No, I'm not colorblind
I know the world is black and white
Try to keep an open mind
But I just can't sleep on this tonight
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
Don't know how else to say it
Don't want to see my parents go
One generation's length away
From fighting life out on my own
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can't
But honestly, won't someone stop this train?
So scared of getting older
I'm only good at being young
So I play the numbers game
To find a way to say that life has just begun
Had a talk with my old man
Said "help me understand"
He said "turn sixty-eight
You renegotiate"
"Don't stop this train
Don't for a minute change the place you're in
And don't think I couldn't ever understand
I tried my hand
John, honestly we'll never stop this train"
Once in awhile, when it's good
It'll feel like it should
And they're all still around
And you're still safe and sound
And you don't miss a thing
Till you cry when you're driving away in the dark
Singing
Stop this train
I wanna get off
And go home again
I can't take the speed it's moving in
I know I can
Cause now I see I'll never stop this train
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Warm Blanket
I think I will curl up in a blanket with a good book tonight and try to keep the loneliness away.
Hurt Either Way
Me and MarySo when I got my Lifeguard certification, I tried to find someone to go out to dinner with me to celebrate. The only person who offered to go with me was Alex, who had just gotten back to campus from a great week at swimming nationals. When we got back in the car after dinner, I asked him for a piece of his candy (a cowtail) and he lifted it up for me to eat and then put it in his mouth so that I kissed him, well, we kissed each other. It was pretty much over right there, we agreed to drive to the Ichthus grounds, where we had a really intense make out session, probably the most intense we'd ever had. It sent me gasping for air when he would just caress my legs with his fingers. That was March 8.
March 14 was the first day of Spring break. It was fun. I went to the beach with Mary on Sunday and Monday. I went to Dawn's with Mary and learned that my sister has trust issues and that is how she copes with what has happened in our family and that she doesn't even trust me enough to talk to me about what is going on. And of course, she doesn't feel like I understand because I am not living through it daily like she is.
Tuesday night I went to visit Paul. He held me while we watched a movie, but all I wanted to do was to squirm out of his arms and move to the other side of the couch. His touch was irritating.
Another night, Sam came over and we watched a movie. He held me, which was fine and didn't bother me, but then he kissed me and it just felt off. It wasn't enjoyable, it didn't make me smile, it didn't feel good. I just wished it was Alex. His lips felt right, his arms felt comfortable.
At my grandmother's funeral on Saturday, I began to cry. I didn't cry because of my grandmother -I didn't really know her-, I cried because I started to think about how I had always imagined that Alex would be sitting next to me at her funeral and, of course, he was not sitting with me. In fact, Alex was visiting April at her school the very moment I was at my grandmother's funeral.
Alex keeps saying he is not going to officially date April as a girlfriend because it will hurt me and he cares about me too much to lose me as a friend because he hurt me. Bah hum bug. He should get over it, I am not his girlfriend anymore, he can date who he wants, I'll hurt either way.
Friday, March 6, 2009
Hard Times
How do you tell someone that you are having a rough semester when every semester has been rough? If rough is the norm, shouldn't you be able to adapt to it? Shouldn't it get easier as you go through it for an extended period of time? I want to tell people I am just having a bad day, or a stressful week, or a hard semester, but I have had quite a few consecutive semesters that I would describe as difficult.
I had to skip my 9am class today because I started crying at the end of my 8am. At 11am, when I was working out, I was seriously considering whether or not I should just go home to Florida and get an apartment there to be with my sister. I would not have to worry about keeping a 3.5 GPA at UCF and I would be close to Mary and there would be no crazy cold weather. The thought even crossed my mind that maybe I should just let me grades slide and lose my scholarship to have an excuse to go back home. Also, I am unsure of where I will be living and with whom I will be rooming with next year.
At the end of the school day, I went back to my room and checked my e-mail and facebook. There was an email in my inbox from the public relations person at Asbury. She said that she had read an article mentioning that an Asbury student was mentoring a little girl through the Amachi program and wanted to know if I (she figured out I was the Asbury student) would be willing to meet for an interview that would appear on the college website. I was curious as to what this article was, so I clicked on the link she gave me (the article that mentioned an Asbury student mentoring). The article described how a 6 year old boy was battling cancer and how a sorority at UK had adopted him and partnered with the family to help. It briefly mentioned the little girl who I will be mentoring and how she was involved with the Amachi program.
In reading about Haley's (the girl) family, her brother, and everything that has happened, I started to cry, but tears of joy. It gave me hope and a reason to be here.
I had to skip my 9am class today because I started crying at the end of my 8am. At 11am, when I was working out, I was seriously considering whether or not I should just go home to Florida and get an apartment there to be with my sister. I would not have to worry about keeping a 3.5 GPA at UCF and I would be close to Mary and there would be no crazy cold weather. The thought even crossed my mind that maybe I should just let me grades slide and lose my scholarship to have an excuse to go back home. Also, I am unsure of where I will be living and with whom I will be rooming with next year.
At the end of the school day, I went back to my room and checked my e-mail and facebook. There was an email in my inbox from the public relations person at Asbury. She said that she had read an article mentioning that an Asbury student was mentoring a little girl through the Amachi program and wanted to know if I (she figured out I was the Asbury student) would be willing to meet for an interview that would appear on the college website. I was curious as to what this article was, so I clicked on the link she gave me (the article that mentioned an Asbury student mentoring). The article described how a 6 year old boy was battling cancer and how a sorority at UK had adopted him and partnered with the family to help. It briefly mentioned the little girl who I will be mentoring and how she was involved with the Amachi program.
