So a lot has happened over this past semester. I realized that my mom has instilled the value of physical appearance in me like crazy, that not everyone thinks the motto "if you look good, you feel good." I learned that I really need to exercise self control when it comes to physical attraction (don't worry, I'm still a virgin and plan to be that way until my wedding night). I'm trying to find my identity in Christ and instead of having it shift from the being the smart/good girl to being the city girl.
I've learned that I have the most difficult time believing that I am lovable, that I am worthy of others caring about me that I am valuable enough for them to spend their time on me, that sacrificing something for me is worth it. What I just said applies to Christ's crucifixion, applies to my friendships, and applies to romantic relationships. When Alex first showed interest in me, it drove me crazy because I couldn't figure out anything I had done to "earn" his interest -I hadn't baked him a cake, I hadn't given him rides into town, I hadn't even hugged him.
One night, I got so upset that I feel so unworthy, I ran as far as fast as I could outside (it had to be in the low 40's, at the highest). I sprinted almost 2 miles, crying half the time because Christ's love and sacrifice is so beyond my understanding. I actually ended up running past Alex as he was walking to his dorm, so we walked around the semi-circle 2 or 3 times just talking about it. I was kinda scared he'd be like, "wow, I can't date you, you're clearly insane." But he didn't, he just did what he could, he listened.
Coming back home has been nice with my sister around, but my mom stresses me out like mad. Apparently she is still toying with the idea of Phil and talks to him on the phone every night for at least an hour. Oh, and she told me the other day, "you know, I believe divorce is morally wrong, divorce goes against all of my values, but when my only other option is suicide, I don't think I have a choice." I didn't tell my dad she said that, it would hurt him too much. Apparently she was date-raped by a guy she dated in college too, I never knew that before a month or so ago either. I don't even know what to do with all of that, how to file it in my brain, how to keep it from coming up as thought vomit and making feel sick. I hate it when I make her cry, or just when she cries in general, but it is so easy to do. Before I left for Christmas Camp, I sat her down and asked her point blank to stop saying, "well, you're in love, that's what you're supposed to feel like" or "of course honey, you're in love, that's how it is" or just the phrase "you're in love" in general. She has stopped saying it, but I have only been around her for 3-4 since I asked her. Mary said that mom said that I got mad at her saying that stuff... yeah, of course I would get irked, he's only my first-ever boyfriend, I've only known him one semester, I can't even begin to fathom what "love" means or what a healthy long-term romantic relationship (let alone marriage) should look like.
My dad is being really sweet and he completely wants to get back with my mom. He's doing fairly well in his 550 square-foot apartment in Baldwin Park and he hasn't starved yet. We went to Chinese (I had to tofu vegetable lo mien) the other night and then watched How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, it was so fun. We also walked down to Barnie's and got some iced coffees one afternoon. Alex keeps saying he wants to meet my dad; I hope they get along.
Alex invited me to go with his mom, aunt, and sister to see him at the swimming nationals in Texas. His aunt works for Delta and thinks she could get me a free ticket to Texas. That would be so neat; I'd love to see him swim, but I'd also love to get to know his family better. Only problem is that I am sure the cheerleaders will have to present at the big basketball tournament that same weekend. At the same time though, to do go to Texas with his family implies a really serious relationship to me. I don't know if I can honestly say I am ready for that. I know we are boyfriend/girlfriend, but to fly half way across the country for a swim meet feels way serious, more serious than I am able to commit to at this point.
I didn't talk to Alex for 4 days in a row while at Christmas Camp with Northland's high school youth group. They let me go as a senior, since that is what I would have normally been. It was nice to see everyone, though at times their conversations didn't apply to me much anymore. I learned that there are modern-day monasteries in the U.S., even in cities like Tampa and Orlando. Zach Young taught a class on ancient prayers and talked about how the monks pray 5-7 times a day for the world, for their communities, for anything and everything. Prashan talked about his prayer life; he is such an encouragement to my faith. Overall, it was a good time for fellowship, for my walk with God, and just to joke around, but I don't know if I will go next year as work crew. I think my time at Northland is over and I know that I am ready to be part of a different community now.
Anywho, I will try to keep you updated this upcoming semester, but I have less time to do update frequently in college.
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