A Donkey

Well, it finally drove me to my wits end. Alex not talking to me and not making in effort to contact me for 3 months finally got to me. So I took Jacob's advice and text him the simple message, "hey. Want to go for a walk or something and catch up with each other?". He replied with, "Is it gonna lead to you wanting to date again?" -I was so mad that he would so insolent as to say that! I was in the Aldersgate laundry room at the time and began to yell and scream curse words about him. He also decided to text me about how he came up with the idea that I was looking for a dad -not a boyfriend- in him, but I gave him that idea over the phone this summer the last time we talked! He did not come up with it! I told him that I didn't talk to him for 3 months and he said "that is only because you are still trying to get over me..." Then he accused me of lying to him this summer because in early June I told him that I thought I was over him -I didn't mean to lie, I really thought I was 98% over him and that, in a few days, it would be 100%. I asked him to stop texting me all these things and to talk to me face to face, but he said "while texting I can multitask. I never give anything my full attention..."

Whiel texting him all of this, I left the laundry room and went for a crazy "drive" down the KY roads screaming profanities and how much I hated certain people, then I finally calmed down when I had to put more gas in my car and went to see Jacob at the Student Center. When I got back to my room, I talked to Alex a little on facebook. He decided that he had a right to tell me that I should do him a favor and double or triple my standards that I had for him and "never veer away" from those standards. I can't believe he had enough guts to say that, as if I don't know what an a** he was/is to me, as if I want to date him or someone like him again. Besides, 2x or 3x better than him is not good enough at all, the standard needs to be at least 10x better.

I cried myself to sleep.

Date Night/Thoughts

My first date of the year was last night. It will probably be my only date of the year, haha. It was pretty fun though. His name is Josh, he's a PK, Asian, in the marine reserves, and a science major in his senior year. We went to see Up at the discount theater (at my request) and then a book store to hang out in.

I cried a little in Up when the little boy's dad didn't show up to the badge pinning ceremony, but then all the sudden the older guy was there to take the father's place. I want that. Not that my dad just isn't there at all, but that was the thought that went through my head at that scene, "I want that." A grandpa who will buy both his grand daughters stuffed animals instead of being so cheap that he only buys them one to share. A dad who gets his daughter good quality and what she would like, not what he thinks is a bargain and he wants.

During the movie, Josh kept looking over when I laughed and kept fidgeting, so I thought that was a good sign. When we went to the bookstore though, he got kind of awkward and I felt like his body language was trying to inch him towards the exit door. However, when we got in the car to go back to campus, he asked me if there was anywhere else I wanted to go. I didn't reach over and give him a hug goodnight when he dropped me off at my dorm, I probably should have (there were no spaces available for him to park and walk me).

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Lately, I have been feeling kinda of frustrated at Ed. I just can't believe sometimes that I have fallen prey to such a cliche thing. I mean, Eds are for weak people, those who don't understand nutrition and what they are doing, people who have no confidence or self-esteem, dumb people who can't see what they are doing is obviously damaging and does no good. That's how I feel a lot. Ashamed that it would happen to me.

I have been keeping track on paper and following Alice's diet for me. It's really not fun to follow sometimes, but I know that I feel better when I do.

Apartment

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=S09If5sBV5w

Follow the link for a tour of my on-campus apartment at Asbury!

Being back has been kinda nice. I have only gone to the cafeteria once in an entire week. I have been going to the Luce to swim, considering joining a local gym, and reading a lot. All of my classes are HUGE reading classes. 4 out of the 6 of my classes require 4 books/novels in addition to outside articles. My other two classes require 2 or 3 books. I will be spending lots of time alone in quiet places, I suppose.

Since being on campus, it has been so hard to not think about Alex and to not contact him. He sits one seat away from me in chapel. My friend Josh sits between us, thank goodness. He has done nothing more than to wave and say "hi" once. I don't want to talk to him, but at the same time I do. I can tell I am not over him, though he is clearly over me. I wish he wasn't, but I know it's better for me that he is. I hate this. It's been 8 months, why can't I just move on? I haven't gone a single day in almost 2 years without thinking about him.

Contact Mishap

so my contact was really bothering me all day yesterday, it was blurry

I couldn't figure out why

when I took it out in the evening (the third time I had taken it out wondering what was wrong because it was brand new), I looked closely and there were TWO contacts! I had had TWO contacts in my eye, on top of each other, all day.

Unwanted Reply

This is kind of the reply that I was afraid of and why I didn't really want to ask in the first place:

Amy,
I think you need to really pray about this!
We need everyone to either be on the team or not, and really can't gear it down too much.
I too have been worried that this is not what you need, considering your eating disorder. And I am not at peace with this. I worry it will be too intense for you, and you are a perfectionist and starting swimming competitively in college is never success oriented. Most of these people have been on teams since they were 7 years old.

What other healthy options do you have for fall that you could be involved in? Intramurals? Lifeguarding? (and keeping up with the mandatory swims per week)

Let me know what you are thinking. Of course we want you on our support team (timing at meets, etc.)
Blessings,
Dorothy

Down from 6 to 5

Letter to Dorothy, the swim coach:

Hello,
I have been talking to my nutritionist lately and she has suggested that I take my exercise down to 5 days a week instead of 6. How would that fit in with swim team? I am not sure I can handle only 5 days as it is, and it is only a suggestion from her.
-Amy

P.S.
I have been debating whether to even bring the subject up with you for weeks now because it makes me really nervous. I really want to be a part of swim team, but I am scared to compete and to commit to something so intense and I want it to be something good for me, not something that promotes an unhealthy relationship with exercise.

