Overwhelmed

I've known it for a while, but never put words to it:
I want stop living as if my life-before-I-get-married only serves the purpose of preparing me for marriage.
I want to stop thinking in terms of before-I-get-married and when-I-am-married.
I want to stop being a perfectionist and codependent for myself.
I want to be a more emotionally and mentally sound person for my sake, not for a future marriage/relationship.
I do not want to want to be a more healthy person primarily to be a better wife or have a better marriage.
I am sick of being told that I am single because God is making me into a more beautiful woman for my husband.
I am tired of dividing my life into two phases, single and married.
I want to live for me, not for some ideal state that I have fantasized about and have been brought up to long for.

I was at Dawn's today and we were talking about how I am dreading this upcoming semester at Asbury. This Christmas break has not been perfect, but I have felt so much more at peace about being single, about not being engaged or in a relationship. I mean, I still have desires and feel lonely, but it's more bearable and is not as much of a consuming pain as it was a month or so ago. I feel like the change has a lot to do with that I have not been constantly surrounded by couples who are in love for 3 whole weeks and no one around me is an engaged 20 year old.

It's so much easier to be content with just myself when I am not bombarded by images of couples all day long. In general, people are not expecting 20 year olds to be looking for their spouse outside of Asbury. It's so much less pressure away from Asbury. It makes me want to graduate from Asbury as soon as possible so that I can get out into the real world where it is ok and even normal to fall in love with someone but not jump into marriage.

P.S.
I feel like 2009 could be called The Year of the Break Up for me. Breaking up with Alex, and also breaking with ED. Although I can feel the healing from breaking up with my ex boyfriend, ED is not giving up as easily and I am still fighting through that one. Although I wish I did not have to go through all of the pain that 2009 has been filled with and it kinda seems like a lost year, I know it has been worth it. I am hoping that, although I had to re-break the bone in 2009, 2010 can be the year in which I begin to heal properly.

P.P.S.
Thank you, Kara, for showing patience to me and for being willing to give me much-needed reality checks.