Small Talk

do you ever wish that people would stop asking "how are you?" so that you could stop lying?

More Than Scars

Is it ironic that the top scar on my right hand came from swim practice (I scraped my hand against the wall during backstroke), and the lower scar is from when I baked cookies and burnt myself?

Exercise and food have left their marks, inside and out.

Unequally Yoked

Why is it that the two guys that I connect with, like pretty much soul-mate level, are not Christians? I mean, Adam and Steve, I can go without talking to them for a year or more and when I see them, it's like we've never been a part. They understand what I am saying and can complete my sentences. The conversation is never awkward, the silences are comfortable.

Lex w/ Steve

Steve came up this weekend for the UF/UK game. I picked him up at his hotel at 11:30pm and we went to the non-alcoholic bar (smoothies, coffee, fancy sodas, fancy waters, energy drinks, juice) in Lex. Then we went to Triangle Park and chilled, talked some more, and Steve took pictures.

These are some of the pics.

Lay Down My Crown

wanting to get married

laying down desire for marriage to God to with as He wills

You are making me more beautiful in this time

Addictions Destroy

I have had a lot to think about the past few days during Fall Revival and wanted to share it with someone, so here it goes:

I talked to my ex and had an actual conversation with him for the firs time in a long time. Well, it was on facebook and text, but it still was an actual conversation instead of a fight or something awkward. We asked how the other was doing and a little a bit about our summers. Then I asked him how often he looked at porn when we were dating -he said "occasionally." We got into a conversation about porn and he came out and said, "it's so hard for me not to.. Im addicted to masturbation," but when I asked him if he wanted out, he said he knew he probably should, but he didn't want to and that he would get out when he meets someone new that he wants to be in a serious relationship with.

How foolish. It's addiction, you can't quite just whenever you want, when you find someone. It's a freaking addiction. It's controlling him. Besides, how can he meet someone to be in a healthy, serious relationship with if he is not making an effort to be healthy himself? Addictions are selfish and leave no room to care for anyone else. They are consuming. No one can serve two masters. Right?

It hurts to know that I fell for someone who, just like my dad, has a sexual addiction. But at least it explains why he was so emotionally unavailable, so isolated and depressed. It explains why he could not care for me and treat me well. He is incapable of doing so until he can work through his addiction, recognize how destructive it is, how controlling it is. Just as I should not be in a relationship or look for one until I am in a stable place of recovery with my exercise addiction (which I don't like to admit). I need to work through and heal the wounds that have gotten me to the place I am at, so does he.


P.S.
I should mention that I stayed out late (11:30pm is late for me, haha) with Alex's roommate/one of my best friends and talked for 2 hours Wednesday night (nothing romantic there, just friendship).

It came up in conversation that the "M" word had been discussed in the girls-only talk for Fall Revival and that almost every girl in the room had done it and feels confused about it or has struggled with it and/or porn. Honestly, it was so good to see other girls admitting they had done it. The woman who was the speaker for the girls-only talk said later that she had never seen such a collective sigh of relief on an entire audience's face when someone mentioned female masturbation.

Anyway, I knew that he (my friend/Alex's roommate) had struggled with porn and so we talked about it for a bit. He told met that last year he had used Alex's external hard drive and found folders and folders of porn. I knew Alex had struggled in HS with it, but Alex told me various times that he was fine and not struggling and that it was hard to get porn on campus anyway because of internet blocks. He lied.

Cash From Jesus

So I have been feeling for the past 6 months or so that I should give this girl on campus (young, newlywed, music major) $50 anonymously. I didn't do it last semester. I finally gave in today, haha. I just read her facebook status and it said
"I got an envelope with cash in it today, that said to Abby, from Jesus. that's all it said. It's definitely cool with me that Jesus misspelled my name. And I thank Him so much for His goodness, it means so much to me...i really feel cared for and cared about"

Ooops, her name is Abbie, haha.

Never Let Me Go

I've tried so hard my dear to show
That you're my every dream
Yet you're afraid each thing I do
Is just some evil scheme
-Norah Jones

Is this how God feels?

These lyrics make me think of marriage. The other night a speaker at GC said that we need to trust God to fulfill our needs, trust him that He will love us, trust Him that He will not leave us. If we do not trust, we will leave Him and look for another. The same is for our marriages -if we do not believe our husband will provide, love, and stay with us, we will end up wandering and find another whom we think is more trustworthy and so commit adultery. I involuntarily sneered at the idea of trusting a man to never leave me. I hope that my future husband does not have to have the same sentiments as these lyrics.

Stress, Cry, Stress

I have been on the verge of tears all day, and my eyes have welled up at the slightest mention of marriage, adultery, dads, or homosexuality for the past week.

Normal?

Do normal people feel acutely lonely at some point almost every day? Do normal people feel stressed and worried to the point of crying if they actually do ever talk about it? Do normal people talk about it? Do they feel comfortable calling someone to talk to about it? Do they feel like they are just complaining and that the other person doesn't have time for it? Do they feel like they have more than one good friend who they can trust that they will not annoy and trust with their secrets and worries and foolish feelings?

