Needy

I am so pathetic sometimes.

I talked to Alex Sunday night and Monday morning. We talked about how we both were not doing well at getting over each other, how we both wanted to get over this but at the same time couldn't help but hope to get back together eventually. We talked about how we would like to get back together after college if we could change in the next 2 years. I was so happy Monday afternoon, and then Tuesday came and I felt so stupid for letting myself hope. Hoping and talking to him caused me to backslide, for me to actually admit I still liked him. It made all those feeling (that I had been suppressing and denying) come to the surface. It hurt. Like hell.

I talked to Dorothy. I didn't want to waste 2 years hoping, but I didn't want to try and go on dates with other guys and find it futile. It felt futile sometimes to talk to other guys. He is still my first thought in the morning. Dorothy said to just try and see who else is out there and not try to be near Alex all the time or to text Alex all the time. If we should be together, we will get back together; if we are not, we will move on, even if one moves on before the other. She said that she and her husband broke up for over a year before getting back together and then getting married. She said her son and daughter-in-law did the same, but for 8 months. Being needy is repulsive.

I've been trying not to text him all day and it is so hard! I have deleted his number from my phone, but I have it memorized and it feels like it's killing me not to text him, not to find out where he is sitting at dinner and talk to him, not to ask him how his day was, not sit next to him in class. I did well today with my actions, but my desire to have some sort of contact with him had me going crazy all day and still do.

Then at dinner he text me asking me what I was doing Saturday night and if I wanted to see a movie. I had to tell him no. I have to prove to him and myself that I do not need him. I shouldn't need him, I should choose him, I should want to be with him, not need to be with him. I hope this summer away from him helps me. This is crazy hard right now.