Coming Home to Asbury

Reading Mark Buchanan’s book (Your God is Too Safe) makes me think a lot about loving others and being able to accept love from others. I don’t know if it’s because I just haven’t known Alex that long and so don’t really trust him yet (…do I fully trust any other human being though?), but I find myself not allowing myself to accept all the flirty/complimentary text messages he sends me. Last night he texted me that, even though he is bad at pool, he would teach me –his reasoning being that he would do anything for such a pretty girl. The night before he sent me a text saying “Go outside and look at the moon… It’s beautiful and so are you.” I don’t know if he was copying a lyric or what, but I found myself, instead of getting excited, questioning whether it was true. “Does he really believe that?” I asked myself.

Am I so scared of getting hurt that I won’t truly appreciate the compliments he gives me? I am afraid he is playing me, I guess, but boys don’t usually play their girlfriends. I don’t know if he is one of those guys who doesn’t attach much weight to the labels “boyfriend” and “girlfriend” though. I guess I’ll find out. I would assume, since we are no longer in high school and we are at Asbury of all places, that he would consider bf/gf labels as future spouse territory, right? I hope he is alright with God and growing spiritually. I probably should have waited to tell him yes, but it did –and still does- seem like the best thing to do was to start being official then and there when he asked.

He invited me to his house in Indiana, to stay over Saturday night and then go home late Sunday. I’m looking forward to it. We are still a lil lacking in the conversation department, but I think it’s ‘cus he called me throughout break at midnight (before we would both go to bed), so we were both tired. I’m glad he likes to talk on the phone. I’m not a huge phone person, but I appreciated the fact that he text me a few minutes before midnight every night to ask if he could call me. I am kind of nervous that it will just end up being a really short relationship –I’m in college, I feel like I should be able to uphold a relationship for at least 6 months. Of course, I don’t plan on breaking it off, but that’s where my trust issue comes into play. I don’t trust him yet enough to believe that he won’t all the sudden figure out that he doesn’t like me and break up, which is where my issue of not accepting love comes into play and in general having a hard time believing that I am worthy of love. All of those things that go on in my head that I mentioned above affect my relationship with God negatively, I am sure.

I can’t wait to see him. Only a few more hours now.

Going So Far

*Ames* says:
so I was talking to Alex in the student center last night, and we were sitting on a couch going through his old text messages. He was going quickly through them, and some of them were pictures. Now, he only became a "real" Christian a year or so ago... But there was a pic of breasts, which he said "I didn't know I had that on there,that's from before I wasa Christian, I'm so sorry" and we talked
*Ames* says:
briefly about porn, so apparently he used to struggle with it, but he says that he doesn't anymore. He said it was a temptation, but he hasn't in almost a year.
*Ames* says:
So because of that topic, I began to wonder how far he had gone, 'cus I know he used to drink. I asked him today at lunch and he said that he didn't want to discuss it in such a public place, so I asked him tonightin the student center and he said he didn't feel comfortable telling me yet, but he did say "I haven't been all the way"
*Ames* says:
=/
*Ames* says:
hmm, I just wanted to tell someone that. I mean, 'cus I don't know him that well. I think he has truly changed, but that kind of stuff makes me so uncomfortable, that he used to be so into all of that...
Adam {Broomstick} says:
yeah? do you think that'll effect your ability to stay with him/?
*Ames* says:
idn... I told him I didn't want to kiss, and he said he was fine with that. I'm pretty sure I can deal, but it just makes me sad for him, that he already did all that.
*Ames* says:
He's really patient, actually
*Ames* says:
the night he asked me to be official, I told him I wasn't sure yet, and he was so respectful, I explained to him all I was worried about and he didn't try to persuade me to date or anything, he justified my worries and we agreed to pray about it, though he had been praying about for 3 weeks by then
Adam {Broomstick} says:
wow...

*Ames* says:
wow what?
*Ames* says:
I'd been praying about it too, but only for 2 weeks or so
Adam {Broomstick} says:
he is a much better man than I...
Adam {Broomstick} says:
wow he is a much better man than I
*Ames* says:
why? what would you not have done?
*Ames* says:
I really like him...
Adam {Broomstick} says:
well.....first of all I don't think I could give up the stuff he gave up...I very much enjoy doing the physical stuff....
Adam {Broomstick} says:
yeah?
Adam {Broomstick} says:
I'm sure if he's willing to be so patient with you then he likes you too
*Ames* says:
Boys at Asbury are pretty unique

My First Boyfriend?

