The Soon School Year

I am sitting in my room listening to my Relax playlist (largely an assortment of Ray LaMontagne, Norah Jones, and Iron and Wine) and enjoying my new Altec Lansing Moondance alarm clock. It has great sound for being so small. I really want to get new speakers for my car, but I don't think I should spend the money. Instead, I think I will take the $250 and put it in a savings account.

I have been teaching swim lessons since being home. It's a nice, easy way to make money. However, I have been spending all of that money on things like alarm clocks, chairs for my dorm room, and books. Mary bought me a slouchy beret tonight and I am looking forward to wearing it. I had a purpose in starting this post and now I cannot remember what that purpose was.

I go back to school in a week and my mom doesn't want me to make the trip alone. She is getting close to taking off of work to drive up with me and then fly back down. She's crazy. I have made the trip before by myself. I am nervous about going back to school though. Seeing Alex again, living in an apartment where I can be isolated, practicing with swim team 6 days a week for 2 hours and weight lifting, being single, not having something to do, feeling trapped by obligations like support group and class prayer and Bible studies and papers and reading assignments. Mostly facing school as a single girl who knows she will never get back with her ex and having to see him around campus and possibly fall in love with someone else. Everytime I think I am over him, I am pulled back down -not as far down, but still down.

When I feel physically lonely now, I don't long for him specifically. It's more of a general wanting of physical affection now, not as acute. It still doesn't make it alright that I gave in and called my frat-boy friend earlier this week and made out with him at 3am. I felt so ashamed the next day. I fall in sin. I know Jesus loves me and forgets the times I fall, forgives me of them and loves me because he took the punishment for all the stupid things I have done and will do. I do not deserve his love and mercy.