Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Sabbath
I had to work on Sunday this past week and was pretty bummed about it, but I am so glad I did now. I feel like I saw God on Sunday. There was a woman who came in my store and was complaining that her father had come to visit and with him brought all these to-do lists, like returning his sunglasses to my store. I asked her where he was visiting from and she said he was from Boca and volunteered the information that he and her mother had divorced less than a year ago. I told her I had the same thing and that it was hard being an adult and having it happen. We quietly talked about it and how we both were seeing counselors and how it seemed much more complicated to figure out when you are an adult vs being a kid because we are the ones who decide when to see who and on what holidays to see them. She was married and said that it put a lot of strain on her relationship with her husband. It was just so good to meet someone going through something similar to me. God was definitely in that.
Graveyard Shift
Sam is a security guard at Northland and at SeaWorld. He was on the midnight to 7am shift last night at church and invited me to come by and chill with him for a bit. At first I said no, because I have to be at camp by 8:30am, but then I thought about it and realized I could count on my hands the number of times I had hung out with people this summer -four of the ten times were working out with Paul. So I made some cinnamon rolls and brought them to Sam at midnight. I was in my PJs, but I knew that Sam wouldn't care.
Before I got there, there had been a "disturbance," so Sam called the cops. By the time the cop got there, we were both standing in the parking lot at midnight, me in my PJs and holding a Tupperware of cinnamon rolls. Oh well, haha. I'm sure it looked funny.
Anywho, after Sam scared away the water moccasin, he took me up on the catwalk in the auditorium and we explored up there for a while, then went out onto the roof of the sanctuary. It was really neat being up so high and being able to see the lights of Orlando to one side and the lights of Sanford to the other. We also took the really big truck out and tore up the grass in the field across the street (totally not supposed to drive the truck). It was so fun. I've never been off-roading or anything and didn't expect him to drive crazily, so I was caught off guard and had not put my seat belt on (I thought we were just going around the parking lot for a check). Sam just put his arm around me while he drove so that I didn't fly across the cab of the truck.
It was good night -even if I only got 4 hours of sleep and then had to go to camp. After camp today, I go to see Dawn (first time since two weeks ago and finding out about my dad, since she had to cancel last week) and then go to Carmen to get my hair highlighted, then home real quick to change for Sunglass Hut and then work from 4 until 9. Eh, only 3 more days. Gah, I am so close to Alex and feel like I am still a century away.
Before I got there, there had been a "disturbance," so Sam called the cops. By the time the cop got there, we were both standing in the parking lot at midnight, me in my PJs and holding a Tupperware of cinnamon rolls. Oh well, haha. I'm sure it looked funny.
Anywho, after Sam scared away the water moccasin, he took me up on the catwalk in the auditorium and we explored up there for a while, then went out onto the roof of the sanctuary. It was really neat being up so high and being able to see the lights of Orlando to one side and the lights of Sanford to the other. We also took the really big truck out and tore up the grass in the field across the street (totally not supposed to drive the truck). It was so fun. I've never been off-roading or anything and didn't expect him to drive crazily, so I was caught off guard and had not put my seat belt on (I thought we were just going around the parking lot for a check). Sam just put his arm around me while he drove so that I didn't fly across the cab of the truck.
It was good night -even if I only got 4 hours of sleep and then had to go to camp. After camp today, I go to see Dawn (first time since two weeks ago and finding out about my dad, since she had to cancel last week) and then go to Carmen to get my hair highlighted, then home real quick to change for Sunglass Hut and then work from 4 until 9. Eh, only 3 more days. Gah, I am so close to Alex and feel like I am still a century away.
Monday, July 28, 2008
Home
I thought to myself this morning at work, "I just want to go home" and realized that I didn't mean home as in my house in Florida or even Asbury college, I just meant Alex's arms.
