Back to Dad

Ok, so here's the deal: Parentals are divorcing. My mom is tired of my dad "not being part of the family," but my dad still wants to stay with us. Gah, there is so much to say on this subject, I have no clue where to start.

Well, if anyone had asked me last year whether my dad loved me, I would have quickly replied, "yes." However, now I would most likely reply, "....yeah."

My mom has been complaining for years that my dad was pretty much emotionally unavailable past a certain point. She would complain that he just sat fiddling with his computer as soon as he would get home, eat dinner with us, then go back to his laptop, then go to bed.

I never realized how right she was until this year. I am not sure if it was living outside of my house or my mom finally asking my dad for a divorce that helped me to realize she was correct.

I went a home to see my sister sing in her school musical (she was the lead) about three weeks before school ended. On my way to the airport to go back to school, I realized I forgot my cellphone. On the plane to Louisville, I realized I left my keys in Florida (the keys to my car that I was supposed to driver from Louisville to Lexington to get back). I had to use my few spare quarters to call my mom in Florida and ask her to call Alex with my cell phone on Sunday morning at 10am. Alex said that as soon as her heard my mom's voice from my cell phone number, he knew something was wrong and immediately jumped out of bed and pulled on some jeans. Alex called all of our friends until he found someone to drive him (and my spare key) to Louisville.
Even though he had a paper due the next day and wasn't even close to finishing ::cough:: starting ::cough:: it, Alex told me that the thought of not coming to get me never even entered his mind. He was so nice when he finally found me at the airport, he never complained once about pretty much wasting the entire day because I did something stupid, he was just glad I was ok. When he was down here for a week, he told my mom that he had never been so worried and hated not being able to know for sure if I was ok (because I had left my phone in Florida too).

When I thought about it, my dad would have never acted like Alex. My dad would have mumbled about all the things he had planned that day and then have tried to finish some of them before coming to get me. So, about 2 or 3 hours after my call, he would have felt ready to leave, then, once he got me, he would have mumbled about his plans for that day every time we got behind a slow car or stopped at a red light. Alex didn't do any of that, not once.

I guess I just never saw how selfish my dad was. I know he cared for me, but I just don't know it is possible for him to really love someone how someone would ideally be loved. He had a pretty cold upbringing from his parents (no hugs, never saying "I love you"). My dad has tried to compensate and not be like his parents by saying "I love you" and "You know I love you, right?" fairly often, but those words can only go so far.