Florida Life

Hunger is something that is not easily recognized for me anymore. When I want to eat food, I am unsure if it is because my body actually needs nutrients, or if I just want to eat because I am bored and the munchies have attacked me. I have a difficult time knowing what exactly a normal amount of food is and how much I should eat before I am overeating. Of course, I am afraid of becoming a skeleton and so do not want eat too little. Gaining weight is also a very scary thing to me and is not really an option I want to live with.

Dawn wants me to go to a nutritionist. She says that I may be feeling fatigued because I am either not getting enough calories or am not getting the right calories. There is a nutritionist that used to work at Remuda that Dawn recommended, but mom wants me to go see someone at Florida Hospital because it would be cheaper through insurance. The Florida Hospital lady probably has little, if any, experience with ed's. Mom wants me to go to Dawn, but Mary keeps telling me how mom tells Mary she cannot go very often because it is so expensive. I feel bad that mom wants me to go to Dawn, but is getting irritated at Mary because "counselors love to talk and will talk as long as you pay them." Mom is always complaining about money, but she can never make up her mind whether or not she can spend the money for counseling -some days counseling is a necessity, other days it is a luxury that we cannot afford. She gave in eventually to my request that I visit the nutritionist Dawn recommended. Now I feel kinda guilty because the Dawn's nutritionist is more expensive than Florida Hospital's.

I wanted to tell Alex all of this, but I can't keep letting myself return to him.

Mom is going away for a week in June with Ernie to Tennessee. They are going to visit mom's friend, Donna, and stay in bed and breakfasts. Mom implied this morning that she worries abouto Ernie's drinking. She mentioned Mary didn't like Ernie and that Dad told Mary that Ernie gets home and drinks all evening until he falls asleep. Mom then told me that Ernie was no longer drinking scotch when they went out, but wine instead. She also said that he doesn't drink too much, but in a way that made me think she was a little uneasy with how much Ernie drank.

In other news, I found a swim team to practice with this summer. It is the 14 and under group (yes, I am that slow, but I have only been practicing since April) at Oviedo's Blue Dolfins. Joe is the coach and in just two practices, I feel confident that he really wants to see me improve and will help me a lot. I have been so sore this week though!

My hammock is up in my room and I have begun reading the Twilight series every night as it sways -it sways only because I rock it with my foot against my bed.