Today in adolescent learner we talked about homosexuality. We talked about how 28% of gay men have had over 1,000 partners and I thought about how mom said you were one of those 28%. We talked about how there are countless people who say that they have been able to turn from homosexuality, or "cure" themselves with the help of psychologists. Why doesn't God like homosexuality? What is so wrong about it that it offends God and goes against His nature? If some psychologists claim a 65% success rate of helping people get out of homosexuality, what's going on with the other 35%? Does the other 35% not want to be heterosexual badly enough? Are they not trying hard enough? Are they struggling with being gay for a different reason than the people who are able to turn away from it? More specifically, why have you been struggling with it so long? Why hasn't God helped you? You have gone to so many conferences and psychologists, read so many books, been to so many support groups, why do other people claim success when you keep struggling?
Mom has told me that your father did a horrible job of showing his love for you, in addition to never telling you that he loved you until you were over 50. Mom has also told me that you were sexually abused by your own grandfather when you were young. I know that you were an alcoholic and a frat boy in college, but never had sex because you weren't attracted to women. Instead, you went steady with good, christian girls who were happy to be dating a guy who didn't want to have sex with them. From what I have overheard, been told, and observed, grandma and grandpa had a very platonic relationship. Grandpa would give up anything for grandma, but didn't seem to be passionate about her. He did all the right things, but there never seemed to be any love behind them, just perfunctory obedience to what a husband should do. I felt like you were the same. No desire, no burning love or desire, no passion, just really good and honorable actions. Nothing bad, but nothing wonderful. Just there. No holding hands, no helping with the dishes; you did read to me at night for a little while, and that is one of the things that I cherish about growing up -especially the times you let me read, even if it irritated you because I read so slowly.
I read recently that girls whose fathers were more physically affectionate have higher self esteem. My friend Sara Menshouse was describing how she misses her dad so much and loves that she can go home over fall break and just watch a movie and cuddle up with him. I have been feeling so desperate for male approval and can't help but wonder how our relationship has effected that. When mom told me, I felt as if someone had killed the father for which I had always hoped. I had always felt like there had been the smallest chance that I would not only be told that I was loved, but really be loved; that day I felt like that chance was smashed to millions of pieces. I had no other words to describe how I felt except, "I feel like he died."
My freshman year of college, I began to realize that I did not feel worthy of love, or loveable for that matter. I felt conflicted that Alex would want to date me when I had not even baked a cake for him or given him a ride anywhere in my car. How I feel about myself is not your fault, but I do feel that our family's dynamics were a big part in it. My view of what a marriage should be is so skewed. I know in my that spouses should have fairly independent worlds, but should still be an inseparable part of each other's worlds; in reality, I am finding hard to get a balance between not being a part at all of Alex's life and him being everything in my life. I also have a hard time with just what to expect out of marraige and how a guy should treat me. I don't want to be alright with a guy not helping me out with dishes. I don't want to be alright with a guy putting his friends above me; I want to be the most important thing, but then at the same time I do not want to be the only thing. Because of the relationship between you and mom, I do not have any idea how this balance should be between men and women.
It makes me sad that, up until a few months ago, I just assumed that not kissing, holding each other, holding hands, or having sex was just a normal part of marriage after kids. As I have talked with people at Asbury, I have learned that couples with kids at all ages are still attracted to each other.
I feel like your spending of money on cars and technology is selfish. You always bought cars for yourself, but never for mom. The most recent car she got was not even the one she really wanted. And the computers you buy the family are never very good. The computer you bought mom and mary was a laptop with almost no hard drive or memory, when they specifically asked for a desk top with lots of space on it. Why you didn't buy Mary and mom what they wanted -it was no more expensive than what you bought- is beyond me. I can only assume that you thought your opinion was better and that, because you wanted a laptop, mom and Mary would want a lap top (even though they told you they wanted a desk top).
I sometimes feel like I am looking for a father, not a boyfriend/husband, that I am expecting a boyfriend to be a father and not a boyfriend. He can't fill that role for me, but I still look to other men to take the on that role.
I wish you would have spent more time with us. Instead of sitting on your computer most nights, you could have gotten to know me. I don't really think it was the lack of time we spent together (because, frankly, I was busy), but more the lack of deep interest in me that I perceived from you. Could you tell me my favorite book, if asked you? Did you know that I think stuffed animals are a waste of space? How about that I go through food obsessions every once in a while (peanut butter, rice, smoothies, etc)? Did you know that one of my top goals is in life is to see the Northern Lights? Thank you for coming to my voice recitals, school plays, soccer games talent shows, and all the other crazy things I participated in.
I am afraid I have lost faith in marriage. I don't know if this hopelessness or temporary or permanent. It just seems so crazy to burden oneself with another sinful, messed up person for the rest of one's life. People constantly change, especially in the teen years and twenties. If I am going to change, and another person is going to change, or one of us is not being honest about who we really are (like you were with mom, who apparently was blind and never picked up on anything), what's the point of making a commitment to someone if they will be a different person a few years later?
Thank you for coming home every night and providing money for our family.
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