Dawn and I have discussed recently that I do not like to be assertive, like when I am with kids at the day camp. Instead of telling them authoritatively to do something, I would say, "would you please put away your legos?" or "Tim, why don't you stop throwing sticks?"
Mary and I went together to Dawn today and discussed my mom telling Mary that Mary wasn't fat and then pointing to my stomach and saying that I even have "a little chunk." She asked why we don't ask her to stop, or why we don't tell her we are too overwhelmed to hear about what she thinks about the divorce. I have said that I feel like I don't have the words or that I will say it rudely or be mean about it, I am afraid I will say it the wrong way. Dawn asked what would happen if I did say it the wrong way and I said I was afraid she would cry, that I would sound rude, that I would upset my mom. I told her that my mom often apologizes for being "a bad mom," for not disciplining us, or something or other. Then she tries to make herself feel better by saying how she let us be independent, sent us to camp, let us travel, made sure we did well in school.
Dawn said that it sounded like my mom needed other people to give her her value, that she was "co-dependent." She said that her self worth/image is most likely very fragile and dependent on other people. I cannot feel guilty for making my mother cry/upset because I tell her that I cannot hear her talk about the divorce or her past or my dad's past or her thoughts on her marriage or parenting. I cried when Dawn told me this. I felt like I was in Good Will Hunting, when Robin Williams tells Matt Damon, "it's not your fault" over and over again.
Dawn says that eating disorders, sexual addictions, and same sex attraction usually spring from the same well, the well being emotional wounds. She said that my dad fits very well into the sexual addict in his struggle with same sex attraction. She said that it is very common for codependents and addicts to marry each other. They work well together.
My mom likes to focus on others instead of focusing on herself. She likes to take care of others instead of taking care of herself. She usually finds one or two people a year that she kind of takes under her wing and helps. She even calls them her "projects." My dad said she thought she could fix him and that she kind of thought of him as one of her "projects." Dawn says that that is probably why she stayed so long, because it felt like there was a pay off. She was helping him, she was getting something out of staying.
Other people like to talk about how noble their parents were because they went eight years without buying new clothes for themselves, only buying new clothes for their children. I feel like you could attribute that nobleness to my mom, or you could look at it and say that we weren't hard pressed for money with my dad's Channel 6 job and that she just doesn't ever do anything for herself and will do everything for someone else.
I suppose I will have to tell her to stop talking about certain things with me or in front of me, to stop confiding in me and to find friends or a counselor to talk things through with.
I think Mary felt pretty comfortable with Dawn, atleast comfortable enough to start crying while we talked about things. I hope Mary goes back to Dawn even when I am at school. I will continue meeting with Dawn while at school, but over the phone and every other week.
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