Sara is right, I need to stop thinking about dating only in terms of marriage. I mean, yeah, the point of dating should ultimately be to find one's future spouse, but that does not mean that just because I am not dead certain that I could marry a guy that I should not get into a relationship with him.
I am just kind of bothered by the fact that, unless I am in a public place and a guy is touching me (short kiss on the forehead, stroking my arm) or I am touched in a way/place that is new, it's pretty hard for me to really get into being physical. I wish I did, Alex seems to have enjoy kissing so much. I think I might enjoy it more if I could really be loose, but I can't because I need to keep my cool so that I can stay a virgin 'till marriage -that desire to stay pure holds me back, which is good, but I feel like it gets in my way of enjoying what I can because I try to stay in control.
Sunday, January 27, 2008
Friday, January 25, 2008
Misunderstanding
We had our first misunderstanding/almost fight thing tonight. I said something slightly stupid at dinner tonight and he pretended to be mad, turned away from me in my seat and ignored me when I put my arms around him to try to get him to turn back towards me. I had said to our friend Ben "if I liked you romantically, your kind of personality is a personality that I could marry"... I am just really awkward. I have horrible social skills. I dont think before I say things.
Well, anyway, he got up from the table and came back, but when he came back, he sat across from me, pretty far away, next to Ben. He wouldn't look at me. I texted him that I was sorry from across the table. He said he wasnt mad in his text, but then he just left the table completely when I said "did you want to study tonight in the SC till 9pm?", cus that is what we had planned to do earlier. After a minute or so I left too because I realized he wasn't coming back.
He had said he was kidding, and I kind of knew he was, but he was carrying it on way too long, he wouldn't give it up, I felt horrible. I just wanted him to stop it and look at me and talk to me, so I went to the SC after I picked up my books form my room and found him. I had text him a pictre of me with a sad face, but when I asked him in the SC if he had gotten it, he said no and thathe wouldn't look at it on my phone, he would wait for it to come on his phone. I still felt horrible.
I forget how, but eventually I finally said something about me being really sorry and started to cry and he was like "I was kidding, I thought you knew that, I thought it was funny, I'm sorry." Sso I cried some more, but by the time we finally started talking and I felt a lil better, he had to go becausehe had promised his friends he would go the movie and it was time to leave for the movie (when we started dating, we made a deal that we would make sure to hang out with other people one night during the weekend, friday or saturday).
I just talked to him, he just got out of the movie. I told him I got really upset tonight because I didn't realize that I liked him so much until tonight when he reacted that way. I mentioned me crying because I was so upset and he said that he agreed that he didn't know he liked me so much either and that he couldn't look at me when I was crying against his chest because it would have made him cry too.
Well, anyway, he got up from the table and came back, but when he came back, he sat across from me, pretty far away, next to Ben. He wouldn't look at me. I texted him that I was sorry from across the table. He said he wasnt mad in his text, but then he just left the table completely when I said "did you want to study tonight in the SC till 9pm?", cus that is what we had planned to do earlier. After a minute or so I left too because I realized he wasn't coming back.
He had said he was kidding, and I kind of knew he was, but he was carrying it on way too long, he wouldn't give it up, I felt horrible. I just wanted him to stop it and look at me and talk to me, so I went to the SC after I picked up my books form my room and found him. I had text him a pictre of me with a sad face, but when I asked him in the SC if he had gotten it, he said no and thathe wouldn't look at it on my phone, he would wait for it to come on his phone. I still felt horrible.
I forget how, but eventually I finally said something about me being really sorry and started to cry and he was like "I was kidding, I thought you knew that, I thought it was funny, I'm sorry." Sso I cried some more, but by the time we finally started talking and I felt a lil better, he had to go becausehe had promised his friends he would go the movie and it was time to leave for the movie (when we started dating, we made a deal that we would make sure to hang out with other people one night during the weekend, friday or saturday).
I just talked to him, he just got out of the movie. I told him I got really upset tonight because I didn't realize that I liked him so much until tonight when he reacted that way. I mentioned me crying because I was so upset and he said that he agreed that he didn't know he liked me so much either and that he couldn't look at me when I was crying against his chest because it would have made him cry too.
Wednesday, January 23, 2008
Make Me Weak
Every time I am near him, I want to jump up, wrap my legs around his waist, and kiss him. Tomorrow we will have been dating 10 weeks... I am either way infatuated or... I don't know. I tend to be a pretty physical person in the sense that I just like to be near and to touch people (whether they are just a friend or I actually like them in a romantic sense).
I am scared of getting my heart broken...
I am scared of getting my heart broken...
Monday, January 21, 2008
Weekend @ Alex's House
Alex and I drove up to his mom's house Saturday night after I cheered at a basketball game. We went to Alex's friend's house (Dustin's) and ate fish and played pool. We got to Alex's mom's house around 10:30pm, set up our beds (him on the couch, me on the air mattress next to the couch), watched a movie, made out for a bit, then slept. I woke up around 7:30am and climbed up on the couch with him -I love falling asleep in someone's arms, it is the best feeling.
