Hurt Either Way

Me and Mary

So when I got my Lifeguard certification, I tried to find someone to go out to dinner with me to celebrate. The only person who offered to go with me was Alex, who had just gotten back to campus from a great week at swimming nationals. When we got back in the car after dinner, I asked him for a piece of his candy (a cowtail) and he lifted it up for me to eat and then put it in his mouth so that I kissed him, well, we kissed each other. It was pretty much over right there, we agreed to drive to the Ichthus grounds, where we had a really intense make out session, probably the most intense we'd ever had. It sent me gasping for air when he would just caress my legs with his fingers. That was March 8.

March 14 was the first day of Spring break. It was fun. I went to the beach with Mary on Sunday and Monday. I went to Dawn's with Mary and learned that my sister has trust issues and that is how she copes with what has happened in our family and that she doesn't even trust me enough to talk to me about what is going on. And of course, she doesn't feel like I understand because I am not living through it daily like she is.

Tuesday night I went to visit Paul. He held me while we watched a movie, but all I wanted to do was to squirm out of his arms and move to the other side of the couch. His touch was irritating.
Another night, Sam came over and we watched a movie. He held me, which was fine and didn't bother me, but then he kissed me and it just felt off. It wasn't enjoyable, it didn't make me smile, it didn't feel good. I just wished it was Alex. His lips felt right, his arms felt comfortable.

At my grandmother's funeral on Saturday, I began to cry. I didn't cry because of my grandmother -I didn't really know her-, I cried because I started to think about how I had always imagined that Alex would be sitting next to me at her funeral and, of course, he was not sitting with me. In fact, Alex was visiting April at her school the very moment I was at my grandmother's funeral.

Alex keeps saying he is not going to officially date April as a girlfriend because it will hurt me and he cares about me too much to lose me as a friend because he hurt me. Bah hum bug. He should get over it, I am not his girlfriend anymore, he can date who he wants, I'll hurt either way.