Free*Indeed

Sometimes I really don't like God.

My roommate was explaining the other night about how her sister feels called by God to go to this college in Texas, but that her sister doesn't really want to go there. My roommate doesn't really believe strongly that it is God calling her sister to Texas because my roommate believes that "God gives you a passion for His callings." I had to disagree with my roommate. God has called me to do plenty of things I didn't want to (go to Lyman, enroll at Asbury, work at KAA, etc.).

God has been speaking to me for the past month or so about exercise. Why does He have to do that? I have been trying really hard (with the 5 weeks on and the 6th week off) and then He comes in and says I need to do more than I could possibly handle. He's been asking me to give it up to Him indefinitely -not just for a week at a time. I have begged Him not to ask this of me. I have told him outright that I refuse to. He still keeps asking. I have cried on the floor of my dorm room, telling him that I cannot do it, that I need an end-date to look forward to at least. He has not given me a time period, just a command.

I know I am being foolish, refusing to give up something so small as exercise to the one who died on a cross for me and loves me more than I can ever imagine, but giving up exercise is the scariest and worst thing he could ask of me. I am scared out of my mind. It's all I think about.

He first brought the idea up about a month and a half ago during a quiet time when I was preparing for a 6th week off. I was so upset at the idea that I cried.

I kind of forgot about it for a few weeks, then He brought it up again when Kevin preached at the Vineyard about following God's steps and how we cannot hear from Him as we ought if we have not followed his last instruction (Vineyard: Eyes Wide Open: Seeing the Light. 4/11/10). I knew I needed to do something, but I quickly let myself forget about it.

I forgot about it for a while. It only nudged me in chapel and church and I easily brushed it away. However, last night I was at Worship on the Green (a big worship band plays songs for 2 hours on the green in the middle of campus) and I tried to be honest with God. I told him I was scared, that I didn't want to. I told him I wanted to follow him, but that I wished there was some other way to become fully his. I knew the logic in His request and that no one can serve two masters, but there had to be a way out. I probably would have left the green and just forgotten about His request again, but then something happened.

This guy got up and gave his testimony about God's work in his life the past semester. He spoke of how he had made a decision to give everything to God and how he woke up every morning practically in tears because he is so scared of life without the things God asked him to give up. He talked about God's faithfulness, how wonderful and frightening it is to leave the very thing that makes us who we think we are. As he stood on stage, I began to cry and knew I needed to thank the guy for being so brave and confessing the Lord on stage. I went to find him and started crying as I tried to tell him how much his words meant to me, that God spoke through him to me. He was so encouraging. He is the first person (and only, so far) that I have told about what God is asking me to do and how freaking scared out of my mind I am.

After Worship on the Green, I went to my hall Bible study (my roommate leads it). We are going through the book Crazy Love and last night's chapter was all about people who actually live radically and do crazy things out of love (God's love). The author talked about people who did things that seem radical to the world, like inviting prostitutes, pimps, druggies into their house and showing them God's love. He mentioned people who learn a new language and move to Papua New Guinea to share the gospel, people who sell their houses and give all of the proceeds to the church, lawyers who give up their million dollar jobs and move to Nicaragua to minister to the people who live in the garbage dump. Those people do radical things and inspire others.

I know it may sound selfish or shallow, but I feel like what God is asking me to do is just as radical as the people the author spoke of. I am confident that it is just as scary and feels just as life-threatening for me to follow Him as it was for them. Heck, it might be more scary for me than it was for them.

Goodness, I sound so shallow and stupid. For anyone else, giving up exercise is not a life-or-death thing, but it is for me. I don't think anyone could understand unless they have personally known Ed.

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One thing I feel like I need to add is the weird understanding I feel like I have with men who struggle with homosexuality. Honestly, when the guy who gave his testimony on the green was talking to me about how it felt to give his desires to God and commit to following Him, his description sounded exactly like my own struggle. When he described what his homosexual actions/thoughts did for him, it was like he was talking for me. The same goes for his fears, the tension between what he knows and what he feels. I feel like we have the same struggle, but his has chosen to take the external form of homosexuality and mine is embodied in the form of Ed.

