I think that's party of why I tried to do so well in school, for my mom to be happy. I knew she would be perfectly fine if I made a few C's, she wouldn't get mad or yell, she might ask if I needed a tutor, but that would be all. But I think I felt that I would make her happier if I made good grades.
Last year, in college, I discovered that I couldn't make all A's in school and still have a lot of fun, though I could still do quite well. I think I partially turned to running, being healthy, and having a beautiful body because I couldn't be perfect with my grades. She calls me beautiful if I come out in a nice bathing suit or slightly sexy outfit, so it fit the mold pretty well to make her smile. I don't know... this is all speculation, I am just trying to figure out what is going on in the world around me and what is happening inside my mind and thoughts.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Co-dependent+Addict
Dawn and I have discussed recently that I do not like to be assertive, like when I am with kids at the day camp. Instead of telling them authoritatively to do something, I would say, "would you please put away your legos?" or "Tim, why don't you stop throwing sticks?"
Mary and I went together to Dawn today and discussed my mom telling Mary that Mary wasn't fat and then pointing to my stomach and saying that I even have "a little chunk." She asked why we don't ask her to stop, or why we don't tell her we are too overwhelmed to hear about what she thinks about the divorce. I have said that I feel like I don't have the words or that I will say it rudely or be mean about it, I am afraid I will say it the wrong way. Dawn asked what would happen if I did say it the wrong way and I said I was afraid she would cry, that I would sound rude, that I would upset my mom. I told her that my mom often apologizes for being "a bad mom," for not disciplining us, or something or other. Then she tries to make herself feel better by saying how she let us be independent, sent us to camp, let us travel, made sure we did well in school.
Dawn said that it sounded like my mom needed other people to give her her value, that she was "co-dependent." She said that her self worth/image is most likely very fragile and dependent on other people. I cannot feel guilty for making my mother cry/upset because I tell her that I cannot hear her talk about the divorce or her past or my dad's past or her thoughts on her marriage or parenting. I cried when Dawn told me this. I felt like I was in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon, "it's not your fault" over and over again.
Dawn says that eating disorders, sexual addictions, and same sex attraction usually spring from the same well, the well being emotional wounds. She said that my dad fits very well into the sexual addict in his struggle with same sex attraction. She said that it is very common for codependents and addicts to marry each other. They work well together.
My mom likes to focus on others instead of focusing on herself. She likes to take care of others instead of taking care of herself. She usually finds one or two people a year that she kind of takes under her wing and helps. She even calls them her "projects." My dad said she thought she could fix him and that she kind of thought of him as one of her "projects." Dawn says that that is probably why she stayed so long, because it felt like there was a pay off. She was helping him, she was getting something out of staying.
Other people like to talk about how noble their parents were because they went eight years without buying new clothes for themselves, only buying new clothes for their children. I feel like you could attribute that nobleness to my mom, or you could look at it and say that we weren't hard pressed for money with my dad's Channel 6 job and that she just doesn't ever do anything for herself and will do everything for someone else.
I suppose I will have to tell her to stop talking about certain things with me or in front of me, to stop confiding in me and to find friends or a counselor to talk things through with.
I think Mary felt pretty comfortable with Dawn, atleast comfortable enough to start crying while we talked about things. I hope Mary goes back to Dawn even when I am at school. I will continue meeting with Dawn while at school, but over the phone and every other week.
Mary and I went together to Dawn today and discussed my mom telling Mary that Mary wasn't fat and then pointing to my stomach and saying that I even have "a little chunk." She asked why we don't ask her to stop, or why we don't tell her we are too overwhelmed to hear about what she thinks about the divorce. I have said that I feel like I don't have the words or that I will say it rudely or be mean about it, I am afraid I will say it the wrong way. Dawn asked what would happen if I did say it the wrong way and I said I was afraid she would cry, that I would sound rude, that I would upset my mom. I told her that my mom often apologizes for being "a bad mom," for not disciplining us, or something or other. Then she tries to make herself feel better by saying how she let us be independent, sent us to camp, let us travel, made sure we did well in school.
Dawn said that it sounded like my mom needed other people to give her her value, that she was "co-dependent." She said that her self worth/image is most likely very fragile and dependent on other people. I cannot feel guilty for making my mother cry/upset because I tell her that I cannot hear her talk about the divorce or her past or my dad's past or her thoughts on her marriage or parenting. I cried when Dawn told me this. I felt like I was in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon, "it's not your fault" over and over again.
Dawn says that eating disorders, sexual addictions, and same sex attraction usually spring from the same well, the well being emotional wounds. She said that my dad fits very well into the sexual addict in his struggle with same sex attraction. She said that it is very common for codependents and addicts to marry each other. They work well together.
My mom likes to focus on others instead of focusing on herself. She likes to take care of others instead of taking care of herself. She usually finds one or two people a year that she kind of takes under her wing and helps. She even calls them her "projects." My dad said she thought she could fix him and that she kind of thought of him as one of her "projects." Dawn says that that is probably why she stayed so long, because it felt like there was a pay off. She was helping him, she was getting something out of staying.
