Sometimes when I hurt, I don't know if I am hurting because of Alex or because of my dad.
Sometimes when I cry, I don't know if I am crying because of Alex or because of my dad.
I feel like I did not receive the love I deserved.
Honestly, I don't know if my dad has ever been in love or knows what that is like. I know he loves me, but I don't know if I believe that he loves me in the way most people think of a father-daughter love.
Sometimes I wonder if I am looking for a man in my life to be my husband or to be my dad.
Oh, and my mom just called me to tell me she is going to spend the night at Ernie's tonight (wtf? they almost broke up earlier this week and now this... he had told her either they slept together or he was not going to commit himself). That set me to sobbing, since I had already been in a pretty melancholy mood thinking about my dad and Alex.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Excited.
I met a guy tonight at Bible Study and he is gorgeous and has a house and a real job and he is a Christian!!!
And I wish it was Sunday night so that I could talk to him again at church!
This is the first time this has happened! I have been interested in a guy since breaking up, but not Excited!
He talked to me for 10 minutes after Bible Study. Also, during the group discussion, when I wanted to say something but got cut off, he spoke up for me and said "hey, I think Amy has something to add."
Sunday, May 24, 2009
Build It Again
How can I hate and love someone so much at the same time?
I cried about him just listening to "I've Got Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks today.
It was horrible being around Senny and Steve the entire day. They constantly reminded me of him.
I can't go back to him. He doesn't want me anyway. If I did, I know he wouldn't change and that I would not be valued or treasured the way I should be and that he would not be willing to have a relationship on the level that I want. I don't know if I can let anyone in that far again. I went with Senny to some UCF thing to play soccer with like 12 kids and then to college group at Northland tonight, and all I could think about was how I can't trust anyone that way again. I thought about how it takes so much time to build that kind of intimacy and how hard it is to build and how I don't know if I can do it again.
I cried about him just listening to "I've Got Friends in Low Places" by Garth Brooks today.
It was horrible being around Senny and Steve the entire day. They constantly reminded me of him.
I can't go back to him. He doesn't want me anyway. If I did, I know he wouldn't change and that I would not be valued or treasured the way I should be and that he would not be willing to have a relationship on the level that I want. I don't know if I can let anyone in that far again. I went with Senny to some UCF thing to play soccer with like 12 kids and then to college group at Northland tonight, and all I could think about was how I can't trust anyone that way again. I thought about how it takes so much time to build that kind of intimacy and how hard it is to build and how I don't know if I can do it again.
Saturday, May 23, 2009
That Truck Has Balls
I saw a truck today that made me laugh, though I felt kinda bad that I laughed at it.
It was a huge truck, the kind with the metal balls hanging off the hitch.
The back window had in huge letters "NO LUBE? RAM IT!"
Friday, May 22, 2009
First Dance
I went to a wedding tonight. Well, I skipped the wedding ceremony and just went for the reception -I was gonna go to swim practice, but then it got lightning-ed out.
When the bride and groom took the floor for their first dance to You Belong to Me, I had to look away. It hurt to see them so happy and love, to think that just 5 months ago I thought I would be dancing like that to Good Morning Beautiful or Come Away With Me soon.
When the bride and groom took the floor for their first dance to You Belong to Me, I had to look away. It hurt to see them so happy and love, to think that just 5 months ago I thought I would be dancing like that to Good Morning Beautiful or Come Away With Me soon.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Moon Light
Have you ever read Eating in The Light of The Moon? My counselor recommended it to me. I might take an hour or two and read it at Barnes and Noble tomorrow.
Oh, and just so ya know, I called the nutritionist today and left a voicemail for her to make an appointment.
Man, I didn't realize that summer would be this lonely. I am trying to hang out with people, but it just makes it feel worse sometimes, the loneliness. I wish there was someone to talk to down here that wasn't getting paid to listen =P. I had to stop reading Twilight because it made me miss Alex too much.
Oh, and just so ya know, I called the nutritionist today and left a voicemail for her to make an appointment.
Man, I didn't realize that summer would be this lonely. I am trying to hang out with people, but it just makes it feel worse sometimes, the loneliness. I wish there was someone to talk to down here that wasn't getting paid to listen =P. I had to stop reading Twilight because it made me miss Alex too much.
