I am afraid of seeing Alex because I know he doesn't care about me and wants nothing to do with me.
I wanna go back to school and immerse myself in swimming and school work and eating.
Not have to think about people and hurt.
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
Back to School
I am dreading going back, but at the same time I want to go back.
I am afraid of seeing Alex because I know he doesn't care about me and wants nothing to do with me.
I wanna go back to school and immerse myself in swimming and school work and eating.
I am afraid of seeing Alex because I know he doesn't care about me and wants nothing to do with me.
I wanna go back to school and immerse myself in swimming and school work and eating.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Perfect Cookie Quest
Ideas to add to cookie recipe when experimenting:
Cream of Tartar
Peanut butter
Nutella
Cinnamon
Apple Spice
Almond or Banana extract
Cream Cheese
Cream of Tartar
Peanut butter
Nutella
Cinnamon
Apple Spice
Almond or Banana extract
Cream Cheese
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
kamp debriefing
Ok, so God definitely stretched me at Kamp.
I have never gotten to the point before where I made it through a day and was like, "How on earth did that happen? I should have died, but instead I somehow found enough energy to jump and sing instead of laying down and just passing out on the floor at Krunk Kastle and I also somehow feel something akin to compassion for these girls, even though I want to bop their heads off." I was at my end and all I can say is that Jesus carried me -my broken, tired, and worn out body and mind, he carried me.
The first few days of that last session were the worst days for me of the entire time at kamp. I just wanted to give in and go home. I wanted to just exercise all day and not think about anyone else. I wanted to eat only the foods I feel safe with and I just wanted to stop feeling gross. I was having trouble remembering that my girls (kampers) were not my enemies, and in fact were they ones that I should be treating in the exact opposite way I was treating them. I was acting like everything they did or might possibly so was with the intention of getting me in trouble with leadership. I was lecturing them and being pretty military-like about everything. It was a struggle (one that I was losing during those days) to stay emotionally alive and connected; I was shutting down and wouldn't let anyone reach me and certainly refused to reach out to any kampers.
Extremism- At camp some people would say they didn't listen to any secular music or that they aren't kissing till marriage or that they don't wear anything that is above their knees or possibly shows cleavage. When people made such statements I found myself thinking, "that is just so extreme," but then came the thought, "Isn't that what Christ calls us to be? Extreme for Him?" Revelations says that He will spit lukewarm followers out, so I should be striving to be on fire, to be extreme. I don't want to use "I need to be relevant to the lost and so I need to know what's going on in the world" as an excuse to sin.
4 days of no work out- I did have a breakthrough the last 4 days of camp. I went 4 days without working out and did not roll up into the fetal position or completely freak out. I didn't think that was possible. I am so shocked at God's power. I could have worked out, but I didn't. I decided spending time with people was more important.
Kami was the locker coordinator at kamp and I had a tremendous amount of respect for her from the day I met her. She was often strict and tended to come across harsh, but I could tell it was only because she cares and she knows how serious safety is and how fragile a community and its trust can be. A lot of the most memorable positive words I recieved came from Kami. She told me that, when she first met me, she didn't think I would make it alive to the end of camp. She that the kampers would destroy me, but she said I proved her very wrong and that she is not often wrong. She also told me that she feels like I was one of the few people who is the same person at camp and at home (or wherever I go). I was also told that I have a quiet love and that that is not necessarily a bad thing, I am just not a loud love and that the world needs both. I always had mislabeled as "boring" what I can now call my quiet love and contentedness. I am not boring, I am just not naturally loud and demanding of attention.
Claire was on leadership and was a great example of servant leadership to me. The first night I got to camp, I started crying and hyperventilating because I couldn't find anyone to swim with me at 6am (we weren't allowed to swim alone). She volunteered to wake up at 5:45am and watch me swim, she didn't even know me. Also, throughout the term, I would see Claire back in the kitchens helping the komos refill food platters and sweeping the floor. She was always willing to go the extra mile for anyone, whether the world saw them as deserving or not.