We went to church with his grandparents and mom (his mom made us sweet rolls and coffee for breakfast). After church, we went out to lunch and then ran some errands (blockbuster, visited his dad and brother, Kroger). Before dinner with his mom, g-ma, sis and sis' bf, and aunt, we went bowling with Dustin and company. Bowling was actually pretty fun. I didn't bowl, but I watched everyone else and talked to them.
That night we watched Pan's Labyrinth and didn't kiss at all during it (we didn't watch the Casino Royale at all the night before, haha). Afterwards, when we were kissing, I noticed that he got an erection... Apparently he said that that happens every time we kiss, but I just never noticed 'cus we are both usually in jeans instead of PJs. I asked him about it (that's how I found out it happens every time) and he asked me if I was ok with it. I was so happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell him that it made me worry for him, that if he got that into just kissing, how would he last until marriage with physical affection? He is so sweet. I can't stop thinking about him. I am sad to have to fall asleep alone tonight and then wake up without his arms around me in the morning.
We went to church with his grandparents and mom (his mom made us sweet rolls and coffee for breakfast). After church, we went out to lunch and then ran some errands (blockbuster, visited his dad and brother, Kroger). Before dinner with his mom, g-ma, sis and sis' bf, and aunt, we went bowling with Dustin and company. Bowling was actually pretty fun. I didn't bowl, but I watched everyone else and talked to them.
That night we watched Pan's Labyrinth and didn't kiss at all during it (we didn't watch the Casino Royale at all the night before, haha). Afterwards, when we were kissing, I noticed that he got an erection... Apparently he said that that happens every time we kiss, but I just never noticed 'cus we are both usually in jeans instead of PJs. I asked him about it (that's how I found out it happens every time) and he asked me if I was ok with it. I was so happy that I felt comfortable enough to tell him that it made me worry for him, that if he got that into just kissing, how would he last until marriage with physical affection? He is so sweet. I can't stop thinking about him. I am sad to have to fall asleep alone tonight and then wake up without his arms around me in the morning.
Thursday, January 3, 2008
Pics from Xmas Camp
Jess+me
Me+Justin
Me+Alex
Alex+Kailey in our cabin
Senny+me at new year's eve masquerade that I forgot to bring a dress for
First Semester Inventory
So a lot has happened over this past semester. I realized that my mom has instilled the value of physical appearance in me like crazy, that not everyone thinks the motto "if you look good, you feel good." I learned that I really need to exercise self control when it comes to physical attraction (don't worry, I'm still a virgin and plan to be that way until my wedding night). I'm trying to find my identity in Christ and instead of having it shift from the being the smart/good girl to being the city girl.
I've learned that I have the most difficult time believing that I am lovable, that I am worthy of others caring about me that I am valuable enough for them to spend their time on me, that sacrificing something for me is worth it. What I just said applies to Christ's crucifixion, applies to my friendships, and applies to romantic relationships. When Alex first showed interest in me, it drove me crazy because I couldn't figure out anything I had done to "earn" his interest -I hadn't baked him a cake, I hadn't given him rides into town, I hadn't even hugged him.
One night, I got so upset that I feel so unworthy, I ran as far as fast as I could outside (it had to be in the low 40's, at the highest). I sprinted almost 2 miles, crying half the time because Christ's love and sacrifice is so beyond my understanding. I actually ended up running past Alex as he was walking to his dorm, so we walked around the semi-circle 2 or 3 times just talking about it. I was kinda scared he'd be like, "wow, I can't date you, you're clearly insane." But he didn't, he just did what he could, he listened.
Coming back home has been nice with my sister around, but my mom stresses me out like mad. Apparently she is still toying with the idea of Phil and talks to him on the phone every night for at least an hour. Oh, and she told me the other day, "you know, I believe divorce is morally wrong, divorce goes against all of my values, but when my only other option is suicide, I don't think I have a choice." I didn't tell my dad she said that, it would hurt him too much. Apparently she was date-raped by a guy she dated in college too, I never knew that before a month or so ago either. I don't even know what to do with all of that, how to file it in my brain, how to keep it from coming up as thought vomit and making feel sick. I hate it when I make her cry, or just when she cries in general, but it is so easy to do. Before I left for Christmas Camp, I sat her down and asked her point blank to stop saying, "well, you're in love, that's what you're supposed to feel like" or "of course honey, you're in love, that's how it is" or just the phrase "you're in love" in general. She has stopped saying it, but I have only been around her for 3-4 since I asked her. Mary said that mom said that I got mad at her saying that stuff... yeah, of course I would get irked, he's only my first-ever boyfriend, I've only known him one semester, I can't even begin to fathom what "love" means or what a healthy long-term romantic relationship (let alone marriage) should look like.
My dad is being really sweet and he completely wants to get back with my mom. He's doing fairly well in his 550 square-foot apartment in Baldwin Park and he hasn't starved yet. We went to Chinese (I had to tofu vegetable lo mien) the other night and then watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it was so fun. We also walked down to Barnie's and got some iced coffees one afternoon. Alex keeps saying he wants to meet my dad; I hope they get along.