Saturday, May 16, 2009
Florida Life
Hunger is something that is not easily recognized for me anymore. When I want to eat food, I am unsure if it is because my body actually needs nutrients, or if I just want to eat because I am bored and the munchies have attacked me. I have a difficult time knowing what exactly a normal amount of food is and how much I should eat before I am overeating. Of course, I am afraid of becoming a skeleton and so do not want eat too little. Gaining weight is also a very scary thing to me and is not really an option I want to live with.
Dawn wants me to go to a nutritionist. She says that I may be feeling fatigued because I am either not getting enough calories or am not getting the right calories. There is a nutritionist that used to work at Remuda that Dawn recommended, but mom wants me to go see someone at Florida Hospital because it would be cheaper through insurance. The Florida Hospital lady probably has little, if any, experience with ed's. Mom wants me to go to Dawn, but Mary keeps telling me how mom tells Mary she cannot go very often because it is so expensive. I feel bad that mom wants me to go to Dawn, but is getting irritated at Mary because "counselors love to talk and will talk as long as you pay them." Mom is always complaining about money, but she can never make up her mind whether or not she can spend the money for counseling -some days counseling is a necessity, other days it is a luxury that we cannot afford. She gave in eventually to my request that I visit the nutritionist Dawn recommended. Now I feel kinda guilty because the Dawn's nutritionist is more expensive than Florida Hospital's.
I wanted to tell Alex all of this, but I can't keep letting myself return to him.
Mom is going away for a week in June with Ernie to Tennessee. They are going to visit mom's friend, Donna, and stay in bed and breakfasts. Mom implied this morning that she worries abouto Ernie's drinking. She mentioned Mary didn't like Ernie and that Dad told Mary that Ernie gets home and drinks all evening until he falls asleep. Mom then told me that Ernie was no longer drinking scotch when they went out, but wine instead. She also said that he doesn't drink too much, but in a way that made me think she was a little uneasy with how much Ernie drank.
In other news, I found a swim team to practice with this summer. It is the 14 and under group (yes, I am that slow, but I have only been practicing since April) at Oviedo's Blue Dolfins. Joe is the coach and in just two practices, I feel confident that he really wants to see me improve and will help me a lot. I have been so sore this week though!
My hammock is up in my room and I have begun reading the Twilight series every night as it sways -it sways only because I rock it with my foot against my bed.
Dawn wants me to go to a nutritionist. She says that I may be feeling fatigued because I am either not getting enough calories or am not getting the right calories. There is a nutritionist that used to work at Remuda that Dawn recommended, but mom wants me to go see someone at Florida Hospital because it would be cheaper through insurance. The Florida Hospital lady probably has little, if any, experience with ed's. Mom wants me to go to Dawn, but Mary keeps telling me how mom tells Mary she cannot go very often because it is so expensive. I feel bad that mom wants me to go to Dawn, but is getting irritated at Mary because "counselors love to talk and will talk as long as you pay them." Mom is always complaining about money, but she can never make up her mind whether or not she can spend the money for counseling -some days counseling is a necessity, other days it is a luxury that we cannot afford. She gave in eventually to my request that I visit the nutritionist Dawn recommended. Now I feel kinda guilty because the Dawn's nutritionist is more expensive than Florida Hospital's.
I wanted to tell Alex all of this, but I can't keep letting myself return to him.
Mom is going away for a week in June with Ernie to Tennessee. They are going to visit mom's friend, Donna, and stay in bed and breakfasts. Mom implied this morning that she worries abouto Ernie's drinking. She mentioned Mary didn't like Ernie and that Dad told Mary that Ernie gets home and drinks all evening until he falls asleep. Mom then told me that Ernie was no longer drinking scotch when they went out, but wine instead. She also said that he doesn't drink too much, but in a way that made me think she was a little uneasy with how much Ernie drank.
In other news, I found a swim team to practice with this summer. It is the 14 and under group (yes, I am that slow, but I have only been practicing since April) at Oviedo's Blue Dolfins. Joe is the coach and in just two practices, I feel confident that he really wants to see me improve and will help me a lot. I have been so sore this week though!
My hammock is up in my room and I have begun reading the Twilight series every night as it sways -it sways only because I rock it with my foot against my bed.
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
Warren Buffet Quote
“To be a successful investor, you don’t need to understand higher math or law. It’s simple, but not easy. You do have to have an emotional stability that will take you through almost anything. If you have 150 IQ, sell 30 points to someone else. You need to be smart, but not a genius. What’s most important is inner peace; you have to be able to think for yourself. It’s not a complicated game.”
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)