Major melt down today in the hotel in Nashville. I was so stressed. Annoyed at the girls I had come with and distracted by homework, I couldn't get myself to relax and have fun. I was on the verge of crying all morning and finally broke down around 3pm. I cried to my mom about stress, how I was annoyed, how I just wanted to go home and do homework.

Then, Ben and Bekah called and said they were coming into nashville and wanted to go out and take me with them. Everything changed. I felt so much better. The tension left me and I didn't feel like I needed to do school work. I am gonna go out to dinner with them and Ben's brother now, yay. I feel much better, though my make up is crazy due to all the water works.

Email to the Student Body VP

Hey Micah,
I am beginning to get super-stressed about the FSC. I had 2 members, but not even one of them has shown up for the past 2 meetings because their classes ran over or they slept through it or they forgot. One of those members just quit. I am more stressed because I had hoped to meet up with my sister in Nashville the week before Thanksgiving break (the 21st) and drive home to Florida with them, skipping Mon and Tues classes, but I need to be here on the 22nd to set up for the turkey carving on the 22nd because I don't have anyone I can count on to take over for setting up tables for carvers, decorating tables and organizing carvers, and tear down.
So I just kinda thought I would throw all that out there... I think that was more for my stress-relief than your update...
-Amy

Stress:
Mom and Mary looking into moving to Nashville
Summer job/internship applications
Not exercising on Saturday this week
Trying to get 10 hours of community service
Amachi mentoring program being on one day and off the next
Being the CEO of my Non-Profit Group in Soc Class
Weekly 5 page Charalambakis papers
CRAZY AMOUNTS OF READING THAT I NEVER FINISH!
Nannying 15 hours a week and still feeling pressed for money

Broken Up. Or so we thought.

I am afraid that I won't heal and mature and move past my issues and will end up being as emotionally crippled and unable to have a good marriage as my parents.

My mom called me on Friday night to tell me she broke up with Ernie. I was so happy. I mean, she shouldn't be with someone who is as old as my grandpa and has kids that are her age. Also, he told her that they either be physically involved, or he didn't want to be involved at all with her (that was back in last school year). So she finally broke it off Friday.... then I get a call Sunday night and she mentions that Ernie called her and asked her on a date for Thursday night. Ugh.

She said that he apologized and is content now with casual dating where he picks her up at the door, they go out to dinner, and he drops her off at the door, and nothing more than that. Apparently they are in a relationship, but it isn't serious. I was so shocked. I didn't know what to say.

I called her today and told her that I felt that Ernie was not a righteuous man or a man after God's heart and she agreed. I told her that she should only date men who are righteous and are Godly and she disagreed. She feels that, since things aren't serious with Ernie, it doesn't matter what kind of man he is. Argh, she shouldn't date someone if she is not serious, especially at age 56 with 2 kids.

Oh, and, not serious? Ernie picked Mary up from school today and gave her some food for my mom and her to eat for dinner tonight.

Just Say No

I left my spinning class halfway through tonight and went to get a shake instead. I had already run 4 miles and lifted weights and at about 20 minutes into the spinning class, I thought to myself, "I shouldn't be here after doing all that exercise earlier, but if I go the whole hour, I will let myself eat that milkshake that I want." That was a scary though. What if it gets to be, "if you go one more hour, you can eat dinner"?. I don't want to get like that. So I stopped at the half hour mark of the class and went an got that shake anyway.

After I left the gym, I went grocery shopping. I wanted to buy cereal and went over to look at all the Kashi stuff. Then I realized I don't even like Kashi cereal. I just tell myself I like it because it feels healthy. I didn't buy it =). It was hard not to buy it. I now have Cinnamon Chex on top of the fridge instead.


Sometimes I feel like I am the only person who wants to choose the healthy/fitness thing, but knows it is better in the long run not to. I mean, I had to force myself to leave my class at the gym and go get a milkshake...

Journaling

I journaled this at Break Up Group today. I feel like I should mention that my grandparents' backyard was a steep, hillside in a forest. There were 99 steps down to the very center of the tiny valley. You would never have found the steps if you had not known they were there; they were covered in moss and too steep for my grandmother to make it down. At the bottom of the steps, you were totally cut off from the world. Looking up, you would not even know there was human life for miles around, except for the small bench just to the left of the stairs. The bench was built as a place to sit and enjoy the area where the small stream pooled up. The stream was the center point of the valley. The water just barely trickled through the stream and was probably only 2 or 3 inches deep and 3 or 4 feet wide, if that. Fallen trees lined the sides, as well as seasons of dead of foliage. I loved to sit and watch the water, while other times I would walk down the stream to until the branches became to thick for me to go any further. It was safe and quiet. I don't remember going down with other people often.

I wish I could go out to the trails at school by the barn and play in the stream naked. I could go at night when no one was around, but I wouldn't feel safe, I would want a man to come with me. I wish I was married so I could have a man come with me and feel secure and right about being naked around him.