I have felt that way with my struggle and my father's own issues for some time now. I haven't told anyone, but I also feel like my recovery and my father's liberation are somehow connected.

Excited to Cycle

After much deliberation, research, and awkward 10 mile bike rides through Kentucky's rolling hills on my hybrid bike, I am proud to say that I have finally purchased my first real road bike.

My baby is a lovely, 52cm Scott Contessa Speedster 25, a good entry level road bike that is upgradeable. St. Johns Cycles in Sanford, Florida helped me find her and they are even throwing in a few free things (water bottle cages, a bag for underneath the saddle).

I will pick my baby up on May 4, when I come home to Florida after finals. That's just in time to get some practice in before the triathlon. Woohoo.

The bike is listed for $879.99 on the Scott website, but most places (including St. Johns) sell it for $799. My mom is gonna give me $300 for Trek hybrid, since I paid $300 for it and she is crazy generous. I asked my dad for some help and he said he would match my mom -I think I am gonna make dinner for him a few nights a week for a while so that I don't feel like I am a total mooch.

Tragic.

Recent Realization: My dad had to lose everything in order to go through the hard work of changing. "Everything" was his marriage/family. What's sad is that, if my mom had stayed with him, he never would have changed and he would still be the selfish husband who doesn't love and the disconnected father who doesn't give his time or attention. But, because my mom divorced him, he finally committed to real change.

Of course, the dilmemna of "divorce and he'll change" and "stay and he'll still be unfaithful/unloving" means that:

a.) Mom goes through the crap that comes with divorce and ends up alone, but her ex husband changes and becomes a better man for someone new

b.) Mom stays and puts up with a man who is unfaithful and does not love her or her kids enough to make any sacrifice at all

I mean, I think choice "a" is better in the long run, but it sucks 'cus she ends up alone and has to see her husband become a better man only after she divorces him. But he wouldn't have changed and become better if she had stayed. She stayed with him 30 years and he didn't change. I am fully confident that divorce was the only thing that would have ever made him change.

Why is it that what my mom wanted to happen (my dad to change) couldn't happen if she was still with him? As soon as she leaves him, he changes; she knew it would happen.

Dream House

This will be an ongoing post of things I want in a dream house. I will add to it every once in a while.

I want a wall that is covered/wallpapered with light-colored maps, preferably in the mudroom that will connect the garage and the kitchen

I love brick or stone exteriors, especially with a creeping vine growing up them

Open floor plans are nice

I'd like a huge circular table for normal meals and entertaining (8 people around). Maybe a small barstool, high table for more intimate or for quick meals. The round table will be designed like a Sticks kitchen table (wise sayings carved into the border, a simplistic scene of houses and nature carved onto the inner part, perhaps a lazy Susan in the middle. The table would be in a round bay window area with a semi-circle bench on the window side.

I want a long, Pullman kitchen. Preferably of light color with a nice view.

I love windows, but I also want walls on which I can decorate. I always thought it would be neat to have the living room on the first floor and have a simple catwalk/balcony along its perimeter on the second floor (great for parties and entertaining).

I would like the master bedroom to be downstairs and the kids' bedrooms upstairs, but I do not want to hear the kids' noisy sleepovers and such while I sleep, so I do not want the master bedroom right next to the living room.

A secret room would be sooo sweet, but not absolutely necessary.

A garage apartment or a basement apartment that is accessible from the outside, if I ever wanted to rent it out or provide housing for someone.

Adequate land around the house.

One of those vine covered trellis walkways from the garage to the house or the house to the summer kitchen (down by the lake?)

A summer porch, on the second story, with a hammock or a bed

An outdoor shower so I can see the stars

In the indoor shower, I want to have a glass ceiling that is also raised a few inches above the rest of the ceiling so that it's like placing a bottomless, short glass box on top of the shower. It would provide the illusion of an outdoor shower.

