I really want to sit on a couch and talk to someone. I suppose I would be complaining, I am not sure. Then again, I can hear Dawn saying that complaining and talking about grief are two different things. However, it feels to me like if I say something once it is grieving, but if I say it again it is complaining. I feel so much hurt right now, but I don't know if I feel comfortable with anyone or trust anyone enough to care about what I feel to say it in front of them.
My mom had trouble letting go of my father even after she found out he had cheated on her and continued to do so and that he didn't truly love her in a sacrificial way. I am obviously having trouble letting go of Alex, even though I don't want him back necessarily and I am completely aware he is a selfish donkey.
I miss having someone that I felt I had a right to complain/ponder/grieve to and spend time with. Why do I not feel like I have a right to those things with other people? Why do I feel like those things are "rights" that come with relationships? Are friends and boyfriends necessarily required to do those things when I ask/need them and they don't have any prior obligations? I suppose they aren't required because they should probably want to do them, whether it is required or not. I guess the answer would be that I probably still undervalue myself, ugh.
I felt like I had a right, a prerogative, to make Alex listen to me because he was committed to me, no one else had ever promised/committed to me anything. Even though I felt I had that right, he felt like I was demanding too much when I asked that of him. So the one time I felt comfortable, the other person just slapped me in the face and pretty much told me (in effect) that no one wants to/should listen and be with me when I want/need them.
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