I leave tomorrow for 4 days in the Georgia mountains with my dad, my aunt+uncle+babycousins, and my sister. I hope it goes well. It good potential to be seriously awkward, as do most of my family's gatherings, which is why they are so rare.
I am sure, if I get internet in GA, I will be bored enough to update on every minute detail of my life that has happened since my last post.
P.S.
I kissed a boy and didn't think of my ex at all during it or for a while after wards =).
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Monday, December 14, 2009
Thoughts of Last Sunday
These are some letters of reflection I wrote during Break Up Group (ED Recovery group) last week.
The first one is about the lie that I have believed even though I know in my head it's not true, but the way I live reflects me belief in it.
The second one is about boundaries in relationship and keeping my identity, keeping a defining line between what is me and what is the other person.
The first one is about the lie that I have believed even though I know in my head it's not true, but the way I live reflects me belief in it.
The second one is about boundaries in relationship and keeping my identity, keeping a defining line between what is me and what is the other person.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Better to Not Have Loved
Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and I am here to tell you that it simply isn't true. I would have rather stayed ignorant of the deep ecstasy that being in loves brings if I had known that, after losing it, I would realize that the man whom I loved never really loved me.
Maybe that isn't what Tennyson is talking about though. Maybe he is talking about real love, when both people actually are capable of loving each other and do/did love each other, but have to part. Maybe he is not talking about when one person falls in love and wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who only loves them as an intimate friend (with a physical dimension to the relationship, of course).
Either way, I really must say that I think it is better to be ignorant of what you are really missing, than to have to lose it. I suppose love is worth the risk it comes with (that you might lose it) -but if one knew it would end in heart ache before ever experiencing it (falling love/entering the relationship), one should avoid it.
I am 17 days away from being single for 11 months.
This past Saturday, my good friend and my ex's close friend/roommate (he is the same person) told me he is interested in me romantically. I asked my ex about it. My ex texted his reply, "just take it easy on him; he isn't like me -you're REALLY horny. I always thought you two would be good together even while we were dating."
Wow, he really didn't love me. I mean, I knew it before, but this just adds another nail to the coffin. How can you think, "you know, my best friend and my girlfriend should get together," and really love someone?
I saw him, standing with his back to me and talking to friends, in the gym today. I went into the locker room as quietly as I could, then proceeded to cry during me shower and I don't know exactly why, other than it still hurts me to think about him, even though I know he's an a**hole.
I feel silly though, cus I am hurt by and mad at him, but also mad at/hurt by his new gf.
like, I don't know which I want more, for her to break his heart so that he can feel heart ache for once, or for him to break her heart because he'll realize that she's never gonna be as good as me. I also kinda want her to get her heart broken so she can see what a jacka** he is and what a mistake she could have saved herself if she had come and asked me about him.
Is that bad? Shouldn't I just not care? All the things I kinda want to happen revolve around me and revenge. Argh.
At times, I worry that someone might think that my ex must be a really great guy, since I am having such a hard time getting completely over him and leaving him behind. Don't be fooled. I loved him deeply, but it was not returned and he is not a great guy. I led myself to believe the illusion that my mind created of him.
Maybe that isn't what Tennyson is talking about though. Maybe he is talking about real love, when both people actually are capable of loving each other and do/did love each other, but have to part. Maybe he is not talking about when one person falls in love and wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who only loves them as an intimate friend (with a physical dimension to the relationship, of course).
Either way, I really must say that I think it is better to be ignorant of what you are really missing, than to have to lose it. I suppose love is worth the risk it comes with (that you might lose it) -but if one knew it would end in heart ache before ever experiencing it (falling love/entering the relationship), one should avoid it.
I am 17 days away from being single for 11 months.
This past Saturday, my good friend and my ex's close friend/roommate (he is the same person) told me he is interested in me romantically. I asked my ex about it. My ex texted his reply, "just take it easy on him; he isn't like me -you're REALLY horny. I always thought you two would be good together even while we were dating."
Wow, he really didn't love me. I mean, I knew it before, but this just adds another nail to the coffin. How can you think, "you know, my best friend and my girlfriend should get together," and really love someone?