Pretty Houses

Talking to my friend on Facebook chat today, we somehow got onto the topic of houses.

He said, "i love vines on houses... gives real character... vines+stone+porch+bay windows= perfect house." I love this kid. He's single, has my taste in houses and we have similar views (though not always eye to eye) on most things. Too bad he is still 17. I'll give him time to grow up, but then I am totally going after him, haha.

P.S.
He also likes to cook and bake. He made this arugula and feta stuffed chicken and a beautiful chocolate cake with white icing and thinly sliced strawberries on top the other night Did I mention that he likes to be active and has agreed to run the triathlon with me?

Triathlon vs. Recovery

So I told my nutritionist about the triathlon and she didn't sound thrilled. She wants me to do some hw/ journaling, about my workouts the next two weeks and then discuss the triathlon with her. I suppose it is a pretty stupid thing to do durin recovery. It gives me an "excuse" to workout more.

2 Week Exercise Log

Questions to ask after/during Work Out

Energy level

Clarity level

Muscle soreness

Muscle fatigue (that day or the next day)

Pain, knees or ankles?

Freedom to stop, start

At what level does it take me hostage?

Sense of enjoyment

4-8. Exercise: swam 2500 and wanted to do more, but didn't have time. Felt energized afterward and good during.

4-9. Exercise: swam 2000. Neutral whether to go more, but needed to get to work. Hungry even after full breakfast at 8:45am, so ate lunch at 11am.

Both mornings (4-8 and 4-9) I felt angry and wanted to work harder than usual because of unwanted dreams about my ex (not sexual, he was just rude).

4-10. Movement: 1850yd swim, 45 minute spin class, 1.5 mile run. Muscles sore from 3 sets of 3 pull ups on Thursday (always hits me 48 hours after, not the next day).
Energy level felt good at during swim and beginning of spin class. Did not feel light headed, but was tired at about 2 minutes into run. Ran for another 13 minutes or so though in order to reach half of the distance that I would be running in the triathlon.
At the beginning of the morning I had wanted to go 2.6 miles, but settled for 1.5 once I started running and felt worn.
Although I had a good work out after spinning, I still wanted to run a bit since I had decided to do all 3 sports the night before. I believe if I had felt exhausted, I would not have gotten on the treadmill, I did give myself that permission. Got off treadmill feeling good and enjoyed stretching. I enjoyed swimming and spinning; I don't think I enjoyed running, it was a neutral.

4-12. Swam 2500. Didn't record feelings.

4-13. Movement: Ran 40 minutes or so. Felt good, no muscle soreness or fatigue, didn't even push self too hard on the uphill parts. Listened to sermon and felt focused, ready for day. Slight pain in right knee the day before and this morning, so took a Rx anti-inflammatory 30 minutes before run and didn't feel pain while running. Didn't take a watch or phone with me on purpose so that I would run based on feeling, not time/distance. Thought I "should" go 3 laps at park, but decided 2 felt better.

4-14. Swam 2500. Didn't record feelings.

4-15. Movement: Biked 10 miles in the morning, lifted weights in the evening. Biking felt great; beautiful sunrise, cool temperatures. Wanted to go farther 'cus I felt good, but had to get back to get ready for class.
When I lifted weights though, I felt out of it, kind of in a daze. I reasoned that it was probably because I just found out (and was upset) about the rough conditions that I would be living in if I went to India. By the end of lifting, I felt better and relaxed.

4-16. Movement: Swim 2500 yards. Woke up feeling good and planning to spin, but decided I wanted to swim instead. When I got to the gym's pool, I felt tired, but I had already driven into town and didn't want to waste the gas. After my first 1000, felt good. When I got to the end of my 2500, I wanted to go further because I felt invigorated and excited, but stopped because I had agreed that I would go no more than 2500.