Oh, and at camp, I met a girl from Maitland! Of all things, I met a girl at a camp in Missouri who lives in my neighborhood and both our dads work at Campus' head quarters. Crazy. The lovely lady's name is Karis.
Lacey was one of my co counselors while I was in G4 (girls locker 4, "duece duece"). Watching her interact with the campers, I was in awe of the wisdom and discernment that God had entrusted her with. She spoke calmly even when she was steaming and about to blow. She listened to them and let them know they were the most important person in the world to her when they spoke. She let God use her, despite whatever emotions she may have felt, and let him lead her in our cabin devos. The way she would ask questions (what the question was, when she would ask it, and her tone) was full of knowledge and compassion that came from Jesus.
Oh, and one of my 24's I had to take along because everyone had signed their names onto days that didn't have that many spots and so when I signed up, all days were crazy full and I had no choice but to take CrossTalk day alone (no one from guys side, the office, or the kitchen was off that night either). So I was bummed, but it was ok because one of the nurses had a houseboat I could stay at for $10 a night. While on my 24, I went out to dinner a lone at a very nice seafood restaraunt called The Pier in Kimberling City, MO.
I was a little underdressed in my shorts, flip flops, and t-shirt, since the place had white table cloths and two forks at the setting and such. Anyway, while waiting to be seated, this family of 3 came in and we made small talk. When I was seated at my table alone, the aforementioned family came by and invited me to sit with them for dinner. I gladly accepted, hoping I did not just agree to the most awkward dinner of my life.
Well, it turns out that they are awesome Christians; Travis is on the board of his church and Elizabeth is a lay counselor at her church. We talked about Christian camps (KAA and Risen Ranch), about how to make salvation exciting for students, and about what's going on the world politically. They also suggested a Bible study called Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson, which I just emailed my church about doing this upcoming school year. It was such a God thing that we all met and they were such an encouragement to me. They invited me to stay at their house if I work at KAA next summer.
I have never gotten to the point before where I made it through a day and was like, "How on earth did that happen? I should have died, but instead I somehow found enough energy to jump and sing instead of laying down and just passing out on the floor at Krunk Kastle and I also somehow feel something akin to compassion for these girls, even though I want to bop their heads off." I was at my end and all I can say is that Jesus carried me -my broken, tired, and worn out body and mind, he carried me.
The first few days of that last session were the worst days for me of the entire time at kamp. I just wanted to give in and go home. I wanted to just exercise all day and not think about anyone else. I wanted to eat only the foods I feel safe with and I just wanted to stop feeling gross. I was having trouble remembering that my girls (kampers) were not my enemies, and in fact were they ones that I should be treating in the exact opposite way I was treating them. I was acting like everything they did or might possibly so was with the intention of getting me in trouble with leadership. I was lecturing them and being pretty military-like about everything. It was a struggle (one that I was losing during those days) to stay emotionally alive and connected; I was shutting down and wouldn't let anyone reach me and certainly refused to reach out to any kampers.
Extremism- At camp some people would say they didn't listen to any secular music or that they aren't kissing till marriage or that they don't wear anything that is above their knees or possibly shows cleavage. When people made such statements I found myself thinking, "that is just so extreme," but then came the thought, "Isn't that what Christ calls us to be? Extreme for Him?" Revelations says that He will spit lukewarm followers out, so I should be striving to be on fire, to be extreme. I don't want to use "I need to be relevant to the lost and so I need to know what's going on in the world" as an excuse to sin.
4 days of no work out- I did have a breakthrough the last 4 days of camp. I went 4 days without working out and did not roll up into the fetal position or completely freak out. I didn't think that was possible. I am so shocked at God's power. I could have worked out, but I didn't. I decided spending time with people was more important.
Kami was the locker coordinator at kamp and I had a tremendous amount of respect for her from the day I met her. She was often strict and tended to come across harsh, but I could tell it was only because she cares and she knows how serious safety is and how fragile a community and its trust can be. A lot of the most memorable positive words I recieved came from Kami. She told me that, when she first met me, she didn't think I would make it alive to the end of camp. She that the kampers would destroy me, but she said I proved her very wrong and that she is not often wrong. She also told me that she feels like I was one of the few people who is the same person at camp and at home (or wherever I go). I was also told that I have a quiet love and that that is not necessarily a bad thing, I am just not a loud love and that the world needs both. I always had mislabeled as "boring" what I can now call my quiet love and contentedness. I am not boring, I am just not naturally loud and demanding of attention.
