Professional Suit

I feel like everything has a good chance of coming together for life-after-college. I would love to work in intelligence and feel like I might actually stand a chance to do so. I am going to a career fair Thursday to talk to a particular agency. I don't own much professional clothes though, so I went out shopping for a suit yesterday and had soooo much fun. For about $300, I got a suit (shirt and jacket, I already owned pants for it), a dress, a hat, and a cute motorcycle-like jacket. The jacket I got at The Limited is in the picture to the right. I am putting a light pink blouse from Ann Taylor under it.

I hope I get an internship this summer for the experience, but also so that I can have an excuse to expand my professional wardrobe. Suits are so much fun!

3 Little Words

So as I hung up the phone tonight, I thought about how good it is to hear that Ms. T loves me. Out of all the people who are in my life who have told me that they love me, there is something different when she says it. When she says "I love you," it feels more real than any other time anyone else has said it to me. I feel like she really means it. She is sincere. I feel like other people like me, but I can actually believe that Ms. T has a real love for me. I know others love me, but it somehow hits me more and seems more sincere when I hear it from her. Even when my mom and dad say it, it feels empty. The way Ms. T says "I love you," I want to cry because I feel her love in her words.

I hope that I can learn to say "I love you" like she does.

The way I say it now, it feels flat and and sounds like when others (except Ms. T) say it to me.

Desperate

I am so sick of being alone. I am pretty sure I am desperate, and I am pretty sure that one cannot find someone if desperate because desperation is just plain unattractive and probably unhealthy. Dang it.

Please disregard this post, there are various times where I actually find myself not wanting a significant other, occasionally. It's hard on days like today though, when I spend 10 of the 16 hours of my day alone with an 18 month old and and go straight home to do school work with no one to talk to or pay attention to me.

A Break Up Moment

So my good friend who knows Ed all too well emailed me and wrote about how her house-mates (she is Italy) approached her about her eating habits, how they had been suspicious since the 2nd day of the semester. She cried and was honest with them, but they shame and guilt she feels is so strong. I emailed her back with this:

Oh baby girl, I am so sorry you feel this. I am so sorry you feel the guilt and the shame too. I have to remind myself constantly that guilt and shame are not of God.

The truth is Amy+Ed is outraged that your protection has been stripped, that your deepest hurt has been revealed to people who may or may not understand. However, I must say that Amy+Jesus has been praying that God would work powerfully during your time in Italy, especially in relation to Ed.

Honestly, Ed is so deceptive. I call him Ed because he is like a controlling boyfriend and can be emotionally and physically abusive. He promises that he will love you, but then only tears you down and tells you horrible lies. He promises that you will have friends and not be lonely, but then he keeps you only for himself and guilt trips you if you want to spend time with someone else or do something he doesn't want to do. Breaking up is so hard, so scary, because he is so manipulative. He will say and do anything when we try to leave him.

I don't know if I would call Ed "a" sin. Sin puts us in chains, keeps us from God. Bondage puts us in chains, keeps us from God. Ed puts us in change and keeps us from God.
Does that make sense? We are sinful people. We are in bondage to sin. We are in bondage to Ed. But the truth is, everyone is bondage to sin -Ed makes us much more aware of our chains. But Jesus sets us free from the bondage of sin, you and I both know that. I don't think I would have ever understood the concept of being "in bondage to sin" if not got Ed. Freedom reigns in this place, baby.

Don't let anyone tell you, "this is something that you will deal with for the rest of your life." I have had well-meaning people tell me that, but it is a lie. Jesus has set us free, girl. His power and dominion do not exclude Ed.

Baby girl, I love you so much and am praying for you.

I have been thinking about what you said the other day about finding freedom and being scared. It's so frightening. The "what ifs" start coming and I get scared about losing this "control" that actually makes me out of control. I get scared and it's so stupid and I know it. Why do I get scared of something good?

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This I did not put in my email, decided not to, but I wrote it and want to share it here:

Also, I know there are so many lies out there, so much shame. I feel so much shame at the lies, "only stupid girls get Eds; only shallow girls would be dumb enough to actually fear gaining weight this excessively; you're immature because otherwise you would not be dealing with such a materialistic and girly teen issue." It's so connected with ditzy, stupid girls who don't understand the way their body works. I just think "stupid" when I think of a girl who has an Ed. Ed screams "You're stupid for doing these things, you can't tell anyone about me!" But All of those are lies. They are such good sounding lies though. Ed loves to tell me them because they push me closer to him and farther away from people.

The Day After

It's official, Valentine's Day is worse the day after. I like the actual day 'cus all the single people band together, but the day after just leaves me alone while the couples all have afterglow.

My roommate and her ex still hang out all the time (as I mentioned last night): they make out, she calls him when she is upset, and he cares. My ex doesn't even care enough to hate me, he simply does not care about me. Why do I still care enough to want to hate him and am tempted to run my car into his every time I see it?

One of my guy friends who I kinda kept around 'cus he was nice and complimented me, but I told him I didn't want to date, is dating this super nice girl who he doesn't deserve. And the guy I like is just playing me.

Roomie...

