There's too much, I don't want it write it, but I will anyway. Oh, and I still really wish I had my own room.
My weekend was good. It was pretty lonely, but it wasn't bad. Friday night I worked on my Old Testament paper and watched a movie with John. Saturday I worked out, tried to re-memorize my song for midterm, wrote the rest of my Old Testament Paper, then went to bed (it was a very lonely, uneventful Saturday, everyone was gone). Sunday I went to church and then asked anyone to go to Walmart with me and Alex volunteered.
The whole time I was at Walmart, all I could think about was Alex kissing me, how badly I wanted to be kissing him. We hugged at one point and that made me crazy for him. I could tell that he was feeling the same way. He dropped me off and texted me about how hard it had been to not kiss me while in Walmart and on the car ride home. We started texting dirty, it wasn't good. Anyway, he was happy because he got to text dirty, but I wasn't, I wanted the real thing, the real physical him. I felt so ashamed that I had indulged him in his texting and that I had been wanting/expecting him to return the favor by actually kissing (which did not happen, btw).
Then this morning he texts me and says "I have something I want to tell you in person. It's about April." -April is this girl from his highschool who has had a crush on him since their sophomore year. She drove down 2 hours on Valetine's Day to see him. She texts him constantly. At the dinner table, Alex gets about one text every 5 minutes from her and I am not overexaggerating. In Walmart, he got at least 6 texts from her that I know of. Anyway, so I freaked out and cussed at him because it sounded like he was going to tell me he was dating her. It turns out that he just wanted to tell me that he was stressed because April asked him to be her boyfriend and he said that he still liked me and then she said she would wait because she understood how painful break ups can be.
I started talking about how I was sorry that I freaked out on him and that I have just been really angry every since finding out about my dad and how Alex wouldn't hang out with me as much as I wanted him to during fall semester and so that added to my anger and then my parents officially divorced (added to my anger) and Mom is being an idiot about dealing with Mary and Ernie and then Alex and I broke up (more and more anger and hurt and confusion and lashing out at people and snapping and arguing). I said I was sorry that I was so angry and that it was a lot of my fault that we kept arguing and fighting and that I have never been so angry before and it was a new feeling for me. I told Alex that April is probably better for him than me anyway because he has a similar socioeconomic status and background and upbringing to her (more so than I do). He told me that I was having a rough time and I got a lil mad and told him that my "rough time" was about to be "rough years" because it has been hard since my parents separated over a year ago and that I was sorry I took my frustrations out on other people who don't deserve my frustrations and that I would probably keep losing people/friends if I kept being this angry and hurting everyone. Then Alex said that he couldn't "do this" anymore and that he couldn't help someone who was so negative.
It's funny, almost everyone thinks I am a really positive person. Not Alex. He got to see the real me, the me when I'm not at my perkiest or my best, the me that is hurt, and he didn't like it. He decided he didn't want to spend time with that Amy. He wanted the lighthearted Amy back. That's the problem, he only liked the happy Amy. I don't know if anyone will ever love (except God) the other Amy enough to put up with the whole Amy.
Oh, and that midterm song that I had to sing for the studio tonight that I put in over 7 hours of work and memorizing into this week? I got to the 4th measure of the song and lost it and never found it again, I sang random Italian words and random times on random pitches in a desperate effort to find my place, of course there was the occasional long awkward pause where I tried to think of some more random Italian. I cried a lot after I got back to me seat and had to listen to everyone else sing.
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