Food Police

It's amazing how something as simple as a kindergarten activity sheet can cause me intense emotional distress.

I have spent most of recovery telling myself that there is no such thing as a "good" food or a "bad" food. There are just foods. A food is morally neutral. Objects are morally neutral. Attaching a moral value to a specific food creates a positive or negative feeling associated with the food. One should not feel guilty for eating something, whether that food that has been falsely labeled as "bad" is a slice of cake, potato chips, carbs, bananas, or red meat. Eating should be pleasurable, not a fight between good and evil. It should definitely not inspire one to pat oneself on the back for being "good" or lead you to punishing yourself (whether physically or mentally) for eating "badly."

This assignment that the little girl brought home today really infuriates me. She already says that she "needs" to work out and yesterday she even said she was "fat" (I always correct her and tell her that she does not "need" to anything like workout -if she wants to run and play, she should and that's great. I also inform her that she is a healthy, beautiful girl and does not need to worry about what she looks like.)

She doesn't need some uninformed kindergarten instructor trying to prescribe a diet to her. She is a kid, her body naturally knows what it needs. It is just this type of teaching that will cause her to not trust her body to tell her what it needs and to think that she needs to follow a diet.

Love Is Not Earned

Sometimes, when I look into the mirror as I am getting ready for bed, usually not wearing much more than shorts and a bra, I congratulate myself for obtaining and maintaining a thin, athletic body. However, just a few minutes later, I usually end up in bed that night with my knees hugged to my chest and my head hung low, wondering why, if I have such a nice body, prince charming has not come riding in and swept me off my feet yet.

Right about then, Ed stops talking and logic (aka, the voices of my nutritionist and counselor) comes in. I realize that no one should/would love me just because I have an attractive body (it won't always look like this anyway). And in the same way that a man should not love me because I somehow got the perfect body, he should also not love me because I could be the perfect wife who can cleaning anything, bake or cook everything, and knows how to discuss politics, as well as balance the checkbook. Why should a guy, or anyone for that matter, love anyone else?

When will I stop trying to be perfect to earn love? When will I stop expecting people to love me if only I could somehow embody this ever-evasive idea of "perfection"?

I know that I can't earn love. Love doesn't work like that. But I still find myself wondering why no one (no one that I click with intellectually) wants to marry me when I am physically fit, a good cook, and have a college degree.