My roommate keeps hanging out with her ex-fiance. She wont tell me where she went today and when I asked if it was with her ex-fiance, she stressed that it was none of my business. Now she and him (and 3 other friends just walked in) are watching a movie in our room. I want to study. I went to Mr. GQ (comical men's pageant at school) and Ladies' Night Out last night with her instead of studying, now I really need to write my paper.

Anxious Email

I wrote this letter to my sister's and my counselor today. She specializes in eating disorders and teen girls. It is by the providence of God that one of my mentors suggested this counselor before I even knew of my struggle.

Hi D,
I know that you are on maternity leave and so taking advantage of the time you can spend with your baby girl, but my sister has me really worried.
She started texting me last night telling me how she had eaten breakfast, came home from school and tried to throw it up, then got two bites of a jello cup (sugar free, so only 5 calories) down and felt so gross that she took a razor blood and started cutting her thighs. I told her I was sad she felt so alone and that I understood how scary things can feel. I asked her to text or call me when she feels stressed.
She texted me this morning telling me that she couldn't even eat a jello cup this morning and when she went to put on her jeans, they ripped, which started her screaming at the mirror, "I hate you, you're fat and ugly, everyone hates you and thinks you're fat and ugly" and other similar things.
I don't know what to do. Alice Baker and I have been talking regularly, she's asked me to go 5 weeks of 5 days of exercise and then, on the 6th week, not exercise at all. I am on day 5 of the 6th week and have not even had a fat attack =). I don't think Mary wants to talk things through with me, though I am gonna make more of an effort to talk (not just text) now. Oh, and my mom and Ernie are engaged, though I am thinking that my mom will break it off.

If my sister asked asked, would it be possible for you to see her? I don't know if she'll ask, since she knows your kinda off work for a while. I am worried about her.

Thanks,
A

Well Meaning Prof

So my Theology prof was talking about free will today and decided to use me as example. He wanted to use as student as an example of how humans have choices and do not feel that God forces them into specific choices. Of course, he used me as an example.

He asked me what I ate for lunch today and then kept talking about how I could have eaten other things, added other foods to my meal, made it more or less healthy, and kept returning to the subject/example through out that class. Then, as if I wasn't uncomfortable enough, he talked about how my boyfriend (he just assumed I had one, didn't bother to ask if I did or not) had a choice of where to take me for valentines day and that he would surely take me to maloneys (fancy steak house) because he loved me. Worst class period, meh.

It's hard for me to eat this week since I am not exercising, I wish he wouldn't have used me in relation to food as an example, especially this week. Then I also had a relapse in getting over Alex this week, so of course he mentions me in relation to a boyfriend. I know he didn't mean to upset me and that he has no idea what is going on in my personal life, but it's just so ironic that he picked me on this week to use as such an example.

Engaged... Not me.

At about 7:45am on Monday morning, my mother called me and asked, "Did your sister call you last night?" -Now, you know that, when you reply with "no" and your mom sighs in relief, that there is something bad about to go down.

So, she went on to tell me that Ernie asked her to marry him the night before. I had to ask her what her answer was. She has a $4,000-$8,000 ring on her finger (my mom looked up similar rings at the store where he bought it and came up with those numbers).

While I talked to her, she kept asking me my opinion and whether I liked him and how I felt about it. I felt like she wanted me to say, "I hate this idea, don't do it" because she wanted to feel like she was being attacked, victimized, and would have to defend herself. What I told her was that I believed she was old enough, and had lived enough, to make her own decisions and that she knew herself best.

It's not like this wasn't expected. Ernie is selling his house, she has been looking at new and smaller houses with him, and she has been talking about selling our house. My room is actually going to be painted yellow this week (I JUST painted it lilac this summer!) in order to help sell the house.

I am allowed to plan the wedding though, so that's nice. Mom says it's not gonna be 'till December (that's enough time for her to change her mind and back out, I think). It won't be as much fun planning a low-key, less-than-25-guest wedding, but it's the best I've got for now.

I had a relapse Friday night though. The content-being-single feelings wore off after the 4th week of being surrounded by couples, not to mention my roommate and her ex-fiance constantly hanging out. I cried myself to sleep over my ex. It was stupid, but it happened. I feel pathetic.

In other new, I got Skype! It's quite fun. I got to talk to one of my oldest friends, Adam, on it. Haven't had a real conversation with him in months.

It's Coming

Woo, I start my week off of exercise on Sunday. Scary.

My friend had a bad day yesterday. The previous night, she and her ex-bf went too far, all the way, for the first time. They are both good kids and were committed to staying pure till marriage. She was heart broken. It was devastating. I asked what she wanted and she said pizza. So we ordered pizza and I manned up and ate 3 pieces for the first time without feeling guilty or gross =).

I am dreading next week though. I am scared I will have fat attacks, which I have not had in months. They are awful. They make me understand why my friend cut herself on her stomach (I feel that gross that I would want to scratch all the "fat" off). I don't want to feel that way. I am planning on still getting up at 6-ish, but instead of going to the gym, I will spend my morning in prayer in Hughes.

Tomorrow should be fun though. I am going to the 5:30am lap swimming class at the gym in the city. I hope it is good. I miss swimming with a team and having a coach to help with stroke work.