Alfred Lord Tennyson said, "Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" and I am here to tell you that it simply isn't true. I would have rather stayed ignorant of the deep ecstasy that being in loves brings if I had known that, after losing it, I would realize that the man whom I loved never really loved me.
Maybe that isn't what Tennyson is talking about though. Maybe he is talking about real love, when both people actually are capable of loving each other and do/did love each other, but have to part. Maybe he is not talking about when one person falls in love and wants to spend the rest of their life with someone who only loves them as an intimate friend (with a physical dimension to the relationship, of course).
Either way, I really must say that I think it is better to be ignorant of what you are really missing, than to have to lose it. I suppose love is worth the risk it comes with (that you might lose it) -but if one knew it would end in heart ache before ever experiencing it (falling love/entering the relationship), one should avoid it.
I am 17 days away from being single for 11 months.
This past Saturday, my good friend and my ex's close friend/roommate (he is the same person) told me he is interested in me romantically. I asked my ex about it. My ex texted his reply, "just take it easy on him; he isn't like me -you're REALLY horny. I always thought you two would be good together even while we were dating."
Wow, he really didn't love me. I mean, I knew it before, but this just adds another nail to the coffin. How can you think, "you know, my best friend and my girlfriend should get together," and really love someone?
I saw him, standing with his back to me and talking to friends, in the gym today. I went into the locker room as quietly as I could, then proceeded to cry during me shower and I don't know exactly why, other than it still hurts me to think about him, even though I know he's an a**hole.
I feel silly though, cus I am hurt by and mad at him, but also mad at/hurt by his new gf.
like, I don't know which I want more, for her to break his heart so that he can feel heart ache for once, or for him to break her heart because he'll realize that she's never gonna be as good as me. I also kinda want her to get her heart broken so she can see what a jacka** he is and what a mistake she could have saved herself if she had come and asked me about him.
Is that bad? Shouldn't I just not care? All the things I kinda want to happen revolve around me and revenge. Argh.
At times, I worry that someone might think that my ex must be a really great guy, since I am having such a hard time getting completely over him and leaving him behind. Don't be fooled. I loved him deeply, but it was not returned and he is not a great guy. I led myself to believe the illusion that my mind created of him.
1 comment:
HEY,
CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL AND EMPHASIS.
START LOOKING AT YOU AND NOT AT HIM, THIS WHOLE SITUATION NO LONGER HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH THIS ASSHOLE. IT HAS TO DO WITH YOU, AND IT DOESN'T JUST GO WITH YOUR FEELINGS IN THIS ONE INSTANCE, IT HAS ITS ROOTS IN EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR INSECURITIES AND QUESTIONS ABOUT THE GOODNESS OF LIFE AND LOVE.
It's not about him, your perceived lingering feelings for him, or anything like that. It's about you. So let's start worrying about what's making you believe any of the things listed in this post. I'm worried about you, Amy.
I guess I may be mistaken, but I was where you are (and, what's worse, me and the guy weren't even dating, we were just admittedly complicated for a long while), and at some point I realized it wasn't that I was pining for this guy who wasn't good enough for me, it was just that those feelings were a manifestation of the stuff that was troubling me internally, and once I started to work on being confident and better for myself, those feelings went away.
This is a good thing, it means you have control over helping yourself to be better. It's not easy give yourself the attention you need, sometimes, but it's got to be done.
I'm not so good at this, so I hope you have someone better to talk through all this with.
AND SIDE NOTE OF IRRITATION: You are not "really horny." Goodness forbid a woman be aware of her sexuality and, gasp!, act on it. Physical intimacy is in the hands of each side that partakes in it, not just one side to dominate the time, place, and initiation. Woman is a natural, sexual being, with the same rights to her body and her desire to give that body the intimacy, both physical and emotional, she deserves. If that makes sense.
I'm exponentially happy you are no longer connected to this execrable scum.
I love you, dear.
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