I feel like if I could just see Alex, things would make more sense, I wouldn't feel so isolated and tired, life would be a little bit better. I know his presence won't make anything better -heck, it could make things more complicated. But I just want to believe that being near him will be like a kiss and a band aid for a scrape like when I was little.
I feel like if I could just see Alex, things would make more sense, I wouldn't feel so isolated and tired, life would be a little bit better. I know his presence won't make anything better -heck, it could make things more complicated. But I just want to believe that being near him will be like a kiss and a band aid for a scrape like when I was little.
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Kitchen table
I want a table similar to either of these. I like the bright colors better. I want it to be happy. The round shape is nice, but impractical for big numbers. I knew a family who had a round table for 8 though. It was big, but there was actually enough room in the middle for food for once; they had a huge lazy susan in the center.
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Song for a Voicemail
Patty Loveless - You're All I Think About These Days
I try to think about elvis
Memphis
Oprah in the afternoon
I try to think about palm trees
Fig leaves
The creature from the black lagoon
I try to think about high heels
And good deals
Anything to get me through
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
I try to contemplate the cosmos
What goes
Round and round the sky at night
I try to think about champagne
Freight trains
Slowly rolling out of sight
I try to focus on the headlines
Street crimes
Everytime i think i might
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what i should say
I forget what i should do
My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what i should say
I forget what i should do
I try to think about shakespeare
Leap year
The beatles or the rolling stones
I try to think about hair-do's
Tattoos
Sushi bars and saxophones
I try to think about the talk shows
New clothes
But i guess i should have known
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
You're all i think about these days
Would You Go With Me- Josh Turner
Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down
Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
I try to think about elvis
Memphis
Oprah in the afternoon
I try to think about palm trees
Fig leaves
The creature from the black lagoon
I try to think about high heels
And good deals
Anything to get me through
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
I try to contemplate the cosmos
What goes
Round and round the sky at night
I try to think about champagne
Freight trains
Slowly rolling out of sight
I try to focus on the headlines
Street crimes
Everytime i think i might
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what i should say
I forget what i should do
My mind wanders where it will
When it settles right on you
I forget what i should say
I forget what i should do
I try to think about shakespeare
Leap year
The beatles or the rolling stones
I try to think about hair-do's
Tattoos
Sushi bars and saxophones
I try to think about the talk shows
New clothes
But i guess i should have known
I just can't concentrate
You're all i think about these days
You're all i think about these days
Tim McGraw- Just to See You Smile
You always had an eye for things that glittered
But I was far from bein' made of gold
I don't know how but I scraped up the money
I just never could quite tell you no
Just like when you were leavin' Amarillo
Takin’ that new job in Tennessee
And I quit mine so we could be together
I can't forget the way you looked at me
Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile
When you said time was all you really needed
I walked away and let you have your space
Cuz leavin' didn't hurt me near as badly
As the tears I saw rollin' down your face
And yesterday I knew just what you wanted
When you came walkin' up to me with him
So I told you that I was happy for you
And given the chance I’d lie again
Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
It's worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile
I'd do anything
That you wanted me to
And all is said and done
I'd never count the cost
I'ts worth all that's lost
Just to see you smile
Would You Go With Me- Josh Turner
Would you go with me if we rolled down streets of fire
Would you hold on to me tighter as the summer sun got higher
If we roll from town to town and never shut it down
Would you go with me if we were lost in fields of clover
Would we walk even closer until the trip was over
And would it be okay if I didn't know the way
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me
Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Help me tie up the ends of a dream
I gotta know, would you go with me
I love you so, so would you go with me
Come A Little Closer- Dierks Bentley
Come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
On a bed of sweet surrender
Where we can work it all out
There ain't nothin' that love can't fix
Girl it's right here at our finger tips