Claire was on leadership and was a great example of servant leadership to me. The first night I got to camp, I started crying and hyperventilating because I couldn't find anyone to swim with me at 6am (we weren't allowed to swim alone). She volunteered to wake up at 5:45am and watch me swim, she didn't even know me. Also, throughout the term, I would see Claire back in the kitchens helping the komos refill food platters and sweeping the floor. She was always willing to go the extra mile for anyone, whether the world saw them as deserving or not.
Oh, and at camp, I met a girl from Maitland! Of all things, I met a girl at a camp in Missouri who lives in my neighborhood and both our dads work at Campus' head quarters. Crazy. The lovely lady's name is Karis.
Lacey was one of my co counselors while I was in G4 (girls locker 4, "duece duece"). Watching her interact with the campers, I was in awe of the wisdom and discernment that God had entrusted her with. She spoke calmly even when she was steaming and about to blow. She listened to them and let them know they were the most important person in the world to her when they spoke. She let God use her, despite whatever emotions she may have felt, and let him lead her in our cabin devos. The way she would ask questions (what the question was, when she would ask it, and her tone) was full of knowledge and compassion that came from Jesus.
Oh, and one of my 24's I had to take along because everyone had signed their names onto days that didn't have that many spots and so when I signed up, all days were crazy full and I had no choice but to take CrossTalk day alone (no one from guys side, the office, or the kitchen was off that night either). So I was bummed, but it was ok because one of the nurses had a houseboat I could stay at for $10 a night. While on my 24, I went out to dinner a lone at a very nice seafood restaraunt called The Pier in Kimberling City, MO.
I was a little underdressed in my shorts, flip flops, and t-shirt, since the place had white table cloths and two forks at the setting and such. Anyway, while waiting to be seated, this family of 3 came in and we made small talk. When I was seated at my table alone, the aforementioned family came by and invited me to sit with them for dinner. I gladly accepted, hoping I did not just agree to the most awkward dinner of my life.
Well, it turns out that they are awesome Christians; Travis is on the board of his church and Elizabeth is a lay counselor at her church. We talked about Christian camps (KAA and Risen Ranch), about how to make salvation exciting for students, and about what's going on the world politically. They also suggested a Bible study called Song of Solomon by Tommy Nelson, which I just emailed my church about doing this upcoming school year. It was such a God thing that we all met and they were such an encouragement to me. They invited me to stay at their house if I work at KAA next summer.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Kamp.
I Have 11 more days at Kamp. Today is my first 24 hours off since June 19. I have had 2 seven hour spans of time off previous to today. Kamp is really strict. No coffee, no food outside of the training tables, only really long shorts. If you leave a light or fan on, your lose your free period (you only get 3 a week at the most). If you leave a Safety Sam Sign up, you will get 2 hours off your 24 or $25 out of your check. I can only work out for 40 minutes at the pool before the kids wake up and before the guy starts cleaning it. I have to get up at 5:30am and get out of the pool before 6:30am, so that I can wake the kids at 6:45am for morning showers. When I finally get a free period, I am so tired from going to bed at midnight that I cannot find the energy to lift weights. I feel emotionally shut down and really need Christ to give me His love and compassion for these girls. Last session, I had a girl lie and tell me she was pregnant and had been gang raped. There was a girl who had been in rehab for drugs at only 13 years old. I will tell you more later, on my next 24 or when I get home.
A Laugh
Mark Sanford described his girlfriend as his “soulmate.” And I thought, well, if there is one thing that beautiful women love, it’s a fiscal conservative, am I right?
But Governor Mark Sanford didn’t really enjoy this year’s Fourth of July. He left his favorite firecracker in Argentina.^From the New York Times' Laugh Lines Blog
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