Addictions Destroy

I have had a lot to think about the past few days during Fall Revival and wanted to share it with someone, so here it goes:

I talked to my ex and had an actual conversation with him for the firs time in a long time. Well, it was on facebook and text, but it still was an actual conversation instead of a fight or something awkward. We asked how the other was doing and a little a bit about our summers. Then I asked him how often he looked at porn when we were dating -he said "occasionally." We got into a conversation about porn and he came out and said, "it's so hard for me not to.. Im addicted to masturbation," but when I asked him if he wanted out, he said he knew he probably should, but he didn't want to and that he would get out when he meets someone new that he wants to be in a serious relationship with.

How foolish. It's addiction, you can't quite just whenever you want, when you find someone. It's a freaking addiction. It's controlling him. Besides, how can he meet someone to be in a healthy, serious relationship with if he is not making an effort to be healthy himself? Addictions are selfish and leave no room to care for anyone else. They are consuming. No one can serve two masters. Right?

It hurts to know that I fell for someone who, just like my dad, has a sexual addiction. But at least it explains why he was so emotionally unavailable, so isolated and depressed. It explains why he could not care for me and treat me well. He is incapable of doing so until he can work through his addiction, recognize how destructive it is, how controlling it is. Just as I should not be in a relationship or look for one until I am in a stable place of recovery with my exercise addiction (which I don't like to admit). I need to work through and heal the wounds that have gotten me to the place I am at, so does he.


P.S.
I should mention that I stayed out late (11:30pm is late for me, haha) with Alex's roommate/one of my best friends and talked for 2 hours Wednesday night (nothing romantic there, just friendship).

It came up in conversation that the "M" word had been discussed in the girls-only talk for Fall Revival and that almost every girl in the room had done it and feels confused about it or has struggled with it and/or porn. Honestly, it was so good to see other girls admitting they had done it. The woman who was the speaker for the girls-only talk said later that she had never seen such a collective sigh of relief on an entire audience's face when someone mentioned female masturbation.

Anyway, I knew that he (my friend/Alex's roommate) had struggled with porn and so we talked about it for a bit. He told met that last year he had used Alex's external hard drive and found folders and folders of porn. I knew Alex had struggled in HS with it, but Alex told me various times that he was fine and not struggling and that it was hard to get porn on campus anyway because of internet blocks. He lied.