So Not Cool.

Saturday night I got a text from Austin asking to take me to dinner and to talk. I kinda figured he was either gonna ask to date me officially, or he was going to break it off. It was the latter.

We went to dinner and at the cash register, he didn't go for his wallet, but neither did I. The girl at the counter asked if it was going to be together or separate and he awkwardly fumbled so I said "together" and look at him, since he was the one who asked me out to talk. I have paid for everything or we have gone dutch, so I decided he could pay for this one. I feel especially good about my decision to make him pay now that I know he was planning on breaking it off.

He started by saying that he had underestimated how much I liked him. He then said that introverts and extroverts do not have lasting relationships and he could never be with an introvert like me. I asked him what he thought I did to act like an introvert and he replied "you are happy being alone, you like to read, and you want to be an intelligence analyst."

I said that it was ok and that he was making this harder than he needed to with his explanations and reasoning (which was BS, btw). I also said that I still thought it was a bad idea for him to hang out with his ex. His response was to begin gushing about how much she had changed from when they broke up, how she was in love with God and just wanted to spend all her time with Him, how she had told Austin that she didn't need him anymore. He swore that he had been thinking of breaking it off with me before Alyssa started speaking to him again... Even IF he had thought about it before, I believe Alyssa was a huge catalyst that might not have inspired him to break it off if she hadn't come back into the picture. He still swears he doesn't like her "like that," but I don't believe him. I ended up texting his mom to come and pick him up at the restaurant. I detested the idea of giving him a ride home.

It doesn't matter anyway. He obviously was not interest enough to make it last, so I guess I am better off in the long run without him.

Scary.

Btw, I needed to talk to someone last night when I texted Austin 'cus, the way my sister is acting, it seems like it might be a good idea to institutionalize her.

She gets upset over everything to the point that she threatens suicide when she finds out she won't have her car for a week because the radiator is gone (even though my mom said she'd pay for the radiator to be fixed, $2-3,000). I should say that my sister drove into a rushing river of water at 35mph or so during a Florida torrential downpour, which tore off her front bumper and ruined her radiator as the bumper scraped under the car.

She refuses to ride in the same car as me or my mom, so if we go anywhere, we always have to take 2-3 cars. She wouldn't even ride with my mom when my mom went to get my g-ma's car for her. My mom had to ask her boyfriend to drive up with her so she could drive the car back home.

When she gets really stressed, she'll either have panic attacks or she will rock back and forth and compulsively grab her hands over and over. Sometimes she'll scream about how she thinks no one likes her ("not even the shrink, who I pay!"), how she thinks she is fat, how she always messes up and how she thinks I am perfect for some reason.

She has anti-anxiety medicine. She is only supposed to be taking 4 pills at a time. She took 12 yesterday (I mean, it won't hurt her, but still...). She threatens suicide every few weeks.

We had to get the doctor to sign a form saying she is mentally unsound so that she could get a teacher to bring school to her at home, since she hates school so much and got suspended because she refused to take off her hat and because she missed so many days her credits were going to be revoked if she didn't do community service.

My mom keeps giving into her (fixing her car, borrowing my g-ma's car so she isn't car-less next week, selling the house to send her to boarding school). Not giving in and finding that she is dead is horrible, but giving in to her does not help either. I don't see many options.

Ex or Bestfriend?

I told you about Austin, right? and how we had a DTR a couple weeks ago?
-Well, he dated his "bestfriend" and broke up with her in December, right? He has complained to me before that he wasn't heartbroken because he lost his love, but that he was extremely sad and lonely because he lost his bestfriend. To me, your gf'/love should be your bestfriend, so I don't really differentiate between what he says. He was heart broken, in my opinion.

Well, back to my story, that "bestfriend" didn't talk to him for 5 months after breaking up, then she suddenly decided on Wednesday night to call him up and talk for 2 hours like nothing happened. He texted me about it and how excited he was that he "got [his] bestfriend back."

I decided to keep my mouth shut and ignore it cus it will probably pass over anyway.

I was willing to let it slide, to just let him figure out she isn't good for him on his own. But last night my sister had a melt down and I really needed to talk to someone. Around 5 or 6pm I texted him that I needed to vent and talk to someone and asked if I could come over. He said "hahah, I guess," clearly not grasping how serious I was. So I said, "yes? I can come over then?" He never replied.

I texted him a few hours later to ask what he was up to and he replied that he was at Alyssa's house (his "bestfriend") baking cookies.

I told him that I needed to talk to him. When he finally called me at 1am, I told him that I know I have no right to be jealous, since he and I are not dating, but that we did promise to explore whether we wanted to court. He says they are just friends, but he doesn't get it. He doesn't understand that it really is impossible for a girl and a guy (who have dated and gone as far as he went with her) to completely be "just friends."

Even if he CAN be just friends with her, it is not appropriate or fair to me. It is also just not smart. No matter how good of friends they were. I don't care. He needs to respect me if he is going to be serious about thinking about courting.

I think I am gonna cut him off. I don't want to. But I also can't be his "back pocket girl", especially not for a 17 year old. I need to draw a line and have boundaries; I also need to respect myself. Continuing to hang out with him when he hangs out with his ex/best friend does not show self-respect. One could argue that I don't trust him, but I don't think he should be putting me in this specific position that "forces" trust.

On a scale of...

On a scale of -10 to +10, 0 being neutral, -10 being the feeling of causing the death of your entire family, +10 is winning $10 trillion and solving world hunger:

How I feel when I make out with someone I don't love: -6/7.
How I feel when I make the right decision to not go along with a booty call: 1, maybe a 2.

Why can't I feel just as ecstatic about doing the godly thing as I feel bad about doing the wrong thing?

The only thing that really kept me from going with my friend last night was that it wasn't fair to Austin.

Omgosh, I saw the musical Spring Awakening tonight and it was such a fantastic show. I thought it was going to be crude, since the entire story focuses on teens, coming of age, and sexuality, but it was really good!

Pic for the Curious

Btw, here is a pic of Austin and me at Jr-Sr. Not the best pic ever, but w/e.

One Good DTR

Austin and I had a Define The Relationship (DTR) tonight and discussed everything. I mean long distance, him being in school, me graduating, dating, courting, the age thing, our pasts, w/e else you can think of. We decided we are not dating. We kind of also decided on an intentionally spending time together in order to evaluate the possibility of courting once he graduates (from high school).
Also, we went to Starbucks to talk and as soon as we got there, when we were ordering, the Barista said, "you two are such a good looking couple." All I could think of was, "omgosh, could she have picked a more awkward time to say that???"

Summer Time and Internships

Ok, So I definitely owe this blog a post.
Everything got so crazy with final papers and exams (and getting them done early so I could relax and enjoy being with my friends).

Real quick update:
I have suddenly realized that there might actually be a chance that I could fall for Austin.
Austin flew up to KY to take me to the formal and was so polite and positive.
The triathlon is in just 11 days (Austin is running it with me).
I picked up my road bike and am loving it.
My internship with Orlando has begun well. I am mostly doing PR stuff so far.
I will be going to DC for July and half of August for internship with my state representative.

As to what I am thinking about...
People never grow up. Even when they are 50 and in meetings, they still act like they did in high school.
Also, I don't think anyone ever actually feels like an adult