So come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
Come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go
Of everything that stands* between us
And the love we used to know
I wanna touch you like a cleansing* rain
And let it wash all the* hurt away
So come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go
If there's still a chance than take my hand
And we'll steal away
Off into the night
Until we make things right
The sun's gonna rise, on a better day
Come a little closer baby I feel like strippin' it down
Back to the basics of you and me and what makes the world go round
Every inch of you against my skin
I wanna be stronger than we've ever been
So come a little closer baby
I feel like strippin' it down
Come a little closer baby
Just a little bit closer baby
Come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
Ladies Love Country Boys- Trace Adkins
She grew up in the city in a little subdivision,
Her daddy wore a tie, Momma never fried a chicken,
Ballet, Straight A’s, Most likely to succeed
They bought her a car after graduation
Sent her down south for some higher education
Put her on the fast track to a law degree
Now she’s comin home to visit
holdin the hand
Of a wild-eyed boy
with a farmer’s tan
And shes ridin in the middle of his pickup truck
Blarin Charlie Daniels yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady
but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
(You know its true)
Yeah, you know momma’s and daddy’s want better for their daughters
Hope they’ll settle down with a doctor or a lawyer
In their uptown, ball gown, hand-me-down royalty
They never understand
why their princess falls
For some camouflage britches
and a southern boy drawl
Or why she’s ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Hank Jr. yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady
but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
(oooh, get country with it)
You can train ‘em
You can try to teach ‘em right from wrong
But it’s still gonna turn ‘em on
When they go ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Lynyrd Skynyrd yellin, “Turn it up!”
You can raise her up a lady
but there’s one thing you jus can’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
They love us country boys
Ooooooh yeah
It's that country thing you know
Let me know if you're really a dream
I love you so, so would you go with me
Would you go with me if we rode the clouds together
Could you not look down forever
If you were lighter than a feather
Oh, and if I set you free, would you go with me
If I gave you my hand would you take it
And make me the happiest man in the world
If I told you my heart couldn't beat one more minute without you, girl
Would you accompany me to the edge of the sea
Help me tie up the ends of a dream
I gotta know, would you go with me
I love you so, so would you go with me
Come A Little Closer- Dierks Bentley
Come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
On a bed of sweet surrender
Where we can work it all out
There ain't nothin' that love can't fix
Girl it's right here at our finger tips
So come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
Come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go
Of everything that stands* between us
And the love we used to know
I wanna touch you like a cleansing* rain
And let it wash all the* hurt away
So come a little closer baby
I feel like lettin' go
If there's still a chance than take my hand
And we'll steal away
Off into the night
Until we make things right
The sun's gonna rise, on a better day
Come a little closer baby I feel like strippin' it down
Back to the basics of you and me and what makes the world go round
Every inch of you against my skin
I wanna be stronger than we've ever been
So come a little closer baby
I feel like strippin' it down
Come a little closer baby
Just a little bit closer baby
Come a little closer baby
I feel like layin' you down
Ladies Love Country Boys- Trace Adkins
She grew up in the city in a little subdivision,
Her daddy wore a tie, Momma never fried a chicken,
Ballet, Straight A’s, Most likely to succeed
They bought her a car after graduation
Sent her down south for some higher education
Put her on the fast track to a law degree
Now she’s comin home to visit
holdin the hand
Of a wild-eyed boy
with a farmer’s tan
And shes ridin in the middle of his pickup truck
Blarin Charlie Daniels yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady
but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
(You know its true)
Yeah, you know momma’s and daddy’s want better for their daughters
Hope they’ll settle down with a doctor or a lawyer
In their uptown, ball gown, hand-me-down royalty
They never understand
why their princess falls
For some camouflage britches
and a southern boy drawl
Or why she’s ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Hank Jr. yellin, “Turn it up!”
They raised her up a lady
but there’s one thing they couldn’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
(oooh, get country with it)
You can train ‘em
You can try to teach ‘em right from wrong
But it’s still gonna turn ‘em on
When they go ridin in the middle of a pickup truck
Blarin Lynyrd Skynyrd yellin, “Turn it up!”
