Christmas List '09

Spinning/Cycling shoes
Kitchen Aid Professional
4 Place Settings (bowl, cup, plate), sharp knife
Car Stereo Deck (auxiliary input, CD player; sony or pioneer)

West Virginia

Thanksgiving went well. I traveled to West Virginia with my friend Abigail to celebrate with her grandparents, aunt and uncle, and younger cousin. Her grandparents own a Bed and Breakfast and it's pretty fun. I went for a run yesterday around there area (5 or 6 miles) and it's beautiful.

I am sitting in the living room next to the a crackling fire. Her Grandpa just opened up the window and it's snowing outside! I can see a hillside with lots of reddish, skeletal trees in the background. I guess I will not be going for a run today. One thing I would like for Christmas is a set of warm gloves and hat to go running in.
Abigail is still asleep and I have spent most of the morning reading my Bible and surfing the internet. We will return to school either tomorrow morning or later tonight.

The holidays are a horrible time to be single. I am so desperate/lonely that I even find Abigail's 15 year old cousin attractive enough that I would not mind a hug or even a slight cuddle. In my defense, he is 6'5 and a very muscular swimmer and is also on the cross country team, so he could pass for 17... That's better than 15, considering I am almost 20, haha. Agh, I will be 20 in less than a month. No more being a teenager =(.

Abigail talked to her boyfriend (they are very serious and are talking about marriage and when/how it fits into their education and career plans). I went to bed 'cus there was nothing for me at it was 11pm. I cried myself to sleep while my mind wandered from Abigail and her boyfriend, to wishing I had someone, to once again, inevitably returning to my ex and wondering went wrong and why.

One thing that has kept me smiling is listening to the audiobook of Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert.

Why Can't I Let It Not Affect Me?

So of all the dates my ex could have chosen, he chose November 15 to start dating someone new. November 15 was the day he started dating me.

I feel overwhelmingly sad... and am mad at myself for feeling that. His new girlfriend is the one who is getting involved with a guy who, really, is incapable of keeping up a deep conversation and of falling in love and loving even when it isn't convenient. She should be the one who is sad, not me.

I think I am more mad that he has someone and I don't and that makes me feel like I am not as good... I know it's not true, but I still feel it. I know I need to separate "his stuff" from "my stuff" and not let his affect me.

Stop Making Googley Eyes in Public

I often feel a surge of anger when I see dating couples who are about my age and have an urge to throw rocks at them.
But other times, I just start crying and I try to blink away my tears as I walk past them.

I don't really know what I am feeling, whether it's hurt or jealousy or what. I want what they have but I don't even have someone that I can legitimately want it with. I never even saw other couples when I was in love, now I see them everywhere.

Does that I feel such strong emotions towards dating couples mean that I am not over my ex?

As I was walking back to the my apartment, I was thinking about how I was about to go make dinner alone, then eat at the table alone, and I would probably eat alone if I went to the caf anyway because I don't really have a group to eat with whom I am comfortable around, nor do I know where anyone sits in the caf anymore. I end up eating alone most of the time I go to the caf now because I don't see anyone I know.
The only person I saw at lunch today was Leah, but she sitting with my ex and his new "interest" (he wants to date her and she wants to date him, but they don't want to make it official right now).

Andy told me yesterday that it's been too long and that I should just get over him. He thinks I need to talk to his girlfriend and make new friends to help me. I don't have any old friends here (not close ones) to compare with new ones, I told him.
I have Abigail, who I met this August really. She's the only girl I feel really comfortable and confident hanging out with, but I still find myself holding my breath until she says "yes, I can come." There's Leiza and Heather and Christie, but they are busy with school and almost always say no when it comes to hanging out.
Keturah is an RA and taking 18 hours and works, so whenever I ask her to do something, she is too busy; I never ask Hannah because I don't know if I could keep up a conversation with her. I can ask Irene sometimes, but I am not sure if I really click with her and I don't want to force something.

So that leaves me with Abigail, who is a senior and I just met.

Luke Warm vs Radical

So, because you are lukewarm—neither hot nor cold—I am about to spit you out of my mouth. -Revelation 3:16

I have been feeling pretty confused lately about my spiritual fervor. I feel that I am living a luke warm life, not a radically sold out life for Christ. If I truly believed God's promises and trusted him wholeheartedly, it seems like I would not worry or freak out, I would not become upset at foolish things like low grades or financial woes. Also, if I truly found my entire identity in Christ, instead of looking for it in my physical image and in men and in how others perceive me, maybe I would not feel so desperate for a husband or be struggling with this eating/exercise disorder. I feel like my lack of true, unfettered belief in Christ is holding me back.

Don't get me wrong, I believe that God exists and made the world and everything in it, that He is sovereign, that the Bible is the Truth, and that Jesus Christ is the Son of God and Man and came to redeem me by sacrificing himself on the cross in order to pay my debt that I owe because of my sin. However, I feel like if I truly believed with every fiber of my being, I would be more different.

