Prayer Concerns

Here is a message from Facebook that I sent Mrs. T:

Hello,
I hope your cruise is awesome and that you have a great time with your friends. When we went to lunch a couple weeks ago, you asked if I would like you to pray for me, and so here are a few things I would love for you to focus on specifically (and anything else that you know I will need!):

I am nervous about camp's schedule and not running my day how I want and also about not being able to cook what food I want, so I am truly going to need to let go, stop trying myself, and rely on God's strength and wisdom that the world will not end if I do not feel in control.

Also, men. I am far from over Alex. I think about him every day and still have to turn the radio off if a song comes on that reminds me of him (and there are many songs that do). It feels like I will never get over him sometimes, it has been 5 months. At the same time, I do not want to get to camp and immediately start scoping out the male counselors; I want to be able to focus on the campers. I do not want to get distracted from God or the people that He has strategically crossed my path with.

And of course, I am concerned about breaking down or becoming uncontrollably angry or hysterical in a way that would hurt someone. That goes along with the control thing, though, I suppose.

And, finally, I will not see my sister until the 28th of July (she left last Friday, so it will be about a month and a half total of being apart). Although we are not as close as some sisters, it is hard for me to know that I cannot call her if I need to and she cannot reach me if she wants. She seems terribly unhappy and gets panic attacks a lot, despite the medication and counseling.


Thank you so much for your concern and your time,
Amy

Yay Hair Appointments

I got another hair appointment at a different salon this time. =)

Hair Update

I still hate my hair and want to cry. I took a shower and washed it, hoping it would look better, but it doesn't.

Hair Update

I still hate my hair and want to cry. I took a shower and washed it, hoping it would look better, but it doesn't.

I feel like roaring

Ugh, I hate my hair. I should have never gone to my mom's hair dresser. Mistake Mistake Mistake. It's way too short. I look almost butch. It has a tint of old lady to it. I just hope it grows out quickly. Now I have to go to camp looking like a 60 year old. And I miss Alex and haven't contacted him for 17 days. And I am eating dinner with my dad on Thursday, which is sure to be awkard, and my counselor said not to get my dad a present for Father's day if I do not want to and am only doing it because I "should" or "ought" to.

Pumped Up

If I am in an emotional mood or something, I can often think of my dad and get angry enough to find the emotion and motivation needed to sprint at practice.

What gets Amy angry enough to beat the competition? -Thinking about her dad. Wow...

My sister sent out letters for her missions trip to Jamaica, asking for financial support. She received enough money to go on the trip, but you know what? My dad didn't give her a penny for her trip. He never said a word about it. When my mom told me that last night as we were driving to get frozen yogurt, I almost started crying.

12 Days and Counting

It's been 12 days since I have had any contact with Alex. I have not text or called him and he has not text or called me. It's kinda pathetic that I am counting. He probably has no idea he hasn't talked to me in so long and probably doesn't care. I wish I didn't care. I have to stop myself from contacting him.

Kissing Girls

Sometimes, with my closest girlfriends, I have to stop myself from kissing them on the lips when I greet them or tell them goodbye. I love them a lot and I want them to know and I am such a physical person. I love to touch. I would hold hands with my female friends too, if it were socially acceptable. I mean, I definitely want a man sexually and romantically, not a woman, but I still find myself wishing it was normal to kiss the same gender on the lips.

Fears

So I got into a discussion about a woman's fear of rape... am I the only young female who feels like some of her daily decisions are determined by her vulnerability in that capacity? That it is a daily consideration/fear, even if not always at the forefront of my mind?

Since I broke up with Alex, all of my nightmares have been about rape. I am usually having a good time wherever the dream's setting is, and then all the sudden the tables turn on me. I have either done something I was not aware was taboo or the group I am with has suddenly realized that I am too different from them to be welcome. It is usually a group of men who threatens me and they are always of a minority race. Occasionally, it is only one man threatening me, in which case a chase scene usually ensues.

My mom said that she had a year in high school where she had nightmares with the recurring theme of rape. She was date raped though -I am not sure when, what year, if it was before or after these nightmares.

Yay Milk.

Why am I more hungry at the end of my breakfast than I was at the beginning?

I had a glass of milk, an entire orange, 2 pieces of whole wheat bread, and 2 tablespoons of peanut butter, plus 1/2 a slice of lemon bread. I started my meal at neutral (not hungry, not full), and now I would like to eat like an entire sandwich, but I kinda feel full now. Bah hum bug. I think I will go lift weights at the gym. By the time I get done, it will be time to eat lunch anyway.

I recently discovered just how satisfying milk is. I love drinking it. For a while, I didn't drink any liquids that had calories, so milk was out. Water was the only thing I drank.

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Also, I find myself believing less and less that my dad loves me and knows what love really is.
I find myself believing less and less that Alex ever really loved me like I loved him.
And you know what? Both of them believe they love/d me.

Maturity

For the first time yesterday, I had someone say something that went against what I have heard since I was in elementary school. I have always been told I was mature. Mrs. T and I went to lunch yesterday and talked about what had been going on in my life lately. She told me that I was dealing with things I did "not have the maturity to handle." If I remember correctly, she implied I was not old enough to have the maturity, but I am not sure. No one has ever told me that before. Everyone tells me I am mature for my years, "an old soul." I don't know how to react.

The Same Thing

Since Tuesday night, I had been looking forward to Sunday evening when I would get to see this particular guy at college group. I was so excited that I wore a dress, heels, and a full face of make up (eye shadow included). To be honest, he was the only reason I went to college group and might be the only reason I am going back to the Bible study on Tuesday night. It was pretty boring, sitting through an entire 2 hour ordeal at college group and listening to everyone trying to debate theology. Most of the kids took the stance that theology doesn't matter and so we shouldn't argue about it though. I think, for most people, that is just a cop out. It allows them to be lazy, not have to dig deeper and actually do the work of getting to know God, discovering who He is. Maybe they are scared, not lazy.

The one good thing that came out of college group was that I was able to have a good conversation with Mrs. Travers and tell her a brief overview of my life for the past two years; I had wanted to do that last week, but the opportunity didn't present itself. I really like Mrs. Travers and would love to form a deep relationship with her.

While sitting in college group, I decided I would go rent Meet Joe Black when the group was over. I called Matt and invited him to come watch it with me at my house. Of course, I cried during it. I just don't understand how such a wonderful man (Bill Parish) can love one daughter so completely to the point that she is the sun in her universe and only just plain love the other. Of course, it is the other daughter, the one with the plain love, that works so hard to make her father happy. It hurt to watch. I cried a little through out the movie. Matt asked about Alex and I told him about my conversation Saturday night with Alex. I was close to breaking out in sobs when I told Matt about what Alex and I had said the previous night.

Alex had text me at midnight and we started talking about what I had been thinking of earlier: how I don't know if I am crying for my relationship with my dad or with Alex and how in many ways they are the same relationship and so I am crying for the same thing when I cry for either. He told me he agreed that he sometimes felt I was expecting him to fill a father-role in my life instead of a companion or partner role. He also said that he is ashamed that was such a horrible boyfriend and is an a** for treating me so and hurting me again similarly to the way my father hurt me. He said he is interested in dating a girl, but doesn't think he has changed since breaking up with me and does not want to date another girl if he is just going to hurt her like he did me.

-Well, I have to go now, I have an appointment with the nutritionist Dawn recommended, then I am lifting weights, home for lunch and a nap, then swim practice.