You can raise her up a lady
but there’s one thing you jus can’t avoid
Ladies love country boys
They love us country boys
Ooooooh yeah
It's that country thing you know
Tuesday, July 22, 2008
Tuition
My mom met Jack and Lea before I was born, I think. She took care of Lea years later as she slowly (or quickly, depending on your point of view) went down hill due to alcoholism. Jack is now alone and very rich. My mom goes out to dinner with him pretty often (once every two to four weeks). She calls him up and invites him to dinner (he pays) because he is lonely. He is always saying to ask him if we ever need any help with money; he says he has plenty of it and would not mind helping someone else. My mom finally decided that she would ask him for help with my tuition for school and if he didn't want to help, he wouldn't. He did say yes, he is paying for my mom's half of the tuition plus a little extra just to be nice. Wow. I don't know what to say.
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
Princess
I feel like he died.
I had always hoped that he would miraculously change and start to suddenly have a relationship with me, suddenly be protective of me when it came to guys, suddenly want to get to know. Maybe he would start calling me and inviting me over to do things instead of me always having to call him at least three times to get any kind of activity set up with him.
Now that I know he will never be in love with my mom and or feel the way most men do about women, I feel like all hope of having that beautiful father-daughter relationship is gone.
I have never been Daddy's Little Girl and now I really never will be Daddy's Princess.
My dream of being so kind of died yesterday. I don't think it will ever be resurrected.
I had always hoped that he would miraculously change and start to suddenly have a relationship with me, suddenly be protective of me when it came to guys, suddenly want to get to know. Maybe he would start calling me and inviting me over to do things instead of me always having to call him at least three times to get any kind of activity set up with him.
Now that I know he will never be in love with my mom and or feel the way most men do about women, I feel like all hope of having that beautiful father-daughter relationship is gone.
I have never been Daddy's Little Girl and now I really never will be Daddy's Princess.
My dream of being so kind of died yesterday. I don't think it will ever be resurrected.
-_-
Do gay men love their children differently than straight men? Is that why he never cared much when I hung out with boys? When I go out with them until 4am or sleep over at their houses? He was never even very worried about my mom's, Mary's, or my safety; never got out of bed (except once, one time, I was like 7) to check out the monsters in the dark, it was always my mom who kept me safe.
And he told me last week that he will get married again! I can only assume, since he is not going to leave Florida, that he is talking about a woman. Gah. That's so selfish of him.
And he told me last week that he will get married again! I can only assume, since he is not going to leave Florida, that he is talking about a woman. Gah. That's so selfish of him.
Tuesday, July 15, 2008
Oh.
How did she not know she was marrying a gay man?
How could she have survived all these years, being cheated out of a loving, passionate, masculine man?
How can my dad still beg my mom not leave?
How can my dad not understand that my mom should have someone who LOVES her?
Now I understand how my mom, a God-fearing woman, justified divorce.
I don't know how I will be able to face my dad next time I see him. He doesn't even know that I know.
I took tomorrow off of camp. I need time for me.
He's apparently been really unfaithful to my mom.
So weird. Disturbing. Hurt.
I'm not sure I regret not knowing before, but knowing now makes a lot of things make a lot more sense.
I laughed when my mom told me in Dawn's office (my counselor that I am seeing). It was just so funny that I had never seen it before. It fit him so well.
My mom said that even some neighbors suspected he was gay just after the first time meeting him.
He met Mark, one of his good friends, at a support group for gay men at our church.
He thought getting married would cure him.
I never really wanted to make much of a decision about how I felt about homosexuality, I guess I should start looking into doing so.
How could she have survived all these years, being cheated out of a loving, passionate, masculine man?
How can my dad still beg my mom not leave?
How can my dad not understand that my mom should have someone who LOVES her?
Now I understand how my mom, a God-fearing woman, justified divorce.
I don't know how I will be able to face my dad next time I see him. He doesn't even know that I know.