Lately, the idea that Christians are defined by what they do not do, more than by what they do, has been at the forefront of my mind. I do not want people to describe me as "The girl who doesn't party, doesn't drink, and doesn't have sex." I want to be known as a girl who is selfless, compassionate, ready to love anyone at anytime. I want to be known for being Jesus; not being swayed by power and money, but living my life to spread the Good News and to love His children. I don't know what being known by what I do, rather than what I do not do really looks like. I mean, I can volunteer every night of the week if I want to, but I don't know if that is really what "being known by what I do" is all about.

If I do it by force, because I know should, rather than out of a sincere desire to love others, it won't mean anything. Lord, I want more of Your love to pour into me and out of me so that I might love others as You love them, that You would show Your love for them through me. I do not want my sins to become a distraction to others and reason to discredit You. What I don't do is important (I mean, I don't feel like making out with a guy is exactly a good way to represent Jesus), but what I do is even more important.

Jesus, overcome my unbelief and teach me how to live as You lived on this Earth, through whatever situations and circumstances to which You call me. I am trying to lay down my crown at Your feet; give my desire for marriage and a family, for a respectable and successful career to You, to do with as You will. I want to be content if Your will does not include my aforementioned dreams. I want Your will to become my will. Whether Your will includes such dreams or not, I want to be content in doing Your will, not mine.

Father, if I give up physically intimacy and fun, flirty/dirty texts and conversations with guys, I am scared I will feel more lonely than I ever have before. I know in my head that You will fill me and I will be more content after having given up such lustful activities, but it is still scary to let go of them. I wish my heart knew what my head knows.

Brief Time On Earth

If I knew I only had a few days to live, I would not do any of my homework and I would just have fun with my friends 24/7. I hate it when people tell me to "live as if today is your last day" because then I would be completely unprepared for my future. I mean, I can't just go and be irresponsible every day and always choose family and friends over work. I know, there is a balance, but I just think sometimes that saying is a little silly.

Crush Crush Crush

I think I have a crush. And not a creepy stalker crush like the ones on Joel or Nick, haha. He's not a Christian though, so it's super irritating. I know I shouldn't like him; I mean, I can't be in an intimate relationship with someone if my life's foundation is something completely different from theirs. How I spend my money (tithing and charity) and my time (volunteering, studying the Bible, going to church, praying) are just two differences that count for a lot.

I chose where to go to college based on where I felt the Holy Spirit was leading me and that is also how I chose my summer job in 2009. The other day, I anonymously CPO-ed a girl a large sum of money because I felt that Jesus was calling me to do so. I just can't see someone, who doesn't share my faith, being cool with that kind of stuff if I marry them. I also think it is very important to have a spiritual leader in my husband/boyfriend, for both of us to continually point the other to Christ. If I have children, it is vital for them to see their father and mother in a Godly relationship and find spiritual role models in BOTH parents.

So for now, I will be praying for this guy to open his heart to the Truth, to seek out the Truth. He is becoming aware that there is something missing in his life, I hope he discovers that it is his Maker that is missing.

Consumption or Love

As consumers in a commercial driven culture we can begin to view other souls as objects, or potential cures for our deepest fears and insecurities. “Perhaps if I found the right lover I would no longer feel this deep existential despair.” But of course no human soul could be the Constant Other, the face that will never go away. Only the infinite can fill that role. But the silence can be deafening. It’s a fearful thing to be alone. Do you love me enough to let me go? “I can’t live without you” – “I would die if you ever left me” – These are not the songs of love, these are the songs of consumption.
-Jon Foreman, lead singer of Switchfoot

The truth will set you free but it’s only slightly less scary than hell and a whole lot harder to get there. -Jon Foreman

"Love does not alter the beloved, it alters itself.”
Soren Kierkegaard

“The capitalist culture of consumption… does not provide meaningful sustenance for large numbers of people.”
Cornel West

these are the scars deep in your heart /this is the place you were born /this is the hole where most of your soul comes ripping out from the places you’ve been torn /and it is always yours /I am always yours
-Always, On Switchfoot's New Album

I've been thinking lately about capitalism and how it changes culture. It is founded on the premise of selfishness, that someone would want to work hard because he could get more of the pie. Why work if there is no gain? Yes, people volunteer and some work in non-profits, but the general mindset of capitalism is selfish. Many even have trouble separating capitalism and market economies from democracy and cannot imagine a democratic America without capitalism.

Faith in Jesus is essentially, "God First, Others Second, and I'm Third." Jesus' way of thinking is pretty near contrary to the selfish premise that capitalism is based on. And most people would agree, theoretically, that consumerism is empty and devoid of meaning. If we know, in our heads, that it is empty, why do we try so hard to find our meaning in consumerism? Most do not do it purposely, consciously, but I think almost everyone in Americas has gone out shopping when they wanted to feel better or has gone to the local ice cream shop after a bad day.

It seems like, in such a consumption-driven culture, people would be begging for meaning. Well, I think they are. Why are they not finding it in Jesus? I think American Christians, myself included, need to rethink where we are searching for and finding our identities and meaning. We need to consider our unbelief; if we really believed Jesus' promises, would we get stressed and worry? If we actually had faith in His goodness and believed His promises, we would be radicals and never fret over the economy. I want to REALLY believe. Right now, I know that I am wallowing in unbelief just from the amount of times a day I freak out.

In such an empty way of living (capitalism's consumerism), Christians should be rejoicing that so many are searching.