In reading about Haley's (the girl) family, her brother, and everything that has happened, I started to cry, but tears of joy. It gave me hope and a reason to be here.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Guard Your Heart
I began lifeguard training last week with the Red Cross. I need to be certified in lifeguarding, as well WSI, in order to work at Kids Across America this summer so that I can teach swimming. Class is a little tough, but enjoyable for the most part. The instructor has an interest in wilderness therapy and EBD/at-risk kids, so I got along well with her when talking about at-risk children and teens. Rachel, a girl from school who is also taking the class, has an interest in wilderness therapy, so all three of us have really good conversations. The instructor, after watching the class help each other learn specific rescues that some of us had trouble with, told me that I would be very good at working with elementary or at-risk students because I have incredible patience. Her words are so encouraging to me because of my love to work with students and what I want to do this summer (work with inner-city teens). Lifeguard training was 9 hours last Saturday, 9 hours last Sunday and will be the same this upcoming Saturday and Sunday, then I am done, certified, officially a lifeguard through the Red Cross -yay.
I started talking to Dawn again this week. I have made a promise for lent: I will go to the eating disorder support group on campus every single week I am in the state of KY during lent. It has been really hard the past two or three weeks to not exercise twice a day. Only once have I given in and actually done cardio twice in one day. SO often I get into bed and feel incredibly gross and want to freak out and go exercise because I feel like I have eaten too much. I have the sensation of wanting to cut or scrub or scratch the fat off of my stomach, even though I know I am fine and that I look good and I even like my body and the way I look.
Even though it's annoying, it's good that Ben asks me every evening if I am coming to dinner and that he encourages me to only work out once a day. When he asks, I know he cares and that he would notice if I was gone. Knowing that he would notice my absence from dinner compells me to go to the cafeteria for meals. No one else asks if I am coming though. I feel like the only reason Ben asks me is because he is seriously hung up on my romantically and would like to date me. I feel like, when he gets over me romantically, he will not ask if I am coming to dinner or care enough to tell me not to exercise too much. I feel like he only cares because he likes me romantically.
I miss having Alex to confide in. I felt like he didn't judge me, didn't try to fix me or always give me advice, he didn't have some theory about why or what I was doing. I felt like he could understand what I was talking about and almost sympathize with how I could feel the way I did. I feel like Ben and Sarah, the only other people who I feel like really care about me and see me on a regular basis, would not be able to understand when I try to tell them what I just described above in feeling like I need to work out more and how I want to cut the "fat" out almost. I felt like, if Alex didn't understand, he would at least admit that he didn't know how to help and that he loved me and wouldn't judge me. Can anyone really care enough about me to check up and see if I have worked out too much or if I have eaten enough if they are not my mother and they are not interested in me romantically? Often, I feel like the only reason guys talk to me for an extended amount of time is because they want me physically sometimes.
Oh, and today in Com 150, we talked about Gottman's Four Horses that predict divorce. My professor had us watch some interviews with couples who were predicted to divorce and, it felt like to me, my professor kind of made fun of/ridiculed the man who had emotionally withdrawn from his wife (even though the man was saying with his mouth that he really wanted to work on things and to connect and communicate). When my prof made fun of the man, it felt like my prof was ridiculing my parents, my family, the divorce, my dad's challenges in connecting with his own wife and daughters. It was an awful feeling and it almost made me cry in class.
P.S.
I really want to make an Orange Yogurt Cake when I get home
I started talking to Dawn again this week. I have made a promise for lent: I will go to the eating disorder support group on campus every single week I am in the state of KY during lent. It has been really hard the past two or three weeks to not exercise twice a day. Only once have I given in and actually done cardio twice in one day. SO often I get into bed and feel incredibly gross and want to freak out and go exercise because I feel like I have eaten too much. I have the sensation of wanting to cut or scrub or scratch the fat off of my stomach, even though I know I am fine and that I look good and I even like my body and the way I look.
Even though it's annoying, it's good that Ben asks me every evening if I am coming to dinner and that he encourages me to only work out once a day. When he asks, I know he cares and that he would notice if I was gone. Knowing that he would notice my absence from dinner compells me to go to the cafeteria for meals. No one else asks if I am coming though. I feel like the only reason Ben asks me is because he is seriously hung up on my romantically and would like to date me. I feel like, when he gets over me romantically, he will not ask if I am coming to dinner or care enough to tell me not to exercise too much. I feel like he only cares because he likes me romantically.
I miss having Alex to confide in. I felt like he didn't judge me, didn't try to fix me or always give me advice, he didn't have some theory about why or what I was doing. I felt like he could understand what I was talking about and almost sympathize with how I could feel the way I did. I feel like Ben and Sarah, the only other people who I feel like really care about me and see me on a regular basis, would not be able to understand when I try to tell them what I just described above in feeling like I need to work out more and how I want to cut the "fat" out almost. I felt like, if Alex didn't understand, he would at least admit that he didn't know how to help and that he loved me and wouldn't judge me. Can anyone really care enough about me to check up and see if I have worked out too much or if I have eaten enough if they are not my mother and they are not interested in me romantically? Often, I feel like the only reason guys talk to me for an extended amount of time is because they want me physically sometimes.
Oh, and today in Com 150, we talked about Gottman's Four Horses that predict divorce. My professor had us watch some interviews with couples who were predicted to divorce and, it felt like to me, my professor kind of made fun of/ridiculed the man who had emotionally withdrawn from his wife (even though the man was saying with his mouth that he really wanted to work on things and to connect and communicate). When my prof made fun of the man, it felt like my prof was ridiculing my parents, my family, the divorce, my dad's challenges in connecting with his own wife and daughters. It was an awful feeling and it almost made me cry in class.
P.S.
I really want to make an Orange Yogurt Cake when I get home
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