So I have been hanging out with Alex a lot. I finished my run at the Luce at the same time he finished swim practice last night, and when I finally spotted him in the throng of other swimmers, I could feel my face light up. I had expected him to ask maybe the day before thanksgiving break or the day after, but he had different plans. Oh, and btw, he actually listened to me when I said that I really liked trains and that I thought the seminary had the prettiest courtyard.

I have been waking up for the past 2 weeks and immediately checking my phone to see if he texted me yet -he said he did the same thing. It took me an hour or so of walking around and talking with him to give him my answer -"yes."

ECFlyer07 (12:36:16 AM): I did tell you what I was originally goin to do to ask right? with the train

DoulosGurl46 (12:41:11 AM): I know it had to do with the train... you were gonna go down to the tracks?

ECFlyer07 (12:38:19 AM): What I was goin to do was walk to the tracks and try to time it so that the train was passin and afterwards I would ask... but I decided that would take too muc timin and would make it hard

ECFlyer07 (12:39:12 AM): So what I decided to do was take a "random" walk to the seminary fountain and ask you while we were standing next to or near the fountain depending on the lighting

Boys and Swim Meets

Been hanging out with Alex a lot lately. We went to see Nightmare Before Christmas in theatres on Saturday night together and he put his arm around me. I really like him, I've finally decided that I will date him if/when he asks. We went to Bob Evans (he doesn't like Panera) for dinner before 608 on Sunday evening and he paid for my meal. Lydia keeps asking me if we are official yet.

He has a swim meet in Indianapolis this Saturday, so he is leaving at 11am on Friday and will get back Sunday at 2am. I have an away game for cheering on Saturday, so that will be 8am till dinner time on Saturday. I am still sad that he won't be here much this weekend. I made him a playlist to listen to once he is on his way to (or way home from) the meet. I guess that's kind of a pathetic thing to do, but it's definitely better than Alex being like, "Do you know what your names means? I looked it up on the internet." It means "beloved", by the way.

Letter To My Sis

Dear Mary,
I would write this in a letter to you, but I'm afraid the ephemeralness of stuff like this (by the time you would get the letter, I would have already made up my mind).

I think I might kind of actually like him (like all those qualifiers? -might, kind of, actually). But then again, maybe it's just that "oh, I think he likes me! Maybe I could like him too!". I hate that. You trick yourself into liking someone just because it would be nice, ya know? Anywho, yesterday he sat by me at lunch and I found myself wishing that he would hug me, and last night I was lying in bed wondering if he would text me goodnight (he did, after 10 minutes of me wondering, haha). And then I woke up this morning and the first thing I did, I didn't know I was doing it, was to find myself checking my phone to see if he text yet.

Ugh, boys...

We spent 3 hours last night sitting at a table to homework next to each other last night in the library. We didn't talk much, we actually got work done, but it was fun. A girl on my hall says he is one of the best swimmers at the school. Anywho, I'm going to go to lunch now. Just thought I'd update you on everything.

Mwuah! Love you!

Your Big Sis,
Amy

High School Boy Stuff?

Gah, he only started talking to me a lot sometime last week. Why am I feeling this way? <-wow, classic teenage angst question... I'm out of high school, I shouldn't be doing this. Is it because I think he is interested in me that I am all the sudden feeling so attached to him? I am fine if I haven't seen him in a few hours, but if I am near him, I want a hug so badly. Is that 'cus I haven't been getting very many hugs (especially guy-hugs) lately and I know that I could probably get them from him? A relationship (even worse, a messy "non-relationship") is the last thing I need right now. No one said that just because I hang out with a guy and he texts me at least 10 times a day means I have to date him. Ugh, just the fact that I am volleying this around in my head is so irksome. I find myself wanting to hang out with him, but he just seems like another Robert. Last night I wanted to go to the library to see him, but didn't because I don't want to lead him on (even if it is fun). I guess I just feel threatened because he only just met me. I keep wanting to say "give it time", but that doesn't change the fact that he is constantly in contact with me and that we eat at the same time for lunch and dinner thanks to class and practice schedules. It's rare that I ever allow myself to even see if I like someone. But his friends are kind of weird. I told him I didn't like his friends Saturday night and today he came and sat with me at lunch instead of me seating with him and his friends. And he didn't even sit with them at all at dinner tonight, he sat with a different group, a group that I am kind of friends with. Ok, the more I type, the mroe I think about it, and I don't need to think about it. I should just calm down, relax, and take things as they come. I'm just worried that I don't really like him (that I just am attracted b/c I know he is attracted to me and I am trying to get my value from him, a guy, and not God), and that if I keep hanging out with him, I will be leading him on, and leading him on is just plain mean.

