My first night at Sunglass Hut, this guy in his 20's came in looking for some glasses to wear while riding his motorcycle. We started talking and hit it off really well, but he didn't buy anything. He came back a week later and we realized we like the same kind of Christian music and I wrote down some good venues around town because I discovered that he was new (internship at Florida Hospital). We also talked about going to small Christian colleges and what missions trips in which we had participated.
I didn't see him again until just after closing the store another week later. He asked if I wanted to go the beach with him and other hospital interns and so I gave him my number to call me with details. He called me a few days before the scheduled beach trip and asked if I wanted to go bowling with him and the other interns, so that I could be sure I wanted to spend an entire beach day with them. I went, even though I don't enjoy bowling much, and liked what I saw. They are in school to be RNs, by the way.
So I went to the beach with them today and had a blast. Stephen (the guy, who mary calls Med Kid) and I made a sandcastle and then started to focus more on making a wall to protect the sandcastle. We watched the shuttle go up, went to Red Lobster (I got to have a sip of Cooper's mudslide, since all of them are over 21 and I am not), got stuck in traffic for 2 hours, and even got a burrito at Beto's on the way home. It was good day and I miss Alex.
Though Stephen seems like a great guy, all I want is Alex. Goodness, Stephen is 25... I thought Alex was old, haha. Oh I am so excited to see Mr. Losekamp. Only nine weeks 'till I see him. It's funny, when Stephen grabbed my arm today, it was such a funny feeling. I haven't been touched by a guy other than Alex in so long. Stephen touching my arm (to say something serious about music or our upbringing/parents) only made me long for Alex more.
Saturday, May 31, 2008
Friday, May 30, 2008
Ticket to Indiana
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Oh, and P.S., Alex and I bought a ticket for me to fly to Indiana. I leave the evening of August 1st and return the evening of August 4. So about 3 days, really. Nine weeks until I see him. It has only been two so far and it's getting pretty tough. I love hearing his voice every night, but I really miss his touch. Staring into his eyes brings me into another world and am so eager to go there again.
Motives
I feel like I have been making my dad look like a jerk when I talk about him. He's not a jerk. I mean, he hasn't cheated on my mom, he goes to work every morning and comes home from evening, he read the entire Little House on the Prairie series to me, he volunteers at church, and he even leads Bible studies periodically.
I just wish he would find a two bedroom condo so that Mary and I could spend the night at his place sometime. Mom says he didn't get a two bedroom 'cus he doesn't believe that Mary and I would want to spend the night and he doesn't want us to feel obligated to spend time with him. If that's true, I don't know where he got that idea from -Mary and I don't call him every night asking him to hang out with us, but I think that's 'cus we wish that, for once, he would call us and plan an activity.
It's funny though, everything about my dad that I have thought about recently, I never even had an inkling of before college. I never saw it before then. Now I see it everywhere. I hope I am not judging him too harshly. But for goodness sakes, mom+Mary+me spent two hours with him on Sunday going through advertisements and telling him what kind of desktop we wanted/asking his opinion. However, he then goes and buys a laptop (with nothing near the specifications we had discussed) and gets ticked off when we tell him that we told him we wanted something else (the desktop we wanted was cheaper than what he bought us...). He threatened to make my mom pay for the laptop that he supposedly brought over as a "gift." Gift? I think it was more like, "I bought you this lovely laptop (that you didn't want), so that proves I am a good person, please let me move back in and just forget this divorce thing."
He has changed his actions slightly, but I feel like his motivation is to convince my mom not to divorce, whereas what it needs to be is to love my mom and my sister and me. Most of his actions alone would seem to say he cares, but it just feels like he is trying to desperately to persuade instead of desperately wanting to get to know us and have deep relationships with us.
I just wish he would find a two bedroom condo so that Mary and I could spend the night at his place sometime. Mom says he didn't get a two bedroom 'cus he doesn't believe that Mary and I would want to spend the night and he doesn't want us to feel obligated to spend time with him. If that's true, I don't know where he got that idea from -Mary and I don't call him every night asking him to hang out with us, but I think that's 'cus we wish that, for once, he would call us and plan an activity.