I took tomorrow off of camp. I need time for me.
He's apparently been really unfaithful to my mom.
So weird. Disturbing. Hurt.
I'm not sure I regret not knowing before, but knowing now makes a lot of things make a lot more sense.
I laughed when my mom told me in Dawn's office (my counselor that I am seeing). It was just so funny that I had never seen it before. It fit him so well.
My mom said that even some neighbors suspected he was gay just after the first time meeting him.
He met Mark, one of his good friends, at a support group for gay men at our church.
He thought getting married would cure him.
I never really wanted to make much of a decision about how I felt about homosexuality, I guess I should start looking into doing so.
Sunday, July 13, 2008
Publix run.
I just walked out of the grocery store. I could fee the guys turn their heads to watch me. Even this stupid guy from high school, who used to alternately tease and ignore me, tried to talk to me.
Tried to quit.
By the way, I tried to quit working at camp on Wednesday. I talked to Amory instead of Brook because I knew that Amory would not yell at me or make me cry. The problem: Amory was nice and tried to persuade me and almost guilt trip me for about half an hour. I tried to say no so much. I couldn't say no to him. I should have. If I get through this week and just can't go back, even though August 1st is the last day of camp, I will just have to write a letter or something so that I do not get persuaded to stay again.
Runner's High
Well, it finally happened. I injured my knees running. I have tendinitis/jumper's knee. I guess pounding the pavement, though it makes me feel good, is not so great for my joints and muscles. The doctor said that I cannot run for three to four weeks. That is torture to me. I already haven't run for almost two weeks because my left knee hurt so bad, but now I have to spend more time without running.
However, on the upside, I joined a gym yesterday so that I can use the two pieces of equipment that I am allowed: bikes and stair masters. I can also swim, meh. I tried swimming for the past week. Swimming just doesn't get my heart rate up like running, it just doesn't do it for me. Maybe I am not strong enough for swimming yet. All I know is that for the past two weeks or so I have not been running, I have been swimming instead, and I have felt horribly depressed and had no reason to smile.
But yesterday and today I tried biking for 50 minutes, keeping my heart rate between 140 and 160 the entire time, and I feel one hundred times better. I got sweaty, I got tired, it felt so good; I think I was just missing that runner's high. I guess those endorphins that exercise produces really are addicting. Maybe that's another reason why I have felt so much better at college -I have been running 4 miles, six days a week at Asbury. Exercise really is addicting.
Well, it probably isn't all running/swimming/missing my cardio that has gotten me down. I started the pill last Sunday AND I have been working 50-60 hour weeks for 5 weeks now. I have 3 more weeks left of this crazy work. I hope I make it.
Excerpt from Dictionary.com:
Prolonged, continuous exercise contributes to an increased production of endorphins and, in some people, the subsequent "runner's high."
However, on the upside, I joined a gym yesterday so that I can use the two pieces of equipment that I am allowed: bikes and stair masters. I can also swim, meh. I tried swimming for the past week. Swimming just doesn't get my heart rate up like running, it just doesn't do it for me. Maybe I am not strong enough for swimming yet. All I know is that for the past two weeks or so I have not been running, I have been swimming instead, and I have felt horribly depressed and had no reason to smile.
But yesterday and today I tried biking for 50 minutes, keeping my heart rate between 140 and 160 the entire time, and I feel one hundred times better. I got sweaty, I got tired, it felt so good; I think I was just missing that runner's high. I guess those endorphins that exercise produces really are addicting. Maybe that's another reason why I have felt so much better at college -I have been running 4 miles, six days a week at Asbury. Exercise really is addicting.
Well, it probably isn't all running/swimming/missing my cardio that has gotten me down. I started the pill last Sunday AND I have been working 50-60 hour weeks for 5 weeks now. I have 3 more weeks left of this crazy work. I hope I make it.
