Home Is Where The Heart Is.

Heading home tomorrow.

Wake up, swim, lift weights, shower, finish packing last minute items, eat lunch, then Hit the Road!

Alex and I will drive home to his mom's and spend the night there, I'm sure we will do something fun, since it is his mom's birthday. The next morning, Alex will go to practice and I will go to the airport to fly to Florida. Mom will pick me up around 10am at OIA and I will proceed to spend the rest of the day with my lovely sister. We are going to go to the Enzian (one of my favorite places) and see Happy Go Lucky. Thursday is lunch with mom, dad, and Mary and then time with both sets of grandparents. Friday I will be interviewing people for my eating disorder presentation and hanging out with Mary some more. It will be back to Alex's on Saturday. Alex hinted the other day -more like, kinda let it slip- that he has been planning something for us on Saturday. Saturday night, we will most likely be going to the Southgate House in Cincinatti to see a show. Sunday, back to school, Thanksgiving break over.

Good Weekend

Had a wonderful weekend:
Olive Garden Friday night with Alex, then watched Bella at the Icthus grounds. Saturday I swam, wrote my paper on Eating Disorders, and proofread/edited all of my papers due in the next month, then watched Man in the Iron Mask by myself while making a blanket. Sunday, Alex picked me up for church, we did a bit of school work, and after dinner we went to see the new James Bond movie with Jacob and Marsden.

It was good:)

A Ticket Home

Oh my word, yesterday my mom called and said that my sister really needed to see me over thanksgiving break, but I had been planning on going to Alex's for the holiday because it would be cheaper. I was so excited to spend a week with Alex and not have any school work. Alex and I were gonna go to the aquarium, the art museum, make chocolate covered popcorn, and watch lots of movies, in addition to enjoying thanksgiving with his family.

I told my mom it was a lot of money and that it was stressful for me to try and figure out how to get a cheap flight without missing classes. I said I would pray about it (and I did, briefly), since flights are not cheap two weeks before thanksgiving.

Well, I was swimming this morning and knew that I had to buy the ticket, no matter the costs. I had to let my sister know that I love her and that she is more important to me than Alex. She feels that mom values Ernie more than her and she feels unloved by Dad, I am not going to let her down too.

Well, after swimming I bought the ticket when I got back to my room. It was petty pricey and I had no clue how i was gonna pay for it (I put it on my card). Mom said she would pay for it, but her hours have been cut back from 36 a week to 24 a week lately and I don't think she can really afford a plane ticket home at the holidays at so late notice.

When I got out of class today, I got a notice from financial aid to come immediately and sign some papers.

I went over and they had a refund check for me that was exactly one dollar less than the amount I paid for the ticket earlier today.

God is good.

Fall and Winter

I don't know if it's being on the pill or if it's just me. I don't get butterflies when I see him anymore. I don't find conversation pouring forth as easily as it used to. I don't find conversation easy to keep up with anyone though. I don't feel like I smile much in general. My brain/thought process feels dead. I am considering breaking up with him. I love him, but I don't know. I don't want to stay in a dead end relationship with a guy that doesn't make my heart beat faster when I see him (my heart used to do that). I don't know. Maybe it's normal for that not to continue. Maybe this is just a rut. Maybe this is just me reacting to my dad's sexual struggle, my parents' divorce, and my dad's boyfriend and my mom's boyfriend and starting the pill a month ago.

Raising Helen

Watching Raising Helen makes me want a metal bat. I always thought I would get one as a joke for a birthday from my mom (she keeps one under her bed).

Santa!

I went to the mall Friday night with about seven girls from my hall. We went to see Santa, haha. It was so fun. We got our picture taken and everything. Yay for First Glide silliness.

Saturday I wrote a paper, read text books, and watched The Break Up with Alex in the lobby of my dorm. That movie seriously reminded me so much of the mis-communications that Alex and I have.


Oh, and, even if Elgin bought me a crock pot for Christmas, I would not feel anymore content or closer to being happy. If I had my own apartment that was beautifully furnished and my own fully stocked kitchen, I have to face the fact that I would not be any closer to feeling satisfied. I am just as discontent and unfulfilled here, in a dorm, in a 10X14 double room with small windows and even smaller closerts, as I will be anywhere else. God is what makes the difference. He is the one who brings joy and release and contentment.

A Lot of Sex

I would like to read these books sometimes. One is by a conservative christian couple about having sex every night for an entire year and the other is by a fairly liberal, secular couple, both couples are mid-life.

Just Do It: How One Couple Turned Off the TV and Turned On Their Sex Lives for 101 Days (No Excuses!) by Doug Brown
and
365 Nights: A Memoir of Intimacy by Charla Muller with Betsy Thorpe.

Life and Love and Why

When I saw a couple this summer who had tattooed their wedding "rings" on their fingers, my first thought was, "that's stupid, what if you want/need to take your ring off when you divorce?"

Was that a horrible thought? Did I doom specifically their marriage in my mind, or was I thinking in more general terms and talking of all marriages? I guess that thought reveals my secret feelings about marriage. I say with my mouth that marriage is forever and I want to believe it, but my heart betrays me.

Is being in love something that happens in the beginning of a marriage and then, a few years later, you are simply living with someone you love, but are not in love with? Maybe you are not only not in love with them any longer, but also do not even love them anymore. What happens? Is it possible to "fall back in love"? Is there a difference between romantic love and being in love?

Why does everyone keep hinting at Alex and I and whether we were "meant to be?". Well, Ethan asking us that question the other night at dinner about when were planning on getting married (I impulsively blurted out "never" and alex said "maybe sometime, idk") and then Dorothy said "Maybe you were brought to Asbury to find Alex" today after I told her about how it was a total God thing that brought me to Asbury.

Mentor

I am considering mentoring a youth. My church is partnering with a ministry that mentors kids who have a parent in jail. I have been looking for opportunities to work with kids or mentor someone, but all of the previous opportunities just never quite got my attention.

My back hurts

Just so all you single people know, it is possible to have a boyfriend and still feel lonely. A significan other is not a cure for loneliness.



I am on the verge of tears almost every day recently. I am blaming it on the fact that I am now three weeks into starting the pill. No matter the cause, the emotions of hopelessness, anger, and frustration that I am feeling right now are still real. School seems overwhelming. I feel like I should break up with Alex because I just can't see the point in marriage to anyone at this moment. Who in their right minds would saddle themselves with another sinful, faulted human being for the rest of their life?

Lately

Every once in a while, it hits me again that my parents are divorced. I just realize it in a new way every once in a while.

When Thrasher and Sarah were talking about their plans of getting married in summer of 2010, and Sara and Andrew's possible plans for 2009, they asked Alex and I when were planning on marrying. I blurted out, "never" and alex said "maybe sometime, idk." We both think the couples mentioned above are crazy and foolish. They don't have lives apart from each other; that's a dangerous situation.

I have been so tired lately. I wish I could sleep all day. The stress of school is really getting to me (and my relationship with Alex). The fact that I am only three weeks into the pill does not help either. Lately, I don't feel fully happy or content no matter who I am with. Today Alex took me to Panera though =). Alex hates Panera, but he knows I really like it. It was hard for me to feel grateful about his taking me to Panera for some reason; I felt bad that I wasn't more thankful.