My school had a special chapel on eating disorders yesterday, and while it wasn't bad or untruthful, it was definitely boring. However, the woman who spoke was from Remuda and she brought up the topic of shame. Over the past few months, I have begun to recognize and admit that I feel shame when it comes to ED. I mean, it's only the stupid girls who are shallow and don't understand nutrition who are dumb enough to believe things that aren't true and have such a weak will to not be able to stop something they know is bad for them, right? -I am being sarcastic, but also mimicking the thoughts in my head. Anyway, I know shame is not of God and God's grace is bigger, but it's hard to live that out.
There was a small seminar yesterday in the student center on "how to help loved ones with eating disorders" put on by the woman from Remuda and only 4 people who didn't have EDs showed up (there were 8 total). I felt like no one cared enough about me, or the tens of other girls on campus who struggle, to want to know how to help me. I was really disappointed in my friends who I had told about my ED. But then I continued to think about it, and I was like, "God and Lauren both care and really understand, and they love me, and I can trust them." I usually end up crying myself to sleep, but last night it was so comforting to have that loneliness ebb away for once.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Sex/Marriage/Church
My church is about to start a series of sermons on the topic of sex and I must admit that I am a little nervous. It is not the sex part that I care about -goodness knows I have heard a bajillion sermons and talks on sex in chapel, in "adult" church, in youth group, and even at camp-, but the marriage part I am concerned with. Most sermons on sex, in a nutshell, go something like this, "Sex is wonderful, but only in marriage. Don't make love until you're married because God designed sex for marriage and it is better experienced in the confines a of a secure, trusting, committed marital relationship."
So really, I am not headed into a 3-week sermon series on sex. What I am getting into is 3 weeks of hearing about something that I cannot do and have no hope of doing because I do not have a man in my life, because I am not married. All that makes me do is want to get married, not want to save myself for marriage. Especially in light of my recent revelation about wanting to live my life for me and not living to get married, I do not want to put myself through such sermons. For the past 4 weeks or so, for the first time in my life, I feel slightly freer from the pressure to get married, from the constant desire pressing on me to be loved by a man, from the fear of leaving college alone and never finding someone. I am more content on my own right now than I have ever been before and I don't want to risk lose this because I listened to 3 sermons on how great marriage is/will be.
I think I will go tonight to hear the first sermon, but I will walk out if I want or need to and I am making no commitment to continue with the entire series.
UPDATE:
Church was good. Pastor Kevin exceeded my expectations. He talked about the shame that Satan can put on us (and we put on ourselves) when we believe Satan's lies instead of God's truth. He spoke of breaking free from shame through God's grace because shame keeps us from believing others can love us and from loving others.
So really, I am not headed into a 3-week sermon series on sex. What I am getting into is 3 weeks of hearing about something that I cannot do and have no hope of doing because I do not have a man in my life, because I am not married. All that makes me do is want to get married, not want to save myself for marriage. Especially in light of my recent revelation about wanting to live my life for me and not living to get married, I do not want to put myself through such sermons. For the past 4 weeks or so, for the first time in my life, I feel slightly freer from the pressure to get married, from the constant desire pressing on me to be loved by a man, from the fear of leaving college alone and never finding someone. I am more content on my own right now than I have ever been before and I don't want to risk lose this because I listened to 3 sermons on how great marriage is/will be.
I think I will go tonight to hear the first sermon, but I will walk out if I want or need to and I am making no commitment to continue with the entire series.
UPDATE:
Church was good. Pastor Kevin exceeded my expectations. He talked about the shame that Satan can put on us (and we put on ourselves) when we believe Satan's lies instead of God's truth. He spoke of breaking free from shame through God's grace because shame keeps us from believing others can love us and from loving others.
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Military and Responsibility
I am rooming with a hopeless Republican hardliner. She makes Raegan look like a liberal. She says that she will never, under any circumstance watch MILK the movie and she said she wouldn't support the petition against the bill in Uganda that would use the death penalty against anyone suspected of homosexuality. I might not make it through the semester.
The above 3 sentences above are a text message I sent to my sister and a couple of my friends. One of those friends is a guy at the Naval Academy. Let me tell you now, the educational system has FAILED my dear friend at the Academy. He replied that he did not understand, so I simply explained to him, "My roommate is an extreme conservative and I am not. There is tension." He replied, "I don't even know what those words mean." ...AH! No wonder America is in such a frightening state.