Excerpt from Dictionary.com:
Prolonged, continuous exercise contributes to an increased production of endorphins and, in some people, the subsequent "runner's high."
Friday, July 11, 2008
My Boy!
Alex bought me this. It's fake, but the poor boy didn't know, he tried. He sent in a package and it arrived today. Oh, and it had a pair of his boxers inside=). It (the purse) is really pretty anyway.
Thursday, July 10, 2008
These Three Words
As I was driving home from seeing Wall-E with Paul on Tuesday night, I started thinking about Alex and how he offered to help pay for my traffic ticket, how he bought my a Chanel purse, how he found a book that he wanted to read together, and I said it. And I meant it. I said, "I love Alex" outloud. It put a smile on my face.
Wednesday, July 9, 2008
Quitter
As a preface to this post, my mom had been asking me throughout the last session of camp why I was working two jobs and insisted that I didn't need to work so much, that she and my dad would help me if my finances got that rough, even if I didn't work during the school year. Dawn, my counselor, asked me why I felt like I needed to work two jobs (I'm an over achiever and very independent) and then asked me what I did to make sure I took care of myself (I couldn't name anything).
Well, this past Monday morning I walked into the new 4 week session of camp at 7:30am like I did last session... I opened my schedule, and instead of having 4 classes, I only had 3 classes; instead of my hours being 7:30am-1:30pm, they were 8:30am-1:30pm. Never even told me. I was just slightly ticked (understatement). So I decided to talk Brooke, one of the 3 people Terry left in charge when she (terry) left the 2nd week of camp without telling any of the counselors. No one ever bothered to make an announcement that Terry left and let us know who was left in charge. I found out through the grapevine that Terry left to take a better job in Jacksonville and that Brooke, Pringle, and Walker are in charge.
Brooke got in at 8:30 and so I went up to her and asked her if it was true in as calm as a voice as I could manage if my new hours were a mistake. She said no. She told me that on Thursday I had told her that I needed to be at the mall by 3pm (which is Ed's preferable time, though I do not make it there till 4pm most days and Ed is fine with that). That's true, I do have to be at the mall by then. I told her that I didn't realize not being available in the afternoon would mean that she would cut my hours and that if it meant cutting my hours, I could probably change my schedule around and make it. I told her I like to work out after camp and am going to start training for a triathalon and so I like that time (um, if I were being honest, I need to work out after camp out, I am addicted, I have problem, I am seeing Dawn for help).
Well then she got really ticked and started talking loud enough for all the other counselors in the room to hear. She said "Well you told me that you had to be off because you had to be at work by 3, did you not?" ("yes") "Well you lied to me; you feel disrespected because I didn't tell you your hours would be cut, but you LIED to me. You should have said I prefer to work these hours, not 'I have to be at the mall by 3', that's lying."
I don't feel like I lied to her. I thought my shift would start at 7:30am; if it starts at 7:30am, I NEED to get off at 1:30pm to be able to run. Most people may not NEED to run, but I do. I didn't feel like explaining to Brooke, the girl who I feel doesn't care squat about me or any other counselor, that I am a centimeter away from having a full blown eating disorder, so I told her it was work that I needed to be off for. However, if I start at 8:30am instead of 7:30am, I could probably have worked out in the morning before work, if needed.
Anyway, needless to say, I was ticked and cried a couple times through the day Monday. Then, on my way to work Tuesday, I got pulled over for crossing a double yellow line at in intersection. Got me $125 ticket. Alex, because of how sweet he is, offered to help me pay for it, but I said no, it was my ticket after all.
I think I need to tell them I need to leave at the end of the week. I don't want to be this stressed and I want to enjoy my summer. Otherwise, I will be completely stressed when I go see Alex and I will only have 2 weeks to have a relaxed summer before I go back to Asbury. I feel like a quitter, but I think I mentally and emotionally need the break. Monday, I found it hard to find the physical strength to get out of bed and get dressed when I got home from camp and had to get ready to go to SGH.
