However, planning a fake wedding is very different from planning and/or attending a real wedding. Real weddings are not as much fun. In fact, although they are sweet, they are so bitter. I go mostly because I want to critique the event, not because I want to see a happy couple make a public statement of their commitment.
Weddings hurt. How on earth did this girl find a guy who she is attracted to, let alone can have a conversation with? I am glad for them, really. But I don't really want to have to witness them being happy. I suppose that is selfish or a sign of being wounded probably. It's not jealousy though. It's sadness.
I haven't been able to hear about someone falling in love or getting married and genuinely be happy and sadness-free since my break up with "he-who-must-not-be-named." In January, it will be two years since then. I want to be happy for my friends, but when I hear them bubbling over with happiness at something their boyfriend/fiancée/husband did, my heart doesn't automatically jump up, it sinks. Maybe once that doesn't happen, and my first reactions is to truly rejoice with them, then I will find someone.
I just have this sinking feeling that I will not get married until I am 30. Everyone tells me that is not true, that I am "ripe for the picking," or "such a catch" that it would be impossible for me to get married so late. But being nice and pretty or whatever has nothing to do getting married. It's about timing and finding the right person. Sure, lots of guys think I am nice and/or pretty, but how many of them can I carry on a conversation with, can love me and I them, are following God, and actually want to marry me and I them? Not any of them so far. And there is a good chance that all of those things won't align for a while, no matter how much a of a "catch" I am.
And it's not only that they have found a best friend with whom them want to do life with and start a family with, but they also get to have sex. I know, that seems rather trivial, but trying to wait until marriage is so hard once it feels like all of your friends have either a.) had sex, b.) are engaged and going to have sex soon, or c.) married and have had sex. It sucks. Major. There's no one to talk about it with, get excited about the wedding night with, or wonder about it or yearn for it with because everyone has done it and it's old news to them.
1 comment:
Hey lady,
Cheer up.
I couldn't stand happy relationships for about year and a half after the messiness with this guy I was head over heels in some emotion with. And even later than that, some relationships would still make me feel that way. Even now, with my cousin Tegan who is probably my best friend in the world--I get so jealous of the way she just seems to get guys. She's rarely single for more than two months at a time and though I know the guys she dates aren't always the best kind, I still wish I could be like her and get a guy at the drop of the hat like she seems to do. But I also understand that it's not like that, and so when I'm most honest with myself I can let go of it and chill, but it's difficult.
I don't think not getting married in or right out of college should be that big of a deal. When the guy for you comes along, it'll be right, and maybe it's better if that's later. You have a lot of life, Amy, so take hold and enjoy what you got and when the time comes more life (and men! can't forget the men!) will present itself. At least, that's what I think. And yeah I get lonely, jealous, scared, even, on occasion, envious, but I know that my life has to mean something before I intertwine my life with someone else's. And even if I don't find someone until later, it's going to be worth the person I meet, and I'm going to have the experience and knowledge of myself to be able to make it work with that person for the long haul. So what if you get married at 30? Even 40? When the time's right for you, you'll know. And that may be in two years or twenty, and I think that either way, when you know, it'll make the life you lived up until that point all the sweeter.
And BOY, DO I UNDERSTAND WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT SEX. See, I'm not necessarily waiting until marriage, but I am waiting until someone I love comes along. Someone who trusts me as much as I trust them, and all those gooshy, awesome things I think about in my free time. Sex is a really important act to me, so I won't have it until the right person and and place and time and me are all together in one room, which I figure will take a bit.
In Racine, my hometown, my entire circle of friends has had sex except for me and one other girl I know. I am not exaggerating. In a circle of about fifty or so people, I know one other person who hasn't had sex. And yeah, some of my friends don't place the same value on sex that I do, and some did wait with anticipation for their wedding night, but it's always just so...gah when I think about how much of an outsider I get to feel like then. In fact, the room went quiet when I was kidding around with one of my friends that I just hadn't had sex yet because it was icky (a running joke between me and her, though she knows the real reason) and there was the WORST. AWKWARD. SILENCE. EVER. But I know other people, like you, and my remaining fellow-virgin, and a handful of people in school with me now, and from high school who are all on the same page as I am.
People move at different rates, I guess, and you and me have our own paths to follow and we'll get to that landmark when we're really ready (not just REALLY WANTING).
Also, the ex guy from above who kind of left me thrown about got married this summer. I remember just feeling an incredible void when I saw he got engaged, but by now I just wish him the best.
The point of this little novella is that there a lot of people who feel a little bit like you do (with their own tinges on the situation), and that I really believe it gets better, so I wanted to tell you that you're not alone and it will.
It's not usually easy, but all things pass. Even good stuff, so especially make sure to savor those!
Post a Comment