Letter to Self

Ever Make It Right

Soon we'll just be a memory. In fact, someone, some foolish person will probably think it's a tribute to this city, the way it keeps changing on you, the way you can never count on it, or something. I know, because that's the sort of thing I'm always saying. But the truth is, I'm heartbroken. I feel as if part of me has died, and my mother has died all over again, and no one can ever make it right.
Kathleen in You've Got Mail

Lame Jerk

I was hoping he would be the guy I could call and talk to when I got upset, that I could confide in about dad and our family, about exercise, I was hoping i finally found someone who would care about all of it, not just some of it, and be able to be there and to actually comfort me and not feel awkward. Someone who I could be emotional with and have them be emotional back. I guess not.

Joel came over tonight for a date, I made him pot roast and homemade chocolate cake. He was over for 3 and a half hours. The last 5 minutes he decided to tell me, "I'm not going to string you along, this would be better if we just be friends."

Tease

Agh,
Joel (a guy I went on a date with last week) sent me a message on facebook. At the end of the message he said, "I have something to tell you, but I'm not going to type it on here. That's stupid. I'll tell you in person on Friday."

we had been talking about finding balance, since I had kinda freaked out that he hadn't contacted me in 3 days...

My immediate thought to his "I have something to tell you" was, "dangit, he's GAY"

-------------

I don't usually feel like this with guys, flustered, I mean. Most guys I feel like i have at least something that is better than them -looks, knowledge, cultured, wit, something.

Joel seems more like an equal on all levels and it makes me nervous and flustered.

Joel is attractive, smart, cultured, clever, musical. He is crazy similar to me. My friend Andy thinks it's weird. Andy feels like we are dating ourselves, if that makes sense. It makes me uncomfortable that he can legitimately challenge me on all levels, pretty much. Usually I have something I can store confidence in and not get nervous, feel like I have some sort of power.

Vineyard Lex

Ok, so I love my church. This an email to my pastor that I wrote this morning.

Hello Kevin,
I wanted to let you know that I have appreciated your sermons the past two weeks and was saddened when I heard you say that you walked out the past two weeks feeling like a dog. The past two weeks have confirmed what I heard this summer while working at a camp for inner city kids (Kids Across America). While working at the camp, I found that my addiction to exercise (aka exercise bulimia) was keeping me from serving Christ. I couldn't love this kids that God had placed at the camp when I was constantly worrying about whether I was eating too much or exercising too little and feeling gross. I was getting up at 5am every morning (2 hours before wake up time) in order to work out and my body was not able to keep up with the camp schedule on such a small amount of sleep. I was convicted that I was putting my exercise and fears before God; I would rather skip time with God than skip my work out without blinking. I mean, I almost missed my grandmother's funeral because I "had" to work out. I knew that I was being a "grapefruit" Christian -with exercise taking up half of my grapefruit-, but I was too scared to let go of exercise.

Your recent sermons have given me the courage to put into action what my eyes were opened to this summer. I have recently quit swim team (I cried for 2 days, but I know being on the team only retards my recovery). I also only worked out 5 times this week, something I haven't done in a little over 2 years. I am trying to tell my fears "no" and to remember that serving the kingdom is much more important than my irrational fears of gaining weight. Thank you speaking the truth and encouraging me to walk away from the sin/slavery that Jesus has already set me free from. I know that this will not be an easy thing to leave behind, but I am already experiencing freedom from it in ways that I didn't think were possible a few months ago.
Thanks,
Amy

Chapel Seat

Oh, and I put in a request to change my chapel seat so that I will, hopefully, not be anywhere near Alex.

Too Busy to Listen

Everyone is too busy. Maybe that's just an excuse I tell myself. I'm sure people would listen if I asked them. Do I really want them to?

I really want to sit on a couch and talk to someone. I suppose I would be complaining, I am not sure. Then again, I can hear Dawn saying that complaining and talking about grief are two different things. However, it feels to me like if I say something once it is grieving, but if I say it again it is complaining. I feel so much hurt right now, but I don't know if I feel comfortable with anyone or trust anyone enough to care about what I feel to say it in front of them.

My mom had trouble letting go of my father even after she found out he had cheated on her and continued to do so and that he didn't truly love her in a sacrificial way. I am obviously having trouble letting go of Alex, even though I don't want him back necessarily and I am completely aware he is a selfish donkey.

I miss having someone that I felt I had a right to complain/ponder/grieve to and spend time with. Why do I not feel like I have a right to those things with other people? Why do I feel like those things are "rights" that come with relationships? Are friends and boyfriends necessarily required to do those things when I ask/need them and they don't have any prior obligations? I suppose they aren't required because they should probably want to do them, whether it is required or not. I guess the answer would be that I probably still undervalue myself, ugh.

I felt like I had a right, a prerogative, to make Alex listen to me because he was committed to me, no one else had ever promised/committed to me anything. Even though I felt I had that right, he felt like I was demanding too much when I asked that of him. So the one time I felt comfortable, the other person just slapped me in the face and pretty much told me (in effect) that no one wants to/should listen and be with me when I want/need them.