I saw him, standing with his back to me and talking to friends, in the gym today. I went into the locker room as quietly as I could, then proceeded to cry during me shower and I don't know exactly why, other than it still hurts me to think about him, even though I know he's an a**hole.
I feel silly though, cus I am hurt by and mad at him, but also mad at/hurt by his new gf.
like, I don't know which I want more, for her to break his heart so that he can feel heart ache for once, or for him to break her heart because he'll realize that she's never gonna be as good as me. I also kinda want her to get her heart broken so she can see what a jacka** he is and what a mistake she could have saved herself if she had come and asked me about him.
Is that bad? Shouldn't I just not care? All the things I kinda want to happen revolve around me and revenge. Argh.
At times, I worry that someone might think that my ex must be a really great guy, since I am having such a hard time getting completely over him and leaving him behind. Don't be fooled. I loved him deeply, but it was not returned and he is not a great guy. I led myself to believe the illusion that my mind created of him.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Letter from a Friend
I got on facebook tonight and saw that I had a message from a girl with whom I talked with and hung out with in high school. She was a friend, but not in my super-close circle of friends, so that made this message mean all the more. While reading, I got tears in my eyes. I am so grateful that the Lord can use me in my brokenness and mistakes and when I am not aware. I have messed up so much in my faith and how I live our the Gospel. He is so good. Thank you, Lord, for allowing me to have a role in Your Kingdom. I find more reasons to praise You daily.
---------
Hi,
I know it's been a while since you and I have talked, and even then it's been a while since we've been close. I just wanted to tell you something I was thinking about the other day.
I went to a dinner at my cousins church called Holiday For Her. Basically we sat at nicely decorated host tables and ate dinner while speakers talked to us about the church and about the real meaning of the Christmas holiday. One of the speakers was explaining the struggles she went through with believing years ago, but how she remembered some one from her childhood who always believed so strongly they inspired her. I started looking back on people in my life and Amy, you are that person for me.
There are many people who are strong in their beliefs and actions but I feel that you are the most inspirational in my life. I don't want to sound too weird, but you just shine and I wanted to say thank you for being so honest, and so You. I may not have always understood it when I was younger, but I do now.
Sorry, I know this was pretty long-winded but it has been on my mind a few days, and I felt I should tell you, so Thank You.
---------
Hi,
I know it's been a while since you and I have talked, and even then it's been a while since we've been close. I just wanted to tell you something I was thinking about the other day.
I went to a dinner at my cousins church called Holiday For Her. Basically we sat at nicely decorated host tables and ate dinner while speakers talked to us about the church and about the real meaning of the Christmas holiday. One of the speakers was explaining the struggles she went through with believing years ago, but how she remembered some one from her childhood who always believed so strongly they inspired her. I started looking back on people in my life and Amy, you are that person for me.
There are many people who are strong in their beliefs and actions but I feel that you are the most inspirational in my life. I don't want to sound too weird, but you just shine and I wanted to say thank you for being so honest, and so You. I may not have always understood it when I was younger, but I do now.
Sorry, I know this was pretty long-winded but it has been on my mind a few days, and I felt I should tell you, so Thank You.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Eggs=Best Boyfriends
ok, so I was thinking about boyfriends while I was making my breakfast this morning (a turkey, avocado, and cheese omelet) and decided that, if I had to choose a food for my perfect man to be like, I would choose an egg.
Why an egg, you ask?
Well, eggs have a lot of really great things about them...
1.) They have hard and protective outsides, but they are actually soft and pliable on the inside (not to mention yummy
2.) Eggs are good in a variety of different dishes from different cultures, so they adapt well to different situations
3.) They have a fast burning protein and a slow burning protein within them (yoke and the white), making them great for whether you want a fast and upbeat time or you are more in the mood for taking it slow and making it last a while
Why an egg, you ask?
Well, eggs have a lot of really great things about them...
1.) They have hard and protective outsides, but they are actually soft and pliable on the inside (not to mention yummy
2.) Eggs are good in a variety of different dishes from different cultures, so they adapt well to different situations
3.) They have a fast burning protein and a slow burning protein within them (yoke and the white), making them great for whether you want a fast and upbeat time or you are more in the mood for taking it slow and making it last a while
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