1st Cheerleading Experience

We (the cheerleading squad) had our first cheerleading game/experience Friday night and Saturday afternoon. It was so much fun. I messed up a couple cheers friday night, but by Saturday I had them all. Cherise, Erin, and I got ready together in my room. I wore so much make up, haha, I haven't worn that much make up in a loooong time. Everyone really liked the dance we did to "lean back"/"music make me lose control."

I had to wake up at 7:15am this moring though because my First Year Experience class was going to the ropes course at 8am. Though I was not happy about it in the beginning (we passed by a sign/temperature thing and it said "36 degrees"), it ended up being sooo fun. I don't regret waking up so early anymore.

During the basketball game's half time, I went a few yards down in the Luce so that I could see the swim meet for a few seconds -I had told Alex that I would try to come and see him, and he had come to see me cheer the night before. He was in a green little swimsuit/speedo thing, haha, it made him look even more pale than he already is.

On Tuesday he asked me what I was doing on Friday night and if I would like to go with him and a group of friends to a movie -I said I had the cheer at the basketball game and couldn't go. Wednesday he asked me to eat lunch with him, but we missed each other because of class schedules and such. He then asked me to eat dinner with him, which we did end up doing.

Thursday he sent me a text that said, "I'm studying in the library until 10pm if you want to join me". I joined him. We talked half the time (quietly) and studied the other half.

Friday night he showed up at the basketball game, though he left a lil after half timebecause he was still going to the movie with his friends (he went to see American Gangster). After the game today, I went to see if the swimmers were still there and saw Alex (showered and dressed) standing with his parents in the lobby of the luce. I said hi, introduced myself, and was suddenly overcome with this need to say, "call me later if you want to go see a movie tonight." I have no clue where it came from. Well, he called, and I said a 10pm movie, he told me I could choose which movie.

We met at the student center at 9:20, drove to the Green, and ended up seeing Michael Clayton (I paid for my own ticket, fyi). Now, I had been to the movies a couple weeks ago with him and about 4 other GC girls... He chose to sit in the back row and we all followed. So the whole time (even after the GC girls left to sit closer to the screen), he never even so much as leaned towards me. In fact, he leaned away from me in his chair. But knowing me, I prepared myself and told myself that I was not going to do anything tonight.

Up until about 3/4 of the way through the movie, I was fighting to not let my head rest on his shoulder. I didn't want to give him ideas about me being interested and I definitely don't want another charlie/robert/steve relationship. However, I seriously don't know how it happened, all the sudden my head was on his shoulder. I felt kind of awkward because I had promised myself that I wouldn't do that, but I was tired... grr, I shouldn't have done it. About 4 minutes later, he had his arm around me, but the armrests in that theatre don't go up, so I wasn't right next to him, I think that was a blessing. I don't want to be the girl that's "Easy" (easy in the asbury sense, haha). It was a good movie though and we had an intelligent discussion about it on the ride home.

His band preferences remind me of Robert though, ick. He likes Kutless, Tobymac, Project 86, RED, and other various bands that I tend to think of as lame. Not that I am interested, but if he ends up being like Robert... ugh. He hangs out with some losers (Tim, Thrasher, Emily K, Ben A, etc.). Oh, I was talking to him Thursday night and he said that I could come home with sometime (his premise was that there is a cool bike shop near him) and that his mom said it was fine -that means he asked his mom if I could come. I think he is on the rebound though, I'm pretty sure he broke up with his gf a few weeks after getting to campus.