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I almost cried while writing the above email. I got that nervous and that upset. I don't know what she will say. I don't know if she will suggest that I just not swim with the team. I want to be a part of the team, but I feel like my issues are getting in the way and will keep me from being part of it.

Pink

This is the pink chair that will be in my room this year at school. I found it for $50 on Craigslist and had it slipcovered in this awesome pink seude.

Mother's Lament

I never know how to put into words how I feel about the divorce. I don't know if I know how I feel about it enough to describe it even in mediums that are not words. I don't know whether to be happy, hopeful, angry, hurt, sad, or anything. I mean, no one was completely in the right, no one was completely in the wrong. My dad cheated much more than any normal person would tolerate and was very much emotionally unavailable and pretty much had no interest in my mom physically and no desire to make her feel loved, beautiful, or cherished. My mom would rarely be direct in telling my dad what she wanted and what she didn't want because she wants to please others and help them better themselves so much. She probably stayed so long because she thought she could help my dad become straight or make him love her.

I don't know if my mom is any happier now that she is single. She doesn't have to feel constantly rejected and incompetent at being an attractive, interesting wife. But she still seems a bit depressed and is very stressed about work and money and whether she should be dating Ernie or not. It seems her unhappiness has just shifted focus sometimes. She talks often about how she is sad about the divorce. She feels bad about dad being alone. She feels like my struggle with addiction and Mary's panic attacks are the effects of the divorce and she filed for the divorce, so she feels that my issues and Mary's issues her fault.

Tonight she even said that she does not want Mary and I to have the "legacy of divorce" -it's a little late for that, it's pretty much unavoidable to not have your own marriage in a low more danger if your parents were divorced. She often laments that she would not have divorced my father if she had known it would be this hard on Mary and me, that she didn't expect it to be this devastating on the family. The family was literally torn apart, of course it is going to be devastating. It took a lot to not cry in front of my mom. I didn't want her to know how much it hurt me when I actually let myself think about it. I didn't want her to feel even worse because my crying would confirm that everything she said is pretty true or partially true.

Even though my dad and I don't have much of an emotional bond, he doesn't bring up stuff like that, stuff that makes me cry. He avoids things like that. He talks about books and work and exercise instead. I don't know. I guess it's better to have my mom who really has a connection with me.

The Soon School Year

I am sitting in my room listening to my Relax playlist (largely an assortment of Ray LaMontagne, Norah Jones, and Iron and Wine) and enjoying my new Altec Lansing Moondance alarm clock. It has great sound for being so small. I really want to get new speakers for my car, but I don't think I should spend the money. Instead, I think I will take the $250 and put it in a savings account.

I have been teaching swim lessons since being home. It's a nice, easy way to make money. However, I have been spending all of that money on things like alarm clocks, chairs for my dorm room, and books. Mary bought me a slouchy beret tonight and I am looking forward to wearing it. I had a purpose in starting this post and now I cannot remember what that purpose was.

I go back to school in a week and my mom doesn't want me to make the trip alone. She is getting close to taking off of work to drive up with me and then fly back down. She's crazy. I have made the trip before by myself. I am nervous about going back to school though. Seeing Alex again, living in an apartment where I can be isolated, practicing with swim team 6 days a week for 2 hours and weight lifting, being single, not having something to do, feeling trapped by obligations like support group and class prayer and Bible studies and papers and reading assignments. Mostly facing school as a single girl who knows she will never get back with her ex and having to see him around campus and possibly fall in love with someone else. Everytime I think I am over him, I am pulled back down -not as far down, but still down.

When I feel physically lonely now, I don't long for him specifically. It's more of a general wanting of physical affection now, not as acute. It still doesn't make it alright that I gave in and called my frat-boy friend earlier this week and made out with him at 3am. I felt so ashamed the next day. I fall in sin. I know Jesus loves me and forgets the times I fall, forgives me of them and loves me because he took the punishment for all the stupid things I have done and will do. I do not deserve his love and mercy.

Lies

Deceit according to Errol Morris- "the intent to have someone think something that is different from what you believe."

I think I will use that as my definition of lying.

RoomMate Again

I got screwed on my housing arrangements. My roomie and suitemates left me to move to an apartment. Now I get a transfer student in a traditional dorm room. I am angry.

And now a brief word from Edward in Pretty Woman (Richard Gere):
I was very angry with him. It cost me ten thousand dollars in therapy to say that sentence: "I was very angry him." I do it very well, don't I? I'll say it again: I was very angry with him. "Hello, my name is Mr. Lewis, I am very angry with my father."

Bigger Than My Body

My friend Ben IMed me this tonight:

"Some people have souls, or personalities, or whatever, that are larger than their bodies.

They just naturally seem vivacious, and unstoppable.

And you're definitely one of those people.

What I just realized is that you are probably the MOST like that of all the people I know."