The Same Thing

Since Tuesday night, I had been looking forward to Sunday evening when I would get to see this particular guy at college group. I was so excited that I wore a dress, heels, and a full face of make up (eye shadow included). To be honest, he was the only reason I went to college group and might be the only reason I am going back to the Bible study on Tuesday night. It was pretty boring, sitting through an entire 2 hour ordeal at college group and listening to everyone trying to debate theology. Most of the kids took the stance that theology doesn't matter and so we shouldn't argue about it though. I think, for most people, that is just a cop out. It allows them to be lazy, not have to dig deeper and actually do the work of getting to know God, discovering who He is. Maybe they are scared, not lazy.

The one good thing that came out of college group was that I was able to have a good conversation with Mrs. Travers and tell her a brief overview of my life for the past two years; I had wanted to do that last week, but the opportunity didn't present itself. I really like Mrs. Travers and would love to form a deep relationship with her.

While sitting in college group, I decided I would go rent Meet Joe Black when the group was over. I called Matt and invited him to come watch it with me at my house. Of course, I cried during it. I just don't understand how such a wonderful man (Bill Parish) can love one daughter so completely to the point that she is the sun in her universe and only just plain love the other. Of course, it is the other daughter, the one with the plain love, that works so hard to make her father happy. It hurt to watch. I cried a little through out the movie. Matt asked about Alex and I told him about my conversation Saturday night with Alex. I was close to breaking out in sobs when I told Matt about what Alex and I had said the previous night.

Alex had text me at midnight and we started talking about what I had been thinking of earlier: how I don't know if I am crying for my relationship with my dad or with Alex and how in many ways they are the same relationship and so I am crying for the same thing when I cry for either. He told me he agreed that he sometimes felt I was expecting him to fill a father-role in my life instead of a companion or partner role. He also said that he is ashamed that was such a horrible boyfriend and is an a** for treating me so and hurting me again similarly to the way my father hurt me. He said he is interested in dating a girl, but doesn't think he has changed since breaking up with me and does not want to date another girl if he is just going to hurt her like he did me.

-Well, I have to go now, I have an appointment with the nutritionist Dawn recommended, then I am lifting weights, home for lunch and a nap, then swim practice.