Differences

Why is it that my mom has read countless books about how to properly raise and deal with my sister and her issues, but has never once even looked at a book about eating disorders. Even when I suggest specific books, she still ignores them.

But when my sister has a problem, my mom goes out and attends a weekly class about it. She has never shown any interest in going to the classes at the eating disorder clinic. Instead, she asks me really awkward questions about it that I would prefer not to answer (i.e., "Why would someone not want, or be scared, to go into recovery?" and "Why does being at home make it act up?").

Also, my boss is really beginning to get on my nerves. Well, not really her as much as living with her. It was all I could do last night to keep myself from marching into the living room and smacking her hard across the face -she was sitting on the couch watching Nip/Tuck with her 2 year old son. The episode has a raunchy sex scene it and was about a serial rapists who mutilated his victims. One scene even had a woman, whose cheek has been slashed like the Joker's in Batman's, saying, "you know what he says as he is ramming himself into you?" and going into the details of the rape. Totally inappropriate for a two year old to watch.

This wasn't just a one-time thing either. They watched some R-rated movie the other night with the two year old on their laps -there was domestic violence, fist fights, f-words, and talk of orgies. Don't they realize that watching this stuff is going to affect the little boy's development? That he doesn't process what is real and what is fake, what is good versus bad, what happens in movies versus what is normal behavior? I just want to yell at them.

They even watched Shutter Island with the kids in the room. Of course, I came in at the part when Leo find his dead children in the water and the two and five year old children were staying up at the scream with mouths wide open.

Also, I wanted to have a dinner party, so I asked them if that'd be ok for Saturday night and they said no because they'll "be home that night." It's their house, yes, but it's also my place. I am living here too. It's not like they are having a party or friends over or doing something special. They are just going to be here and I wanted to have 6 friends over for dinner.

Thoughts on Recovery

Recovery is not a straight path forever traveling away from the crisis point, it is a slowly, ever-widening swirl that circles around that crisis point.

What I wish recovery was:

What recovery actually is:

It's not like I am always getting better. I try to always become further removed from Ed, but I just keep circling around and around, slowly getting farther away, but sometimes I sure can't tell. I suppose that's also why recovery is frustrating and doesn't always look like it's "working" -'cus it's cyclical. I go through good times a the top of the circle, bad times at the bottom.

My mom was complaining about my dad going through another one of his manly phases where he goes to all sorts of men's groups, men's retreats, and manly activities like kick-boxing, mountain biking, and camping. She says he has done it before, and I remember the one when I was in elementary school and honestly, I felt annoyed too. But after talking to my mentor, it made a little more sense. Ed and struggles with homosexuality are surprisingly similar -they both come from our brokenness, our desire to be accepted and loved, and represent Sin with a capital "S", though they both involve acts of sin too. They both are cyclical. I am sure I will go through phases, kickstarts, mountain highs and valley lows in my recovery-actually, I already do. It only makes sense that my dad would too.

I need to have a change of heart and be more understanding when it comes to my dad's recovery. Of course, that does not mean that I have to condone everything he does, nor does it mean that my mom was wrong when she left him after 30 frustrating years of watching these cycles.

I find that Ed has really given me an ability to understand addictions, whether behavioral or chemical, in a way that I never would have that possible. Also, in my recovery Bible study, it's crazy how alike my struggle and overeating are. They are the very same thing, just manifested in opposite directions.