Other people like to talk about how noble their parents were because they went eight years without buying new clothes for themselves, only buying new clothes for their children. I feel like you could attribute that nobleness to my mom, or you could look at it and say that we weren't hard pressed for money with my dad's Channel 6 job and that she just doesn't ever do anything for herself and will do everything for someone else.
I suppose I will have to tell her to stop talking about certain things with me or in front of me, to stop confiding in me and to find friends or a counselor to talk things through with.
I think Mary felt pretty comfortable with Dawn, atleast comfortable enough to start crying while we talked about things. I hope Mary goes back to Dawn even when I am at school. I will continue meeting with Dawn while at school, but over the phone and every other week.
Timing of Rents + Boys
did you know that we went to see 3:10 to Yuma October 10 and became official November 15? I guess a lil over a month of seeing each other practically every day (and being acquaintances before October 10) is more than enough time to make a decision, haha. I was just trying to figure out when we started hanging out and when my parents told me they were separating. I found out they were separating October 4. However, I was still in denial until about halfway through second semester that the separation affected me at all.
Lovable.
I was angry at first at my dad for cheating my mom out of a real romance, for not telling her until they were married for about 6 or 7 years and his boyfriend broke up with him and he was completely distraught.
Now I am finding myself getting angry at my mom because she is talking about possibly getting back with my dad, but not because she is in love with him or anything. Just because it is easier. Easier than being alone. Easier financially. Easier because she thinks it will take away her guilt for asking for a divorce.
I think that the truth is she doesn't think there will be anyone out there that will love her/love her better. She doesn't know if she deserves something better or will ever be able to find anything better. She doesn't think that a love, a selfless love, a joyful love, a love that is focused on her and God and without adultery exists. She doesn't think she is desirable, lovable.
I wonder if I inferred some of her feelings of being unlovable and transferred them to myself and men and God (refer back to various posts when Alex and I first started dating, first semester).
Now I am finding myself getting angry at my mom because she is talking about possibly getting back with my dad, but not because she is in love with him or anything. Just because it is easier. Easier than being alone. Easier financially. Easier because she thinks it will take away her guilt for asking for a divorce.
I think that the truth is she doesn't think there will be anyone out there that will love her/love her better. She doesn't know if she deserves something better or will ever be able to find anything better. She doesn't think that a love, a selfless love, a joyful love, a love that is focused on her and God and without adultery exists. She doesn't think she is desirable, lovable.
I wonder if I inferred some of her feelings of being unlovable and transferred them to myself and men and God (refer back to various posts when Alex and I first started dating, first semester).
Message to a Boy
Dearest Alex,
I am getting nervous about the upcoming semester. There has been so much going on this summer that I don't know how I will be when I get back into the grind of school. I think it will either be really good for me or it will just compound things even more and make it all come tumbling down.
Gah, being without you for 3 months has been really difficult. I am not talking physically -I mean, yes, of course being so far away from your touch was hard, but it was just hard not being able to smile at you every day or watch the way you walk as we leave the cafeteria (you usually leave with Elgin or someone and I stop by the admin building and simply enjoy watching the way your hips move in such a masculine swagger.
I want to be close to you emotionally, with my heart. I feel like I lost so much of that this summer. With our hormones, we lost nothing physically =P, but I feel like we have so much to catch up on. Just catching up on lost quality time spent together. Evenings in the SC, seeing each other between classes at CPO. Do you know what i mean?
Maybe I feel this way just because of the "War" that I have been through this summer. Maybe you don't feel a loss over anything at all. I just wanted you to know. I so badly just want to steal those few minutes together. It's the small things around campus that I want; eating in the cafeteria and hanging out till an hour after it closes, meeting in the caf lobby before getting in the car for church, sitting on the benches on the green after dark, studying/sitting in the library together.
Love,
Amy
P.S.
When I get married, I want to make love with the light on, not off. I just watched a scene in In Her Shoes where the couple starts making out and the girl turns the light off, but the guy turns it on again, then the girl turns it off for a second time, but the guy turns in on, demanding that he be able to see her because he believes that she is beautiful and he wants her to know that.
I am getting nervous about the upcoming semester. There has been so much going on this summer that I don't know how I will be when I get back into the grind of school. I think it will either be really good for me or it will just compound things even more and make it all come tumbling down.
Gah, being without you for 3 months has been really difficult. I am not talking physically -I mean, yes, of course being so far away from your touch was hard, but it was just hard not being able to smile at you every day or watch the way you walk as we leave the cafeteria (you usually leave with Elgin or someone and I stop by the admin building and simply enjoy watching the way your hips move in such a masculine swagger.
I want to be close to you emotionally, with my heart. I feel like I lost so much of that this summer. With our hormones, we lost nothing physically =P, but I feel like we have so much to catch up on. Just catching up on lost quality time spent together. Evenings in the SC, seeing each other between classes at CPO. Do you know what i mean?
Maybe I feel this way just because of the "War" that I have been through this summer. Maybe you don't feel a loss over anything at all. I just wanted you to know. I so badly just want to steal those few minutes together. It's the small things around campus that I want; eating in the cafeteria and hanging out till an hour after it closes, meeting in the caf lobby before getting in the car for church, sitting on the benches on the green after dark, studying/sitting in the library together.
