Luke Warm vs Radical

So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. -Revelation 3:16

I have been feeling pretty confused lately about my spiritual fervor. I feel that I am living a luke warm life, not a radically sold out life for Christ. If I truly believed God's promises and trusted him wholeheartedly, it seems like I would not worry or freak out, I would not become upset at foolish things like low grades or financial woes. Also, if I truly found my entire identity in Christ, instead of looking for it in my physical image and in men and in how others perceive me, maybe I would not feel so desperate for a husband or be struggling with this eating/exercise disorder. I feel like my lack of true, unfettered belief in Christ is holding me back.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that God exists and made the world and everything in it, that He is sovereign, that the Bible is the Truth, and that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and Man and came to redeem me by sacrificing himself on the cross in order to pay my debt that I owe because of my sin. However, I feel like if I truly believed with every fiber of my being, I would be more different.

Lately, the idea that Christians are defined by what they do not do, more than by what they do, has been at the forefront of my mind. I do not want people to describe me as "The girl who doesn't party, doesn't drink, and doesn't have sex." I want to be known as a girl who is selfless, compassionate, ready to love anyone at anytime. I want to be known for being Jesus; not being swayed by power and money, but living my life to spread the Good News and to love His children. I don't know what being known by what I do, rather than what I do not do really looks like. I mean, I can volunteer every night of the week if I want to, but I don't know if that is really what "being known by what I do" is all about.

If I do it by force, because I know should, rather than out of a sincere desire to love others, it won't mean anything. Lord, I want more of Your love to pour into me and out of me so that I might love others as You love them, that You would show Your love for them through me. I do not want my sins to become a distraction to others and reason to discredit You. What I don't do is important (I mean, I don't feel like making out with a guy is exactly a good way to represent Jesus), but what I do is even more important.

Jesus, overcome my unbelief and teach me how to live as You lived on this Earth, through whatever situations and circumstances to which You call me. I am trying to lay down my crown at Your feet; give my desire for marriage and a family, for a respectable and successful career to You, to do with as You will. I want to be content if Your will does not include my aforementioned dreams. I want Your will to become my will. Whether Your will includes such dreams or not, I want to be content in doing Your will, not mine.

Father, if I give up physically intimacy and fun, flirty/dirty texts and conversations with guys, I am scared I will feel more lonely than I ever have before. I know in my head that You will fill me and I will be more content after having given up such lustful activities, but it is still scary to let go of them. I wish my heart knew what my head knows.