Most recent exciting news: I have mailed my deposit for a photo shoot to be a 1940's pin up girl (cheesecake style). I am pretty excited. It will be in Philly before the Holidays. I cannot express how psyched I am to do this! I am going to get two cute shots of me in a lacy night reading a letter (presumably from a boy in the war) and one of me in a dress to balance out the two more risque ones. It's a lot of money, but I have wanted it since high school and it seems like my 21st birthday/graduation is the perfect time for it!
*The following is psychological musings upon observing my sister's and my recent behavior*
In other news, I've been thinking a lot about my appearance, my relationships with guys, and how I get/hold the attention of men. It has a lot to do with the idea that has been subconsciously ingrained in me -that love is earned. I guess I try to earn love by creating a perfect body, by creating yummy things in the kitchen, by trying to be sexually exciting, by having nice clothes, by making good grades and doing well at work.
It so often feels like the only way to get a guy to talk to me, to pay attention to me, (to show me I am worth something), is to somehow catch their imagination alluding to physical intimacy, whether that be through the way I dress, the shape of my body, or my abilities as a do It mestic goddess. It just seems like the only way to get a male's attention (or a response to text even) is to allude to sexual intimacy, or at least do something worthy of his time, which is usually sex-related with young men. I hate that I feel like I don't know how to get a guy's attention without talking somewhat like a flirt or talking about typically off-limits subjects.
The thought, "I wonder what guys would treat me like, if they would all still like me and ask me out, if I gained 20 pounds," has never run through my mind as much as it has lately. I think that is a good thing for my recovery from Ed, but it's still a sad thought.
Even the past few days I have been feeling like Jason has not been replying to my texts much or shown much interest in talking on the phone and the thought that he has lost interest keeps crossing my mind. My immediate response to whether he has lost interest or not is to want to send him a dirty text message to get him to reply. I haven't done it yet, because I don't want to have another relationship based on physical intimacy, but it's so hard not to. He says that he likes me and that my body is "just a really nice perk," but I don't know if I believe him. I don't think he has complimented me on anything but my body. It doesn't help that the idea of him losing interest makes me want to cling to him and hold his attention even more. It makes me needy for his attention. I wish it didn't. I know in my head I am valuable and don't need him, but why else would I crave attention so badly?
Of course, sex gives a girl control over the guy. Maybe this gets back to the control issue. Sex gives me control over guys when everything feels like it is getting out control because I feel like he isn't paying attention to me. Choosing what I eat (according to my counselor) gives me control when everything is out of control too.
I even dreamed last night that I was waiting downstairs for Jason to talk me on a date while he was getting ready and showering. I had been waiting quite a while, so I went upstairs to check on him. The shower was running, he was not in it. He had kept the shower running to trick me into thinking he was still getting ready, but had actually gone into another room to play a video game. When I found him gaming, I tried to distract/seduce him, but he was only slightly interested. ....Even my dreams are screaming about this subject.
I want to tell Jason all of this, but I don't want him to freak out and think I am needy. I don't want him to take what I have said in an attempt to understand myself and for him to understand me, and then use it against me later on as if the faults that I pointed out in an effort to be honest were his own ideas and observations. I am afraid he will use my words against me. Alex did that.
No comments:
Post a Comment