Lovable.

I was angry at first at my dad for cheating my mom out of a real romance, for not telling her until they were married for about 6 or 7 years and his boyfriend broke up with him and he was completely distraught.

Now I am finding myself getting angry at my mom because she is talking about possibly getting back with my dad, but not because she is in love with him or anything. Just because it is easier. Easier than being alone. Easier financially. Easier because she thinks it will take away her guilt for asking for a divorce.

I think that the truth is she doesn't think there will be anyone out there that will love her/love her better. She doesn't know if she deserves something better or will ever be able to find anything better. She doesn't think that a love, a selfless love, a joyful love, a love that is focused on her and God and without adultery exists. She doesn't think she is desirable, lovable.

I wonder if I inferred some of her feelings of being unlovable and transferred them to myself and men and God (refer back to various posts when Alex and I first started dating, first semester).