It's funny though, everything about my dad that I have thought about recently, I never even had an inkling of before college. I never saw it before then. Now I see it everywhere. I hope I am not judging him too harshly. But for goodness sakes, mom+Mary+me spent two hours with him on Sunday going through advertisements and telling him what kind of desktop we wanted/asking his opinion. However, he then goes and buys a laptop (with nothing near the specifications we had discussed) and gets ticked off when we tell him that we told him we wanted something else (the desktop we wanted was cheaper than what he bought us...). He threatened to make my mom pay for the laptop that he supposedly brought over as a "gift." Gift? I think it was more like, "I bought you this lovely laptop (that you didn't want), so that proves I am a good person, please let me move back in and just forget this divorce thing."
He has changed his actions slightly, but I feel like his motivation is to convince my mom not to divorce, whereas what it needs to be is to love my mom and my sister and me. Most of his actions alone would seem to say he cares, but it just feels like he is trying to desperately to persuade instead of desperately wanting to get to know us and have deep relationships with us.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Back to Dad
Ok, so here's the deal: Parentals are divorcing. My mom is tired of my dad "not being part of the family," but my dad still wants to stay with us. Gah, there is so much to say on this subject, I have no clue where to start.
Well, if anyone had asked me last year whether my dad loved me, I would have quickly replied, "yes." However, now I would most likely reply, "....yeah."
My mom has been complaining for years that my dad was pretty much emotionally unavailable past a certain point. She would complain that he just sat fiddling with his computer as soon as he would get home, eat dinner with us, then go back to his laptop, then go to bed.
I never realized how right she was until this year. I am not sure if it was living outside of my house or my mom finally asking my dad for a divorce that helped me to realize she was correct.
I went a home to see my sister sing in her school musical (she was the lead) about three weeks before school ended. On my way to the airport to go back to school, I realized I forgot my cellphone. On the plane to Louisville, I realized I left my keys in Florida (the keys to my car that I was supposed to driver from Louisville to Lexington to get back). I had to use my few spare quarters to call my mom in Florida and ask her to call Alex with my cell phone on Sunday morning at 10am. Alex said that as soon as her heard my mom's voice from my cell phone number, he knew something was wrong and immediately jumped out of bed and pulled on some jeans. Alex called all of our friends until he found someone to drive him (and my spare key) to Louisville.
Even though he had a paper due the next day and wasn't even close to finishing ::cough:: starting ::cough:: it, Alex told me that the thought of not coming to get me never even entered his mind. He was so nice when he finally found me at the airport, he never complained once about pretty much wasting the entire day because I did something stupid, he was just glad I was ok. When he was down here for a week, he told my mom that he had never been so worried and hated not being able to know for sure if I was ok (because I had left my phone in Florida too).
When I thought about it, my dad would have never acted like Alex. My dad would have mumbled about all the things he had planned that day and then have tried to finish some of them before coming to get me. So, about 2 or 3 hours after my call, he would have felt ready to leave, then, once he got me, he would have mumbled about his plans for that day every time we got behind a slow car or stopped at a red light. Alex didn't do any of that, not once.
I guess I just never saw how selfish my dad was. I know he cared for me, but I just don't know it is possible for him to really love someone how someone would ideally be loved. He had a pretty cold upbringing from his parents (no hugs, never saying "I love you"). My dad has tried to compensate and not be like his parents by saying "I love you" and "You know I love you, right?" fairly often, but those words can only go so far.
Well, if anyone had asked me last year whether my dad loved me, I would have quickly replied, "yes." However, now I would most likely reply, "....yeah."
My mom has been complaining for years that my dad was pretty much emotionally unavailable past a certain point. She would complain that he just sat fiddling with his computer as soon as he would get home, eat dinner with us, then go back to his laptop, then go to bed.
I never realized how right she was until this year. I am not sure if it was living outside of my house or my mom finally asking my dad for a divorce that helped me to realize she was correct.
I went a home to see my sister sing in her school musical (she was the lead) about three weeks before school ended. On my way to the airport to go back to school, I realized I forgot my cellphone. On the plane to Louisville, I realized I left my keys in Florida (the keys to my car that I was supposed to driver from Louisville to Lexington to get back). I had to use my few spare quarters to call my mom in Florida and ask her to call Alex with my cell phone on Sunday morning at 10am. Alex said that as soon as her heard my mom's voice from my cell phone number, he knew something was wrong and immediately jumped out of bed and pulled on some jeans. Alex called all of our friends until he found someone to drive him (and my spare key) to Louisville.
