Local Lexington Eats

I went to a Cuban restaurant the other day with Heather, a girl on my hall. The place was pretty good -I got fried plantains, so I was happy. It's called Old San Juan.

Today I will be going to the Coffee Pub with Jacob. I'll let you know how it goes. It's a breakfast place.

On another note, the last two days (Monday and Tuesday) have been the easiest days since breaking up with Alex. My desires to be near, to talk, to text him have been so muted. My parents' prayers are really helping.

Feels Like It Just Lingers

Amy to Andy:

hey

your ex knows my feelings so well

she and I were like, "woah, we're emotional twins"

we talked about how we love and hate you at the same time

how we want to get over you, but we're scared that isn't possible and you will move on and we won't

*you being you and Alex, not just you

we talked about you both promised us we would be friends, but then you go off and decide we're better off not talking to you much and hardly seeing you, and it hurts because we want to be friends with you and build that and ya'll go on and decide against what you promised us upon breaking up

and how we cry ourselves to sleep every night and every time we see you, we try so hard not to be near you, but every part of our being is screaming to near you

I feel like that dumb girl in the movie that everyone is yelling at like "why can't you just move on?!"

but it's not as simple as it seems to be in the movies...

I am dreading the summer because I will not see him for 3 months, but I know in my head (not in my heart) that it will probably be better, but I am so scared of not being around him

Needy

I am so pathetic sometimes.

I talked to Alex Sunday night and Monday morning. We talked about how we both were not doing well at getting over each other, how we both wanted to get over this but at the same time couldn't help but hope to get back together eventually. We talked about how we would like to get back together after college if we could change in the next 2 years. I was so happy Monday afternoon, and then Tuesday came and I felt so stupid for letting myself hope. Hoping and talking to him caused me to backslide, for me to actually admit I still liked him. It made all those feeling (that I had been suppressing and denying) come to the surface. It hurt. Like hell.

I talked to Dorothy. I didn't want to waste 2 years hoping, but I didn't want to try and go on dates with other guys and find it futile. It felt futile sometimes to talk to other guys. He is still my first thought in the morning. Dorothy said to just try and see who else is out there and not try to be near Alex all the time or to text Alex all the time. If we should be together, we will get back together; if we are not, we will move on, even if one moves on before the other. She said that she and her husband broke up for over a year before getting back together and then getting married. She said her son and daughter-in-law did the same, but for 8 months. Being needy is repulsive.

I've been trying not to text him all day and it is so hard! I have deleted his number from my phone, but I have it memorized and it feels like it's killing me not to text him, not to find out where he is sitting at dinner and talk to him, not to ask him how his day was, not sit next to him in class. I did well today with my actions, but my desire to have some sort of contact with him had me going crazy all day and still do.

Then at dinner he text me asking me what I was doing Saturday night and if I wanted to see a movie. I had to tell him no. I have to prove to him and myself that I do not need him. I shouldn't need him, I should choose him, I should want to be with him, not need to be with him. I hope this summer away from him helps me. This is crazy hard right now.

NO!

I effing hate dorms. I just found out that I didn't get into the apartments for next year. I have to live in the effing dorms another YEAR. I can't do that. I want a real room and a real kitchen and a freaking living room. Eff.

Halfway Through College

Ever feel so lonely that it makes you sick and want to vomit?

Making Friends

I like being on the swim team. Sarah is my only friend right now, my only 2am friend, my only friend who I can be honest and open with, and my only friend who isn't a guy. It has been so long since anyone has asked me to do something, an activity, with them and I did not have to be an integral part of the planning for it to happen. I don't believe I have been a on a pre-planned by someone else, off campus outing since the beginning of freshman year, seriously. Pretty pathetic, aye?

Yesterday, at swim practice, Kara invited me to go to Keeneland with some swim team girls on Sunday afternoon. Abigail invited me to eat dinner with her tonight and then asked my cell number so that she could call me "if anything gets together on Saturday." I'm so happy that I have things to do, and girl friends to be with. =)

Swim Team

Joined the swim team last Monday.

Why did I join?

I don't know.

People think it is because I wanted to be with Alex.

I'm not sure.

Maybe to quench my need to exercise.

Maybe to learn to swim better.

Maybe to fill my life with something because Alex left a big hole in it.

I might not know for a while.

I'll try to remember to let you know when I find out why I did it.

Sister Weekend

It was fun with Mary here, though we didn't talk much. I wish we had talked and laughed more. I feel like sisters should be better at doing that kind of stuff. I hope she knows I love her, even if I do work out a lot.

I got contacts this weekend. I'm much better at putting them in and taking them out now. I tried contacts in 8th grade and it was a horrible experience; I cried and everything.

Work Out/Party Playlist

Closer, Ne-Yo
Poker Face, Lady Gaga
Miss Indepent, Ne-Yo
Umbrella, Rihanna
Disturbia, Rihanna
Don't Stop the Music, Rihanna
Circus, Britney Spears
Womanizer, Britney Spears
If You Seek Amy, Britney Spears
Untouched, The Veronicas
Boom Boom Pow, Black Eyed Peas

Stronger, Kanye West

Hey Ya, Outkast

Sexy Chick

From the Windows to the Walls

Yeah, Usher

Rude Boy, Rihanna

The Veronicas

Black Eyed Peas

Shiny Toy Guns

Baby's Got Her Blue Jeans On

How?

I went to Starbucks this evening with Justin.
Honestly, how did I end up dating someone so selfish? My guy friends back home and here answer all my texts immediately, would come if I needed them even if they had something going on, say really sweet things without me having to prompt them, and actually want to hang out with me even on weeknights. And they want to talk to me. And they compliment more than just my body. And they are willing to try new restaurants or go new places.

Honestly, how is it that I still have to stop myself from talking about him all the time (and am often unsuccessful)? He is pretty much over me. Justin told me tonight I either need to do everything in my power to distract and separate myself from him, or I need to get back together from him. I asked him tonight if he still thought about me, he said "no, no really."

New Stuff

So yeah, I feel like I could be considered a little bit promiscuous right now, but oh well. Last Friday night, I stayed out until 2am with Ben in his car just cuddling, then Saturday night I stayed out all night, till 8:30am, watching thunderstorms at the bridge with Andy and sleeping in his car. Then this past Friday I went out for Krispy Kreme with this guy on my brother hall 'cus he was bored (I had only talked to him once before) and we talked about how he was going to break with his girlfriend who is on my hall.

Then last night I went out with that same guy from my brother hall, Justin, and we talked and went to Sonic for icecream and made out a bit. He had just broken up with his now ex-gf when we went to Sonic. In the middle of making out at the fair grounds, we got caught by a cop and told to go back to campus (kind of embarassing, kind of funny and exciting). Then we talked for a long time in my car once we got back to campus (till 3:30am). Justin has two moms who separated when he was 10, and one of them got married to a man (who he lived with till he was sent to boarding school at 14) and his other mom is currently living with her partner and two kids. His mom and dad are now getting a divorce and have both disowned him.

I feel like I found someone who can identify with me about how weird life is and how rough it can be with parents and such.