Well, this past Monday morning I walked into the new 4 week session of camp at 7:30am like I did last session... I opened my schedule, and instead of having 4 classes, I only had 3 classes; instead of my hours being 7:30am-1:30pm, they were 8:30am-1:30pm. Never even told me. I was just slightly ticked (understatement). So I decided to talk Brooke, one of the 3 people Terry left in charge when she (terry) left the 2nd week of camp without telling any of the counselors. No one ever bothered to make an announcement that Terry left and let us know who was left in charge. I found out through the grapevine that Terry left to take a better job in Jacksonville and that Brooke, Pringle, and Walker are in charge.
Brooke got in at 8:30 and so I went up to her and asked her if it was true in as calm as a voice as I could manage if my new hours were a mistake. She said no. She told me that on Thursday I had told her that I needed to be at the mall by 3pm (which is Ed's preferable time, though I do not make it there till 4pm most days and Ed is fine with that). That's true, I do have to be at the mall by then. I told her that I didn't realize not being available in the afternoon would mean that she would cut my hours and that if it meant cutting my hours, I could probably change my schedule around and make it. I told her I like to work out after camp and am going to start training for a triathalon and so I like that time (um, if I were being honest, I need to work out after camp out, I am addicted, I have problem, I am seeing Dawn for help).
Well then she got really ticked and started talking loud enough for all the other counselors in the room to hear. She said "Well you told me that you had to be off because you had to be at work by 3, did you not?" ("yes") "Well you lied to me; you feel disrespected because I didn't tell you your hours would be cut, but you LIED to me. You should have said I prefer to work these hours, not 'I have to be at the mall by 3', that's lying."
I don't feel like I lied to her. I thought my shift would start at 7:30am; if it starts at 7:30am, I NEED to get off at 1:30pm to be able to run. Most people may not NEED to run, but I do. I didn't feel like explaining to Brooke, the girl who I feel doesn't care squat about me or any other counselor, that I am a centimeter away from having a full blown eating disorder, so I told her it was work that I needed to be off for. However, if I start at 8:30am instead of 7:30am, I could probably have worked out in the morning before work, if needed.
Anyway, needless to say, I was ticked and cried a couple times through the day Monday. Then, on my way to work Tuesday, I got pulled over for crossing a double yellow line at in intersection. Got me $125 ticket. Alex, because of how sweet he is, offered to help me pay for it, but I said no, it was my ticket after all.
I think I need to tell them I need to leave at the end of the week. I don't want to be this stressed and I want to enjoy my summer. Otherwise, I will be completely stressed when I go see Alex and I will only have 2 weeks to have a relaxed summer before I go back to Asbury. I feel like a quitter, but I think I mentally and emotionally need the break. Monday, I found it hard to find the physical strength to get out of bed and get dressed when I got home from camp and had to get ready to go to SGH.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
To Erin
I wrote this in a Facebook message to Erin because she asked how my family was:
The divorce is getting kind of messy for the first time. My parents are getting into the nitty gritty details of who is paying what. Mom wants dad to put in writing that he will help pay for future stuff like cars, college, weddings, but dad just wants to pay for it as it comes, so it's a little tense. They figured it out though (mom gave in) and the lawyer is rewriting the documents and they should be final and ready to sign by the time I go back to school. It sucks, I am willing to admit that. I am seeing a Christian counselor though. It's only been 3 sessions, but I am really glad I am finally doing it. Even if my parents had not gotten divorced, their marriage was so formal and had so much baggage from family histories that I really needed to see a counselor anyway just to help me deal with growing up with that.
I will keep your family and your probably-soon-to-be family in my prayers. Can you pray for me about my mom not pressuring me about marriage? She gets really excited about boys when it comes to me and has asked me twice if I want to go look at rings, in addition to telling me about a dream she had two nights ago that I came into her room at midnight with a ring on my finger.