Someone who is in training to be in a leadership position in the military should know what is going on in politics and how it will affect the military and his job. I also believe that one in the military, especially in a higher position, should also be interested in politics enough that he or she would want to know why the government is pursuing specific policies and why/how it is using the military to execute its policies. To keep up with those developments is hard work though, so I can at least try to be sympathetic to someone who is not informed on those aforementioned topics, but to not even know the meaning of the terms conservative and liberal is just unacceptable. I am personally frightened to know that men at the Naval Academy can be so uneducated. I feel that the more uneducated military personnel are, the more dangerous -not protective- the military is to my own safety as an American citizen.
In my view, my friend is using the excuse of "Well they are orders. It's not my job to understand them. Only verify that they are ethical and moral and accomplish them," is an ignorant and lazy excuse. It is a cop out. You have a moral responsibility to understand why you are doing something and how it affects all parties involved. The task of verifying if orders are "ethic and moral" is not easily done when one does not understand why they are being ordered or the context that they are being ordered in.
The above 3 sentences above are a text message I sent to my sister and a couple of my friends. One of those friends is a guy at the Naval Academy. Let me tell you now, the educational system has FAILED my dear friend at the Academy. He replied that he did not understand, so I simply explained to him, "My roommate is an extreme conservative and I am not. There is tension." He replied, "I don't even know what those words mean." ...AH! No wonder America is in such a frightening state.
Someone who is in training to be in a leadership position in the military should know what is going on in politics and how it will affect the military and his job. I also believe that one in the military, especially in a higher position, should also be interested in politics enough that he or she would want to know why the government is pursuing specific policies and why/how it is using the military to execute its policies. To keep up with those developments is hard work though, so I can at least try to be sympathetic to someone who is not informed on those aforementioned topics, but to not even know the meaning of the terms conservative and liberal is just unacceptable. I am personally frightened to know that men at the Naval Academy can be so uneducated. I feel that the more uneducated military personnel are, the more dangerous -not protective- the military is to my own safety as an American citizen.
In my view, my friend is using the excuse of "Well they are orders. It's not my job to understand them. Only verify that they are ethical and moral and accomplish them," is an ignorant and lazy excuse. It is a cop out. You have a moral responsibility to understand why you are doing something and how it affects all parties involved. The task of verifying if orders are "ethic and moral" is not easily done when one does not understand why they are being ordered or the context that they are being ordered in.
Sunday, January 17, 2010
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Sister Love
I am at a loss as to how I can be there for my sister when she sends me texts me, "Yet another night spent driving home alone in the rain while listening to Jon foreman, sobbing, having a panic attack and wishing I could just slam into the semi in front of me. And wanting to sleep all day."
My mom thinks Mary needs to up her dose of Prozac or Zoloft or w/e she is on right now. Mary sleeps something like 12 hours total in a day (naps included). When she is awake and at home, she usually is lying in her bed and on the computer. She does her homework and makes very good grades. She worries incessantly about her grades, actually.
Mary is under the impression that going to a private, college-prep boarding school will help decrease her panic attacks -I hope she is right. My mom is considering selling our house and marrying Ernie to help pay for Mary's schooling at the boarding school.
I know that there is not much I can do for Mary -I can't make her be happy and I can't tell her to stop having panic attacks. I also cannot force her to talk to me about what dark thoughts plague her, but I am so scared of getting that phone call. I would do anything for her. In fact, I was watching a WWII/Nazi movie the other night and could not help but think that I would do anything to save my sister from a death like what was in a concentration camp, including sacrificing myself for her. I can try to protect her from other people, but how do I protect her from herself?
My mom thinks Mary needs to up her dose of Prozac or Zoloft or w/e she is on right now. Mary sleeps something like 12 hours total in a day (naps included). When she is awake and at home, she usually is lying in her bed and on the computer. She does her homework and makes very good grades. She worries incessantly about her grades, actually.
Mary is under the impression that going to a private, college-prep boarding school will help decrease her panic attacks -I hope she is right. My mom is considering selling our house and marrying Ernie to help pay for Mary's schooling at the boarding school.
I know that there is not much I can do for Mary -I can't make her be happy and I can't tell her to stop having panic attacks. I also cannot force her to talk to me about what dark thoughts plague her, but I am so scared of getting that phone call. I would do anything for her. In fact, I was watching a WWII/Nazi movie the other night and could not help but think that I would do anything to save my sister from a death like what was in a concentration camp, including sacrificing myself for her. I can try to protect her from other people, but how do I protect her from herself?
