Open Hearts and Breakdowns

Pretty much, my life the last few weeks has been controllable, but just barely. I think the only reason I am still sane is because God is giving me the strength to somehow remember things and actually get them done. The opera went really well, thought it was very time consuming and cheer leading will be over in less than 2 weeks, so that will really boost my emotional stability.

Alex and I are doing well, though both of us have been stressed and so a little unpredictable. Alex just had conference (which his team won) last week and will be in Texas for Nationals next week, so he is stressing because of that (in addition to trying to juggle school and family matters and me). I have this scholarship competition this weekend, plus music classes and cheer leading.

To be honest, I broke down about 2 weeks ago and just uncontrollably sobbed about my parents' relationship after chapel. Erin held me in her arms and repeated, "it's ok not be strong, it's ok to hurt." I really needed to hear those words. Alex had his breakdown 2 Sundays ago. I had wanted him to go to church in the evening with me, but he kept avoiding the subject. I finally stormed out of the cafeteria crying because he wouldn't come and got into my car and started to drive away. I got a text from Alex saying that he was on his way, so I stopped, still angry and hurt, and waited until I saw him walking towards my car. He was crying, his eyes were red, he couldn't speak without starting to cry. I just held him (we were in my car in the parking lot) and then drove to starbucks to get him a hot chocolate. He didn't say anything on the way there, he would occasionally start to cry. I let him wait till he was ready to talk. I held him some more in that parking lot, prayed for him, then he asked to go to the Icthus grounds. I knew what he wanted to do; he wanted to walk around outside, talk to God, just be.

So I drove to Icthus, he got out and told me to stay in the car so I wouldn't freeze (it would in the 20's). But I didn't want to stay in the car, I wanted to be with him, so I sat outside on the ground and prayed for him (wrapped in all my blankets that were in my car) and waited for him to come back. WHen he came back he smiled at the sight of me, kind of cold, praying. He picked me up and put me in the car and he finally told me what all was happening with swimming, with school, with his parents' marriage, with his dad's health, with his siblings. I definitely gained a better perspective of him that night.