28 Years

I was talking to a woman at work today and she said, "If my husband passed away, I could never date. No one would ever match up to him." She had just had her 28th anniversary. I want a love/relationship like that.

Negative? I prefer hurt and angry

There's too much, I don't want it write it, but I will anyway. Oh, and I still really wish I had my own room.

My weekend was good. It was pretty lonely, but it wasn't bad. Friday night I worked on my Old Testament paper and watched a movie with John. Saturday I worked out, tried to re-memorize my song for midterm, wrote the rest of my Old Testament Paper, then went to bed (it was a very lonely, uneventful Saturday, everyone was gone). Sunday I went to church and then asked anyone to go to Walmart with me and Alex volunteered.

The whole time I was at Walmart, all I could think about was Alex kissing me, how badly I wanted to be kissing him. We hugged at one point and that made me crazy for him. I could tell that he was feeling the same way. He dropped me off and texted me about how hard it had been to not kiss me while in Walmart and on the car ride home. We started texting dirty, it wasn't good. Anyway, he was happy because he got to text dirty, but I wasn't, I wanted the real thing, the real physical him. I felt so ashamed that I had indulged him in his texting and that I had been wanting/expecting him to return the favor by actually kissing (which did not happen, btw).

Then this morning he texts me and says "I have something I want to tell you in person. It's about April." -April is this girl from his highschool who has had a crush on him since their sophomore year. She drove down 2 hours on Valetine's Day to see him. She texts him constantly. At the dinner table, Alex gets about one text every 5 minutes from her and I am not overexaggerating. In Walmart, he got at least 6 texts from her that I know of. Anyway, so I freaked out and cussed at him because it sounded like he was going to tell me he was dating her. It turns out that he just wanted to tell me that he was stressed because April asked him to be her boyfriend and he said that he still liked me and then she said she would wait because she understood how painful break ups can be.

I started talking about how I was sorry that I freaked out on him and that I have just been really angry every since finding out about my dad and how Alex wouldn't hang out with me as much as I wanted him to during fall semester and so that added to my anger and then my parents officially divorced (added to my anger) and Mom is being an idiot about dealing with Mary and Ernie and then Alex and I broke up (more and more anger and hurt and confusion and lashing out at people and snapping and arguing). I said I was sorry that I was so angry and that it was a lot of my fault that we kept arguing and fighting and that I have never been so angry before and it was a new feeling for me. I told Alex that April is probably better for him than me anyway because he has a similar socioeconomic status and background and upbringing to her (more so than I do). He told me that I was having a rough time and I got a lil mad and told him that my "rough time" was about to be "rough years" because it has been hard since my parents separated over a year ago and that I was sorry I took my frustrations out on other people who don't deserve my frustrations and that I would probably keep losing people/friends if I kept being this angry and hurting everyone. Then Alex said that he couldn't "do this" anymore and that he couldn't help someone who was so negative.

It's funny, almost everyone thinks I am a really positive person. Not Alex. He got to see the real me, the me when I'm not at my perkiest or my best, the me that is hurt, and he didn't like it. He decided he didn't want to spend time with that Amy. He wanted the lighthearted Amy back. That's the problem, he only liked the happy Amy. I don't know if anyone will ever love (except God) the other Amy enough to put up with the whole Amy.

Oh, and that midterm song that I had to sing for the studio tonight that I put in over 7 hours of work and memorizing into this week? I got to the 4th measure of the song and lost it and never found it again, I sang random Italian words and random times on random pitches in a desperate effort to find my place, of course there was the occasional long awkward pause where I tried to think of some more random Italian. I cried a lot after I got back to me seat and had to listen to everyone else sing.

The Name

I went to see He's Just Not That Into You last night and thoroughly enjoyed it. I actually found on the actors semi-attractive in it -which is good, because since breaking up with Alex, I have not found anyone else even remotely attractive, in fact, the idea of kissing anyone else or even hugging anyone but Alex for a long period of time is totally revolting. So I was excited when I thought the actor was good looking, and then it hit me -the actor's character's name was Alex.
-_-'


I hate being alone, and my heart really wants to be with Alex. I miss his arms and his smile and the twinkle in his eye. Before I fall asleep, I am usually jolted back into consciousness because I feel his touch on my skin. My head tells me that I shouldn't be with him, that he can't give me the love and time and emotional depth that I desire and need -I just wish my heart would listen. I look at my phone and am dissapointed when the text message isn't from him; but when it is from him, I get annoyed at myself for wanting it to be him. I see him in class on Tuesday and Thursdays and usually at dinner (we met at the beginning of freshman year, so we have the same friends). I tried making new friends last semester and failed miserably, so I'm not about to try again.



P.S.
I just watched Britney Spear's music video for Circus -I seriously hope I can be as sexy as that for my husband!

Messed Up

I made the lowest grade in the class on my Com 150 test today. I am supposed to have an Italian song memorized by tomorrow and performed by Monday, but I haven't even looked at it yet. I haven't practiced at all for voice, even though I am supposed to practice 3 hours a week. I haven't been able to read my book for Medieval Civilization, no matter how many hours I spend staring at the pages (the test on the book is this Friday). I have a Tech for Ed abstract due soon and can't seem to find an article I am satisfied with or want to read. I am unable to convince myself to study for my Old Testament test, but I really don't wanna fail this one.

