I began lifeguard training last week with the Red Cross. I need to be certified in lifeguarding, as well WSI, in order to work at Kids Across America this summer so that I can teach swimming. Class is a little tough, but enjoyable for the most part. The instructor has an interest in wilderness therapy and EBD/at-risk kids, so I got along well with her when talking about at-risk children and teens. Rachel, a girl from school who is also taking the class, has an interest in wilderness therapy, so all three of us have really good conversations. The instructor, after watching the class help each other learn specific rescues that some of us had trouble with, told me that I would be very good at working with elementary or at-risk students because I have incredible patience. Her words are so encouraging to me because of my love to work with students and what I want to do this summer (work with inner-city teens). Lifeguard training was 9 hours last Saturday, 9 hours last Sunday and will be the same this upcoming Saturday and Sunday, then I am done, certified, officially a lifeguard through the Red Cross -yay.
I started talking to Dawn again this week. I have made a promise for lent: I will go to the eating disorder support group on campus every single week I am in the state of KY during lent. It has been really hard the past two or three weeks to not exercise twice a day. Only once have I given in and actually done cardio twice in one day. SO often I get into bed and feel incredibly gross and want to freak out and go exercise because I feel like I have eaten too much. I have the sensation of wanting to cut or scrub or scratch the fat off of my stomach, even though I know I am fine and that I look good and I even like my body and the way I look.
Even though it's annoying, it's good that Ben asks me every evening if I am coming to dinner and that he encourages me to only work out once a day. When he asks, I know he cares and that he would notice if I was gone. Knowing that he would notice my absence from dinner compells me to go to the cafeteria for meals. No one else asks if I am coming though. I feel like the only reason Ben asks me is because he is seriously hung up on my romantically and would like to date me. I feel like, when he gets over me romantically, he will not ask if I am coming to dinner or care enough to tell me not to exercise too much. I feel like he only cares because he likes me romantically.
I miss having Alex to confide in. I felt like he didn't judge me, didn't try to fix me or always give me advice, he didn't have some theory about why or what I was doing. I felt like he could understand what I was talking about and almost sympathize with how I could feel the way I did. I feel like Ben and Sarah, the only other people who I feel like really care about me and see me on a regular basis, would not be able to understand when I try to tell them what I just described above in feeling like I need to work out more and how I want to cut the "fat" out almost. I felt like, if Alex didn't understand, he would at least admit that he didn't know how to help and that he loved me and wouldn't judge me. Can anyone really care enough about me to check up and see if I have worked out too much or if I have eaten enough if they are not my mother and they are not interested in me romantically? Often, I feel like the only reason guys talk to me for an extended amount of time is because they want me physically sometimes.
Oh, and today in Com 150, we talked about Gottman's Four Horses that predict divorce. My professor had us watch some interviews with couples who were predicted to divorce and, it felt like to me, my professor kind of made fun of/ridiculed the man who had emotionally withdrawn from his wife (even though the man was saying with his mouth that he really wanted to work on things and to connect and communicate). When my prof made fun of the man, it felt like my prof was ridiculing my parents, my family, the divorce, my dad's challenges in connecting with his own wife and daughters. It was an awful feeling and it almost made me cry in class.
P.S.
I really want to make an Orange Yogurt Cake when I get home
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