The divorce is getting kind of messy for the first time. My parents are getting into the nitty gritty details of who is paying what. Mom wants dad to put in writing that he will help pay for future stuff like cars, college, weddings, but dad just wants to pay for it as it comes, so it's a little tense. They figured it out though (mom gave in) and the lawyer is rewriting the documents and they should be final and ready to sign by the time I go back to school. It sucks, I am willing to admit that. I am seeing a Christian counselor though. It's only been 3 sessions, but I am really glad I am finally doing it. Even if my parents had not gotten divorced, their marriage was so formal and had so much baggage from family histories that I really needed to see a counselor anyway just to help me deal with growing up with that.
I will keep your family and your probably-soon-to-be family in my prayers. Can you pray for me about my mom not pressuring me about marriage? She gets really excited about boys when it comes to me and has asked me twice if I want to go look at rings, in addition to telling me about a dream she had two nights ago that I came into her room at midnight with a ring on my finger.
Friday, July 4, 2008
Swim. Run. No Bike... yet.
Well, I swam a mile today and yesterday (I took lots of break, haha, took me an hour to do). I got Brandon, the Rollins Camp swim coach's son, to teach me the basics of breast stroke and freestyle, in addition to the flip turns with them. I did this because my left knee began to hurt like I twisted it. I don't want knee problems, so I decided I had better take a short break from running, but I still need to work out. So I swim. I am getting a tan line from my bathing suit just in two days. Crazy. I gotta get some water proof sunscreen, my face is read.
I also need sunscreen for tomorrow. I called Dad and asked him if he would go mountain biking with me Saturday. He actually said yes. So he is coming over at 8:30am tomorrow and picking me up to go out to Snow Hill. Mark, his friend, is coming along too. Either way, after 2 or 3 years of bugging him, he's finally taking me. Hopefully I won't die or get my legs cut up too badly.
Parents still talking badly about one another to me. I need to tell them to stop. I just haven't gotten around to it. Today is the first day my dad really got into it. But they are still so business like and formal when they tear each other down that it is hard to tell them no.
Now that my mom has realized she can be rid of my dad, to whom she gave so much for and did so much for and from whom she never felt like she received even a thank you, she has now realized she can do that to other people too. She started talking about all the stuff she has done for people like the Hardaways (financial support, buying nice clothes, bringing over food, etc) for years and how they never even call to say thank you or ask how she is. She wants to be loved and appreciated.
My dad calls those people her "projects." Helen, Phil, the Hardaways, the woman we bought all these Christmas presents for at dad's office. Some people thank her, like Miss Linda. Miss Linda buys mom designer clothes, gives her certificates for massages, would send her to Hawaii if she thought it would make mom happy.
I also need sunscreen for tomorrow. I called Dad and asked him if he would go mountain biking with me Saturday. He actually said yes. So he is coming over at 8:30am tomorrow and picking me up to go out to Snow Hill. Mark, his friend, is coming along too. Either way, after 2 or 3 years of bugging him, he's finally taking me. Hopefully I won't die or get my legs cut up too badly.
Parents still talking badly about one another to me. I need to tell them to stop. I just haven't gotten around to it. Today is the first day my dad really got into it. But they are still so business like and formal when they tear each other down that it is hard to tell them no.
Now that my mom has realized she can be rid of my dad, to whom she gave so much for and did so much for and from whom she never felt like she received even a thank you, she has now realized she can do that to other people too. She started talking about all the stuff she has done for people like the Hardaways (financial support, buying nice clothes, bringing over food, etc) for years and how they never even call to say thank you or ask how she is. She wants to be loved and appreciated.
My dad calls those people her "projects." Helen, Phil, the Hardaways, the woman we bought all these Christmas presents for at dad's office. Some people thank her, like Miss Linda. Miss Linda buys mom designer clothes, gives her certificates for massages, would send her to Hawaii if she thought it would make mom happy.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)