Even though he had a paper due the next day and wasn't even close to finishing ::cough:: starting ::cough:: it, Alex told me that the thought of not coming to get me never even entered his mind. He was so nice when he finally found me at the airport, he never complained once about pretty much wasting the entire day because I did something stupid, he was just glad I was ok. When he was down here for a week, he told my mom that he had never been so worried and hated not being able to know for sure if I was ok (because I had left my phone in Florida too).
When I thought about it, my dad would have never acted like Alex. My dad would have mumbled about all the things he had planned that day and then have tried to finish some of them before coming to get me. So, about 2 or 3 hours after my call, he would have felt ready to leave, then, once he got me, he would have mumbled about his plans for that day every time we got behind a slow car or stopped at a red light. Alex didn't do any of that, not once.
I guess I just never saw how selfish my dad was. I know he cared for me, but I just don't know it is possible for him to really love someone how someone would ideally be loved. He had a pretty cold upbringing from his parents (no hugs, never saying "I love you"). My dad has tried to compensate and not be like his parents by saying "I love you" and "You know I love you, right?" fairly often, but those words can only go so far.
Growing Up/My Dad
It's summer. I survived finals week and the 15 hour drive home to Florida.
Alex drove down to Orlando with me and spent a week here. We went to the beach, walked around Lake Lily, visited Northland, and just enjoyed each other's presence. Oh, and the constantly being next to him, holding his hand, climbing into bed with him in the morning, take naps together in the afternoon, being on a couch or bed (not a car), staring into his eyes for minutes without being interrupted, etc. was incredible.
I was able to attend prom this past Saturday and see a lot of my old friends. I danced for almost four hours straight and my legs are still sore! I danced with boys this year, which I had never done before. It sounds so lame, but dancing like that with boys just doesn't very appropriate. I only danced with three, though other guys did try. I let Vince, Bailey (who is gay), and Dearik. I know I can trust them not to... do anything disrespectful. Even if Vince is a bit of a party kid/player, he knows who I am and that I am not like most of the girls he knows, and so I knew I could trust him to not treat me how he would usually treat a girl dancing with him (I assumed correctly).
After Prom, I went to Kristen's house and slept on her couch with Kara and Dearik. We watched a few movies (there were about 20 kids there total), ate some food, and talked. Oh, and Matt even bought me and Lauren corsages because he knew we didn't have dates. ::long, girly "awwww"::
Gah, I have 4 minutes or so before I need to leave for work and I haven't even gotten to going over to Alec's dad house at the beach (and riding in his 2005 porsche) or, more importantly, my parents and how I viewed my dad growing and how/if that is changing now.
Alex drove down to Orlando with me and spent a week here. We went to the beach, walked around Lake Lily, visited Northland, and just enjoyed each other's presence. Oh, and the constantly being next to him, holding his hand, climbing into bed with him in the morning, take naps together in the afternoon, being on a couch or bed (not a car), staring into his eyes for minutes without being interrupted, etc. was incredible.
I was able to attend prom this past Saturday and see a lot of my old friends. I danced for almost four hours straight and my legs are still sore! I danced with boys this year, which I had never done before. It sounds so lame, but dancing like that with boys just doesn't very appropriate. I only danced with three, though other guys did try. I let Vince, Bailey (who is gay), and Dearik. I know I can trust them not to... do anything disrespectful. Even if Vince is a bit of a party kid/player, he knows who I am and that I am not like most of the girls he knows, and so I knew I could trust him to not treat me how he would usually treat a girl dancing with him (I assumed correctly).
After Prom, I went to Kristen's house and slept on her couch with Kara and Dearik. We watched a few movies (there were about 20 kids there total), ate some food, and talked. Oh, and Matt even bought me and Lauren corsages because he knew we didn't have dates. ::long, girly "awwww"::
Gah, I have 4 minutes or so before I need to leave for work and I haven't even gotten to going over to Alec's dad house at the beach (and riding in his 2005 porsche) or, more importantly, my parents and how I viewed my dad growing and how/if that is changing now.
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