Friday, January 15, 2010
Papers, Applications
The first week back at school and I will have written 3 papers by the end of it -serves me right for taking a class with Dr. Char.
In other news, I am applying for a government grant to study a year in India and then, in return for the government paying for my year abroad, I work for them in some capacity in national security for at least a year.
In other news, I am applying for a government grant to study a year in India and then, in return for the government paying for my year abroad, I work for them in some capacity in national security for at least a year.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Overwhelmed
I've known it for a while, but never put words to it:
I want stop living as if my life-before-I-get-married only serves the purpose of preparing me for marriage.
I want to stop thinking in terms of before-I-get-married and when-I-am-married.
I want to stop being a perfectionist and codependent for myself.
I want to be a more emotionally and mentally sound person for my sake, not for a future marriage/relationship.
I do not want to want to be a more healthy person primarily to be a better wife or have a better marriage.
I am sick of being told that I am single because God is making me into a more beautiful woman for my husband.
I am tired of dividing my life into two phases, single and married.
I want to live for me, not for some ideal state that I have fantasized about and have been brought up to long for.
I was at Dawn's today and we were talking about how I am dreading this upcoming semester at Asbury. This Christmas break has not been perfect, but I have felt so much more at peace about being single, about not being engaged or in a relationship. I mean, I still have desires and feel lonely, but it's more bearable and is not as much of a consuming pain as it was a month or so ago. I feel like the change has a lot to do with that I have not been constantly surrounded by couples who are in love for 3 whole weeks and no one around me is an engaged 20 year old.
It's so much easier to be content with just myself when I am not bombarded by images of couples all day long. In general, people are not expecting 20 year olds to be looking for their spouse outside of Asbury. It's so much less pressure away from Asbury. It makes me want to graduate from Asbury as soon as possible so that I can get out into the real world where it is ok and even normal to fall in love with someone but not jump into marriage.
P.S.
I feel like 2009 could be called The Year of the Break Up for me. Breaking up with Alex, and also breaking with ED. Although I can feel the healing from breaking up with my ex boyfriend, ED is not giving up as easily and I am still fighting through that one. Although I wish I did not have to go through all of the pain that 2009 has been filled with and it kinda seems like a lost year, I know it has been worth it. I am hoping that, although I had to re-break the bone in 2009, 2010 can be the year in which I begin to heal properly.
P.P.S.
Thank you, Kara, for showing patience to me and for being willing to give me much-needed reality checks.
I want stop living as if my life-before-I-get-married only serves the purpose of preparing me for marriage.
I want to stop thinking in terms of before-I-get-married and when-I-am-married.
I want to stop being a perfectionist and codependent for myself.
I want to be a more emotionally and mentally sound person for my sake, not for a future marriage/relationship.
I do not want to want to be a more healthy person primarily to be a better wife or have a better marriage.
I am sick of being told that I am single because God is making me into a more beautiful woman for my husband.
I am tired of dividing my life into two phases, single and married.
I want to live for me, not for some ideal state that I have fantasized about and have been brought up to long for.
I was at Dawn's today and we were talking about how I am dreading this upcoming semester at Asbury. This Christmas break has not been perfect, but I have felt so much more at peace about being single, about not being engaged or in a relationship. I mean, I still have desires and feel lonely, but it's more bearable and is not as much of a consuming pain as it was a month or so ago. I feel like the change has a lot to do with that I have not been constantly surrounded by couples who are in love for 3 whole weeks and no one around me is an engaged 20 year old.
It's so much easier to be content with just myself when I am not bombarded by images of couples all day long. In general, people are not expecting 20 year olds to be looking for their spouse outside of Asbury. It's so much less pressure away from Asbury. It makes me want to graduate from Asbury as soon as possible so that I can get out into the real world where it is ok and even normal to fall in love with someone but not jump into marriage.
P.S.
I feel like 2009 could be called The Year of the Break Up for me. Breaking up with Alex, and also breaking with ED. Although I can feel the healing from breaking up with my ex boyfriend, ED is not giving up as easily and I am still fighting through that one. Although I wish I did not have to go through all of the pain that 2009 has been filled with and it kinda seems like a lost year, I know it has been worth it. I am hoping that, although I had to re-break the bone in 2009, 2010 can be the year in which I begin to heal properly.
P.P.S.
Thank you, Kara, for showing patience to me and for being willing to give me much-needed reality checks.
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