Alex invited me to go with his mom, aunt, and sister to see him at the swimming nationals in Texas. His aunt works for Delta and thinks she could get me a free ticket to Texas. That would be so neat; I'd love to see him swim, but I'd also love to get to know his family better. Only problem is that I am sure the cheerleaders will have to present at the big basketball tournament that same weekend. At the same time though, to do go to Texas with his family implies a really serious relationship to me. I don't know if I can honestly say I am ready for that. I know we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but to fly half way across the country for a swim meet feels way serious, more serious than I am able to commit to at this point.
I didn't talk to Alex for 4 days in a row while at Christmas Camp with Northland's high school youth group. They let me go as a senior, since that is what I would have normally been. It was nice to see everyone, though at times their conversations didn't apply to me much anymore. I learned that there are modern-day monasteries in the U.S., even in cities like Tampa and Orlando. Zach Young taught a class on ancient prayers and talked about how the monks pray 5-7 times a day for the world, for their communities, for anything and everything. Prashan talked about his prayer life; he is such an encouragement to my faith. Overall, it was a good time for fellowship, for my walk with God, and just to joke around, but I don't know if I will go next year as work crew. I think my time at Northland is over and I know that I am ready to be part of a different community now.
Anywho, I will try to keep you updated this upcoming semester, but I have less time to do update frequently in college.
I've learned that I have the most difficult time believing that I am lovable, that I am worthy of others caring about me that I am valuable enough for them to spend their time on me, that sacrificing something for me is worth it. What I just said applies to Christ's crucifixion, applies to my friendships, and applies to romantic relationships. When Alex first showed interest in me, it drove me crazy because I couldn't figure out anything I had done to "earn" his interest -I hadn't baked him a cake, I hadn't given him rides into town, I hadn't even hugged him.
One night, I got so upset that I feel so unworthy, I ran as far as fast as I could outside (it had to be in the low 40's, at the highest). I sprinted almost 2 miles, crying half the time because Christ's love and sacrifice is so beyond my understanding. I actually ended up running past Alex as he was walking to his dorm, so we walked around the semi-circle 2 or 3 times just talking about it. I was kinda scared he'd be like, "wow, I can't date you, you're clearly insane." But he didn't, he just did what he could, he listened.
Coming back home has been nice with my sister around, but my mom stresses me out like mad. Apparently she is still toying with the idea of Phil and talks to him on the phone every night for at least an hour. Oh, and she told me the other day, "you know, I believe divorce is morally wrong, divorce goes against all of my values, but when my only other option is suicide, I don't think I have a choice." I didn't tell my dad she said that, it would hurt him too much. Apparently she was date-raped by a guy she dated in college too, I never knew that before a month or so ago either. I don't even know what to do with all of that, how to file it in my brain, how to keep it from coming up as thought vomit and making feel sick. I hate it when I make her cry, or just when she cries in general, but it is so easy to do. Before I left for Christmas Camp, I sat her down and asked her point blank to stop saying, "well, you're in love, that's what you're supposed to feel like" or "of course honey, you're in love, that's how it is" or just the phrase "you're in love" in general. She has stopped saying it, but I have only been around her for 3-4 since I asked her. Mary said that mom said that I got mad at her saying that stuff... yeah, of course I would get irked, he's only my first-ever boyfriend, I've only known him one semester, I can't even begin to fathom what "love" means or what a healthy long-term romantic relationship (let alone marriage) should look like.
My dad is being really sweet and he completely wants to get back with my mom. He's doing fairly well in his 550 square-foot apartment in Baldwin Park and he hasn't starved yet. We went to Chinese (I had to tofu vegetable lo mien) the other night and then watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it was so fun. We also walked down to Barnie's and got some iced coffees one afternoon. Alex keeps saying he wants to meet my dad; I hope they get along.
Alex invited me to go with his mom, aunt, and sister to see him at the swimming nationals in Texas. His aunt works for Delta and thinks she could get me a free ticket to Texas. That would be so neat; I'd love to see him swim, but I'd also love to get to know his family better. Only problem is that I am sure the cheerleaders will have to present at the big basketball tournament that same weekend. At the same time though, to do go to Texas with his family implies a really serious relationship to me. I don't know if I can honestly say I am ready for that. I know we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but to fly half way across the country for a swim meet feels way serious, more serious than I am able to commit to at this point.
I didn't talk to Alex for 4 days in a row while at Christmas Camp with Northland's high school youth group. They let me go as a senior, since that is what I would have normally been. It was nice to see everyone, though at times their conversations didn't apply to me much anymore. I learned that there are modern-day monasteries in the U.S., even in cities like Tampa and Orlando. Zach Young taught a class on ancient prayers and talked about how the monks pray 5-7 times a day for the world, for their communities, for anything and everything. Prashan talked about his prayer life; he is such an encouragement to my faith. Overall, it was a good time for fellowship, for my walk with God, and just to joke around, but I don't know if I will go next year as work crew. I think my time at Northland is over and I know that I am ready to be part of a different community now.
Anywho, I will try to keep you updated this upcoming semester, but I have less time to do update frequently in college.
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