Love,
Amy
P.S.
When I get married, I want to make love with the light on, not off. I just watched a scene in In Her Shoes where the couple starts making out and the girl turns the light off, but the guy turns it on again, then the girl turns it off for a second time, but the guy turns in on, demanding that he be able to see her because he believes that she is beautiful and he wants her to know that.
Monday, August 18, 2008
Mom and Dad
I don't know what I hate more, that my mom keeps talking about my dad or that she said last night that she seriously might get back with him.
My mom constantly talks about my dad, how she feels sorry for him being alone, how she wonders if she did the right thing to file for divorce after 30 years of marriage, how he is going to counseling again and doesn't want to be gay. She asks if buying too many cars in a year and buying computers like they were candy is a reason to end a marriage.
She spent all day in bed with him yesterday and then says (like she has before) that he is a really nice guy and keeps citing the fact that it is so much easier to live financially with dad than without him.
My mom constantly talks about my dad, how she feels sorry for him being alone, how she wonders if she did the right thing to file for divorce after 30 years of marriage, how he is going to counseling again and doesn't want to be gay. She asks if buying too many cars in a year and buying computers like they were candy is a reason to end a marriage.
She spent all day in bed with him yesterday and then says (like she has before) that he is a really nice guy and keeps citing the fact that it is so much easier to live financially with dad than without him.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Dad's ok.
Dad got in a motorcycle accident yesterday. It was raining and he was on highway 50, his bike started to spin and threw him off. He went spinning through the air, but luckily he was wearing all his really good gear and miraculously didn't get any road burn, only a few cuts. He had internal bleeding in his brain last night and so stayed in the hospital, but he should be able to come home today. He can't stand on his own for longer than a few seconds and the doctor said he will be terribly sore and have a head ache for about two weeks.
When he had his accident, there was a doctor right behind him in a car who saw the whole thing and called for dad to be airlifted to the hospital. The doctor said that dad was unconscious until he got to the hospital and was still really unresponsive when he woke up.
He will stay a couple days with us at my mom's when he gets out.
When he had his accident, there was a doctor right behind him in a car who saw the whole thing and called for dad to be airlifted to the hospital. The doctor said that dad was unconscious until he got to the hospital and was still really unresponsive when he woke up.
He will stay a couple days with us at my mom's when he gets out.
Wednesday, August 13, 2008
Rickety Coaster
This summer has pretty much been the hardest summer I've ever been through, possibly the most roller coaster season of my life.
I learned yesterday that my father was sexually abused by his grandfather.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even workout, let alone run, because now my knee is even worse and I am going to begin physical therapy the last week of August. It's been 3 days without any cardio and its killing me. Dawn thinks that it will be good, that I was using working out as an outlet and a way to push away issues with which I am now ready to deal.
I learned yesterday that my father was sexually abused by his grandfather.
I don't know what to do anymore. I can't even workout, let alone run, because now my knee is even worse and I am going to begin physical therapy the last week of August. It's been 3 days without any cardio and its killing me. Dawn thinks that it will be good, that I was using working out as an outlet and a way to push away issues with which I am now ready to deal.
Sunday, August 10, 2008
Five Days in Indiana
August 1st. Woke up, worked out, got a manicure and a pedicure with Mary, went to lunch, went home and packed, watched Four Weddings and a Funeral (disappointing, thought it would be better). FINALLY left for Indiana.
The entire plane ride I was like an antsy three year old, or someone on drugs. I couldn't stay still, I was so fidgety -especially after the plane landed. When I finally saw him at baggage claim, I dropped my huge rolling suitcase in the middle of the exit doors and held on to his torso for what would have been eternity if he had not made me pick up my bag so that people would stop tripping over it.
The car ride home wasn't too bad, only two hours. I sat on his lap the entire time and whispered occasionally in his ear, but for the most part, I think we were both too overwhelmed with each other's presence to say or do anything.
Saturday. Possibly the best day of my life so far. Woke up, lay in bed for a little, played with the kittens outside, walked around the yard, laughed at the kittens some more, talked just sitting in the front yard. We eventually had lunch, took showers and got ready to go out to eat at O-Charleys. Ohmygoodness, the rolls were so good at O-Charleys. After dinner, we went home and watched a movie while eating icecream.
Sunday was Ikea Day. We looked around with Sam (alex's twin), Sam's boyfriend, Tyler (alex's bro), and Ms Rita. That took up pretty much the entire day. Oh, and Alex and I made a strawberry pie and french toast together.
Monday was Alex's 20th birthday. We went kayaking 8 miles down river:), went out to dinner with Alex's family and Sam's friends, then went home and watched a comedian on DVD with his family.
Tuesday we went to the mall to find Alex a suit (and failed, haha) and hung out around the house, blew bubbles together with the bubble sword thing I had bought him during the school year. We ate the rosemary chicken and mashed potatoes that we had made together while watching some older action movie with Alex's mom, aunt, brother, and cousin.
Wednesday came too fast and we spent the day lounging about the house until it was time to leave for the airport.
The End.
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