to think about champagne
Freight trains
Slowly rolling out of sight
I try to focus on the headlines
Street crimes
Everytime i think i might
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days

My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what i should say
I forget what i should do

My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what i should say
I forget what i should do

I try to think about shakespeare
Leap year
The beatles or the rolling stones
I try to think about hair-do's
Tattoos
Sushi bars and saxophones
I try to think about the talk shows
New clothes
But i guess i should have known
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
You're all i think about these days

Tim McGraw- Just to See You Smile

You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from bein' made of gold
I don't know how but I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Just like when you were leavin' Amarillo
Takin’ that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can't forget the way you looked at me

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
Cuz leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin' up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I’d lie again

Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
I'ts worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile

Would You Go With Me- Josh Turner

Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down

Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl

Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me

Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me

If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Help me tie up the ends of a dream
I gotta know, would you go with me
I love you so, so would you go with me



Come A Little Closer- Dierks Bentley

Come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
On a bed of sweet surrender
Where we can work it all out
There ain't nothin' that love can't fix
Girl it's right here at our finger tips
So come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down

Come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go
Of everything that stands* between us
And the love we used to know
I wanna touch you like a cleansing* rain
And let it wash all the* hurt away
So come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go

If there's still a chance than take my hand
And we'll steal away
Off into the night
Until we make things right
The sun's gonna rise, on a better day

Come a little closer baby I feel like strippin' it down
Back to the basics of you and me and what makes the world go round
Every inch of you against my skin
I wanna be stronger than we've ever been
So come a little closer baby
I feel like strippin' it down

Come a little closer baby
Just a little bit closer baby
Come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down



Ladies Love Country Boys- Trace Adkins

She grew up in the city in a little subdivision,
Her daddy wore a tie, Momma never fried a chicken,
Ballet, Straight A’s, Most likely to succeed

They bought her a car after graduation
Sent her down south for some higher education
Put her on the fast track to a law degree

Now she’s comin home to visit
holdin the hand
Of a wild-eyed boy
with a farmer’s tan

And shes ridin in the middle of his pickup truck
Blarin Charlie Daniels yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady
but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys

(You know its true)

Yeah, you know momma’s and daddy’s want better for their daughters
Hope they’ll settle down with a doctor or a lawyer
In their uptown, ball gown, hand-me-down royalty

They never understand
why their princess falls
For some camouflage britches
and a southern boy drawl

Or why she’s ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Hank Jr. yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady
but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys

(oooh, get country with it)

You can train ‘em
You can try to teach ‘em right from wrong
But it’s still gonna turn ‘em on

When they go ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Lynyrd Skynyrd yellin, “Turn it up!”
You can raise her up a lady
but there’s one thing you jus can’t avoid
Ladies love country boys

They love us country boys
Ooooooh yeah
It's that country thing you know

Tuition

My mom met Jack and Lea before I was born, I think. She took care of Lea years later as she slowly (or quickly, depending on your point of view) went down hill due to alcoholism. Jack is now alone and very rich. My mom goes out to dinner with him pretty often (once every two to four weeks). She calls him up and invites him to dinner (he pays) because he is lonely. He is always saying to ask him if we ever need any help with money; he says he has plenty of it and would not mind helping someone else. My mom finally decided that she would ask him for help with my tuition for school and if he didn't want to help, he wouldn't. He did say yes, he is paying for my mom's half of the tuition plus a little extra just to be nice. Wow. I don't know what to say.

Princess

I feel like he died.

I had always hoped that he would miraculously change and start to suddenly have a relationship with me, suddenly be protective of me when it came to guys, suddenly want to get to know. Maybe he would start calling me and inviting me over to do things instead of me always having to call him at least three times to get any kind of activity set up with him.

Now that I know he will never be in love with my mom and or feel the way most men do about women, I feel like all hope of having that beautiful father-daughter relationship is gone.

I have never been Daddy's Little Girl and now I really never will be Daddy's Princess.
My dream of being so kind of died yesterday. I don't think it will ever be resurrected.

-_-

Do gay men love their children differently than straight men? Is that why he never cared much when I hung out with boys? When I go out with them until 4am or sleep over at their houses? He was never even very worried about my mom's, Mary's, or my safety; never got out of bed (except once, one time, I was like 7) to check out the monsters in the dark, it was always my mom who kept me safe.

And he told me last week that he will get married again! I can only assume, since he is not going to leave Florida, that he is talking about a woman. Gah. That's so selfish of him.