What is happening to me? I am not being myself. I am usually on top of everything. I usually make the highest test grade, have everything done a week in advance.

I have no desire to sing, to study, to cook or bake and the only reason I am still working out is because I am scared that I will get fat if I stop.

My Own Room!

Having a roommate is just annoying. She moans when she gets up in the morning and doesn't like the ceiling light on, I hate that. She ALWAYS asks me what the weather will be like and what time it is -she could look it up herself, it is not that hard. She puts the heat on too high. And then it is really irritating to have to deal with someone else when I am super angry or really upset, there is no other room I can go to, everywhere there are people. And people are loud. And going out into the hallway when I want to have a "private" conversation is annoying too. And I want my couch when I want to nap. I am never included when she goes out with her friends, even when I asked directly because I really wanted to make friends. The only times we hang out is when we go to the mall or walmart together (I think just because she needs a ride). And she has NEVER undressed in our room when I was there. She STILL (after 1.5 years) prefers to change in the bathroom. I, however, am very comfortable, and walk around in pretty much nothing, a lot. She probably doesn't appreciate it, but it's kind of annoying that she is so uncomfortable with the human body.

Anyway, I would like my own room... and a nice kitchen.

Time Commitment

I can't believe that I didn't recognize that Alex was acting like me dad. He was only seeing me at meals during the week and on one or two evenings a weekend (the evenings were only after 9pm) and church together on Sunday. We only lived 300 yards from each other. He said that I didn't have to sit with him at meals, that if I wanted to sit with other people he would be ok, but I wanted to sit with him at meals because it was the only time he said he had time to hang out with me during the week. So, if I didn't sit with him and his friends at meals on weekdays, I would have only seen him on weekends.

I didn't notice that my boyfriend was not committed enough to spend more than the minimum amount of time with me that is required to make the relationship work. Well, he spent less than the minimum because he did not even spend that amount of time with me. I didn't notice because my dad didn't spend time with my mom or me when I was growing up, so I saw it as acceptable to not want to spend "too much" time with me.

Theme Song

The song Miss Independent by Ne-Yo is my new theme song.

Letter to A Lovely

Below is a message that I sent to my friend today after talking to her at the pool.



Hey Girl,
I don't know how many people you have told what you told me today at the pool, but I've been praying for you throughout today and I really want to tell you that "it's not your fault." You are not to blame for his actions, for his refusal to respect your wishes. Although there may have been unwise decisions prior to and after what happened in the shower this summer, it is not your fault. It is so easy to believe the lie that we are damaged goods after that barrier is broken, but don't believe it. It is so hard to push that lie away, but just remember that it is a lie. The truth is, you are lovable and someday a man will come along who respects your wish to stay pure and respects you when you say "no." You deserve that, a man who wants to treat you how you deserve to be treated, even if it means denying himself. There is no excuse for not listening to your "no," there is no excuse for trying to persuade you to do something he knew that you didn't to do. It is not your fault. We all fall prey to Satan's lies. But God loves us, even when we are broken and feel like we have done everything wrong. We are His beloved. You are His beloved. Even when there is not man in your life reminding you that you are loved, You Are His Beloved.
Love,
Amy


P.S.
I hope you don't feel like I just got super cheesey. I just feel really passionately about this subject because of my family's history. Please remember that you are not alone.

He Taught Me

" One night, I got so upset that I feel so unworthy, I ran as far as fast as I could outside (it had to be in the low 40's, at the highest). I sprinted almost 2 miles, crying half the time because Christ's love and sacrifice is so beyond my understanding. I actually ended up running past Alex as he was walking to his dorm, so we walked around the semi-circle 2 or 3 times just talking about it. I was kinda scared he'd be like, "wow, I can't date you, you're clearly insane." But he didn't, he just did what he could, he listened. "

That was the night (sometime in December 2007, but posted January 3, 2008) that I realized I had believed/felt like I was unlovable. I had believed that lie for a long time. I still find myself believing it sometimes, but now I know the truth. Dating Alex helped me find that out. I believe God used my relationship with Alex and what has happened with my Dad since I left for college to teach me about His love for me and to teach me that I am capable of being loved.

Superiority

I don't want my husband to protect me and provide for me because I am a woman and he feels that it is a man's duty to do that for a woman. I more want him to want to protect me and want to provide for me because he loves me. I don't want a man who thinks that men are the superior protectors and women are there to help and aid. I don't want a man who believes in separate but equal spheres either.



Oh, and btw, I attended a support group for girls who are recovering from eating disorders. I realized that I seriously do have a problem. I mean, it feels under control when everything is just dandy and I can workout how I want to, but it all falls apart if I don't feel like I have burned enough calories. Since Alex and I broke up, I have been skipping lunch on MWF to go workout an extra hour. I don't think anyone noticed because I always eat my meals with the same group of friends that Alex does, so when we broke up and I didn't show at lunch, no one thought anything of it. Or they just don't care if I eat.